The Ur-Ikea, from whence all other Ikeas sprang
June 28, 2017 8:20 AM Subscribe
The fourth series of the fabulously otherworldly collaborative fiction project SCP Foundation was opened to submissions in April of this year. From here comes this tale of A Perfectly Normal, Regular Old IKEA. Readers unfamiliar with SCP format may want to just skip to the journal transcript near the bottom
I enjoyed this more than I expected to.
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:26 AM on June 28, 2017
posted by sandettie light vessel automatic at 8:26 AM on June 28, 2017
I really enjoy SCP-076 Able and SCP-1440 just hurts.
SCP-882 and SCP-914 are also great reads.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:41 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
SCP-882 and SCP-914 are also great reads.
posted by RolandOfEld at 8:41 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
There's some other very clever ones in this batch. Having fallen into both a "we are number one"/"Smashmouth'a All Star but X" memehole recently, I thought SCP-3006 was credibly disturbing.
posted by muddgirl at 8:45 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by muddgirl at 8:45 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
yeah, if you don't already know about these there's a couple thousand already and they're a lot of fun.
posted by vogon_poet at 8:51 AM on June 28, 2017
posted by vogon_poet at 8:51 AM on June 28, 2017
Here's my LinkNYC fanfic, SCP-3993. It got torn apart in the discussion, but miraculously survived even though it was my first SCP!
Basically, the rule is that pretty much everyone's first SCP - and second, and third - gets downvoted to oblivion and then summarily deleted. SCP is actually a pretty interesting writing workshop (for a very very specific kind of writing), for those into that sort of thing.
posted by adrianhon at 9:08 AM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
Basically, the rule is that pretty much everyone's first SCP - and second, and third - gets downvoted to oblivion and then summarily deleted. SCP is actually a pretty interesting writing workshop (for a very very specific kind of writing), for those into that sort of thing.
posted by adrianhon at 9:08 AM on June 28, 2017 [11 favorites]
Great job adrianhon! Super-menacing!
posted by muddgirl at 9:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by muddgirl at 9:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Oooh oooh is this where we get to post about our favourite SCP Foundation entries? Here's mine - the Hanged King's Tragedy. Shivers!
Back to the original link: very enjoyable, feels like it would make a great Netflix mini series; and yet I enjoy the ones where more info is redacted and you have to fill in the gaps yourself. SCP 231 is a very good example of this. You fill in the gaps with your own horrible imaginings. (warning: horrible)
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:26 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Back to the original link: very enjoyable, feels like it would make a great Netflix mini series; and yet I enjoy the ones where more info is redacted and you have to fill in the gaps yourself. SCP 231 is a very good example of this. You fill in the gaps with your own horrible imaginings. (warning: horrible)
posted by Ziggy500 at 9:26 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
A blocky environment extending infinitely in all directions, with rudimentary day-night cycle, inhabited by creatures that become more aggressive in the dark? With wooden furniture? And weird portals that warp you to new places?
Has anyone tried digging beneath the floor? From my experience you're going to need some iron and diamonds
posted by oulipian at 9:51 AM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
Has anyone tried digging beneath the floor? From my experience you're going to need some iron and diamonds
posted by oulipian at 9:51 AM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
I am certain that this is a real thing. I once bought a net bag of rocks from an Ikea. A bag of rocks. A. Bag. Of. Rocks. Explain that.
posted by Splunge at 10:13 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Splunge at 10:13 AM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
And yea, Ziggy500's warning about SCP 231 is a good one, it's one of the most meta/horrible ones there is. The general SCP context turns the trolley problem into a helluva mess, that's for sure.
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:18 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by RolandOfEld at 10:18 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I'm surprised they haven't tried sending in some D-class personnel at the end of a rope.
