Food, glorious food
September 18, 2018 11:45 PM Subscribe
25 Restaurants That Seriously Need To Chill TF Out
22 Crimes Against Food Serving Committed By Restaurants SOME OVERLAP DON'T @ ME
25+ People Who Never Figured Out How Food Works
20+ Memes For People Whose Religion is ‘Food’
21 Of The Laziest Things People Have Ever Done To Food LAST THREE ARE NOT LAZY FOR SOME FOLKS
22 Crimes Against Food Serving Committed By Restaurants SOME OVERLAP DON'T @ ME
25+ People Who Never Figured Out How Food Works
20+ Memes For People Whose Religion is ‘Food’
21 Of The Laziest Things People Have Ever Done To Food LAST THREE ARE NOT LAZY FOR SOME FOLKS
Can I add one to the laziest things people have ever done to food? The true crime was that it was a restaurant (in a not cheap hotel).
Chips and cheese. But the cheese, while grated, was not melted. The 'meal' was served cold. When confronted the server said 'this is the way we serve it'. When pressed 'no, we can't heat that up for you.' I was wordless (to the waiter, to everyone else that would ever listen, including you dear reader, I was outraged and stunned).
posted by el io at 1:34 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
Chips and cheese. But the cheese, while grated, was not melted. The 'meal' was served cold. When confronted the server said 'this is the way we serve it'. When pressed 'no, we can't heat that up for you.' I was wordless (to the waiter, to everyone else that would ever listen, including you dear reader, I was outraged and stunned).
posted by el io at 1:34 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
I particularly liked the beignet rendering of the Evolution of The Arm in the first link.
posted by each day we work at 1:49 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by each day we work at 1:49 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Ok, I'm sorry (but you have to be nice to me because this is day 3 in hospital, and I only got to eat on the 2nd day) but in my laziness and hunger (no, not now) i cooked a steak in the microwave. I don't recommend it. #2. North queenslanders know the best way to eat mangos is from a string bag (so they don't escape) while hanging out in the ocean (because sticky juice). Just don't do it during stinger season.
posted by b33j at 1:59 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by b33j at 1:59 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
Pre-cut plastic wrapped avocado halves drive me crazy. It already comes in a wrapper, you monsters. And it's as soft as butter, who can't cut butter?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:31 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:31 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Pre-cut plastic wrapped avocado halves drive me crazy. It already comes in a wrapper, you monsters. And it's as soft as butter, who can't cut butter?
How many people end up in the hospital with knives through their hands through avocado accidents yearly?
posted by dilaudid at 2:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
How many people end up in the hospital with knives through their hands through avocado accidents yearly?
posted by dilaudid at 2:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [11 favorites]
Are we just going to ban all sharp edges, then? How many people and animals die yearly as a side effect of plastics manufacturing? How many people are injured by industrial slicers?
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:46 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Anticipation Of A New Lover's Arrival, The at 2:46 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I thought the cutting-board-as-plates people were wrong and should be stopped, but that's before I was made aware that there are pantyliners-as-plates people. What. Why. STOP.
posted by sldownard at 3:08 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by sldownard at 3:08 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
>>cutting-board-as-plates
Worse than that is plate-as-cutting-board = nails on chalkboard.
posted by b33j at 3:13 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Worse than that is plate-as-cutting-board = nails on chalkboard.
posted by b33j at 3:13 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I once ordered "potato skins" in a down-market hotel in a down-market British seaside resort. Everyone knows what potato skins are, right? Apparently not, what I got was a bowl of deep-fried potato peelings. I guess someone in the kitchen had read about "potato skins" being a thing and thought it was a handy way to serve up what would normally go in the bin.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:15 AM on September 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:15 AM on September 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
Pre-cut plastic wrapped avocado halves drive me crazy. It already comes in a wrapper, you monsters. And it's as soft as butter, who can't cut butter?
...
Are we just going to ban all sharp edges, then?
Try buying a regular avocado and peeling and stoning it with one hand. Things like pre-peeled/pre-chopped/pre-prepared fruit and veg are invaluable for people with disabilities that make apparently simple tasks much harder.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:19 AM on September 19, 2018 [31 favorites]
...
Are we just going to ban all sharp edges, then?
Try buying a regular avocado and peeling and stoning it with one hand. Things like pre-peeled/pre-chopped/pre-prepared fruit and veg are invaluable for people with disabilities that make apparently simple tasks much harder.
posted by EndsOfInvention at 3:19 AM on September 19, 2018 [31 favorites]
Laziest? A girl invited me home, and gave me a burger that she "cooked" in the microwave. Still basically raw, but kind of warm.
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:37 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Kirth Gerson at 3:37 AM on September 19, 2018
Eating a kiwi skin-and-all is not wrong. If you split the the fruit in half and scoop out the meat you miss a lot of it, and if you peel the skin off your hands get all sticky. I don't always eat the kiwi skins, but they're pretty inoffensive.
posted by hopeless romantique at 3:38 AM on September 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
posted by hopeless romantique at 3:38 AM on September 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
I have a bit of social anxiety around restaurant interactions, which usually just results in overtipping and assumption of good faith.
