WELL NONE OF YOU WILL LET ME HAVE CHICKENS
April 29, 2018 4:57 AM Subscribe
Me: YOU CAN’T HAVE A SECRET PARROT IN THE HOUSE. SLTwitter.
Yeah, I mean if my spouse did this I would be deeply disappointed in their complete disregard for my clearly set boundaries, but I guess that’s just me. Fuck that guy, huh?
posted by leotrotsky at 5:36 AM on April 29, 2018 [23 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 5:36 AM on April 29, 2018 [23 favorites]
It’s not just you. I had the same reaction.
posted by Ampersand692 at 5:45 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Ampersand692 at 5:45 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
I guess that Twitter is the new Flash Fiction, but with GIFs.
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:50 AM on April 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by Major Matt Mason Dixon at 5:50 AM on April 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
aww, I thought this was sweet. or at least it will be sweet, until the family finds out HOW. FUCKING. LOUD. LOVEBIRDS. CAN. BE.
especially early in the morning.
posted by phooky at 5:53 AM on April 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
especially early in the morning.
posted by phooky at 5:53 AM on April 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
I laughed till I cried. Loved the comments too: was at a party once & they had a parrot in the kitchen. It kept saying ‘help! Help! They’ve turned me into a parrot’ ..
posted by mumimor at 5:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [25 favorites]
posted by mumimor at 5:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [25 favorites]
Reads a bit lIke an Archer script.
posted by tdismukes at 5:58 AM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by tdismukes at 5:58 AM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
It is rather concerning that at no point do they consider the needs of the birds:
You want a bird? Great! Don’t get a parrot! Think instead of getting something that doesn’t need the insane social environment and 60+ years from you. Get a pigeon, dove, finch, canary, maybe even a starling. They don’t scream, they can’t break your finger, and can be just as cuddly. They aren’t endangered, they do well with a pal, but don’t self-mutilate at the drop of a pin. They still need plenty of time and care, but certain pigeon species have been domesticated, meaning they do better in captivity. PARROTS ARE TAME, NOT DOMESTICATED.
80% of large parrots will be surrendered within their first 2 years in a home. IF YOU AREN’T READY TO CARE FOR A STRONG, LOUD, TEMPERAMENTAL, NEEDY, FEATHERED INFANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DO NOT GET A PARROT!
Chickens on the other hand make great pets, the fact they think chickens would be worse tells me they really don't know what they are getting into.
posted by Lanark at 5:59 AM on April 29, 2018 [54 favorites]
You want a bird? Great! Don’t get a parrot! Think instead of getting something that doesn’t need the insane social environment and 60+ years from you. Get a pigeon, dove, finch, canary, maybe even a starling. They don’t scream, they can’t break your finger, and can be just as cuddly. They aren’t endangered, they do well with a pal, but don’t self-mutilate at the drop of a pin. They still need plenty of time and care, but certain pigeon species have been domesticated, meaning they do better in captivity. PARROTS ARE TAME, NOT DOMESTICATED.
80% of large parrots will be surrendered within their first 2 years in a home. IF YOU AREN’T READY TO CARE FOR A STRONG, LOUD, TEMPERAMENTAL, NEEDY, FEATHERED INFANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DO NOT GET A PARROT!
Chickens on the other hand make great pets, the fact they think chickens would be worse tells me they really don't know what they are getting into.
posted by Lanark at 5:59 AM on April 29, 2018 [54 favorites]
Don't forget the tin-snips. Parrots are strong, loud, temperamental, needy, feathered infants WITH TIN SNIPS.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:01 AM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:01 AM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
I think my favourite parrot-related anecdote is the occasional chicken drumstick treat my friend gives her cockatoo. He balances on one leg, uses the other to pick up the length of bone in his shiny black claws, and gnaws a sliver of meat off it. And we stare at him. And he stares back. And he cocks his head. Yoinks his crest up and down. And yanks off another bit of meat.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:06 AM on April 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
He knows exactly what he's doing.
posted by seanmpuckett at 6:06 AM on April 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
I thought that the biggest sacrifice associated with taking up with the future Mr. Carmicha was that I would be unable to live with a cat (or, theoretically, a dog though I've never lived with one) ever again due to his allergies. Then, about five years in, we bought a two family house to use as an office. My company moved in upstairs and his took over the downstairs. About five years after that I realized that I could have an office cat. The employees all discussed it and everyone agreed it would be ok. The six of us went together to the animal shelter to pick out a kitty, and Rupert--who I hadn't even noticed--reached out of his cage (the shelter has since gone to cat colonies) and grabbed my shirt. I picked him up and it was looooovvve.
In theory, Rupert would stay upstairs at the office--he got along with everyone-- and come home for weekends, where he would be constrained in his ability to roam our house, never ever be allowed in our bedroom, etc. But Rupert soon decided that Mr. Carmicha was his favorite person in the whole wild world. And, in a miracle, Mr. Carmicha suffered no allergic effects from Rupert and returned his devotion. So Rupert commuted to the office (he likes cars) Monday through Friday. Five years later, Mr. Carmicha retired and, without much discussion, Rupert retired from his office job too. The two of them are inseparable. Mr. Carmicha works as a wood sculptor now and it's a toss-up as to which of them has more sawdust in his fur.
