Impossible Santa Wife

August 10, 2017 1:32 PM

Another single link of neural-network weirdness: Romance Novels, Generated by Artificial Intelligence. Just titles (for now, that is) but what titles they are.
posted by Countess Elena (72 comments total)

I'm not a romance novel fan, but I would TOTALLY read "Pregnant For The Rage" or "Nookan's Buttymance".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:35 PM on August 10, 2017 [10 favorites]

I've already thought of a whole plotline for The Prince's Round Brothers.

Incidentally, if you haven't already read Dorothy Sayers' The English Millionaire Investigator series, I highly recommend it.
posted by Countess Elena at 1:39 PM on August 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

His Final Santa sounds amazing.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 1:41 PM on August 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

I will never not find these "_________, Generated by a Neural Net" things hilarious.

His Pregnant Prince

Man, mpreg's really gone mainstream.
posted by soren_lorensen at 1:42 PM on August 10, 2017 [19 favorites]

Please, someone, write Missingbroom Bride. I think it's a Gothic.
posted by paduasoy at 1:46 PM on August 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

Please, someone, write Missingbroom Bride. I think it's a Gothic.

That one's really dirty. 'Cause she ain't got no broom.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:50 PM on August 10, 2017 [14 favorites]

Each time these show up, I'm now always thinking, "Ugh, ANOTHER neural network post?" And then I somewhat annoyingly think, "Fine, I'll go read it."

Cue three minutes later and I'm again wiping away tears of laughter. So I guess, thanks, you strangely-predictable-yet-consistently-funny computers?

It occurs to me this repeatedly laughing at the same style of joke says more about me than I'd like, and has some disturbing conclusions if I follow that thread, but I'll just shrug instead. I laughed. And will no doubt laugh a these again. And again. And again. Sigh.

My, Hot Doctor. *snort*
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:06 PM on August 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Secret Secret Baby

"Not ever her own mother knows she exists!"
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:08 PM on August 10, 2017 [15 favorites]

I started reading at work and as usual I have to stop because I am going to disturb my colleagues from laughing.

Also, I will now refer to my spouse as "The Husband Man". And I want to be Pregnant for the Rage. Or at least go to their shows.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:11 PM on August 10, 2017 [10 favorites]

Nookan's Buttymance doesn't belong on the failure list—It belongs on the English village neural network list.

At the top.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:11 PM on August 10, 2017 [10 favorites]

The Man for Dr. Husband

Could equally have resulted from training the neural net on "Venture Brothers" episodes. Or "Adventure Time".
posted by Ipsifendus at 2:12 PM on August 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

I had just decided to start ordering all my pizzas under the name "Carjery Wilson" when I read the phrase "Midwife Cowpoke" and now I can't breathe.
posted by annathea at 2:13 PM on August 10, 2017 [13 favorites]

What I love about neural network results is how much they sound like sleep-talk or dream ideas, which, out of context, have caused me to laugh harder than nearly anything else. I am certain there is a scientific reason for this that better minds have already figured out.
posted by Countess Elena at 2:15 PM on August 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

Crom Pregnancy Hospital

My new Conan novel has a name!
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:17 PM on August 10, 2017 [16 favorites]

Also, I suspect A Perfect Giantess is something that already exists.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:18 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

The Sheikh’s Convenient Desires

"I want...cous-cous", he whispered in her ear

Can’t Good

The sequel to the smash hit "Can't Even"

A Perfect Giantess

"Who could resist her polite requests for snu-snu?"

Crassion

That's either a romance in Pixar's "Cars" universe, or someone's REALLY into cranberries....
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:19 PM on August 10, 2017 [13 favorites]

Naked Hot Ranger clearly deserves to be a real title. BRB. I'll…um…be in my bunk. Uh, writing.
posted by los pantalones del muerte at 2:20 PM on August 10, 2017 [8 favorites]

I want to combine Storm Jake and Butterfly Earl into one story. I don't even know what I'm envisioning, but I know I like it.
posted by jinjo at 2:21 PM on August 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Thanks for the laugh! I scared a few cats.

"Pregnant Cow" - wasn't that a chapter in All Creatures Great and Small?

"Marriage Valley" - is that anywhere near Uncanny Valley?