But most of the plating things in the first link would make me actually leave and forget to try to be nice about it.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:51 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
But most of the plating things in the first link would make me actually leave and forget to try to be nice about it.
posted by aspersioncast at 3:51 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Kiwi skins are great. The fruit is sickeningly sweet when ripe and peeled, and only the seeds give it any texture beyond jello. The skin however is tart and sharp and the opposite of the fruit. I have never understood people who don’t eat kiwis whole (perhaps modulo the stemmy bit).
posted by apathy at 3:52 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by apathy at 3:52 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Also the beignet tree is a good way to avoid them steaming and collapsing each other. A few of these items make sense.
posted by apathy at 3:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by apathy at 3:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Yep, put me down as a skin and all kiwi eater. Cleanest, best way to get everything out if a kiwi.
posted by dazed_one at 4:16 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by dazed_one at 4:16 AM on September 19, 2018
Honestly, I'm on board for that chicken leg.
posted by escape from the potato planet at 4:21 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by escape from the potato planet at 4:21 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Okay, waitasec, bacon in the microwave is great. I'm not sure what happened in that pic, but microwaving is a great way to make small amounts of bacon quickly. It's the second-best way to make bacon! (the best is by baking it. frying is a distant third.)
posted by rmd1023 at 4:24 AM on September 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by rmd1023 at 4:24 AM on September 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
The food filled "cocktails" in the "22 Crimes" link remind me of a movie that my friends and I made in high school. One plot point hinged on the heroine's ex's favorite drink being the Shower-Curtain-Ring-Chain-Pearl-Conch-Shell-Birthday-Candle-Tiger-Lily-Clown Martini.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:27 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:27 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Honestly, chicken wings in a shoe box doesn't offend me at all. Just as long as the box is clean and IT IS ENTIRELY FILLED WITH CHICKEN WINGS! GIVE THEM TO ME NOW!
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 4:29 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by AlonzoMosleyFBI at 4:29 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Sometimes there are no clean bowls, so you have no choice but to eat your cereal out of a hat.Seriously. That's what the good Lord gave us gravy boats for.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:31 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I've bought a small container of pre-diced celery and carrots, but it's because I knew I wouldn't eat a whole head of celery or bag of carrots before they went bad.
One of my fondest restaurant memories is of ordering the "Holy Rings of Betazed" at Quark's Bar in the old Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton. I knew they were onion rings, but I didn't know they'd be served stacked on a vertical spike, with the biggest one at the bottom and smallest one on top. I wish I could find the picture of me sitting behind it with this look of stupid joy on my face.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
One of my fondest restaurant memories is of ordering the "Holy Rings of Betazed" at Quark's Bar in the old Star Trek Experience at the Las Vegas Hilton. I knew they were onion rings, but I didn't know they'd be served stacked on a vertical spike, with the biggest one at the bottom and smallest one on top. I wish I could find the picture of me sitting behind it with this look of stupid joy on my face.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 4:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
Yep, put me down as a skin and all kiwi eater. Cleanest, best way to get everything out if a kiwi.
If we're done with kiwis, I might as well ask: peeling figs - yes or no?
posted by each day we work at 5:00 AM on September 19, 2018
If we're done with kiwis, I might as well ask: peeling figs - yes or no?
posted by each day we work at 5:00 AM on September 19, 2018
Don't peel figs, but do cut them in half and examine their ripeness and amount of yummy insides to boring white outsides and scoop out the good stuff if not in a high enough proportion to white stuff.
Prepped and packaged produce has its place. I'd feel weird about the avocados though because I can't stand it when they go all brown and yucky, except I once nearly died watching a friend try to halve and pit an avocado. I had to bite down a scream and very calmly demand the knife and avocado from her. First off she tried to cut it horizontally, while holding it cupped in her palm with her thumb like, providing resistance for the knife?? And then she tried to prod the pit out with the tip of the knife but it was more than half covered by avocado flesh so there was digging involved and oh my god, horror show. And this is an able-bodied woman with heaps of cleverness and common sense in all other things. I would trust her with taxes and toddlers, but an avocado? Hell no. I expect most physically disabled people have put a lot more thought into it than her, but they shouldn't have to put the effort in. They still deserve creamy green goodness, just like my poor idiot friend.
posted by Mizu at 5:16 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
Prepped and packaged produce has its place. I'd feel weird about the avocados though because I can't stand it when they go all brown and yucky, except I once nearly died watching a friend try to halve and pit an avocado. I had to bite down a scream and very calmly demand the knife and avocado from her. First off she tried to cut it horizontally, while holding it cupped in her palm with her thumb like, providing resistance for the knife?? And then she tried to prod the pit out with the tip of the knife but it was more than half covered by avocado flesh so there was digging involved and oh my god, horror show. And this is an able-bodied woman with heaps of cleverness and common sense in all other things. I would trust her with taxes and toddlers, but an avocado? Hell no. I expect most physically disabled people have put a lot more thought into it than her, but they shouldn't have to put the effort in. They still deserve creamy green goodness, just like my poor idiot friend.
posted by Mizu at 5:16 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
And then she tried to prod the pit out with the tip of the knife...