It's been over ten years since Rupert joined us. And while we refer to him as Equal Opportunity Kitty for the way he splits his time between our laps, he sleeps curled up next to Mr. Carmicha every night.
posted by carmicha at 6:13 AM on April 29, 2018 [96 favorites]
In theory, Rupert would stay upstairs at the office--he got along with everyone-- and come home for weekends, where he would be constrained in his ability to roam our house, never ever be allowed in our bedroom, etc. But Rupert soon decided that Mr. Carmicha was his favorite person in the whole wild world. And, in a miracle, Mr. Carmicha suffered no allergic effects from Rupert and returned his devotion. So Rupert commuted to the office (he likes cars) Monday through Friday. Five years later, Mr. Carmicha retired and, without much discussion, Rupert retired from his office job too. The two of them are inseparable. Mr. Carmicha works as a wood sculptor now and it's a toss-up as to which of them has more sawdust in his fur.
It's been over ten years since Rupert joined us. And while we refer to him as Equal Opportunity Kitty for the way he splits his time between our laps, he sleeps curled up next to Mr. Carmicha every night.
posted by carmicha at 6:13 AM on April 29, 2018 [96 favorites]
You want a bird? Great! Don’t get a parrot! Think instead of getting something that doesn’t need the insane social environment and 60+ years from you. Get a pigeon, dove, finch, canary, maybe even a starling. They don’t scream, they can’t break your finger, and can be just as cuddly. They aren’t endangered, they do well with a pal, but don’t self-mutilate at the drop of a pin. They still need plenty of time and care, but certain pigeon species have been domesticated, meaning they do better in captivity. PARROTS ARE TAME, NOT DOMESTICATED.
80% of large parrots will be surrendered within their first 2 years in a home. IF YOU AREN’T READY TO CARE FOR A STRONG, LOUD, TEMPERAMENTAL, NEEDY, FEATHERED INFANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DO NOT GET A PARROT!
Yeah, my great aunt had a terrible parrot that outlived her and was probably put down by my aunt. I don't want to know. But my great aunt really loved that parrot, and they did have a good 50-60 years together. None of them liked other people much, and they were a perfect fit.
posted by mumimor at 6:17 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
80% of large parrots will be surrendered within their first 2 years in a home. IF YOU AREN’T READY TO CARE FOR A STRONG, LOUD, TEMPERAMENTAL, NEEDY, FEATHERED INFANT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE DO NOT GET A PARROT!
Yeah, my great aunt had a terrible parrot that outlived her and was probably put down by my aunt. I don't want to know. But my great aunt really loved that parrot, and they did have a good 50-60 years together. None of them liked other people much, and they were a perfect fit.
posted by mumimor at 6:17 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
And they bought the birds from some Rando in a private sale, which means it’s a near guarantee that they’re carrying one of many pleasant bacterial or fungal problems that birds are prone to!
The author notes that there’s kids in the house, so congratulate her mama on bringing new and exciting vectors for disease into the house!
“Histoplasmosis is a fungal disease that is spread to people when they breathe in dust from pigeon or bat droppings. Birds do not get sick from exposure to histoplasmosis.
Very few people become infected with histoplasmosis... Infants, older people, and those with weakened immune systems are more susceptible to the fungus and might develop more serious illness.” — CDC Website
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
The author notes that there’s kids in the house, so congratulate her mama on bringing new and exciting vectors for disease into the house!
“Histoplasmosis is a fungal disease that is spread to people when they breathe in dust from pigeon or bat droppings. Birds do not get sick from exposure to histoplasmosis.
Very few people become infected with histoplasmosis... Infants, older people, and those with weakened immune systems are more susceptible to the fungus and might develop more serious illness.” — CDC Website
posted by The Pluto Gangsta at 6:19 AM on April 29, 2018 [7 favorites]
Thank God the rest of you are spoilsports along with me.
“It’s a funny story! Crazy lady is crazy! You’re no fun!”
“She’s emotionally abusive and they’ll all soon die of a bird-borne communicable disease.”
Metafilter: for all your wet blanket needs.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2018 [73 favorites]
“It’s a funny story! Crazy lady is crazy! You’re no fun!”
“She’s emotionally abusive and they’ll all soon die of a bird-borne communicable disease.”
Metafilter: for all your wet blanket needs.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:32 AM on April 29, 2018 [73 favorites]
What’s more, if your reaction is to find this story funny, rather than troubling, it’s likely you’re deploying the same humor-based coping mechanism to deal with emotionally disregulated people in your own life, and maybe have some work to do there.
posted by leotrotsky at 6:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by leotrotsky at 6:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [12 favorites]
Poor birds.
posted by pracowity at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 6:48 AM on April 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
My parents both do this to each other, including the part where the get the animal in some shady grocery store parking lot exchange. Their house is wild. The final straw is when they mention peacocks though. I don't even live with them and I refuse to let them get peacocks. They clearly have never tried to have a good night's sleep around a peacock.
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by tofu_crouton at 7:21 AM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Next week:
DAD: I made you all dinner tonight.
