Mon Dieu, it's full of...

February 20, 2018 5:30 PM

{gravelly voice} Throughout history, mythical creatures and phenomenon have been spoken of, described, searched for. Often, with no resulting evidence, no video, no photo. The Yeti, the Sasquatch, the Unicorn, non-hipsters who eat Blue Star donuts; the roll-call of unproven legends goes on. But now, deep in the Val de Bagnes of Switzerland, unambiguous photographic proof has emerged of the most mystical, most tasty of them all... (as discussed in the Irish media, a nearby sighting, and another, the anatomy of one, a herd or flock, just over the border in Italy, and a previous sighting of similar)
posted by Wordshore (20 comments total)

It makes my lactose intolerant yet cheese loving heart sing. It's a good thing I don't live in Switzerland, I'd be so so sick. God I love cheese. My favorite thing about that twitter link is this reply which shows a picture of a prosecco vending machine. Which is just to me the height of perfection, decadence, and good clean living. On a terrible plane trip back home from burying my Grandmother a wonderful flight attendant kept giving me free prosecco to drink and gave me an entire bottle on the down low to take home with me. I've loved prosecco ever since. And as a bonus, it doesn't make me super sick like cheese! (as long as I don't drink too much of it at once of course :))
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 5:37 PM on February 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

It's weird how the rise of universal high-quality pocket cameras matches the decline in recorded cryptozoological sightings.

I'm glad to see some mythological (creatures? locations?) getting proven true for a change.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 5:52 PM on February 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

In my country cheese is a luxury item controlled by a cartel, so it kind of blows my mind that Swiss people have the money and need for the convenience of a cheese vending machine. Instead of saving up for a hard orange brick (and treasuring every expensive crumb), they can just drop by the vending machine after work and pick up some raclette. It must be wonderful.
posted by Kevin Street at 6:08 PM on February 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

There was a short lived banana vending machine outside a gym here. It was across the road from a supermarket where there were bananas on sale within line of sight, so I guess that ended that. They replaced it with one that sells phone accessories like headphones and batteries, which is handy because it's upstairs from a train station. I suppose it's all about placement.

This needs to be near a wine and crackers vending machine then.

Having total cheese control is like the prohibition on alcohol, right? It's too easy to make. Curious about where Kevin lives now.

TIL: To make cheeses was a schoolgirls' amusement (1835) of wheeling rapidly so one's petticoats blew out in a circle then dropping down so they came to rest inflated and resembling a wheel of cheese; hence, used figuratively for "a deep curtsey."
posted by adept256 at 6:36 PM on February 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

or a deep curDsy, amirite?
posted by randomkeystrike at 6:55 PM on February 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Hub-And-Spoke Cheese Cartels - Is The OFT's Case Full Of Holes? - even in the UK, cheese business is dirty business.

And a pal, recently returned from an humanitarian visit to Russia, reports that the cheese situation there is dire following a state ban on imports of EU, US, Canadian and Australian imports in 2014. This has led to some notable cheese smuggling incidents.

My novel set in the sordid wheels of international cheesepionage, "Tinker, Tailor, Gruyere, Brie", will be available from all good fromageries in 2019.
posted by Devonian at 7:00 PM on February 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

From the "anatomy" link, you can explore the exciting world of all sorts of other vending machines, including:

Cheese Vending machine
Crab Vending machine
Dried Vegetable Vending machine
Dry fruits Vending machine
Egg Vending machine
Frozen fruits Vending machine
Frozen Vegetable Vending machine
Fruit Vending machine
Healthy Fruit Vending machine
Hot dog Vending machine
Meat Vending machine
Pizza Vending machine
Prawn Vending machine
Puffs Vending machine
Salad Vending machine
Samosa Vending machine
Sandwich Vending machine
Vegetable Vending machine
Yogurt Vending machine
posted by turbid dahlia at 7:02 PM on February 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Frites for me.
posted by Segundus at 7:56 PM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I'm not a hipster, I'm just willing to spend way too much money on a boozy doughnut
posted by OverlappingElvis at 8:52 PM on February 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Red Leicester
(coin return)
Tilsit
(coin return)
Caerphilly
(coin return)
Bel Paese
(coin return)
Red Windsor
(coin return)
...
posted by hal9k at 9:21 PM on February 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

I’m the contributor of the also-in-Switzerland beef tartare vending machine in the twitter thread. For the record:

- I do not know anyone who gets their raclette cheese (or beef tartare!) out of a vending machine;
- Yeah, it is pretty dreary being lactose intolerant in Switzerland;
- I can have occasional cheese if I take a lactaid pill, so a few weeks ago I splurged on a croque monsieur at a cafe I like and...it came with American cheese?! THE BETRAYAL.
posted by bettafish at 9:38 PM on February 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

Just Canada, adept256. Maybe I exaggerated when I called it a cartel, but we have a "supply management" system run by the Canadian Dairy Commission that keeps prices high. For a poor slob like me cheese is an expensive treat.

It seems the Swiss have the opposite problem. A little Googling reveals that Switzerland used to have a cheese cartel called the Schweizer Käseunion. They were the big wheel in the Alps for nearly a century, but they broke too many laws and were offically disbanded in 1999. Since then the Swiss dairy industry has been struggling to withstand a milky tsunami of dairy products from the European Union, leading to low prices and an urgent need to innovate which may be why things like cheese vending machines now exist.
posted by Kevin Street at 9:57 PM on February 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

AAAAAAAAHHHHH! IT'S LENT!

(I don't suppose they have a fish vending machine?)
posted by filthy_prescriptivist at 12:01 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

... so a few weeks ago I splurged on a croque monsieur at a cafe I like and...it came with American cheese?!

Sending thoughts and prayers.
posted by Wordshore at 12:35 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

Hard cheese (= aged cheese), like Emmental, Appenzell, Comté, Gruyère, Parmiggiano, Gouda, Cheddar, Chester etc. etc., is lactose free (less than 0.01%), as in the aging process the lactose gets turned into lactic acid. Some soft cheeses like Camenbert, Brie, Roquefort, Mozzarella are lactose-free, too. Rule of thumb: If the cheese has aged 6 months or more, the lactose is completely gone.

(Former cheese-monger here)
posted by ojemine at 3:48 AM on February 21, 2018 [9 favorites]

Cartels! Smuggling! And here I thought Jasper Fforde was creating his cheese subplots from whole cloth.
posted by inconstant at 6:45 AM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

I don't suppose they have a fish vending machine

In Wisconsin, we have vending machines that sell bait, including live minnows and night crawlers.
posted by carmicha at 7:00 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I disagree with Mitch Hedburg in that the vending machine is the worst way to buy any product. Everything is worse when I have to stare at it behind glass and type in random number and letter combinations and then hope that the internal mechanisms doesn't fail. And if it does? There is occasionally a number written in tiny print or a procedure taped to the machine that I have to follow to get a tiny amount of money back. Vending machines are the worst aspects of money, products, and banking. The slightly-less awful drive-thru is a step up from the vending machine.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:49 AM on February 21, 2018 [2 favorites]

I'm a Vermonter spending the month in Wisconsin, and there they seem to have different ideas of what 'Sharp Cheddar' means. Missing Cabot very much.
posted by MtDewd at 6:11 PM on February 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

When choosing Wisconsin cheddar, specify the number of years of aging--at least five, preferably ten--to get the super sharpness you crave.
posted by carmicha at 7:16 PM on February 21, 2018