I blame cooking shows for this! I saw someone do it on "Chopped" or something, and thought, Oh, is that how the clever people do it? I lived to tell the tale with all digits mostly intact, but it was a Very Close Thing. No more smartypants knife and avocado pit action for me!
posted by taz at 5:22 AM on September 19, 2018
I blame cooking shows for this! I saw someone do it on "Chopped" or something, and thought, Oh, is that how the clever people do it? I lived to tell the tale with all digits mostly intact, but it was a Very Close Thing. No more smartypants knife and avocado pit action for me!
posted by taz at 5:22 AM on September 19, 2018
What, no link to We Want Plates?
posted by agregoli at 5:27 AM on September 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
posted by agregoli at 5:27 AM on September 19, 2018 [13 favorites]
I love how many of those “plating” techniques absolutely guarantee that the food will be ice cold by the time it reaches you. Ugh. If you want to be creative, do it with the recipe; if you want to make abstract sculpture, don’t do it with my dinner.
posted by caution live frogs at 5:32 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by caution live frogs at 5:32 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
The drinks in bags must be a nod to tepache, which is sold by street vendors in exactly that same way.
Works great if you need something cold to quickly drink and then dispose of the container, less so if you try to set it down on a table.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Works great if you need something cold to quickly drink and then dispose of the container, less so if you try to set it down on a table.
posted by backseatpilot at 5:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ok the meat dress Barbie dolls were actually pretty amazing.
posted by sixswitch at 5:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by sixswitch at 5:39 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
At the seaside, the kids menu fish and chips came in a bucket and spade, which was then yours to keep. Which I thought was a fun little idea, but my kid was so horrified by the idea that he wouldn't eat at all until the waitress obliged us with a normal plate.
posted by threetwentytwo at 6:04 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by threetwentytwo at 6:04 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
The cereal in a wine glass made me wince. I tried using sundae glasses for breakfast once, with granola, dollops of Greek yoghurt and fresh berries on top. I thought it was cute, but my family are very British and will brook no frivolity over breakfast.
posted by Eleven at 6:05 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by Eleven at 6:05 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
Oh also, I've seen the bologna "cake" before, via the lovely and more than slightly kooky emmymadeinjapan. Behold, in all of its cheez-wizzed glory.
posted by Mizu at 6:11 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Mizu at 6:11 AM on September 19, 2018
I knew that the shovel food would show up. I think that I've seen the ridiculously overloaded bloody mary before, and took it as a satire of places that (unironically) use cheeseburgers for garnishes and similar silliness.
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:20 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Halloween Jack at 6:20 AM on September 19, 2018
Ok the meat dress Barbie dolls were actually pretty amazing.
I'll try the Barbie carpaccio to start, and I think...yes, I'll have the Excaliburger.
posted by Naberius at 6:26 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
I'll try the Barbie carpaccio to start, and I think...yes, I'll have the Excaliburger.
posted by Naberius at 6:26 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Things like pre-peeled/pre-chopped/pre-prepared fruit and veg are invaluable for people with disabilities that make apparently simple tasks much harder.
yeah, i used to get super snotty about stupid looking kitchen implements that do stuff like scramble the egg in its shell or whatever until i lost the use of half my left hand and realized that all those stupid infomercials of fully abled people being incompetent fools in the kitchen were marketing kitchen tools for disabled people. because apparently showing dumb but abled people is less of a marketing risk than showing actual disabled people using kitchen tools? idk. fully abled people are often angered by being forced to briefly acknowledge the very existence of disabled people.
sometimes the stuff you think is dumb/useless/foolish/wasteful/whatever just isn't actually stuff for you.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:28 AM on September 19, 2018 [41 favorites]
yeah, i used to get super snotty about stupid looking kitchen implements that do stuff like scramble the egg in its shell or whatever until i lost the use of half my left hand and realized that all those stupid infomercials of fully abled people being incompetent fools in the kitchen were marketing kitchen tools for disabled people. because apparently showing dumb but abled people is less of a marketing risk than showing actual disabled people using kitchen tools? idk. fully abled people are often angered by being forced to briefly acknowledge the very existence of disabled people.
sometimes the stuff you think is dumb/useless/foolish/wasteful/whatever just isn't actually stuff for you.
posted by poffin boffin at 6:28 AM on September 19, 2018 [41 favorites]
I wish they would correctly market the stuff for people with disabilities or who are infirm, I.e. show it being used by them. I think friends & family would then be much more likely to buy it on their behalf when they might not otherwise realise.
posted by genuinely curious at 6:35 AM on September 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by genuinely curious at 6:35 AM on September 19, 2018 [7 favorites]
The skyping your food one is legit genius though
posted by lollusc at 6:38 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by lollusc at 6:38 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Some of the lazy foods photos were funny, but others were themselves lazy attempts at humor. I won't repeat what should be the obvious concept of prepared foods being useful to people with disabilities since others have made that point so well; they are also useful to people with limited time, people living alone who aren't cooking for a family of 7, and plenty of other reasons. Excess plastic packaging should be a crime, but offering prepared foods is only to the good.
Eating a mango with your teeth is a great way to do it, but that person didn't seem to know that you just peel the skin back with your teeth, you don't eat it (or maybe they know and they were doing it wrong for the laughs?). I hope that person isn't someone who is allergic to mango skins, getting the allergic reaction in their mouth and throat would not be a pleasant day for them.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 AM on September 19, 2018
Eating a mango with your teeth is a great way to do it, but that person didn't seem to know that you just peel the skin back with your teeth, you don't eat it (or maybe they know and they were doing it wrong for the laughs?). I hope that person isn't someone who is allergic to mango skins, getting the allergic reaction in their mouth and throat would not be a pleasant day for them.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:41 AM on September 19, 2018
Reddit's /r/WeWantPlates is the place to get more of this kind of stuff. Here's a hate-favorite of mine posted recently.
Everyone knows washing up is for losers, but eating off clingfilm? That's what winners do.