MUM: Thank you, dear. What did you make?
DAD: Cornish Game Hens. *looks at Noor, whispers Shhhh*
posted by delfin at 7:26 AM on April 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
DAD: I made you all dinner tonight.
MUM: Thank you, dear. What did you make?
DAD: Cornish Game Hens. *looks at Noor, whispers Shhhh*
posted by delfin at 7:26 AM on April 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
Given how long those birds live, the kids just got themselves two parrots whether they realize or not.
posted by tommasz at 7:32 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by tommasz at 7:32 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
When I hear that there's 11 people in the house (from several generations, it looks like), I kind of feel that there's a good chance that there's enough humanity going on that there's a reasonable chance of them not being neglected. Likewise, it's possible that the communication patterns are also actually OK, because everyone has someone who's their ally or confidant.
But I can't say that it's ever the wrong time for a “don't adopt birds without properly considering it” warning. So maybe it's time to link to definitely healthily reared birds, like the brood of budgies that London tech journalist Holly Brockwell recently reared, and created an instagram account for. Or, a well known looker-afterer of birds's green cheeked conure.
posted by ambrosen at 7:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
But I can't say that it's ever the wrong time for a “don't adopt birds without properly considering it” warning. So maybe it's time to link to definitely healthily reared birds, like the brood of budgies that London tech journalist Holly Brockwell recently reared, and created an instagram account for. Or, a well known looker-afterer of birds's green cheeked conure.
posted by ambrosen at 7:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
If we're talking about parrots, no conversation is complete without a link to Nattie's comment about her African Grey, Bongo. Really, this comment belongs in the Metafilter Comment Hall of Fame.
"You're a really good Nattie. Haha. I love you, bitch."
posted by workerant at 7:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [31 favorites]
"You're a really good Nattie. Haha. I love you, bitch."
posted by workerant at 7:34 AM on April 29, 2018 [31 favorites]
And he cocks his head. Yoinks his crest up and down. And yanks off another bit of meat.
We used to have a Moluccan cockatoo who loved drumsticks. We'd take off most of the meat, and then he'd clean the rest off. And then he'd break it neatly in half the long way and eat the marrow.
There's nothing wrong with a bird eating a bird. Any more than a fox eating a rabbit--mammal-on-mammal action. People are always like, "OMG, cannibalism!" but that's just dumb.
posted by Orlop at 7:43 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
We used to have a Moluccan cockatoo who loved drumsticks. We'd take off most of the meat, and then he'd clean the rest off. And then he'd break it neatly in half the long way and eat the marrow.
There's nothing wrong with a bird eating a bird. Any more than a fox eating a rabbit--mammal-on-mammal action. People are always like, "OMG, cannibalism!" but that's just dumb.
posted by Orlop at 7:43 AM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
What’s more, if your reaction is to find this story funny, rather than troubling, it’s likely you’re deploying the same humor-based coping mechanism to deal with emotionally disregulated people in your own life, and maybe have some work to do there.
I have zero dogs in this fight otherwise, but jesus h. christ don't go telling people who are not you what coping mechanisms are okay to have or not have.
posted by jklaiho at 7:49 AM on April 29, 2018 [39 favorites]
I have zero dogs in this fight otherwise, but jesus h. christ don't go telling people who are not you what coping mechanisms are okay to have or not have.
posted by jklaiho at 7:49 AM on April 29, 2018 [39 favorites]
It was a joke based on my immediate prior comment that we’re all terrible spoil sports.
posted by leotrotsky at 7:53 AM on April 29, 2018
posted by leotrotsky at 7:53 AM on April 29, 2018
I have a friend whose ex-wife bought a bunch of guinea pigs after that had agreed that they weren't going to get any. It was one more nail in the coffin of their marriage.
posted by cjorgensen at 7:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by cjorgensen at 7:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
Yeah, this isn't a decision to take lightly. Parrot sanctuaries are full to bursting of birds from people who charged in without knowing what they were getting into. It's horribly sad.
Anyway, since we're telling bird stories, have I ever told you guys about Mr. Bird? Turns out Grandma's blue parakeet Mr. Bird was actually a series of blue parakeets named Mr. Bird.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:57 AM on April 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
Anyway, since we're telling bird stories, have I ever told you guys about Mr. Bird? Turns out Grandma's blue parakeet Mr. Bird was actually a series of blue parakeets named Mr. Bird.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:57 AM on April 29, 2018 [14 favorites]
I loved the part where the dad's cat allergy was called into question. With apologies to allergy-sufferers! But my dad grew up in a city teeming with wild cats, so he's never really warmed to them as domesticated animals. He regards them as convenient pest-killers at best, and plain pests at the worst. When I was a kid and begged my parents for a cat, they straight up lied about dad's "cat allergy" for years.
