Congratulations, you just declared the dominant position in bed!

September 12, 2018 9:27 PM

During the first phase of most romantic relationships, we try to look as desirable as possible, even if that means ignoring some of our bodily urges. Like, letting out a fart, for example. Sooner or later, however, most couples realize that there’s no need to blow against the wind and deny their biology, sharing their first fart.

Also from Messy Cow:

If you don’t think the butt dance is the funniest thing, I don’t know what you are thinking.

posted by Johnny Wallflower (26 comments total)

Shouldn’t this post been before the poop post, or is this just nature taking its course? Asking for a friend.
posted by datawrangler at 9:37 PM on September 12, 2018 [5 favorites]

there’s no need to blow against the wind

Har.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:47 PM on September 12, 2018

Bwahahahaha!
posted by KleenexMakesaVeryGoodHat at 10:40 PM on September 12, 2018

90% of the reason I like having separate bedrooms is so I can fart at will without ruining The Magic of my long-term relationship! It’s like an extreme version of #1.

Okay, actually mostly it’s because my ladyfriend and I have opposite and passionate ideas about how hard a mattress should be and we both like to starfish in bed, but every time I fart in bed I feel grateful to have the room to myself.

I just can’t bring myself to fart in front of another person, yay being socialized as a female! But also, as a super sensitive person, I don’t want to smell bodily odor from other people so feel extra bad about inflicting it on someone else.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 10:54 PM on September 12, 2018 [10 favorites]

What works for us is loudly blaming the other person in as offended a tone as possible. Reinforced by occasionally yelling across the house that you are offended by the very idea that they could fart.
posted by Uncle at 12:00 AM on September 13, 2018 [10 favorites]

Get a dog to appreciate the difference between then and now...

Actually it's a terrible idea. Get a dog to appreciate the dog. Unconditionally. And to have someone to blame the farts on.
posted by hat_eater at 12:25 AM on September 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

I don't remember how we first encountered each other's farts, but I do know what has happened since then. Whenever one of us farts the other one always says one of these: "You're awesome" or "You're cute!" or "You're beautiful" or "You're glorious" or "You're terrific!" or for a really good one: "You're maaaaaarvelous." Which is actually a transition from what we used to do, I'm not sure when it occurred, because for the longest time when I farted in front of him, well, anybody, well, even by myself, I would say, "Memento mori!" or "Sic transit gloria mundi!" or "Sic temper tyrannis!" and then he started saying similar things and it turned into some kind of super competitive Latin saying farting challenge, which might not be the healthiest thing to do in a relationship. At some point we either became aware of that, or, more likely, both became mentally fatigued from both finding and remembering increasingly obscure yet relevant Latin phrases at the moment of fart and started just saying, "You're awesome!" in reply and it evolved from there.

And I look forward to what the next ten years of marriage will bring in terms of the evolution of our responses to each other's farts.
posted by barchan at 12:34 AM on September 13, 2018 [32 favorites]

I don't know anything about cows or farting, but I've noted that in our 8 years of marriage our home has seen an uptick in the invisible duck population.
posted by like_neon at 3:46 AM on September 13, 2018 [4 favorites]

Have told this story before, am telling it again -

One of my exes was plagued with IBS; we were still in the hiding-farts stage, but one snuck out on him when we were cuddled up together. He apologized - then a second later, reached over and gently pinched my nose shut.

Dude turned out to be a serious jerk, but that was kinda cute.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:45 AM on September 13, 2018 [8 favorites]

My wife of 32 years and I had been together for about a month when one evening, after a dinner of Italian subs loaded with peppers and onions, we both started farting furiously and laughing uproariously. I think it was then that we realized we belonged together. We've been Loud and Proud ever since. Even the cat farts with reckless abandon.
posted by briank at 5:21 AM on September 13, 2018 [9 favorites]

Metafilter: some kind of super competitive Latin saying farting challenge

Edit: wow this was my 666th comment to the blue
posted by sunset in snow country at 7:26 AM on September 13, 2018 [12 favorites]

MetaFilter: some kind of super competitive Latin saying farting challenge
posted by erniepan at 7:45 AM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

There are dozens of Metafilter fart threads (indicative of our anal inclinations hereabouts?) but here are a few choice previouslies on this subject for your enjoyment:

Most apropos: I just started dating this really awesome girl, and we spend the night together often, and I want to know how long I have to wait before I can fart in bed. (2003)

Audible flatulence etiquette (2005)

Fartiquette (2017)

Is silent farting a skill everyone can pick up? (2017)
posted by beagle at 8:00 AM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

our anal inclinations hereabouts?