That's #14 in the "Laziest" link. Something like that is very common in China, especially with street vendors and the cheapest restaurants. The vendor will put a plastic bag over a plate, tray, or bowl and serve the noodles/soup/barbecue/whatever on top of that. Sometimes, if you're staying in the restaurant, you get to keep the bowl to eat from and when you're done they just discard the plastic and rewrap the plate/bowl. They keep fewer dishes on hand and don't have to worry about washing between customers. Other times, especially with street vendors, the plate/bowl is more for the convenience of the vendor and they'll take it away before giving you the food. It's not uncommon to see people walking around with little plastic bags full of noodles or soup.
Also, in Qingdao, one of the only places in China where I've seen draft beer as the default, you usually buy beer served in a plastic bag, as seen here. When I visited, I wasn't much of a beer drinker, so I never saw how to transfer the beer from the bag to a glass. It was fun watching people walking home at the end of the day dangling a bag of beer picked up at the corner store.
posted by msbrauer at 6:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
Everyone knows washing up is for losers, but eating off clingfilm? That's what winners do.
That's #14 in the "Laziest" link. Something like that is very common in China, especially with street vendors and the cheapest restaurants. The vendor will put a plastic bag over a plate, tray, or bowl and serve the noodles/soup/barbecue/whatever on top of that. Sometimes, if you're staying in the restaurant, you get to keep the bowl to eat from and when you're done they just discard the plastic and rewrap the plate/bowl. They keep fewer dishes on hand and don't have to worry about washing between customers. Other times, especially with street vendors, the plate/bowl is more for the convenience of the vendor and they'll take it away before giving you the food. It's not uncommon to see people walking around with little plastic bags full of noodles or soup.
Also, in Qingdao, one of the only places in China where I've seen draft beer as the default, you usually buy beer served in a plastic bag, as seen here. When I visited, I wasn't much of a beer drinker, so I never saw how to transfer the beer from the bag to a glass. It was fun watching people walking home at the end of the day dangling a bag of beer picked up at the corner store.
posted by msbrauer at 6:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [9 favorites]
The skyping your food one is legit genius though
And it's a nice callback to the world's first webcam.
posted by msbrauer at 6:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
And it's a nice callback to the world's first webcam.
posted by msbrauer at 6:42 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
The first link was a strange mixture of "that's ridiculous" and "I am exactly goth enough to want to serve a single strawberry on a bone/some sort of terrifying leg."
No one told me you could serve food ON bones, this opens up a whole new world.
posted by a hat out of hell at 6:46 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
No one told me you could serve food ON bones, this opens up a whole new world.
posted by a hat out of hell at 6:46 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
The depiction of eating a Jello cup with its foil top is an attack on me personally. I will do this if no one is around to see. And it always makes me realize how terrible the stuff is, how I’m only eating it for portion control and it makes me feel like a child.
posted by Countess Elena at 6:52 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Countess Elena at 6:52 AM on September 19, 2018
Metafilter: very British and will brook no frivolity over breakfast.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:01 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 7:01 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
What, no link to We Want Plates?
The first article actually links to it at the bottom, since it's apparently where they got all their content. The second article probably ripped everything from them too but doesn't seem to acknowledge it.
posted by traveler_ at 7:15 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
The first article actually links to it at the bottom, since it's apparently where they got all their content. The second article probably ripped everything from them too but doesn't seem to acknowledge it.
posted by traveler_ at 7:15 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
I've had a cocktail in a plastic bag in one of my favorite cocktail bars in Chicago. It had a ribbon tied around it to keep it closed and a birch bark-looking paper straw. Was it twee as fuck? Yes. Was it delicious and perfectly functional? Also yes.
posted by misskaz at 7:19 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by misskaz at 7:19 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Ok the meat dress Barbie dolls were actually pretty amazing.
All they needed was a hot pot with some miniature decking installed around it so it looks like a little jacuzzi.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:21 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
All they needed was a hot pot with some miniature decking installed around it so it looks like a little jacuzzi.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 7:21 AM on September 19, 2018 [6 favorites]
food served in nonstandard "dishes" will always disgust me because i know exactly how much time is spent in kitchens cleaning things that can't go through the hobart. (none, it's none.)
posted by poffin boffin at 7:30 AM on September 19, 2018 [20 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 7:30 AM on September 19, 2018 [20 favorites]
See also: Boys Who Can Cook, which is mostly a meme page, but also has a lot of overlap with the content in the links here.
posted by tobascodagama at 7:35 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by tobascodagama at 7:35 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
My sister used to work at a Famous Dave's, where they serve your food in a trash can lid.
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:36 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Elly Vortex at 7:36 AM on September 19, 2018
agregoli: "What, no link to We Want Plates?"
We did that a few months ago.
posted by octothorpe at 7:49 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
We did that a few months ago.
posted by octothorpe at 7:49 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I don't always eat the kiwi skins, but they're pretty inoffensive.
They’re so fuzzy though
posted by 41swans at 7:55 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
They’re so fuzzy though
posted by 41swans at 7:55 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
msbrauer: "And it's a nice callback to the world's first webcam."
Which was kind of just an extension of the idea of the Internet Coke machine.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:11 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Which was kind of just an extension of the idea of the Internet Coke machine.
posted by Chrysostom at 8:11 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
It's the second-best way to make bacon! (the best is by baking it. frying is a distant third.)