So many of these could also pass muster as fanfic titles!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:23 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

The Rancher's Surprise Baby is real but Nookan’s Buttymance is "Well, you tried"? Bunch of savages in this town.
posted by MonkeyToes at 2:28 PM on August 10, 2017

GenjiandProust: Also, I suspect A Perfect Giantess is something that already exists.. As a Google search for that exact phrase will confirm (some search results Not Safe For Work).
posted by King Sky Prawn at 2:34 PM on August 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Me reading this article: mild intrigue, then amusement, then I got to the Christmas and cowboys sections and it was literal tears of laughter. Thanks for the post, a welcome change of pace from my recent hate-reading of articles on the Google manifesto.
posted by emd3737 at 2:36 PM on August 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

I'm just surprised that "the very first romance novel published by Harlequin was called The Manatee”.
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 2:36 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Greg_Ace: Secret Secret Baby: "Not ever her own mother knows she exists!". I'm having fun imagining plots where that could occur. Cloning / Switched At Birth / Coma a la Kill Bill / etc.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 2:37 PM on August 10, 2017

In the Mountain for the Tender Seduction
By Zesla Dauphin

When her father's gambling debts threaten to place the family mountain in receivership, Miranda Doone finds herself negotiating for her very livelihood with an old flame returned. Now a slicked-up professor with the Colorado School of Mines (and a secret billionaire), Trant Maycastle bears little resemblance to the roguish mountaineer who once broke Miranda's heart on a jagged arête. But surely as legends tell of the gold seams hidden deep within Thunderclap Mountain, there are glints from within Trant's flinty exterior of the man who once loved her...and who burns to love her again!
posted by Iridic at 2:41 PM on August 10, 2017 [17 favorites]

"Marriage Valley" - is that anywhere near Uncanny Valley?

Or “Idiot Valley”, a locale in the fiction of an incredibly prolific hack novelist of the early 20th century (whose name I forget), where everybody's mentally handicapped and heavily armed. Marriage Valley would be the equivalent where everybody is either getting married, planning to get married, going through marital strife or involved in the wedding industry in some way.
posted by acb at 2:44 PM on August 10, 2017

If any of these clever folks doing things with neural networks are taking requests, could we get a Regency-specific one? I'd like to see what one would do with dukes and viscountesses and wherrymen and governesses and gin sellers and…

It would also be interesting to see what a network might do with designing covers for different genres. As a reader, I can scan covers and tell a Regency from a bad-boy (biker/rocker/criminal) from an urban from a shifter at twenty paces, maybe thirty. How would a network do on recognizing and recreating the common tropes?
posted by Lexica at 2:48 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Oh god Marriage Valley is probably my recurring real life nightmare where all the people around me will only talk about their wedding and how they are planning it and every tiny little decision they are making and how their male partner does jack shit to help with it but for some reason they are fine with that.
posted by Emmy Rae at 2:48 PM on August 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

The Baby Barbarian

A CGI comedy, like Boss Baby, only with a Viking helmet and a cudgel. Or perhaps a thriller, like Baby Driver, only grittier and more violent.

And what makes the sheikh’s desires so convenient?

The reality distortion field of his wealth, presumably. Whatever he desires, however outlandish or implausible, he has armies of people who can be summoned, at a moment's notice, to make them so, and quickly. Until now...

The Strange Consultant Surgeon

Another one that's a gothic horror; possibly proto-Lovecraftean, and set in Victorian London.

Married in Fear

Plausible misery-lit.
posted by acb at 2:55 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Midwife Cowpoke might pass the Bechdel Test AND the Cowboy Test.
posted by ALeaflikeStructure at 2:58 PM on August 10, 2017 [14 favorites]

I'm often drawn to the titles at the bottom of these lists; the ones the author considers the near misses or failures. I think it's because I like taking ideas others think of as crap and seeing what I could do with them. So:

A Risk Worth Dad

In the near future, a game show offers tremendous prizes for players willing to risk the lives of their family members. Young Gloria will risk her father as she seeks her ultimate prize - a dream date with hunky Steve.

Crom Pregnancy Hospital

This is obviously a blended genre novel, in which Conan the Obstetrician meets the love of his life, red-haired Sonja, the new nurse. Together, they handle high-risk pregnancies and fight sepsis.