...uh, considering the thread, I should say that I don't think I've been scarred by my parents' duplicitous ways and poor communication with my childhood self.
posted by grandiloquiet at 8:09 AM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
...uh, considering the thread, I should say that I don't think I've been scarred by my parents' duplicitous ways and poor communication with my childhood self.
posted by grandiloquiet at 8:09 AM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
FWIW, she actually got a pair of lovebirds, which according to Wikipedia have a lifespan of 10-15 years. I don't know about sourcing or disease-vectoring of lovebirds, but goddamn if I'd sacrificed the best years of my life raising a brood of humans (and reading between the lines, perhaps now also grandmumming to a new generation) and they don't have enough gratitude in their hearts to let poor old mum have this one thing that is dear to her heart...well, let's just say I can sympathize with Team Secret Parrot.
posted by drlith at 8:30 AM on April 29, 2018 [30 favorites]
posted by drlith at 8:30 AM on April 29, 2018 [30 favorites]
A Vietnamese tenant where I start my day has an African Gray which has yet to learn Vietnamese but has an awesome vocabulary in English. It says Hello in three voices, two male, one female, whistles the You Got Mail tune, and recites conversations and scraps of talk radio. I can't whistle but I can cluck my tongue down the hall at it when his choreworker leaves the door open.
It clicks back. With echoes.
I have walked in to see it and it has said "Hello, how are you ?" I say "Fine, how are you ?" And it says "Good, thank you !"
God, I love that bird.
posted by y2karl at 8:36 AM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
It clicks back. With echoes.
I have walked in to see it and it has said "Hello, how are you ?" I say "Fine, how are you ?" And it says "Good, thank you !"
God, I love that bird.
posted by y2karl at 8:36 AM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
Me: You don’t NEED a parrot, no one NEEDS a parrot
We will have to agree to disagree.
posted by Splunge at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2018
We will have to agree to disagree.
posted by Splunge at 9:02 AM on April 29, 2018
It was a joke based on my immediate prior comment that we’re all terrible spoil sports.
If it sounds exactly like what people say and have often said on this site, it in no way reads as a joke.
posted by 41swans at 9:09 AM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
If it sounds exactly like what people say and have often said on this site, it in no way reads as a joke.
posted by 41swans at 9:09 AM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
This is more or less how the cat came into our lives. Turns out my allergies are manageable as long as she’s brushed daily. Naturally, I’m her favorite person and she helpfully stands guard on my chest all night while I sleep. Next week she’s getting paperwork to have me designated as her Emotional Support Human which means I’ll get to go on the airplane with her, but I also think it’s going to cut into my ability to go to work and stuff.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:18 AM on April 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:18 AM on April 29, 2018 [11 favorites]
This thread and the thread in question reminded me of This American Life's "Polly Wants More Than A Cracker": https://www.thisamericanlife.org/228/you-are-so-beautifulto-me
posted by olya at 9:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by olya at 9:55 AM on April 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
My father met a mynah bird once who lived in a restaurant and therefore met many strangers.
Dad: Can you talk?
Bird: Can you fly?
posted by carmicha at 10:11 AM on April 29, 2018 [30 favorites]
Dad: Can you talk?
Bird: Can you fly?
posted by carmicha at 10:11 AM on April 29, 2018 [30 favorites]
an African Gray ... whistles the You Got Mail tune
OK, that really brought home the enormity of how long these things live.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
OK, that really brought home the enormity of how long these things live.
posted by selfmedicating at 10:18 AM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
It was a joke based on my immediate prior comment that we’re all terrible spoil sports.
I think it's VITALLY important that we spend the next 40 posts debating whether the joke was recognizable as a joke, and who it insulted. And maybe have a Metatalk thread. Because Metafilter.
posted by happyroach at 10:27 AM on April 29, 2018 [23 favorites]
I think it's VITALLY important that we spend the next 40 posts debating whether the joke was recognizable as a joke, and who it insulted. And maybe have a Metatalk thread. Because Metafilter.
posted by happyroach at 10:27 AM on April 29, 2018 [23 favorites]
"There's nothing wrong with a bird eating a bird. Any more than a fox eating a rabbit--mammal-on-mammal action. People are always like, "OMG, cannibalism!" but that's just dumb."
In the winter, our goldfish had to live in the dining room because the kitchen was too drafty, and my mom wouldn't let us eat fish all winter because she thought it would be scarring for the goldfish for us to eat salmon where he could see.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:56 AM on April 29, 2018 [44 favorites]
In the winter, our goldfish had to live in the dining room because the kitchen was too drafty, and my mom wouldn't let us eat fish all winter because she thought it would be scarring for the goldfish for us to eat salmon where he could see.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:56 AM on April 29, 2018 [44 favorites]
wow that Bongo sure is impressive. I've never had birds as pets and the idea is weird and a little off-putting to me (come on, they are DINOSAURS) but knowing how incredibly intelligent they can be kinda makes me wonder why they haven't taken over yet...
posted by supermedusa at 10:58 AM on April 29, 2018
posted by supermedusa at 10:58 AM on April 29, 2018
"Parrots, elephants and redwoods
Live a longer life than Man does;
Men, a longer life than dogs do;
Dogs, a longer life than Love does."
posted by clew at 11:12 AM on April 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
Live a longer life than Man does;
Men, a longer life than dogs do;
Dogs, a longer life than Love does."
posted by clew at 11:12 AM on April 29, 2018 [9 favorites]
This reminds me a lot of the big metal chicken.
posted by mudpuppie at 11:12 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by mudpuppie at 11:12 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
> seanmpuckett:
"Don't forget the tin-snips. Parrots are strong, loud, temperamental, needy, feathered infants WITH TIN SNIPS."