Oven bacon is the best way to make a lot of bacon. Frying is the best way to make bacon. Microwave is a distant 3rd because then your microwave smells like bacon and is harder to clean than a pan.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:32 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Oven bacon is the best way to make a lot of bacon. Frying is the best way to make bacon. Microwave is a distant 3rd because then your microwave smells like bacon and is harder to clean than a pan.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:32 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have to call fake on #6 in the first link, which looks like it was snapped in somebody's apartment, and #20 with all of the food hanging off a bloody mary, which is soooo impractical that it has to be a bartender or server's idea of a joke.
posted by SteveInMaine at 8:44 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by SteveInMaine at 8:44 AM on September 19, 2018
We got this Bloody Caesar in Montreal. Toppings include sliders, chicken wings, eggrolls, quesadillas, onion rings, grilled cheese, jalapeno poppers, mac and cheese balls, fried pickles, and samosas.
posted by mikesch at 8:49 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by mikesch at 8:49 AM on September 19, 2018
That "lunch 11:35 - The Bible verse that always keeps me going" is a pretty good Dad joke.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:51 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:51 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
food served in nonstandard "dishes" will always disgust me because i know exactly how much time is spent in kitchens cleaning things that can't go through the hobart. (none, it's none.)
Yeah, I got to the snowboard and realized that there was absolutely no way anyone had ever cleaned that to any standard of food safety and never would, and there is no food so delicious that I would enjoy eating it off of a surface that combines old, rotting food, random people's feet, and whatever outside grime a snowboard naturally accumulates during its useful lifetime.
posted by Copronymus at 8:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Yeah, I got to the snowboard and realized that there was absolutely no way anyone had ever cleaned that to any standard of food safety and never would, and there is no food so delicious that I would enjoy eating it off of a surface that combines old, rotting food, random people's feet, and whatever outside grime a snowboard naturally accumulates during its useful lifetime.
posted by Copronymus at 8:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
it's all hurriedly wiped down by the overworked and underpaid busboy for that section who is using the same rag he used to wipe down all his tables. the bare tables themselves are actually likely to be cleaner.
posted by poffin boffin at 8:58 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 8:58 AM on September 19, 2018 [5 favorites]
WAIT HOLD UP WHAT PICKLE POPSICLES? PICKLESICKLES? PICKSICLES!? THERE'S A NOBEL PRIZE FOR CULINARY ARTS RIGHT BECAUSE THAT'S ALL WIN.
Ok, so, I've eaten milk and cold cereal out of a plastic bag and while lazy it actually isn't that weird and is a great camping trick. You can also do this thing where the milk is in one corner of the bag and the dry-ish cereal is in the other and you can modulate your crunch/soggy cereal eating ratios.
The first time I ever tried it it was like "So, it's come to this." but no it's actually kind of genius.
Granted, I just put instant hot cocoa powder in grits because I'm out of milk. It's actually really good.
posted by loquacious at 9:11 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Ok, so, I've eaten milk and cold cereal out of a plastic bag and while lazy it actually isn't that weird and is a great camping trick. You can also do this thing where the milk is in one corner of the bag and the dry-ish cereal is in the other and you can modulate your crunch/soggy cereal eating ratios.
The first time I ever tried it it was like "So, it's come to this." but no it's actually kind of genius.
Granted, I just put instant hot cocoa powder in grits because I'm out of milk. It's actually really good.
posted by loquacious at 9:11 AM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
Those are not memes, those are tweets for the most part.
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:14 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Dr. Twist at 9:14 AM on September 19, 2018
Yeah, Sobelman's in Milwaukee will put a whole dang fried chicken on a bloody mary for you if you're willing to pop $60 for a stunt. The $45 bloody with sliders and deep fried cheese curds pops up on my facebook feed a couple of times a year. They're reportedly pretty decent bloodies, too, they just have a deep fryer and no shame, so I mean I guess?
posted by Kyol at 9:21 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by Kyol at 9:21 AM on September 19, 2018
I am pretty sure an iPad isn't going to survive even one trip through a sanitizing dishwasher. In fact, if any of that obviously not-cleanable shit showed up on my table I'd just call the health inspector. Isn't that the obvious thing to do to solve this problem? Restaurants that intentionally try to poison their customers with dirty place settings get their doors locked by the government.
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by seanmpuckett at 9:25 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I remember when I was a kid, they had these individual boxes of cereal with instructions on them how to eat the cereal out of the box by cutting the back into flaps and opening up the plastic or foil bag as a sort of box liner.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:25 AM on September 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
posted by The Underpants Monster at 9:25 AM on September 19, 2018 [15 favorites]
YES THE MAGICAL BOX BOWL i was never allowed to use the box bowl bc 01) i am still to this day a messy and overexcited breakfast eater and 02) it would have involved allowing me to use a sharp object first thing in the morning.
posted by poffin boffin at 9:33 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:33 AM on September 19, 2018 [8 favorites]
Nobody needs this many onion rings. Nobody Wrong. I need that many thin crispy delicious onion rings.