Never Happened

Another genre blend, in which the heroine, Clara, struggles with memories of a torrid affair that apparently never happened...only to stumble into the arms of Dr. Brown, a high energy physicist who opens her mind to alternate timelines and her heart to other possibilities.
posted by nubs at 2:58 PM on August 10, 2017 [14 favorites]

Some suspicions are best left as suspicions, King Sky Prawn.
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:00 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Under the Cowboy is the one that caused the tears of laughter. Although, pretty sure that's already been made in some medium or other.
posted by hanov3r at 3:00 PM on August 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

Also, pretty sure that Undercover Movercum is the new nickname for that guy from Doctor Strange.
posted by hanov3r at 3:03 PM on August 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

And I see that Genjiandproust beat me to the Conan novel. Ah well, I still have these titles from the reject bin for my After Dark line of novels:

Undercover Movercum
Captive Something Bachelor
posted by nubs at 3:04 PM on August 10, 2017

I had no idea being a consultant was so damn sexy. I'm apparently doing it wrong.

(I haven't brushed my hair in 3 days. I'm sure I'm doing it wrong.)

Christmas with Her Blackmail sounds like a movie I'd watch.
posted by Lyn Never at 3:06 PM on August 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

Hanov3r, my second favorite thing about this thread (other than the linked article) is your old-school underlining of book titles.
posted by emd3737 at 3:18 PM on August 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

Glord in the Dark

I love these so much. This never gets old.

A Irresistible Good Baby

They're all good babies, Broat Buttly
posted by Room 641-A at 3:52 PM on August 10, 2017 [7 favorites]

My only regret is that Glen Campbell isn't available to sing in the soundtrack for the movie adaptation of Midwife Cowpoke.
posted by King Sky Prawn at 3:53 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Secret Secret Baby

Good to know Vanilla Ice is still working.
posted by soren_lorensen at 3:54 PM on August 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

Oh these are so perfect. I'm so going to use these in my D&D campaign.
posted by Jalliah at 4:18 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Secret Secret Baby: "Not ever her own mother knows she exists!". I'm having fun imagining plots where that could occur. Cloning / Switched At Birth / Coma a la Kill Bill / etc.
IVF embryo theft. Or even just a mistake -- someone defrosted the wrong frozen embryo, and implanted it. Switched before birth.
posted by fings at 4:27 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Metafilter: A Irresistible Good Baby.
posted by stillmoving at 4:41 PM on August 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Nobody puts Secret Secret Baby in the corner corner!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:51 PM on August 10, 2017 [13 favorites]

The Butterfly Earl has made his fortune manufacturing a kind of folding pocket knife.
Either that, or on the 'Change.
posted by Iris Gambol at 4:59 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

A butterfly flaps its wings in New Mexico and Earl drinks a hurricane in China.
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 5:13 PM on August 10, 2017 [2 favorites]

Is a "can-hider" what I think it is?
posted by lagomorphius at 5:19 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

A recycling bin? Yes.
posted by Iris Gambol at 5:21 PM on August 10, 2017 [6 favorites]

I don't know where or how, but I will use Nookan’s Buttymance somewhere. As Glord is my witness, I swear it. Also, Midwife Cowpoke is my new King Straggler cover band.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 5:33 PM on August 10, 2017 [4 favorites]

I lost it at "Storm Jake" and have been sitting in my office cackling and periodically shouting STORM JAKE HAHAHAHA!!!! at myself, scaring the neighborhood children... I'm ahead of schedule, they usually don't get spooked until 7:30 when I start screaming at Jeopardy! contestants. Thanks for helping me keep them on their toes, Metafilter!
posted by palomar at 5:48 PM on August 10, 2017 [8 favorites]

I want to see AI replace libertarian columnist. They won't be able to complain without looking like hypocrites.

: )
posted by Beholder at 6:10 PM on August 10, 2017

Oh my god these are so good, I made it all the way to "CATTLE ME" before just losing it entirely and oh man that list at the end is just straight up band names.
posted by drinkyclown at 6:28 PM on August 10, 2017 [3 favorites]

Sex Revenge
A Lifeforce™ Novel

As the vampire's ship once again approaches an
exhausted Earth, researcher Vanessa Smith has
discovered a heretofore unknown weakness of the
aliens: to steal one's lifeforce, the vampire must enjoy
the "giving ceremony", even just a little bit.

Vanessa has a secret weapon: Can her team of "nice guy"
software engineers defeat the unholy force-stealers?

The humans are well on their way to victory until
one of the team, nerd-hunky Rod Pillar,
fails to humble-brag his adventures on the team's
subreddit. After a frantic search, he is found
near-death at the Super 8 after a joust with
the vampire known as "Becky".