Having digested multiple decades of observation of humanity, I can pretty confidently say that it's by no means limited to "hereabouts" - and I'm not just talkin' out my ass!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:11 AM on September 13, 2018 [1 favorite]

My boyfriend and I must verbally acknowledge every fart, typically with good-natured taunting like 'you faarrrrted', but I think I prefer when I get a 'pretty lady' after a fart or burp and when I give him a 'what a catch!' for the same offenses.

Sometimes we also exchange an 'I love you so much' just for extra points.
posted by nogoodverybad at 8:28 AM on September 13, 2018 [7 favorites]

There are dozens of Metafilter fart threads (indicative of our anal inclinations hereabouts?) but here are a few choice previouslies on this subject for your enjoyment:

Most apropos: I just started dating this really awesome girl, and we spend the night together often, and I want to know how long I have to wait before I can fart in bed. (2003)

Just here to say that i frickin LOVE that the dude in that question came back to report that it finally happened in the wee hours of new years eve. . . .six weeks after they started dating.
posted by Exceptional_Hubris at 8:41 AM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

My wife swears that before we were even dating I trolled my sister by farting while we were sitting next to each other in a restaurant booth and she was sitting across the table from us. Which, y'know, *sounds* like something I'd do...but on the other hand I was trying to convince her to date me, and that wouldn't have fit in very well with my overall strategic plan.
posted by The Card Cheat at 10:52 AM on September 13, 2018

I nearly didn't meet my wife because I was trying to be polite about a fart. We had struck up a conversation and I had to make a lame excuse to go to the other side of the sculpture gallery bookshop and do the Farting in a somewhat more solitary (or at least distant) manner. I was not gifted in making my actions appear to be a Thing of Romance and Gentlemanly Conduct or whatevs, and I returned to my post to find that she had not-unreasonably toddled off, thinking that I had unsubtly given her the brush-off. This was far from the case and I sought her out (farting at will meantime) elsewhere in the gallery. I found her again, praise be to Richard Serra, locked things-internal down to the best of my ability for a while, and spent an amusing afternoon with her taking the piss out of modern sculpture.

It all seems fairly inconceivable now, not least because I've cut the carbs and curbed the monster, but also because the song of the caecum was pretty much Our Tune for a while.
posted by aesop at 11:39 AM on September 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

"The Song of the Caecum" is the title of my new operetta.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 11:56 AM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

MetaFilter: Even the cat farts with reckless abandon.
posted by BlueHorse at 4:03 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've been looking for an excuse to share this Boulet cartoon for a couple weeks. His site is kind of interesting. I was reading backwards through the archives, and suddenly they're all in French. I am quite impressed at someone that can be a funny cartoonist in two languages (though maybe the French ones aren't funny at all ... I don't read it).
posted by Gilgamesh's Chauffeur at 6:22 PM on September 13, 2018 [2 favorites]

I was once traveling with a friend, and witnessed her calling her partner at bedtime. “Good night, my love,” she closed tenderly, before holding the phone to her butt, farting, and hanging up. “Do you do that every time you’re away from each other?” I asked, somewhat taken aback. “Only when I can time things properly,” she replied.
posted by kinnakeet at 7:10 PM on September 13, 2018 [6 favorites]

this Boulet cartoon

He's French, so presumably he's at least as funny in French as he is in English!
posted by Greg_Ace at 8:04 PM on September 13, 2018

My wife has never once farted. Not even a mysterious smell that manifested silently in 24 years. I’m not really sure she poops either. It is possible she has attained 100% digestive efficiency.

I didn’t fart for the first 15 years and then Baby was born. I figured he wasn’t talking and kind of just farted with abandon around him without a second thought. But fart habits are hard to break and when I was still creating noxious clouds around him at the age of four, it amazed and delighted him so much he naturally spread the news of my super power to my wife.

To this day, she still receives regular status reports from both kids and to this day I vigorously deny each accusation with varying degrees of indignation.

I believe I am teaching my children that 1. Adults lie , 2. It is appropriate to maintain a certain polite decorum around some relationships and my relationship with them is not one of those, 3. The only thing funnier than a fart is the adamant denial of the fart when everyone knows you did it and 4. He who smelt it dealt it.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:19 PM on September 13, 2018 [3 favorites]

“Fart Out Loud Day” is a funkalicious body-positivity anthem that gives everyone permission to let it out.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 2:53 PM on September 19, 2018

Related post (Weapon 6): How a 2-year-old can hurt you
posted by homunculus at 12:17 PM on October 10, 2018 [1 favorite]