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 9:53 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
Carrots and espresso do not go together, as ingredients of the same dish or beverage (and what is it supposed to be, anyway), or in terms of flavor profiles. The. End.
posted by datawrangler at 9:56 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by datawrangler at 9:56 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
And whoever thinks cake on top of a drink is difficult to eat has zero imagination, or a fear of sloppy eating.
posted by datawrangler at 9:57 AM on September 19, 2018
posted by datawrangler at 9:57 AM on September 19, 2018
While there are many that are objectively worse, the apple (get it?) pastry on a picture of a plate on an ipad is the one that filled me with rage and made me walk away from the computer for a few minutes. Arrgh! What is wrong with you!
posted by ActingTheGoat at 10:05 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by ActingTheGoat at 10:05 AM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
The snowboard pizza looks like it's in some weird ski resort chateau. Where the clients are stoner snowboarders who have been riding the mountain all day and you could throw pizza on the ground and they'd scarf it up because they're so damn hungry.
No arguments about how dirty it is to serve it on a snowboard, but really, it's pizza. The crust comes out of the oven at like 450 degrees and has a high probability of sterilizing anything that it touches.
And if you're squeamish about food safety and handling, you really probably should avoid pizza anyway. Pizza kitchens are the worst. Especially good pizza kitchens, because of how slammed they are all day, every day, and the high chances (heh) that your cooks are baked out of their fucking minds all day, every day.
I'd frankly be a lot more concerned about eating off the heated plastic base, residual ski wax or other fun chemicals leaching into the hot pizza.
Speaking of which, in just about every commercial kitchen I've been in, anything that goes into the oven gets handled, uh, more liberally. Especially baked goods of any kind. Not that gloves are the be-all-end-all of food safety, but if you like freshly baked small batch breads, cookies, croissants and the like the chances are really good the baker was up to their bare elbows in the dough at at least one point, or bare-handing cookie dough to form pucks/balls.
Also, any fancy butter or puff pastries like croissants, galettes, pinwheels or anything that involves cutting, weaving, braiding or tacking dough - chances are really good they're doing that work bare handed. It's almost frickin' impossible to cut and roll croissant triangles with any kind of gloves on.
The logic is that it's going into an oven, one that's likely steam-jacketed and likely at a minimum of 350 degrees, if not 450 for faster baking, and it's really easy to lose gloves in large batches of dough or stand mixers.
Also, only noobs fry bacon in any commercial kitchen. The way to make bacon is on parchment paper on baking sheets in the oven.
I was that noob once. I came into work one morning and we were all out of cooked bacon, so I fired up the huge flat top griddle for the first time. Because how else am I supposed to make like 10 pounds of bacon? I mean, doing it all in saute/sauce pans would be ridiculous, right?
My boss came in and just glared at what I was doing with a lot of withering looks of "What the FUCK are you doing? Now you have to clean the flat top you IDIOT!" as she went and turned on the oven, grabbed half a dozen baking sheets, lined 'em in parchment paper and wordlessly started laying out bacon while making a lot of rather domineering and meaningful eye contact. Even with the oven preheat time, all six sheets were done before I could even finish making the mess I was making on the flat top.
And it was like 10x the bacon, with almost none of the hassle, all perfectly flat and ready for sandwiches. Parchment paper goes in the trash, and the baking sheets go into the dish pit, and you don't have to scrape down and scour the flattop with a pumice stone and scraper.
And if you have a need to save the bacon fat (most commercial kitchens don't, honestly) then it's a lot easier to decant into something by just pouring it off the corner of the sheets.
And this is how I learned how to cook off an entire 25 pound box of bacon (About 250-300 slices!) in under about thirty minutes. You just rack up the first 8-10 sheets and throw 'em in the oven and go back to racking sheets. By about the time the next sheets are racked you can pull the first ones from the oven and put 'em in a warming box or cooling rack. Repeat until the box is empty.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've willingly ordered or eaten bacon since that job. The smell of it still triggers feelings of early morning dread and waves of nausea. Making breakfast for people when you hate eating at all in the morning is really horrible. I've thrown up at work a couple of times just because I was so grossed out by cooking off that much bacon before I was ready to think about food or even awake yet in any kind of civilized way.
You'd think that puking might get you sent home, but, no. It usually just gets you accused of partying too hard the night before and getting ribbed and hazed by your coworkers. At best it might get you fifteen minutes for a "safety meeting" bong rip in your head chef's surfer van to settle your stomach, which actually works.
posted by loquacious at 10:06 AM on September 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
No arguments about how dirty it is to serve it on a snowboard, but really, it's pizza. The crust comes out of the oven at like 450 degrees and has a high probability of sterilizing anything that it touches.
And if you're squeamish about food safety and handling, you really probably should avoid pizza anyway. Pizza kitchens are the worst. Especially good pizza kitchens, because of how slammed they are all day, every day, and the high chances (heh) that your cooks are baked out of their fucking minds all day, every day.
I'd frankly be a lot more concerned about eating off the heated plastic base, residual ski wax or other fun chemicals leaching into the hot pizza.
Speaking of which, in just about every commercial kitchen I've been in, anything that goes into the oven gets handled, uh, more liberally. Especially baked goods of any kind. Not that gloves are the be-all-end-all of food safety, but if you like freshly baked small batch breads, cookies, croissants and the like the chances are really good the baker was up to their bare elbows in the dough at at least one point, or bare-handing cookie dough to form pucks/balls.
Also, any fancy butter or puff pastries like croissants, galettes, pinwheels or anything that involves cutting, weaving, braiding or tacking dough - chances are really good they're doing that work bare handed. It's almost frickin' impossible to cut and roll croissant triangles with any kind of gloves on.
The logic is that it's going into an oven, one that's likely steam-jacketed and likely at a minimum of 350 degrees, if not 450 for faster baking, and it's really easy to lose gloves in large batches of dough or stand mixers.
