Congratu-fucking-lations!
November 4, 2017 8:08 PM Subscribe
The Canadian Down Syndrome Society would like to offer some suggestions on what to say when you hear that a friend's bundle of joy has Down Syndrome. And what not to say. Perhaps you'd prefer to send a card?
Telling Canadians not to say sorry!
But this was great.
posted by batter_my_heart at 8:24 PM on November 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
But this was great.
posted by batter_my_heart at 8:24 PM on November 4, 2017 [6 favorites]
Correction, that was fucking great!
posted by Frayed Knot at 8:33 PM on November 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by Frayed Knot at 8:33 PM on November 4, 2017 [2 favorites]
The cards are GREAT!
posted by third word on a random page at 9:00 PM on November 4, 2017
posted by third word on a random page at 9:00 PM on November 4, 2017
Awesome. We have a a family member with Downs, and he is the most amazing human. Kind and gentle and fun and fabulous, and I would cut someone who suggested that our family should be sorry to have him in it.
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:05 PM on November 4, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by SecretAgentSockpuppet at 9:05 PM on November 4, 2017 [5 favorites]
I wish there was a feature movie with Down actors only.
posted by Laotic at 11:12 PM on November 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Laotic at 11:12 PM on November 4, 2017 [1 favorite]
I loved the video, but when I got to the "send a card" link, I couldn't help cringing. It's not actually true that the only wrong thing to say when a baby is born is "I'm sorry." For instance, one of their cards asks, "So, who's the dad?" I know they're trying to be funny and edgy, but if you've ever been on the receiving end of that question--and I have--well, it's not edgy or funny. It's fucking offensive and hurtful.
The actual question I got after my second baby was born: "So, do they have the same father?" This was from a person who knew my partner is trans, and that our first baby was conceived with donor sperm. She meant "sperm donor," but even if she'd gotten that right--holy shit. She asked it in public, in a group of people not all of whom had known me and my partner since before his transition. What might they have made of that question? By asking it, she risked encouraging people to ask nosy questions; revealed something about my reproductive history I might not have wanted to share; and risked disclosing on my partner's behalf.
This I would not have mentioned if not for the "who's the dad?" card, but as the parent of one trans and one non-binary kid (as well as two cismale kids), I'm not too thrilled with "it's a boy/it's a girl" either. That's not a degree of offensive I'd have made a stink about on it's own, but while I'm complaining about the absolute unacceptability of a card implying a new mother doesn't know the father of her baby--which is wrong and offensive and horrible whether she does or doesn't--I thought I'd toss it into the pot.
posted by Orlop at 1:42 AM on November 5, 2017 [16 favorites]
The actual question I got after my second baby was born: "So, do they have the same father?" This was from a person who knew my partner is trans, and that our first baby was conceived with donor sperm. She meant "sperm donor," but even if she'd gotten that right--holy shit. She asked it in public, in a group of people not all of whom had known me and my partner since before his transition. What might they have made of that question? By asking it, she risked encouraging people to ask nosy questions; revealed something about my reproductive history I might not have wanted to share; and risked disclosing on my partner's behalf.
This I would not have mentioned if not for the "who's the dad?" card, but as the parent of one trans and one non-binary kid (as well as two cismale kids), I'm not too thrilled with "it's a boy/it's a girl" either. That's not a degree of offensive I'd have made a stink about on it's own, but while I'm complaining about the absolute unacceptability of a card implying a new mother doesn't know the father of her baby--which is wrong and offensive and horrible whether she does or doesn't--I thought I'd toss it into the pot.
posted by Orlop at 1:42 AM on November 5, 2017 [16 favorites]
Thank you for posting this. I would say to someone "if your experience is anything like mine, this person will become the lodestone of your family, the magnetic force drawing everyone together, the person who will remind you of your importance in the lives of your loved ones, and who will challenge you to live your best possible life."
