The Classic Concordance of Cacographic Chaos

December 29, 2016 10:06 AM

"The Chaos represents a virtuoso feat of composition, a mammoth catalogue of about 800 of the most notorious irregularities of traditional English orthography, skilfully versified (if with a few awkward lines) into couplets with alternating feminine and masculine rhymes. The selection of examples now appears somewhat dated, as do a few of their pronunciations, indeed a few words may even be unknown to today's readers (how many will know what a "studding-sail" is, or that its nautical pronunciation is "stunsail"?), and not every rhyme will immediately "click" ("grits" for "groats"?); but the overwhelming bulk of the poem represents as valid an indictment of the chaos of English spelling as it ever did."

If parts of the poem still don't parse for you, try listening to The Chaos being read with British English or American English pronunciation. Additional readings are available on LibriVox.

posted by amnesia and magnets (18 comments total)

EYE PHUHKNG LUV DIZ POWM
posted by lalochezia at 10:30 AM on December 29, 2016 [5 favorites]

Oh the grinding gears in my brain and mouth. I look forward to listening to the readings later -- I can't read this poem without speaking it aloud-ish, which is getting me some raised eyebrows from my cube neighbors.
posted by janell at 10:44 AM on December 29, 2016

I'm surprised that this is the first time "Dearest creature in creation" has been featured on the Blue. The techie parts of my life were always well populated by non-native English speakers who generally seemed to get a kick out of pointing to it as proof that we Anglos are crazy.
posted by sparklemotion at 10:55 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I'm gonna put this on genius.com.
posted by gucci mane at 11:30 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

Fun video about where English vocabulary comes from (26% Germanic, 29% French, 29% Latin, 6% Greek) and whether English is a Creole. No wonder the spelling is weird.
posted by Bee'sWing at 11:33 AM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

I luvs me some English porn.
posted by BlueHorse at 11:59 AM on December 29, 2016

America EXPLAIN!!
posted by Think_Long at 12:01 PM on December 29, 2016 [4 favorites]

Here is where I tell you that I first heard the word "Terpsichore" when Bugs Bunny used it in one of his cartoons. It was years before I knew what it meant.
posted by emjaybee at 12:08 PM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Re: "studding sail'

Clearly, someone's not a Patrick O'Brian fanatic.

See also: fo'c'sle
posted by rock swoon has no past at 12:19 PM on December 29, 2016 [4 favorites]

Many nautical expressions from the age of sail have pronunciations that seem peculiar. (e.g. boatswain =bo'sn, coxswain=cox'sn, tackle = tay'cl, etc...) Many reflect the dialect of the day and mostly the necessity to be understood when shouted on the busy deck of a hard pounding ship under sail. A situation still experienced on sailing vessels today.
posted by shnarg at 12:33 PM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas

So gas and alas don't rhyme, but four rhymes with Arkansas? This is just the Britishest.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 1:28 PM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

Wait, gas and alas don't rhyme?
posted by Sangermaine at 2:01 PM on December 29, 2016

Depends if you're Slim Pickens or the Duchess of York I guess. But I'm thinking four and Arkansas is a stretch either way, no?
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 2:19 PM on December 29, 2016

Wouldn't "four" and "Arkansas" rhyme in Arkansas?
posted by Wrinkled Stumpskin at 2:20 PM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

GHOTI 4 eva
posted by Joseph Gurl at 2:51 PM on December 29, 2016 [1 favorite]

At a much smaller scale is Dr. Seuss's short-short story "The Tough Coughs as He Ploughs the Dough", for which the title should be an adequate indication of authorial intent.
posted by ardgedee at 3:17 PM on December 29, 2016 [2 favorites]

the necessity to be understood when shouted on the busy deck of a hard pounding ship under sail.

But they hung onto "larboard" like their mum left it to them.
posted by ChurchHatesTucker at 5:29 PM on December 29, 2016

> Wouldn't "four" and "Arkansas" rhyme in Arkansas?

In British English I could see something like fɔː and ɑːkənsɔː ... Mostly because I've heard Brits say Arkansas with a slightly more closed end vowel. But most Americans would pronounce the r in four, and all (I think) would say Arkansas with a more open vowel, maybe ɑrkənsɑ.
posted by kleinsteradikaleminderheit at 2:34 AM on December 30, 2016