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Faint of Butt at 10:19 AM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I'm pretty excited about the IKEA they're building in my town. Gonna open this fall!
posted by leotrotsky at 10:38 AM on June 28, 2017
posted by leotrotsky at 10:38 AM on June 28, 2017
I'm sure someone has already thought of this but:
SCP-XXX1 consists of six components: a standard metal door, painted red, attached to a brick wall (SCP-XXX1-1) and five apparently human entities of varying ages and genders (SCP-XXX1-2 through SCP-XXX-6) standing in a orderly queue in front of it. The wall was former located on an alley adjacent to Park Street, Bristol, UK, but has since been relocated to Site 17.
Proximity to SCP-XXX1-1 produces an increasingly strong desire to join the existing queue in front of the metal door. The effect was first noticed by Bristol Police Constable █████ ████ (now SCP-XXX1-2), and subsequently by Bristol Police Inspector ████ ████████████ (now SCP-XXX1-3). The duration of time between proximity to SCP-XXX1-1 and initial onset of the queuing compulsion appears to be approximately 30 minutes. Further testing from Dr. ██████ ██ found that at approximately 90 minutes, the compulsion becomes uncontrollable, and at 120 minutes becomes permanent and irreversible. Upon entering the queue affected persons appear perfectly normal, and will engage in conversation as though unaffected. When asked about the queue, or what they are waiting for, they will respond, "I'm waitin' for it to open, innit." Further questioning produces no further response. Attempts to remove them from the queue produces aggression. Affected persons no longer require sustenance of any kind, but will consume food and drink if offered. Those providing food to the queuing persons are referred to as being "Mint." It is unclear if this term has any specific meaning relevant to the object.
Subsequent testing has found that the queuing compulsion effect is amplified in both strength and duration if the affected personnel is currently a resident of a member of the Commonwealth of Nations (formerly the British Commonwealth). Curiously, other onsite personnel appear to be immune (so far our testing has shown no effect on those born in Russia, China, Italy, or Greece).
Affected onsite personnel must be cycled from Site 17 to a facility at least 100 nautical miles to avoid cumulative effects and to allow the compulsion to dissipate.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:23 AM on June 28, 2017 [14 favorites]
SCP-XXX1 consists of six components: a standard metal door, painted red, attached to a brick wall (SCP-XXX1-1) and five apparently human entities of varying ages and genders (SCP-XXX1-2 through SCP-XXX-6) standing in a orderly queue in front of it. The wall was former located on an alley adjacent to Park Street, Bristol, UK, but has since been relocated to Site 17.
Proximity to SCP-XXX1-1 produces an increasingly strong desire to join the existing queue in front of the metal door. The effect was first noticed by Bristol Police Constable █████ ████ (now SCP-XXX1-2), and subsequently by Bristol Police Inspector ████ ████████████ (now SCP-XXX1-3). The duration of time between proximity to SCP-XXX1-1 and initial onset of the queuing compulsion appears to be approximately 30 minutes. Further testing from Dr. ██████ ██ found that at approximately 90 minutes, the compulsion becomes uncontrollable, and at 120 minutes becomes permanent and irreversible. Upon entering the queue affected persons appear perfectly normal, and will engage in conversation as though unaffected. When asked about the queue, or what they are waiting for, they will respond, "I'm waitin' for it to open, innit." Further questioning produces no further response. Attempts to remove them from the queue produces aggression. Affected persons no longer require sustenance of any kind, but will consume food and drink if offered. Those providing food to the queuing persons are referred to as being "Mint." It is unclear if this term has any specific meaning relevant to the object.
Subsequent testing has found that the queuing compulsion effect is amplified in both strength and duration if the affected personnel is currently a resident of a member of the Commonwealth of Nations (formerly the British Commonwealth). Curiously, other onsite personnel appear to be immune (so far our testing has shown no effect on those born in Russia, China, Italy, or Greece).
Affected onsite personnel must be cycled from Site 17 to a facility at least 100 nautical miles to avoid cumulative effects and to allow the compulsion to dissipate.
posted by leotrotsky at 11:23 AM on June 28, 2017 [14 favorites]
I feel like all The Staff should be named BILLY.
