Stop Clowning Around

May 8, 2017 10:02 PM

222 CHATHAM Street, Brantford, Ontario N3S4H1 [scroll through the photos]

bonus vimeo

posted by andoatnp (52 comments total)

Cleanup on aisle 6.
posted by Oyéah at 10:06 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, bricks, garage, lawn, oh shit
posted by HuronBob at 10:09 PM on May 8, 2017 [19 favorites]

That exercise machine in the last photo—it was my only chance. If I could just be strong enough, fast enough, prepared enough, I could be free. I could be free. So I tricked them, I tricked those fucking clowns into signing for the machine's delivery. They did their usual thing, a dozen clowns jammed into my grandfather's second-best suit. Driver never suspected a thing. So I used it. I used that machine to get strong. To focus the years of terror and giggling into a ball buried deep inside me, wrapped in determination and will. I bide. I wait. I hide. The clowns may have forgotten I am here. I will never forget. Someday. Someday soon, this House of Clown will pass to new owners. And I will always be here for them, in my little attic room. Here to help. Yes.
posted by bigbigdog at 10:30 PM on May 8, 2017 [22 favorites]

Can't say I was expecting to see my hometown on Metafilter today, but yeah, that scans. They filmed the Silent Hill movie here, you know.
posted by haruspicina at 10:49 PM on May 8, 2017 [5 favorites]

This is a perfect post. So deceptively simple, yet with such horror lurking within. Two thumbs up!
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:29 PM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

I am not coulrophobic, but now I won't be able to fucking sleep. THANKS, METAFILTER!
posted by Samizdata at 11:35 PM on May 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

O-kaaaaaay. Backing away from Metafilter slowly...
posted by happyroach at 11:40 PM on May 8, 2017

One of my middle school teachers told me she knew someone with a house overloaded like this, not with clowns, but with frogs. That mental image still haunts me, thirty years later.
posted by Mister Moofoo at 11:44 PM on May 8, 2017

IRON HELPS US PLAY
posted by rhizome at 11:46 PM on May 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

Come on, like you all don't have similar decorating schemes.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:09 AM on May 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

"schemes"
posted by pracowity at 1:32 AM on May 9, 2017 [7 favorites]

I'd heard there was a remake of Stephen King's IT in the pipeline, but had no idea it was going to be like this.
posted by Prince Lazy I at 2:38 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

It waits until you get inside, then finishes bricking over the doors and windows.
posted by pracowity at 2:55 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Clown Statue in the Corner
or
How do you make dinner guests feel as uncomfortable as possible?
posted by Nanukthedog at 3:16 AM on May 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

How could you.

At least, after this, the workweek is looking good.
posted by mightshould at 3:17 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Always a bad sign when a listing starts with multiple exterior shots, then goes to the garage, then shows the lawn before getting to the interiors. The "view of the house across the street while standing on the porch" is a nice extra stalling touch.

Still, it looks like 99% of the horror is in tchotchke form and easily moved out. Far easier to de-clown here than to exorcize all the triangles from this place
posted by Mchelly at 3:57 AM on May 9, 2017

That awkward moment when you go to the land registry office to do a title search and the clerk just stares at you wordlessly when you give them the address.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 4:59 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

I don't think that it's what the agent meant by "staging"....
posted by Malingering Hector at 5:19 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

This house has nothing on the cowboy terror house in Cranston, Calgary, Alberta :D I would take clowns over that house! I'll find the link later.

They always say to stage a house and put away your crazy collection of whatever, but I dunno...it's still free advertising :D
posted by Calzephyr at 5:25 AM on May 9, 2017

At least you know what you're getting into -- this listing has inspired a few horror stories amongst my friends.
posted by Etrigan at 5:51 AM on May 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

Y'know, despite the clutter, it looks like it's been kept quite clean. I wonder which industrial cleaning chemicals they use? And the lawn shots are helpful – you would never suspect the ground underneath had been recently disturbed!
posted by Kabanos at 5:52 AM on May 9, 2017 [4 favorites]

At least you know what you're getting into -- this listing has inspired a few horror stories amongst my friends.

Okay, now that's a murder house, for sure.
posted by Mchelly at 5:58 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

When I was at library school in London, Ontario, a friend of a friend invited a bunch of people over to her parent's house to watch her favourite bad movie (which was Clifford). The rest of the house was normal, but the living room was a Clown Room. I showed up with a couple of joints - because who's going to want to sit and watch Clifford sober? - but as it turned out nobody else wanted to smoke up, which was probably for the best given our surroundings.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:11 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

You just know that the owner had the doorbell wired up to play "Entrance of the Gladiators" throughout the entire house at 140 dB.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 6:16 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

This two-bedroom brick bungalow seems unremarkable — until you see all the clowns inside:

The collection began as a weekend activity for the homeowners, but McMannis said he doesn’t have a clue why they picked clowns to collect.