Also, only noobs fry bacon in any commercial kitchen. The way to make bacon is on parchment paper on baking sheets in the oven.
I was that noob once. I came into work one morning and we were all out of cooked bacon, so I fired up the huge flat top griddle for the first time. Because how else am I supposed to make like 10 pounds of bacon? I mean, doing it all in saute/sauce pans would be ridiculous, right?
My boss came in and just glared at what I was doing with a lot of withering looks of "What the FUCK are you doing? Now you have to clean the flat top you IDIOT!" as she went and turned on the oven, grabbed half a dozen baking sheets, lined 'em in parchment paper and wordlessly started laying out bacon while making a lot of rather domineering and meaningful eye contact. Even with the oven preheat time, all six sheets were done before I could even finish making the mess I was making on the flat top.
And it was like 10x the bacon, with almost none of the hassle, all perfectly flat and ready for sandwiches. Parchment paper goes in the trash, and the baking sheets go into the dish pit, and you don't have to scrape down and scour the flattop with a pumice stone and scraper.
And if you have a need to save the bacon fat (most commercial kitchens don't, honestly) then it's a lot easier to decant into something by just pouring it off the corner of the sheets.
And this is how I learned how to cook off an entire 25 pound box of bacon (About 250-300 slices!) in under about thirty minutes. You just rack up the first 8-10 sheets and throw 'em in the oven and go back to racking sheets. By about the time the next sheets are racked you can pull the first ones from the oven and put 'em in a warming box or cooling rack. Repeat until the box is empty.
Come to think of it, I don't think I've willingly ordered or eaten bacon since that job. The smell of it still triggers feelings of early morning dread and waves of nausea. Making breakfast for people when you hate eating at all in the morning is really horrible. I've thrown up at work a couple of times just because I was so grossed out by cooking off that much bacon before I was ready to think about food or even awake yet in any kind of civilized way.
You'd think that puking might get you sent home, but, no. It usually just gets you accused of partying too hard the night before and getting ribbed and hazed by your coworkers. At best it might get you fifteen minutes for a "safety meeting" bong rip in your head chef's surfer van to settle your stomach, which actually works.
posted by loquacious at 10:06 AM on September 19, 2018 [14 favorites]
posted by loquacious at 1:06 PM on September 19
Eponysterical!
posted by Naberius at 10:24 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Eponysterical!
posted by Naberius at 10:24 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
I have to call fake on #6 in the first link, which looks like it was snapped in somebody's apartment, and #20 with all of the food hanging off a bloody mary, which is soooo impractical that it has to be a bartender or server's idea of a joke.
No, it's probably just from Milwaukee. Previously: Why not a whole fryer?
No, it's probably just from Milwaukee. Previously: Why not a whole fryer?
We initially started with 12 or 13 ingredients in the Bloody Mary. But one day, about two and a half years ago, I stuck a cheeseburger on a toothpick on a Bloody Mary and wrote on a Facebook post: “Am I going too far?” The next thing I knew, I had 100 comments. Everyone loved it. It seemed to me to be so ridiculous, but I got home and I sat down at the table and said to my wife, “Wow, I think we’re on to something.”posted by Lexica at 11:09 AM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
– I Started Milwaukee’s Epic Bloody Mary Garnish Wars
Metafilter: sometimes the stuff you think is dumb/useless/foolish/wasteful/whatever just isn't actually stuff for you.
posted by Melismata at 11:33 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Melismata at 11:33 AM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
Assorted number under 30 random clickbait complaint cuteness nausea inducing
posted by y2karl at 12:30 PM on September 19, 2018
posted by y2karl at 12:30 PM on September 19, 2018
If you don't eat the skin of a kiwi, you're a punk and I hate it.
posted by GoblinHoney at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2018
posted by GoblinHoney at 12:31 PM on September 19, 2018
I hope that person isn't someone who is allergic to mango skins, getting the allergic reaction in their mouth and throat would not be a pleasant day for them.
Yeah this, I have to wear gloves when I peel a mango.
My problem with the both the bone and the barbie doll meat is how do you wash that? Are you just throwing it away when you're done? What if a child/dog wanted one or the other of them?
posted by aspersioncast at 1:20 PM on September 19, 2018
Yeah this, I have to wear gloves when I peel a mango.
My problem with the both the bone and the barbie doll meat is how do you wash that? Are you just throwing it away when you're done? What if a child/dog wanted one or the other of them?
posted by aspersioncast at 1:20 PM on September 19, 2018
What is wrong with pre-diced onions? I use diced onions regularly, but not often enough to use a whole onion before it turns. Solution? A 2 pound bag of frozen diced onions. It is 5 bucks, and I always have diced onions on hand that I can throw in a pot. A medium onion is just a fistful of diced onions.
I used to scoff at the idea of pre-diced onions. Then I realized that they don't taste any different from fresh. I don't have to spend the extra time dicing onions. They are of a more uniform size than my paltry knife skills can deliver.
posted by Badgermann at 1:44 PM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I used to scoff at the idea of pre-diced onions. Then I realized that they don't taste any different from fresh. I don't have to spend the extra time dicing onions. They are of a more uniform size than my paltry knife skills can deliver.
posted by Badgermann at 1:44 PM on September 19, 2018 [4 favorites]
I don't use pre-diced onions but we do use pre-diced garlic.
posted by octothorpe at 1:51 PM on September 19, 2018
posted by octothorpe at 1:51 PM on September 19, 2018
Honestly, chicken wings in a shoe box doesn't offend me at all.