Tin snips. Yeah. I was staying with overnight with an aunt because my SAT site was better than an hour and a half away and there was no way I could be there on time. Her evil parrot decided it was going to make an overture of friendship unexpectedly by landing on my shoulder with no warning (and the damn thing spent all its time flying away from me when I tried to be friendly previously). So, she and I are talking, and I gestured with my hands and the idiot decided to bite me on the side of my neck. I'm saying saying unhappy pain things, and she tells me to swat it. I decided to do so but not too hard (because I am thinking of hollow bones and such) and it clamps down harder.
I swat even hard and the evil deathbird finally lets go (and I swear to this day it flew away sideways for a bit). And left me alone from there after.
And THAT is how I went to my SAT with a sore neck, looking like I had been attacked by the world's smallest vampire.
posted by Samizdata at 11:19 AM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
"Don't forget the tin-snips. Parrots are strong, loud, temperamental, needy, feathered infants WITH TIN SNIPS."
Tin snips. Yeah. I was staying with overnight with an aunt because my SAT site was better than an hour and a half away and there was no way I could be there on time. Her evil parrot decided it was going to make an overture of friendship unexpectedly by landing on my shoulder with no warning (and the damn thing spent all its time flying away from me when I tried to be friendly previously). So, she and I are talking, and I gestured with my hands and the idiot decided to bite me on the side of my neck. I'm saying saying unhappy pain things, and she tells me to swat it. I decided to do so but not too hard (because I am thinking of hollow bones and such) and it clamps down harder.
I swat even hard and the evil deathbird finally lets go (and I swear to this day it flew away sideways for a bit). And left me alone from there after.
And THAT is how I went to my SAT with a sore neck, looking like I had been attacked by the world's smallest vampire.
posted by Samizdata at 11:19 AM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
Also, Hatebeak, the death metal/grindcore metal band with a parrot lead vocalist. Did you not notice the words "hate" and "death metal"?
posted by Samizdata at 11:22 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Samizdata at 11:22 AM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
I think the off putting thing here is that, because the entire thread is wrapped in layers of Twitter sass and every emotion is required to be keyed to a reaction gif, the author seems like an unreliable narrator of their own mini memoir.
posted by Going To Maine at 11:28 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Going To Maine at 11:28 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Metafilter: Because Metafilter.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:56 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:56 AM on April 29, 2018 [5 favorites]
Eyebrows McGee, during the rest of the year, how did your mother square preparing fish in the kitchen in front of the goldfish?
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:00 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Iris Gambol at 12:00 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
I think it's VITALLY important that we spend the next 40 posts debating whether the joke was recognizable as a joke, and who it insulted. And maybe have a Metatalk thread. Because Metafilter.
FLAGGED! ;-)
posted by leotrotsky at 12:01 PM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
FLAGGED! ;-)
posted by leotrotsky at 12:01 PM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
Eyebrows McGee, during the rest of the year, how did your mother square preparing fish in the kitchen in front of the goldfish?
Pour encourager les autres.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:02 PM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
Pour encourager les autres.
posted by leotrotsky at 12:02 PM on April 29, 2018 [10 favorites]
Sounds a lot like my mom, who drove, by herself, from Newmarket, Ontario, to Sussex, New Brunswick... with 3 dogs, 4 cats, and 18 birds in a car.
That was many years ago and some of those animals have passed on.
I spoke with her last week and there was a cacophony of bird noises around her.
"How many birds you have now?"
"I'm not sure."
"What do you mean?"
"They're too hard to count."
?!
"Because they move around before you're done."
"So, more than five."
Haha. "Oh, yes!"
"More than 10?"
"Mmhmm."
"More than 50?"
"Probably."
"More than 75?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"More than 100?"
"No, that would be crazy."
posted by dobbs at 12:36 PM on April 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
That was many years ago and some of those animals have passed on.
I spoke with her last week and there was a cacophony of bird noises around her.
"How many birds you have now?"
"I'm not sure."
"What do you mean?"
"They're too hard to count."
?!
"Because they move around before you're done."
"So, more than five."
Haha. "Oh, yes!"
"More than 10?"
"Mmhmm."
"More than 50?"
"Probably."
"More than 75?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"More than 100?"
"No, that would be crazy."
posted by dobbs at 12:36 PM on April 29, 2018 [26 favorites]
I suspect that my mother-in-law is going to attempt to bring in a secret cat soon. (She wants a cat. My father-in-law "hates" cats. Except that he doesn't object when cats curl up on his lap for snuggles...)
posted by sarcasticah at 12:46 PM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by sarcasticah at 12:46 PM on April 29, 2018 [2 favorites]
This is my life.
We grew up next to a pet shop and and an ever revolving menagerie of animals (we moved across country in car containing: 2 adults, 2 children, 1 dog, 1 hamster, 1 gerbil, 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit with a broken leg in plaster, 2 goldfish and a jar of stick insects).
I thought it was us children, I thought our parents gave in to our constant pestering, I took their warnings seriously when they said we wanted these animals and so we should be responsible for their welfare.
