Thursday Candy Review

September 7, 2017 6:49 PM

Review of Jelly Belly's Pet Rat Gummi Candy
posted by stinkfoot (21 comments total)

Wow, so that's what the most annoying sound in the world sounds like when modulated with English words.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 6:53 PM on September 7, 2017 [4 favorites]

My entire family was once stranded one evening at the Floral Clock in Toronto, due to car trouble. Fortunately, my brother had half a gummy rat with him, so we didn't starve to death as we waited for a tow.
posted by merriment at 6:54 PM on September 7, 2017 [3 favorites]

I've been a gummi fan since JCPenney had candy counters. These have been around for a long time, I'll say 20 years, though not by Jelly Belly, and they taste bad, are not really gummi (or the right kind), and are too large besides. I can eat a half-pound of gummi bears in one sitting, but this? It's gross, in all senses of the word. There's a reason why the name on the package isn't "Trolli."
posted by rhizome at 7:05 PM on September 7, 2017

I made it ten seconds. Why? Just why?
posted by runcibleshaw at 8:27 PM on September 7, 2017 [9 favorites]

no
posted by FritoKAL at 8:30 PM on September 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

I made it ten seconds. Why? Just why?

Seconded.

Not only was the voice agonizing, but I was only able to understand about 40% of what they were saying. I mean, really, people, THINK OF THE DAMN HEARING IMPAIRED!
posted by Samizdata at 9:13 PM on September 7, 2017

Oh my god, I'd heard this referenced eons ago but had never actually seen the video itself and had no idea it could be this bad. I... don't get it. I really don't.
posted by Sequence at 9:19 PM on September 7, 2017

OMG YOU GUYS turn on the closed captions option
posted by ananci at 10:02 PM on September 7, 2017 [1 favorite]

what the hell is that voice

why is any of this
posted by louche mustachio at 10:58 PM on September 7, 2017

OK, turn the closed captioning on and the audio off.

It won't make more sense, but it.. enhances the experience.
posted by louche mustachio at 11:03 PM on September 7, 2017 [2 favorites]

I, too, could only make it for ten seconds. A sampling of the comments:

This video is a sign of the end times.

I'm wearing headphones and every syllable makes me jump.

What is the opposite of subscribing

Mispronounce a word if you're being held hostage.

this is the opposite of asmr

Feel if I showed this to a police officer I would be arrested immediately.

I want these videos played at my funeral while everyone just sits in silence
posted by hurdy gurdy girl at 11:37 PM on September 7, 2017 [6 favorites]

I understood the whole thing and I laughed, I admit it. Then I turned on the closed captions and watched it again and laughed some more.

In very-likely-related news, I have taught middle school for 17 years now and my brain is permanently broken.
posted by charmedimsure at 12:05 AM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

For people who can't understand it, the whole text is in the video description. Or you could just not watch. I recommend the latter.
posted by lollusc at 1:11 AM on September 8, 2017 [3 favorites]

If I was a middle school teacher I would download this and just start playing it instead of wasting my vocal cords on "alright class, be quiet." It probably wouldn't take too many weeks to get a Pavlovian quieting in class from merely gesturing toward my tablet or laptop.
posted by rhizome at 2:44 AM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

This is a parody of some of the many many weird product reviews out there. Usually by a non-english speaker, looking for free swag and, well, you've got to start somewhere, don't you?
posted by Homemade Interossiter at 4:18 AM on September 8, 2017

I thought it was pretty funny, but not as funny as Matt Gourley's Ian Fleming character.
posted by He Is Only The Imposter at 5:28 AM on September 8, 2017

This is a parody of some of the many many weird product reviews out there. Usually by a non-english speaker

So it's racist as well as misery inducing?
posted by howfar at 12:20 PM on September 8, 2017

So it's racist as well as misery inducing?

Eh, linguist maybe.
posted by rhizome at 1:06 PM on September 8, 2017

I don't think that's what's happening here - there's a clear system of vowel sound replacement that's unique to his videos. Still, it's weird as fuck and watching them is an esoteric form of self-harm.
posted by stinkfoot at 5:25 PM on September 8, 2017

They're the Captain Beefheart of unboxers.
posted by rhizome at 5:47 PM on September 8, 2017 [1 favorite]

"What is he gibbering about?"
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 6:38 PM on September 8, 2017