posted by Shebear at 2:43 AM on November 5, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by Shebear at 2:43 AM on November 5, 2017 [10 favorites]
My baby girl has Downs and I love this - thank you for posting it
posted by mrbenn at 3:20 AM on November 5, 2017 [12 favorites]
posted by mrbenn at 3:20 AM on November 5, 2017 [12 favorites]
Great video, so sad that it is apparently necessary, that even doctors and nurses apparently aren't wiser. But seconding Orlop, that "who's the dad?" card is awful and I cannot fathom how an advocacy organization would think that that's a good idea for a card. It's one of the questions I hate most (for completely different reasons than Orlop, but the effect is the same, I too find it offensive and hurtful). The sucky thing about that question is that it doesn't go away. People have no problem asking who your 16-year old's dad is. And it always catches you off-guard, it's people who you were having a nice conversation with, and they of course don't think anything about it. These cards too, are probably bought by people who supposedly "get it", so you're more likely to receive them from people you actually liked.
posted by blub at 5:13 AM on November 5, 2017
posted by blub at 5:13 AM on November 5, 2017
That one card is definitely the turd in the list; the rest were pretty innocuous other than the swearing.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:01 AM on November 5, 2017
posted by Dip Flash at 7:01 AM on November 5, 2017
Reminds me of a local Vancouver broadcaster who spoke at a local TEDx talk in 2014 about her experiences with the medical system when she birthed a special needs child, versus her experiences a few years later when she had cancer - here.
posted by what's her name at 7:17 AM on November 5, 2017
posted by what's her name at 7:17 AM on November 5, 2017
Meanwhile in Iceland: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/iceland-downs-syndrome-no-children-born-first-country-world-screening-a7895996.html
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:52 AM on November 5, 2017
posted by ITravelMontana at 7:52 AM on November 5, 2017
I feel like they weren't aiming for the other responses to be inoffensive, but to make a point that saying sorry about the birth of someone's baby is still worse than saying those other things. But because of the potential stigma and implications re: trans and queer parents, victims of rape, etc, the one about "Who's The Dad?" seems to miss the mark of "offensive or overly personal but not aimed at another marginalized group" that most of the others seem to hit.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:57 AM on November 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by jacquilynne at 7:57 AM on November 5, 2017 [1 favorite]
My 2 year old son has Down Syndrome, and he is by far the mot loving, and most hilarious person I've ever met. Will randomly hug for no reason :) He's starting to talk, and his favorite thing to say is all done, which can mean anything from stop reading to me, to no I don't want my teeth brushed.
My wife has gone to speak to doctors at local hospitals, to teach them the right way to spread the news to new mothers who were unaware.
posted by triage_lazarus at 8:39 AM on November 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
My wife has gone to speak to doctors at local hospitals, to teach them the right way to spread the news to new mothers who were unaware.
posted by triage_lazarus at 8:39 AM on November 5, 2017 [9 favorites]
Meanwhile in Iceland
Yeah while the Independent link is probably the fairest reporting I've seen on the subject in the English-language press, it's still not the full story.
All women are indeed offered Combination Screening, and there is indeed no requirement to terminate the pregnancy if the results come back positive (despite what Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz might have said). But there isn't a significantly lower proportion of children with Downs in Iceland and elsewhere; here, the ratio is about 1 in 800 births, compared to the global average of about 1 in 700. Further, there is no shame in the parents who choose not to terminate. In fact, there is an org (in Icelandic) for these parents, who are encouraged not only to educate themselves; they are encouraged to celebrate the precious gift they've brought into the world.
It's not unusual for reporting of what goes on here to have some inaccuracies. But this particular story's misrepresentation has made me particularly sad.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 9:24 AM on November 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
Yeah while the Independent link is probably the fairest reporting I've seen on the subject in the English-language press, it's still not the full story.
All women are indeed offered Combination Screening, and there is indeed no requirement to terminate the pregnancy if the results come back positive (despite what Sarah Palin and Ted Cruz might have said). But there isn't a significantly lower proportion of children with Downs in Iceland and elsewhere; here, the ratio is about 1 in 800 births, compared to the global average of about 1 in 700. Further, there is no shame in the parents who choose not to terminate. In fact, there is an org (in Icelandic) for these parents, who are encouraged not only to educate themselves; they are encouraged to celebrate the precious gift they've brought into the world.