“That I will never know. I have no idea,” he laughed. “Maybe because there’s so many and they’re so cheap.”
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 6:25 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

Rarely has the quote "Nuke the entire site from orbit--it’s the only way to be sure" been more appropriate than this thread.
posted by Ber at 6:38 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

We Found What the Hell is Going on With that House Full of Clowns

(It's weird that the son told Vice the reason but not The Star)
posted by AFABulous at 7:06 AM on May 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

Bonus clown in freezer?

I grew up in this house. Mold problems? It didn't look like that when we lived there.
posted by lagomorphius at 7:11 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

Heh. I like how they start out with the normal outside, warm you up with somewhat clowny rooms, and then ramp up the crazyness with each additional picture.
posted by fimbulvetr at 7:17 AM on May 9, 2017

Nanukthedog: Clown Statue in the Corner

Image for reference - my favorite details: 1) this is actually one of the least clown-ified rooms, so 2) they added a HUGE CLOWN STANDING IN THE CORNER to make up for the absence of clowns. Its expression seems to say "don't rush, I'll just stay here, watching you eat. Don't mind me, I'm content, maybe even happy."

AFABulous: We Found What the Hell is Going on With that House Full of Clowns

(It's weird that the son told Vice the reason but not The Star)

VICE reached Michael McMannis, son of the owners (who've lived in the house for 30 years) and confirmed that the family is not in fact related to It or any other deranged clowns. No, they're actually a cute elderly couple in their 80s who started buying the clowns in an effort to keep McMannis' stepfather from boozing.

"My stepdad had a drinking issue as perceived by my mother," McMannis told VICE. "Every clown represents a bottle of beer that he would have bought."

So ... the giant clown in the corner of the dining room is either a) representing the time dad almost bought a keg for himself, or b) is a constant reminder that THE CLOWNS SEE ALL AND KNOW ALL AND KNOW WHEN YOU THINK OF DRINKING.


Calzephyr: This house has nothing on the cowboy terror house in Cranston, Calgary, Alberta

I went looking for that house, but instead found giant feuding cowboys, larger than life road-side art in rural New Mexico.
posted by filthy light thief at 7:38 AM on May 9, 2017

Still, it looks like 99% of the horror is in tchotchke form and easily moved out.

You can remove the clowns from on the walls, but you will never remove the clowns from in the walls.
posted by wotsac at 7:38 AM on May 9, 2017 [6 favorites]

IRON HELPS US PLAY

Actually, according to the will, the clowns own the house. You'd be their tenants!
posted by obscure simpsons reference at 8:10 AM on May 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

I don't get the fear of clowns. At all. Clowns are just boring.

But you know who makes me uneasy? The sort of person who would collect that many awful, kitschy, worthless anythings and live among them like that. Thousands of dollars spent on worthless clown stuff. Is that her on the wall above the headboard? She's the one I wouldn't turn my back on. I bet there's still some of him in the freezer in the basement. Chopped, wrapped, and labeled. "Irv 1997. Thigh." "Irv 1997. Ground calves." etc.
posted by pracowity at 8:10 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

THE CLOWNS SEE ALL AND KNOW ALL AND KNOW WHEN YOU THINK OF DRINKING.

Like Elf on the Shelf for adults.
posted by Kabanos at 8:12 AM on May 9, 2017

How about a normal-looking house that is mostly a pipe organ inside?
posted by lagomorphius at 8:24 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

So...
♫ 99 Bottles of beer clowns on the walls...
posted by quinndexter at 8:25 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

After seeing many many unloved collections of frogs, cows, penguins, etc at estate sales I have vowed to never collect anything. If people know you like a thing they will buy you that thing and if you are a person who feels obligated to keep gifts you will end up with SO MANY OF THOSE THINGS.
posted by vespabelle at 9:08 AM on May 9, 2017 [5 favorites]

How about a normal-looking house that is mostly a pipe organ inside?

Holy shit that's amazing.

"Did you hear about the guy who bought the house that's mostly a pipe organ?"

"No."

"They say he was in a fugue state when he signed the papers!"

Waka waka.