Then, after I had left home, my mum called in to the local animal shelter to buy some bird food and came home with a rabbit with a 'headache' she saw. No pestering children nearby.
Mind blown. It wasn't us, it was mum all along, we were just pawns in her game.
(Rabbit had bad teeth and a sinus infection, so she wasn't wrong, he did have a headache).
I don't think I've been scarred too much by this blatent emotional manipulation. Too much. There is a constant hole in my life because I don't have the lifestyle to support my own menagerie and have to settle for two cats. But that's normal, right?
posted by Helga-woo at 12:50 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
We grew up next to a pet shop and and an ever revolving menagerie of animals (we moved across country in car containing: 2 adults, 2 children, 1 dog, 1 hamster, 1 gerbil, 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit with a broken leg in plaster, 2 goldfish and a jar of stick insects).
I thought it was us children, I thought our parents gave in to our constant pestering, I took their warnings seriously when they said we wanted these animals and so we should be responsible for their welfare.
Then, after I had left home, my mum called in to the local animal shelter to buy some bird food and came home with a rabbit with a 'headache' she saw. No pestering children nearby.
Mind blown. It wasn't us, it was mum all along, we were just pawns in her game.
(Rabbit had bad teeth and a sinus infection, so she wasn't wrong, he did have a headache).
I don't think I've been scarred too much by this blatent emotional manipulation. Too much. There is a constant hole in my life because I don't have the lifestyle to support my own menagerie and have to settle for two cats. But that's normal, right?
posted by Helga-woo at 12:50 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
I don't know why none of them would let her get chickens?! Chickens are like the goldfish of the yard! They're dumb, don't live all that long, and even provide daily sustenance for the household, at least for a few years (and then you can eat them and no one looks at you like you're a monster). My chickens could give a fuck about my comings and goings, as long as I keep their feeder full and materialize kitchen scraps into their dish on a regular basis. If someone in your family is going full-bore pet-lust-crazy, please by all means stear them towards and not away from chickens. Of all the ill-considered pet acquisitions out there, chickens are probably the least potentially-disastrous. (For your neighbor's sake, get sexed hens. Roosters suck.)
ChickensTM: Better than a parrot and also you can eat them.
posted by soren_lorensen at 1:01 PM on April 29, 2018 [19 favorites]
ChickensTM: Better than a parrot and also you can eat them.
posted by soren_lorensen at 1:01 PM on April 29, 2018 [19 favorites]
Also, Hatebeak yt , the death metal/grindcore metal band with a parrot lead vocalist.
About 30 years ago, there was a pub called The Intrepid Fox right in the middle of London's Soho district - then a pleasantly sleazy area full of sex shops and music venues. The pub was in Wardour Street, not far from the famous Marquee club, and most of the people who used it were denim-and-leather clad metalheads, keen to get a few pints down them before heading off to a gig.
The pub's owners had a parrot, which lived on a long perch over the bar and had learned to love the loud, riff-heavy music always blasting out of the jukebox there. Whenever a particularly fast number came on, the parrot would frantically scuttle back and forth along its perch as fast as it possibly could, cheered on by the watching drinkers. Whether he was distressed by the music or simply enjoying himself, I couldn't say, but it was quite a sight.
Gentrification has now robbed Soho of The Intrepid Fox, along with just about everything else which made it such an enjoyable district to hang around in. I hadn't thought about that parrot for years, but it's nice to hear he found some like-minded bandmates to work with.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:05 PM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
About 30 years ago, there was a pub called The Intrepid Fox right in the middle of London's Soho district - then a pleasantly sleazy area full of sex shops and music venues. The pub was in Wardour Street, not far from the famous Marquee club, and most of the people who used it were denim-and-leather clad metalheads, keen to get a few pints down them before heading off to a gig.
The pub's owners had a parrot, which lived on a long perch over the bar and had learned to love the loud, riff-heavy music always blasting out of the jukebox there. Whenever a particularly fast number came on, the parrot would frantically scuttle back and forth along its perch as fast as it possibly could, cheered on by the watching drinkers. Whether he was distressed by the music or simply enjoying himself, I couldn't say, but it was quite a sight.
Gentrification has now robbed Soho of The Intrepid Fox, along with just about everything else which made it such an enjoyable district to hang around in. I hadn't thought about that parrot for years, but it's nice to hear he found some like-minded bandmates to work with.
posted by Paul Slade at 1:05 PM on April 29, 2018 [3 favorites]
I had chickens as a kid and they were wonderful, and the fox ate them.
posted by mumimor at 1:07 PM on April 29, 2018
posted by mumimor at 1:07 PM on April 29, 2018
I don't know why none of them would let her get chickens?!
