"I do not want to be in the cars. The cars are my prison."

December 22, 2016 11:08 AM

It was me and Leno puking our minds out while we drove around Los Angeles. It seemed like things couldn’t get any worse, but then while we were stopped at a traffic light, the backseat of the car opened up and in climbed my comedian friend Steve Harvey and without saying anything Steve Harvey started vomiting right along with me and Leno. The three of us filled the 1979 Porsche with vomit and then Steve Harvey opened the door and left the car as silently as he had entered it, leaving Leno and I alone in the ruined Porsche.

Every Day I Am Carsick by Jerry Seinfeld (but not really)
posted by Atom Eyes (16 comments total)

"I do not want to be in the cars. The cars are my prison."

Funnily (and honestly), the mantra of my car free, live-simply lifestyle.
posted by alex_skazat at 11:15 AM on December 22, 2016 [4 favorites]

It's fitting that this post (real or not) comes three FPPs after one about Robert Llewellyn, given Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is a big-budget ripoff of his Carpool.
posted by Sys Rq at 11:24 AM on December 22, 2016 [2 favorites]

I enjoyed reading this almost a year ago when it came out. It might have even been posted here.
posted by humboldt32 at 11:37 AM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wait, so is this not actually written by Jerry Seinfeld?
posted by I-baLL at 11:45 AM on December 22, 2016

I enjoyed this a great deal, and do not give a hoot if it's a year old.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 11:53 AM on December 22, 2016

My favorite episode was Jon Hamm shouting "yowza!" eighty-six times in a row before vomiting into the glove box of a Bentley.
posted by dr_dank at 11:54 AM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I actually have no idea what any of this means but I had the same reaction as alex_skazat. "Hey Jerry, buy a bike. Trust me, you'll love it."
posted by klanawa at 12:30 PM on December 22, 2016

The Clickhole is The Onion's parody of clickbait sites, for the unfamiliar.
posted by Wandering Idiot at 1:16 PM on December 22, 2016

srsly tho cars are the worst
posted by entropicamericana at 1:52 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I thought this was pretty spot-on.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:48 PM on December 22, 2016

I enjoyed reading this almost a year ago when it came out.

Sweet. I enjoyed reading it this morning, which was the first time I ever laid eyes on it.

Two peas in a pod we are!
posted by Atom Eyes at 3:06 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't drive cars I crash em
posted by oceanjesse at 3:30 PM on December 22, 2016

I don't drive cars I fight cars
posted by oceanjesse at 3:30 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I don't drive cars I am cars
posted by schmod at 3:45 PM on December 22, 2016

I'm a rider not a fighter
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:58 PM on December 22, 2016 [1 favorite]

I am reminded of J.P. Seinfeld's phenomenological essay on ontology "Beans and Nothingness" in which he proved that the movie "Free Willy" exists. Clearly, he has made a serious late career break with his earlier philosophy despite dad sneaker continuity.
posted by srboisvert at 5:53 AM on December 23, 2016