Yes, of course. I'll show myself out.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 9:20 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

I skimmed through initially on the scrolling small pictures, so it was 'outside, outside, frou frou rooms with lots of color... figure lurking in corner. So that was actually creepier than when I went to the large pictures and saw the clown collection.
posted by tavella at 9:22 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

More than the clowns, that pink paint on the whatever-you-call-the-region-between-the-walls-and-ceiling is what disturbs me. I couldn't live in a room with that much pink!
posted by Lynsey at 9:59 AM on May 9, 2017

My grandmother's house looked like this, except teddy bears instead of clowns. There was no place you could rest your eyes that did not have a group of bears having tea, playing cards, having a wedding. She slept in a bed with at least 20 bears lined up against the wall and a big one to hug. She was a tiny woman and hung teddy mobiles in her bedroom so those of us over 5 feet tall had to duck or push them aside. ~500 bears to be dispersed when she passed away.

Some day I hope to find my own crazy worthy of the family legacy.
posted by buildmyworld at 10:07 AM on May 9, 2017

Accumulating a bunch of rabbit-themed objects d'art would be ok, right? Right?
posted by lagomorphius at 10:16 AM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

When all your options are gone in life, no possibility for dreams fulfilled, what's left except to pick something and collect it? The theme itself is random—clowns, penguins, salt and pepper shakers. Whatever someone, nephew, granddaughter, first chose. A chance box picked up at a flea market. Whatever it is, at least it's something. You're holding on. One less bottle of food mart vodka. One less blurry drive home from one last bar. Every clown is a shotgun blast that never came.
posted by bigbigdog at 10:22 AM on May 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

bigbigdog do you also do the nihilist arby's twitter account
posted by winna at 11:22 AM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

This is terrible and I am ashamed of it and I apologize unreservedly in advance to the The English Beat and to all of you...

Clown stature in the corner
Please talk free
The door is locked
Just you and me
Can I take you to a restaurant
That's got glass tables
Put you on the floor and watch you
While I'm eating

Clown statue in the corner
I just can't stop it
Every Saturday I see you
Window shopping
Find no interest in the
Racks of elves
Just a thousand reflections
Of my own sweet clown, clown, clown
Clown statue in the corner
My clown statue in the corner
My clown statue in the corner
My clown statue in the corner
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 12:51 PM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

This is a great way to not sell your house. I can imagine going to that open house and not remembering a single detail of the structure. I've had relatives complain about removing all "personality" from a house they are selling. I should save these photos to show them.
posted by Cranialtorque at 1:57 PM on May 9, 2017

Apparently I was more morbid than I intended. These collections celebrate life. A life that stands against the never inevitable shotgun blast. They defend us against the forces of entropy and decay. The order we impose on the reality around us defines us against the darkness that awaits every one bit of starstuff we once were. These collections fairly hum with energy, with life. This lifestuff we constantly forge around ourselves, we imbue ourselves into these definitions of the difference between you and me, between here and what was, between this future that stretches out before me and the lives unlived.

Over time these life energies can imbue a place, or a collection, with life shared by the owner. Life shared, not taken and used, not stolen, not siphoned and drained, stored up in jars in rows hidden from view as if only just around the corner, that hint the hint you feel that shiver, no those are just stories.

The collections hum and glow with the life we give just as places become attuned over time to the pacing to and fro, the most powerful emotions—great, true love; unbearable loss; the grief, especially the grief—and later these places reverberate with the loves lost by those gone before. These places we call haunted.

These same base physical processes endow the collections with the same life, the same will to live and thrive and never grieve again even if every clown in that wretched life-giving collection must arise and find and hunt and slay and devour any of us the living fool enough to venture near the wrong place, the wrong time, the wrong life. The irony (and there is always irony in these things, great heaping gobs of irony) is those penguins, those salt-and-pepper shakers, those fucking clowns—cannot even digest the flesh they consume. Such waste of life, such gravely pure irony can only be the gift of the darkest of gods.
posted by bigbigdog at 3:09 PM on May 9, 2017 [2 favorites]

Huh. That was a bit dark as well. I'd better go through my vinyl and find something sweet and hungry to listen to.
posted by bigbigdog at 3:11 PM on May 9, 2017

From the Vice article-- "A lot of them are going to be boxed up into our crawl space."

*never sleeps again*
posted by The otter lady at 4:23 PM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

I have an aunt that lives in Brantford who I haven't seen in years. If you changed all the clowns and clown paraphernalia to Garfields this could be her house. Is there something in the water there in Brantford, Ontario? Or… maybe it's just my aunt has broken with the Jim Davis merchandise empire for some reason and had to find a new outlet for her enthusiasms, maybe it is her house.
posted by rodlymight at 4:25 PM on May 9, 2017 [1 favorite]

"A lot of them are going to be boxed up into our crawl space."

So it seems they've decided to keep them alive.
posted by rhizome at 8:14 PM on May 9, 2017 [3 favorites]

"A lot of them are going to be boxed up into our crawl space."

And the rest will be coming for us all in our sleep.
posted by Nanukthedog at 9:17 PM on May 9, 2017