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:00 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Kafkaesque at 1:00 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I hate the Walking Dead, but I would watch the shit out of a show about a band of humans trying to survive in SCP-3008-1.
posted by SageLeVoid at 1:32 PM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by SageLeVoid at 1:32 PM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
SCP is my Unheimlich Home online. There is a lot of chaff if you hang around enough and I actively resist the general community lurch toward a single, consistent "lore," but it is chock full of wild creativity. A few of my favorites from the 3xxx series so far:
SCP-3001: Red Reality (even though it totally beat me to an idea I have to rehammer now)
SCP-3060: Sleep Paralysis
SCP-3100: Reliquary
SCP-3222: A Very Real Pencil
SCP-3799: A Short History of Snowfall
SCP-3999: I Am at the Center of Everything That Happens to Me (this one's controversial; I have mixed feelings, but when it hits the right notes it's pretty Ligottian)
posted by byanyothername at 1:32 PM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
SCP-3001: Red Reality (even though it totally beat me to an idea I have to rehammer now)
SCP-3060: Sleep Paralysis
SCP-3100: Reliquary
SCP-3222: A Very Real Pencil
SCP-3799: A Short History of Snowfall
SCP-3999: I Am at the Center of Everything That Happens to Me (this one's controversial; I have mixed feelings, but when it hits the right notes it's pretty Ligottian)
posted by byanyothername at 1:32 PM on June 28, 2017 [6 favorites]
Also, leotrotsky, hammer that out a bit more and submit it for critique as an actual SCP item, please.
posted by byanyothername at 1:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by byanyothername at 1:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Ursula Le Guin may have something to say about SCP-1237.
posted by Chrysostom at 1:55 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by Chrysostom at 1:55 PM on June 28, 2017
My favorite is SCP-871. It's vitally important for the future of humanity that someone eat these delicious chocolate cakes. We'll force people to do it at gunpoint if necessary.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 4:06 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 4:06 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
SCP-682 seems to be a very popular object. The Experiment Log is a litany of tests involving many of the other objects, as well as some denied requests, including this one, which made me literally laugh out loud.
Item: High-altitude impactposted by curiousgene at 4:08 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Tissue Test Record:
Denied by O5-██
Termination Test Record:
Testing denied by O5-██
Notes: Seriously? I mean… seriously? Drop it out of an aircraft and let it fall… who in the [DATA EXPUNGED]
I had a story idea along these lines years ago, before the idea got quite so trendy. My version had The Staff be eerily cheerful and helpful, and always willing to give (long, confusing) directions to the exit. But always somewhere along the way, the victims would get distracted and lose the path again.
Eventually, victims would notice a little alcove they somehow had passed by a million times, which contained tasteful ASHE urns, and ENDE coffins. Awareness of their doom sets in, and they select their choices. The always-friendly staff direct them to the assembly area, where they either assemble their coffin (flat-pack, naturally!), or wait in line for their turn in the stylish and compact cremation furnace.
The tearful protagonist lies down in her coffin, but protests, "I haven't even given you my shipping address!"
"Oh, don't worry. We know EXACTLY where you're going!" is the cheerful reply. Then they nail down the lid.
posted by notoriety public at 5:28 PM on June 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
Eventually, victims would notice a little alcove they somehow had passed by a million times, which contained tasteful ASHE urns, and ENDE coffins. Awareness of their doom sets in, and they select their choices. The always-friendly staff direct them to the assembly area, where they either assemble their coffin (flat-pack, naturally!), or wait in line for their turn in the stylish and compact cremation furnace.
The tearful protagonist lies down in her coffin, but protests, "I haven't even given you my shipping address!"
"Oh, don't worry. We know EXACTLY where you're going!" is the cheerful reply. Then they nail down the lid.
posted by notoriety public at 5:28 PM on June 28, 2017 [8 favorites]
I'm surprised they haven't tried sending in some D-class personnel at the end of a rope.