What offends me about it is that it is in an article about restaurants that need to "chill TF out"; shoving a bunch of chicken wings into a shoebox seems pretty fucking chill to me, perhaps too chill, if anything?
posted by nubs at 1:58 PM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
What offends me about it is that it is in an article about restaurants that need to "chill TF out"; shoving a bunch of chicken wings into a shoebox seems pretty fucking chill to me, perhaps too chill, if anything?
posted by nubs at 1:58 PM on September 19, 2018 [3 favorites]
I don't have much opinion about most of these, but some of the "deconstructed" dishes are basically just an invitation to eat with the worst table manners possible - as in, none whatsoever - because there's simply no way to get the food into your mouth otherwise.
posted by soundguy99 at 4:10 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by soundguy99 at 4:10 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
The things on clotheslines seem like a poorly thought out response to seeing something like biang biang noodles being brought to a hotpot table.
posted by Lexica at 4:45 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Lexica at 4:45 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
One of my more infamous rants at my old, extremely curse-y job was apparently about one of the places that would have featured in the first link.
It was a bunch of greasy food on a sawn-in-two skateboard.
No problem, right?
Except I used to be a hobbyist woodworker, until a hand injury made getting my fingers near power tools a very stupid idea. You pick up some knowledge that way.
Knowledge like... Only a handful of wood finishes are generally considered food safe. Whatever-the-fuck is on a skateboard, probably ending in multiple -enes? Not one of them.
So I go on my rant and apparently ended it with "you useless, 'crafty' shits", referring to the restaurateurs, because boy howdy did I hear that quoted back at me a lot.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:57 PM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
It was a bunch of greasy food on a sawn-in-two skateboard.
No problem, right?
Except I used to be a hobbyist woodworker, until a hand injury made getting my fingers near power tools a very stupid idea. You pick up some knowledge that way.
Knowledge like... Only a handful of wood finishes are generally considered food safe. Whatever-the-fuck is on a skateboard, probably ending in multiple -enes? Not one of them.
So I go on my rant and apparently ended it with "you useless, 'crafty' shits", referring to the restaurateurs, because boy howdy did I hear that quoted back at me a lot.
posted by flibbertigibbet at 6:57 PM on September 19, 2018 [2 favorites]
MetaFilter: the one that filled me with rage
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:56 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 7:56 PM on September 19, 2018 [1 favorite]
Mind you, I do love the food at Walt Disney World's Hoop-Dee-Doo Musical Revue at Fort Wilderness, served family style in tin buckets. but sense it's themed entertainment on a grand scale, I'm comfortable judging them on a different standard than the neighborhood eatery.
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:53 PM on September 19, 2018
posted by The Underpants Monster at 10:53 PM on September 19, 2018
Mind you, I do love the food at Walt Disney World's Hoop-Dee-Doo Musical Revue at Fort Wilderness, served family style in tin buckets. but sense it's themed entertainment on a grand scale, I'm comfortable judging them on a different standard than the neighborhood eatery.
Tin buckets!?
Heck, that basically looks like my dishes, what few I can force myself to keep. And most of my housemates dishes. Heck, half the dishes in town at the houses of any of the people I like basically look just like that, especially all the Mason jars. I was just at a forest rave in the neighborhood and it was like a people drinking keg cider and beer, booze, soup and/or weird tea out of Mason jars convention.
Like, there was even a checkerboard cloth and a table spread full of food in cast iron, tin and enamel cookware just like those pictures. The only real differences were A) There was a lot more booze (and weed) in the Mason jars and B) almost all of the food was vegan and not generally deep fried.
Ok, maybe I really do live in some kind of weird hipster frontier hippie town.
*shrugs and sips weird herbal and green tea mix out of an oversized mason jar*
posted by loquacious at 12:53 AM on September 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
Tin buckets!?
Heck, that basically looks like my dishes, what few I can force myself to keep. And most of my housemates dishes. Heck, half the dishes in town at the houses of any of the people I like basically look just like that, especially all the Mason jars. I was just at a forest rave in the neighborhood and it was like a people drinking keg cider and beer, booze, soup and/or weird tea out of Mason jars convention.
Like, there was even a checkerboard cloth and a table spread full of food in cast iron, tin and enamel cookware just like those pictures. The only real differences were A) There was a lot more booze (and weed) in the Mason jars and B) almost all of the food was vegan and not generally deep fried.
Ok, maybe I really do live in some kind of weird hipster frontier hippie town.
*shrugs and sips weird herbal and green tea mix out of an oversized mason jar*
posted by loquacious at 12:53 AM on September 20, 2018 [3 favorites]
I believe the first couple of links were what motivated the "villain" in 12 Monkeys, and now I understand.
posted by bongo_x at 1:18 AM on September 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by bongo_x at 1:18 AM on September 20, 2018 [1 favorite]
I’m about to cook with pre-diced (frozen) onions. So there.
posted by rmd1023 at 3:33 PM on September 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by rmd1023 at 3:33 PM on September 23, 2018 [1 favorite]
« Older The long run. | No, I Will Not Debate You Newer »
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And the original poster is very correct :) Those last 3 are a boon to people like my mum who have arthritis.
posted by fallingbadgers at 1:04 AM on September 19, 2018