For a certain type of person -i.e., me- when you acquire your first chicken you have turned your house into a farm. Really, acquiring any animal that primarily exists to be consumed either entirety or in piecemeal (one egg at a time) causes your house to become a significantly more liminal space than before. Parrots, for their many problems, don’t cause this kind of state change, and so I am confident I and sundry others would fight tooth and nail for the one over the other. I obviously don’t know the author’s family’s state of mind, but that would be my position.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:11 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
For a certain type of person -i.e., me- when you acquire your first chicken you have turned your house into a farm. Really, acquiring any animal that primarily exists to be consumed either entirety or in piecemeal (one egg at a time) causes your house to become a significantly more liminal space than before. Parrots, for their many problems, don’t cause this kind of state change, and so I am confident I and sundry others would fight tooth and nail for the one over the other. I obviously don’t know the author’s family’s state of mind, but that would be my position.
posted by Going To Maine at 1:11 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
"during the rest of the year, how did your mother square preparing fish in the kitchen in front of the goldfish?"
She obviously used the other counter so he couldn't see what she was doing!
(Lest you think I'm kidding, I hasten to assure you, I'm not kidding.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:00 PM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
She obviously used the other counter so he couldn't see what she was doing!
(Lest you think I'm kidding, I hasten to assure you, I'm not kidding.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:00 PM on April 29, 2018 [21 favorites]
Until I was about ten, we had no pets other than a goldfish because of my father's allergies (legitimate, not a convenient fiction). Then we acquired new neighbors with an adult cat and a kitten*, Sylvester, both of whom wandered around outside. Sylvester and cat did not get on. One day, the kitten came over the wall while we were outside playing. The following occurred:
MOM: OK, time for you to go home! [puts kitten on the wall]
SYL: BUT YOU ARE MY PEOPLE [jumps back down]
After several days of this, including our new friend wailing outside our doors at night, my mother gave in and asked the neighbors if we could adopt him. They said sure, they were planning to get rid of him anyway (eep). One problem: my father. Fortunately, my mother had a handy solution:
[DAD is napping.]
MOM: Dear, we've adopted Sylvester from next door.
DAD [still half-asleep]: Mrrhghhm OK.
Once fully conscious, my father conceded the inevitable.
*--We thought he was about six months old; he was half that. (Vet: "This is gonna be a biiiig cat.")
posted by thomas j wise at 2:17 PM on April 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
MOM: OK, time for you to go home! [puts kitten on the wall]
SYL: BUT YOU ARE MY PEOPLE [jumps back down]
After several days of this, including our new friend wailing outside our doors at night, my mother gave in and asked the neighbors if we could adopt him. They said sure, they were planning to get rid of him anyway (eep). One problem: my father. Fortunately, my mother had a handy solution:
[DAD is napping.]
MOM: Dear, we've adopted Sylvester from next door.
DAD [still half-asleep]: Mrrhghhm OK.
Once fully conscious, my father conceded the inevitable.
*--We thought he was about six months old; he was half that. (Vet: "This is gonna be a biiiig cat.")
posted by thomas j wise at 2:17 PM on April 29, 2018 [8 favorites]
I look forward to the day when I'm older, slightly insane, and I can have a call like this with my daughter with a straight face and full sincerity.
posted by MrGuilt at 3:32 PM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by MrGuilt at 3:32 PM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
I am so very glad that I'm not the only total wet blanket on Metafilter. Parrots are hard. Lovebirds may have a few advantages over them (I definitely read a comment on here to the effect that getting a parrot seemed rather like getting married), but they're not really Easy Bird mode either, you know?
(I am also a member of the chorus that does not understand why she couldn't just get chickens. Chickens are AWESOME. I house-sat for some friends with a small flock and may I say they had more personality than many people I know. And were more likable. And eggs! So many eggs! At every meal! And learning to make custard pies!)
posted by kalimac at 4:06 PM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
(I am also a member of the chorus that does not understand why she couldn't just get chickens. Chickens are AWESOME. I house-sat for some friends with a small flock and may I say they had more personality than many people I know. And were more likable. And eggs! So many eggs! At every meal! And learning to make custard pies!)
posted by kalimac at 4:06 PM on April 29, 2018 [4 favorites]
Lovebirds can be little shits. We got one (for 24 hours, returned when the shop opened the next day), brought it home and let it out on the floor as it couldn't fly thanks to clipped feathers. We were briefly delighted when it ran to us, but it came to bite not to love.
The lovebird was exchanged for a conure, which was very sweet, though very loud, and it adopted my three year old granddaughter. It was very protective of her. A high Tibetan lama came to lunch and when he tickled said granddaughter the bird attacked, ripping his ear spilling much blood on his robes.
posted by anadem at 5:40 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
The lovebird was exchanged for a conure, which was very sweet, though very loud, and it adopted my three year old granddaughter. It was very protective of her. A high Tibetan lama came to lunch and when he tickled said granddaughter the bird attacked, ripping his ear spilling much blood on his robes.
posted by anadem at 5:40 PM on April 29, 2018 [6 favorites]
1. That is what a manic episode looks like.
2. Oh, jesus lord no, not love birds! Anything but love birds!
Seriously, love birds are the absolute fucking worst. Do not get any, ever. If someone you know gets some, cut that person out of your life forever because, like, NO.
When I was a kid, my nextdoor neighbours had a pair of love birds, and we could hear them in their house from our house with all the windows in both houses closed. They are more accurately called “screeching harpies from hell.”
posted by Sys Rq at 6:28 PM on April 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
2. Oh, jesus lord no, not love birds! Anything but love birds!
Seriously, love birds are the absolute fucking worst. Do not get any, ever. If someone you know gets some, cut that person out of your life forever because, like, NO.