It's not unusual for reporting of what goes on here to have some inaccuracies. But this particular story's misrepresentation has made me particularly sad.
posted by Aya Hirano on the Astral Plane at 9:24 AM on November 5, 2017 [4 favorites]
When I moved to Ireland, the visibility of people with DS was the 2nd most striking thing. The rate is 1 in 550 and my understanding is that it is rising due to increased maternal age. People with DS are everywhere, and it is in no way remarkable to see them. DS is very normalised. So while couples who screen for DS do choose to travel abroad to abort, they do so only about 50% of the time, compared to 92% of the time in the UK. One third of women don't choose to screen at all. [Source]
posted by DarlingBri at 4:48 PM on November 5, 2017
posted by DarlingBri at 4:48 PM on November 5, 2017
You know me, right?
I've been hear forever. I have a 14 year old with Down syndrome. I show up late to threads.
At any rate, I wrote up this brief blog about the ad comparing to "Dear Future Mom", a PSA for World Down Syndrome Day, that was released a few years go.
tl;dr - I liked it.
I will also mention that I had the opportunity to sit down with a fellow that I used to work with many, many years ago. I asked about his family and he was clearly having a hard time telling me about his son who recently decided that he identifies with the male gender, not his birth gender. When his wife joined us, I said "[he] was just telling me about your son. Congratulations!" Because I get it.
posted by plinth at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2017 [7 favorites]
I've been hear forever. I have a 14 year old with Down syndrome. I show up late to threads.
At any rate, I wrote up this brief blog about the ad comparing to "Dear Future Mom", a PSA for World Down Syndrome Day, that was released a few years go.
tl;dr - I liked it.
I will also mention that I had the opportunity to sit down with a fellow that I used to work with many, many years ago. I asked about his family and he was clearly having a hard time telling me about his son who recently decided that he identifies with the male gender, not his birth gender. When his wife joined us, I said "[he] was just telling me about your son. Congratulations!" Because I get it.
posted by plinth at 6:06 PM on November 5, 2017 [7 favorites]
Holy s* plinth that Dear Future Mom video hit me right in the feels.
The best part was the French man with downs. He is SO French in his comportement, being downs is a mere footnote.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:09 AM on November 6, 2017
The best part was the French man with downs. He is SO French in his comportement, being downs is a mere footnote.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 12:09 AM on November 6, 2017
I read a book on parenting children with Down syndrome a few years ago that described it as a yellow raincoat that your child wears most of the time. There are days when s/he takes it off and for that brief time, you see your child as typical.
Alice wears her raincoat most of the time.
The other day, I was taking her to rehearsal for the Nutcracker (we're both in it again) and she was chewing me out and bitching at me the whole trip to the studio. When we got there, she listened, followed and learned the choreography and was sweet as pie. The moment we got back in the car, she immediately started right back in bitching.
"And this," I thought, "is the time she chose to take off the raincoat? To show me that she is, in fact, a teenage girl?" At least I know that she has the social skills to treat me one way in private and a totally different way in public. You know, like every family does. And I guess therein lies the silver lining that I didn't also get the awkward situation of being chewed out during rehearsal and having to pull out the parent card.
posted by plinth at 3:16 AM on November 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
Alice wears her raincoat most of the time.
The other day, I was taking her to rehearsal for the Nutcracker (we're both in it again) and she was chewing me out and bitching at me the whole trip to the studio. When we got there, she listened, followed and learned the choreography and was sweet as pie. The moment we got back in the car, she immediately started right back in bitching.
"And this," I thought, "is the time she chose to take off the raincoat? To show me that she is, in fact, a teenage girl?" At least I know that she has the social skills to treat me one way in private and a totally different way in public. You know, like every family does. And I guess therein lies the silver lining that I didn't also get the awkward situation of being chewed out during rehearsal and having to pull out the parent card.
posted by plinth at 3:16 AM on November 6, 2017 [3 favorites]
I don't care for that Iceland article either - it makes it sound like prenatal testing for Down's Syndrome is unique to Iceland an also an anomaly? That's ridiculous.
Anyhow, this is awesome. I'm 37 and newly pregnant (risk of having a child with Down's rises as mothers age). If my child has Down's Syndrome and I hear an "I'm sorry", someone's getting punched in the face.
posted by kitcat at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2017
Anyhow, this is awesome. I'm 37 and newly pregnant (risk of having a child with Down's rises as mothers age). If my child has Down's Syndrome and I hear an "I'm sorry", someone's getting punched in the face.
posted by kitcat at 10:25 AM on November 6, 2017
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