Despite his protestations about this being "typical
female behavior" and apparent shame at being "the
biggest cuck on Earth", Vanessa begins to suspect he's
not as "nice" as he says he is, and is determined to
discover for herself the truth of the matter--but can
her inner scientist convince her inner woman that
"really, it's just research, honest!"?

posted by maxwelton at 6:39 PM on August 10, 2017 [1 favorite]

Omg

Seeping Baby Man

Not sleeping, seeping.
posted by Room 641-A at 7:10 PM on August 10, 2017 [5 favorites]

Christmas of the Year


Well, that's setting the bar low.
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:11 PM on August 10, 2017 [22 favorites]

So many usernames, so few $5 bills.
posted by vorpal bunny at 8:57 PM on August 10, 2017 [11 favorites]

A friend of mine and I made jokes about this kind of thing and she wrote some book....I forget the title but it was some kind of "Princess Christmas Puppy Baby"-esque title with all the bingo words in it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:46 PM on August 10, 2017

I think "Nookan's Buttymance" is already a Chuck Tingle book.
posted by gloriouslyincandescent at 1:46 AM on August 11, 2017 [3 favorites]

I had just decided to start ordering all my pizzas under the name "Carjery Wilson" when I read the phrase "Midwife Cowpoke" and now I can't breathe

"Hello, Joe's Pizza. Can I get your name?"
"Metheryl Ann Stans."
"How do you spell that?"
"Just like it sounds"

In the name of community, I pledge to also order pizza inder the name Carjery Wilson."

I'm ded.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:52 AM on August 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

I started laughing aloud in the office and had to cover it up with some very fake sounding coughs. 'A Man for Dr Husband' is killing me. And I don't think I have ever read anything as un-steamy as the words 'The Sexy Affair'.
posted by Ziggy500 at 5:37 AM on August 11, 2017 [2 favorites]

I gathered over 20,000 Harlequin Romance novel titles

Holy moly! There are 20,000 Harlequin Romance novels?! I had no idea there were that many.
posted by soundofsuburbia at 5:59 AM on August 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

My favorite thing about Harlequin Romances is that the publisher behind the imprint was also behind "Gold Eagle Publishing", purveyors of terrible "men's adventure" series, such as "Deathlands",, or "The Executioner", or "The Destroyer". Between the Harlequin books and these, I think they pretty much dominated the paperback rack at K-Mart for a few decades.
posted by Ipsifendus at 6:42 AM on August 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Seeping Baby Man

The POTUS45 thread is over there.
posted by acb at 8:25 AM on August 11, 2017 [11 favorites]

My favorite thing about Harlequin Romances is that the publisher behind the imprint was also behind "Gold Eagle Publishing", purveyors of terrible "men's adventure" series, such as "Deathlands",, or "The Executioner", or "The Destroyer".

Was it Harlequin or a rival romance publisher who started a masculine equivalent along similar lines titled “Stony Man” a few years ago?
posted by acb at 8:26 AM on August 11, 2017

> I suspect A Perfect Giantess is something that already exists

*waves beguilingly, enormously*
posted by Ambrosia Voyeur at 10:01 AM on August 11, 2017 [12 favorites]

His Pregnant Prince

That one takes place on Gethen, right? (cf.)
posted by oakroom at 10:32 AM on August 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Secret Secret Baby: The protagonist carries a secret love-child and then as part of the hush money settlement, has to agree to have her memory of both a the affair and pregnancy erased. As she tries to piece together the missing threads of her life...
posted by Karmakaze at 12:05 PM on August 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

Inheritance Sex is the one that slayed me. Inheritance Sex!! Well, ok, all of 'em died me, thanks so much for the laugh.
posted by riverlife at 2:10 PM on August 11, 2017 [1 favorite]

Are the Consultant Bride and the Consultant Count going to have a three-way with the Strange Consultant Surgeon?

I guess being a consultant is hot these days!
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 2:11 PM on August 11, 2017 [4 favorites]

I'd try out the sex bells.
posted by Room 641-A at 2:24 PM on August 11, 2017

The Billionaire's Marriage Valley sounds like a polygamist's romance novel.
posted by nubs at 2:53 PM on August 11, 2017

I will never not find these "_________, Generated by a Neural Net" things hilarious.

I'm always mildly bored through the first half of each one. "Yup. That's mostly what I'd expected a computer to come up with, with a couple funny ones thrown in." And then by the end I'm crying. The "Well, You Tried" section literally broke me. I don't know whether I cry/laughed harder at "I Hate the Marine" or "Never Happened."

Christmas of the Year

Well, that's setting the bar low.

And now I'm crying again.
posted by greermahoney at 2:13 AM on August 12, 2017 [1 favorite]