When I was a kid, my nextdoor neighbours had a pair of love birds, and we could hear them in their house from our house with all the windows in both houses closed. They are more accurately called “screeching harpies from hell.”
posted by Sys Rq at 6:28 PM on April 29, 2018 [1 favorite]
My children wanted a puppy. My wife went away to Singapore on business and when she came back they had bought a puppy. (I knew about it but had cleverly ensured that I was away on business when she got back). There were some questions, undoubtedly, but the puppy is still with us.
posted by Major Tom at 1:34 AM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Major Tom at 1:34 AM on April 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
A high Tibetan lama came to lunch and when he tickled said granddaughter the bird attacked, ripping his ear spilling much blood on his robes.
How serene was he about this?
posted by Countess Elena at 10:53 AM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
How serene was he about this?
posted by Countess Elena at 10:53 AM on April 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Some municipalities and neighborhoods have zoning ordinances that prohibit keeping chickens in the yard. Or maybe there's some reason they're not allowed to put up a fence that would keep the chickens in. I wouldn't be surprised if the mother wanted to go ahead on and keep chickens in spite of obstacles of this kind, but the family wouldn't agree because they could get in trouble for it.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:43 AM on April 30, 2018
posted by The Underpants Monster at 11:43 AM on April 30, 2018
She just followed up with:
posted by ambrosen at 11:58 AM on April 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Thank you so, so much for all of the kind words everyone ❤️ we love our mum and her spontaneity. Sorry that I can’t reply to everyone! My app is still crashing and I can’t keep up with all of the notifications. Legit cannot believe my mother’s antics have gone viral 😂So all sounds pretty good.
Also just to provide a smidgen of context: my mum grew up in Pakistan tending to chickens, peacocks, goats, rabbits, and a variety of parrots! (Cats and dogs too of course.) She spent most of her time in the chicken coop, and the aviary.
But moving to the UK meant she didn’t have the means (or the time) to have any birds for a while. But now she does! We’re all happy to have our lovebirds, and we’re all on board! :)
posted by ambrosen at 11:58 AM on April 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's all pretty good until the lovebirds get loose in the dead of night and indulge their hitherto-unknown cravings for human flesh.
Or until they start screaming every night at 4 AM, which is arguably worse.
posted by delfin at 1:25 PM on April 30, 2018
Or until they start screaming every night at 4 AM, which is arguably worse.
posted by delfin at 1:25 PM on April 30, 2018
How serene was he about this?
He thought it was very funny and laughed (while mopping blood)
posted by anadem at 5:00 PM on April 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
He thought it was very funny and laughed (while mopping blood)
posted by anadem at 5:00 PM on April 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
My now-husband's family had a pet bird, Merlin. First time I went to his mom's house, I said "Hi Merlin!" and he said "Fuck you!" He also had the microwave ding perfected and would deploy it every time the microwave was used.
I found this story funny, but of course everyone's marriage is different. Some people, this would be abusive and terrible. Other people just know exactly where the lines are so they're not really crossing them.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:31 PM on May 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
I found this story funny, but of course everyone's marriage is different. Some people, this would be abusive and terrible. Other people just know exactly where the lines are so they're not really crossing them.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 1:31 PM on May 1, 2018 [1 favorite]
"For a certain type of person -i.e., me- when you acquire your first chicken you have turned your house into a farm."
I get what you mean, but like, a farm generally also contains a house/home. Or, they did before farming tuned into the monster it is today.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:40 PM on May 1, 2018
I get what you mean, but like, a farm generally also contains a house/home. Or, they did before farming tuned into the monster it is today.
posted by GoblinHoney at 2:40 PM on May 1, 2018
My crazy ex (oh, yeah, like 15+ rats, doves, 4 dogs and 3 cats, plus a parrot, so evidence-based craziness) had a parrot that would impersonate the phone ringing, and half a typical conversation she would have on the phone "Hello. Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Love you!"
posted by Samizdata at 8:51 PM on May 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Samizdata at 8:51 PM on May 4, 2018 [1 favorite]
Oh, yeah, my mother's oldest brother, Uncle Boy, named Frederick after my maternal grandfather father but always Boy -- I also had an aunt Sister in that family -- lived in the same 16 room farmhouse as my grandparents all his life.
And he kept a raccoon in an outdoors wire mesh cage for awhile, all this before my time. And that raccoon would save some of his food scraps and drop them under his cage and wait for the very free rsnge chickens in the yard.
And then reach down and strangle them for
raccoon shits and giggles. And the survivors never learned. Which lead to that raccoon's demise.
posted by y2karl at 3:56 AM on May 5, 2018
And he kept a raccoon in an outdoors wire mesh cage for awhile, all this before my time. And that raccoon would save some of his food scraps and drop them under his cage and wait for the very free rsnge chickens in the yard.
And then reach down and strangle them for
raccoon shits and giggles. And the survivors never learned. Which lead to that raccoon's demise.
posted by y2karl at 3:56 AM on May 5, 2018
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Bird lady gets it.
posted by phunniemee at 5:24 AM on April 29, 2018 [14 favorites]