You must be new here. Those who have been around the SCP block a few times already know that this never works out well.
posted by notoriety public at 5:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
You must be new here. Those who have been around the SCP block a few times already know that this never works out well.
posted by notoriety public at 5:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [5 favorites]
Two specific ones that come to mind for "send in the D-class guys to check it out!" are SCP-087 (the endless stair) and SCP-432 (the labyrinth in the cabinet).
posted by Chrysostom at 6:57 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by Chrysostom at 6:57 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
SCP-3034, another damnable trolley problem.
Yours truly,
Another doomed researcher
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:05 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Yours truly,
Another doomed researcher
posted by RolandOfEld at 7:05 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
I am certain that this is a real thing. I once bought a net bag of rocks from an Ikea. A bag of rocks. A. Bag. Of. Rocks. Explain that.
Seems perfectly normal, as long as it came with an allen wrench and assembly instructions.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:53 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
Seems perfectly normal, as long as it came with an allen wrench and assembly instructions.
posted by sebastienbailard at 7:53 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I'm surprised they haven't tried sending in some D-class personnel at the end of a rope.
Consider SCP-1689, a bag of potatoes. Sounds tame until you climb inside and start exploring.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 8:30 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Consider SCP-1689, a bag of potatoes. Sounds tame until you climb inside and start exploring.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 8:30 PM on June 28, 2017 [3 favorites]
Here's my LinkNYC fanfic, SCP-3993. It got torn apart in the discussion, but miraculously survived even though it was my first SCP!
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Over the following six months, 238 additional instances of SCP-3993 appeared across Lower Manhattan and Midtown, each successfully sheathed in a LinkNYC kiosk within twelve hours. However, providing the kiosks with the promised gigabit internet connectivity was a much more difficult proposition due to multiple breakdowns in negotiation with Comcast.*snort*
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:36 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
SCP is a great way to lose a bunch of time.
I like to periodically check the top-rated thismoth month page, rather than wading through the slush pile.
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:38 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
I like to periodically check the top-rated this
posted by sebastienbailard at 8:38 PM on June 28, 2017 [2 favorites]
muddgirl: "There's some other very clever ones in this batch. Having fallen into both a "we are number one"/"Smashmouth'a All Star but X" memehole recently, I thought SCP-3006 was credibly disturbing."
That's pretty good, reminds me a bit of SCP-1733.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:55 PM on June 28, 2017
That's pretty good, reminds me a bit of SCP-1733.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:55 PM on June 28, 2017
So is there an SCP for The Election and Presidency of Donald Trump yet? It's gotta be at least Keter.
posted by ckape at 9:24 PM on June 28, 2017
posted by ckape at 9:24 PM on June 28, 2017
byanyothername: "SCP-3999: I Am at the Center of Everything That Happens to Me"
Ha! I've stayed in The Atherton Hotel.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:43 PM on June 28, 2017
Ha! I've stayed in The Atherton Hotel.
posted by Chrysostom at 9:43 PM on June 28, 2017
So is there an SCP for The Election and Presidency of Donald Trump yet? It's gotta be at least Keter.
I think the people in SCP-1981 pity us.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:48 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
I think the people in SCP-1981 pity us.
posted by sebastienbailard at 9:48 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Some of these remind me of House of Leaves and Cabin in the Woods.
posted by gucci mane at 10:03 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by gucci mane at 10:03 PM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]
Well, I now have about 25 tabs open to read on a busy day at work. Thanks, I think...?
posted by MattWPBS at 5:00 AM on June 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by MattWPBS at 5:00 AM on June 29, 2017 [3 favorites]
This one is kind of brilliant, not just in concept but where it ends up.
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:31 PM on June 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Joe in Australia at 2:31 PM on June 29, 2017 [2 favorites]
Oh, that's a good one! Short and sweet entry, too.
posted by tobascodagama at 3:44 PM on June 29, 2017
posted by tobascodagama at 3:44 PM on June 29, 2017
SCP-3041 was good, thanks for pointing it out! What is apparently going on there is creepy as all hell.
posted by Justinian at 11:03 PM on June 29, 2017
posted by Justinian at 11:03 PM on June 29, 2017
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posted by RolandOfEld at 8:26 AM on June 28, 2017 [1 favorite]