Kayak octopus seal slap New Zealand

September 27, 2018 2:29 AM

Thanks to the ubiquity of modern digital photography, this type of tall tale is now backed by evidence. Seal slaps kayaker in the face with an octopus in New Zealand.
posted by adept256 (45 comments total)

Dolphins and porpoises do the same thing. Because can you freakin’ imagine eating an octopus and having it try to kill you from the inside? Yoiks!
posted by From Bklyn at 2:56 AM on September 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

I Said Good Day Sir!
posted by Marticus at 2:58 AM on September 27, 2018 [76 favorites]

Even if it wasn't, it just looks so deliberate!
posted by Eleven at 3:11 AM on September 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

I believe the appropriate Kiwi response to this story would be:

"Ah yeah, that seal's name is Davo. Used to flat with a mate of mine. Mad fella, always throwing shit about. One time he threw a weta in the back of Gav's ute. Course the weta didn't like that and ripped the whole back end off. We had to tie it back on with number 8. It's been like that for five years now. He was gonna fix it but instead he parked it up just off Dominion Road and rented it out. There's fifteen people living in that ute now."
posted by happyinmotion at 3:14 AM on September 27, 2018 [103 favorites]

Nobody expects a sucker punch.
posted by zamboni at 3:18 AM on September 27, 2018 [72 favorites]

It's an offering to their visitor. The appropriate response would have been to slap him back with a tui.
posted by pracowity at 3:39 AM on September 27, 2018 [3 favorites]

Kayaker had backpfeifengesichthyo.
posted by BrotherCaine at 4:22 AM on September 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

I feel like between the absurdity of Gritty and the absurdity of this story, these are signs from the universe that we could all use a deep belly laugh and smile right now.
posted by floweredfish at 4:39 AM on September 27, 2018 [9 favorites]

I'm....a little uneasy that there are a whole bunch of kayakers there that look like they're crowding the seal in. It may be panicked.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:44 AM on September 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Probably not. It'd just swim away. This looks like it was trying to kill an octopus.
posted by adept256 at 5:09 AM on September 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Locals only!
posted by schoolgirl report at 5:28 AM on September 27, 2018 [17 favorites]

With mollusk aforethought.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 5:32 AM on September 27, 2018 [41 favorites]

Definitely not panicked. This is what they do to stun the octo so it doesn't drown them while they're eating it.

Must be tough to find a kayaker to stun the octo with though...
posted by fnerg at 5:34 AM on September 27, 2018 [28 favorites]

With fronds like these, who needs anemones!
posted by Fizz at 5:38 AM on September 27, 2018 [50 favorites]

I'm no expert, but that looks like a sealion to me. It's got ears...
posted by jontyjago at 5:52 AM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

as usual, the audio of people's voices just about ruins the video
posted by thelonius at 5:57 AM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

The kayaker got the seal of disapproval.
posted by NoxAeternum at 6:10 AM on September 27, 2018 [38 favorites]

I believe the appropriate Kiwi response to this story would be:

I heard all of that in my head in Rhys Darby's voice. It was perfect.
posted by elsietheeel at 7:10 AM on September 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

I love to seals, humans are just a hard surface on which to prepare a meal with.
posted by GoblinHoney at 7:38 AM on September 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

seal/octopus 2020
posted by poffin boffin at 7:52 AM on September 27, 2018 [19 favorites]

the leadership we need
posted by poffin boffin at 7:53 AM on September 27, 2018 [4 favorites]

FASTBALL SPECIAL!

X-Men - All Media Types
Wolverine, Colossus, Alternate Universe - Ocean

Cyclops is an otter.
posted by zamboni at 8:08 AM on September 27, 2018 [5 favorites]

I believe the appropriate Kiwi response to this story would be:

I heard all of that in my head in Rhys Darby's voice. It was perfect.

OMG SAME! (FlightoftheConchords4eva)
posted by like_neon at 8:13 AM on September 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Kayak Octopus Seal Slap GO is my favorite anime.
posted by JohnFromGR at 8:45 AM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

Loved the sucker punch comment. Full marks to that person.
Beware Octopuses?? they are armed and dangerous!!
posted by Burn_IT at 9:10 AM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

Kayak octopus seal slap New Zealand

This looks like either some sort of cryptographic spy code or a bizarro adaptation of the military alphabet code.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:37 AM on September 27, 2018 [11 favorites]

I guess that seal proved that you're never gonna survive unless you are a little crazy...
posted by zaixfeep at 9:58 AM on September 27, 2018 [7 favorites]

Dolphins and porpoises do the same thing. Because can you freakin’ imagine eating an octopus and having it try to kill you from the inside? Yoiks!

Yes. I've eaten rotisserie chicken salad and turkey gravy (not together) prepared at the supermarket deli-counter. And bad Chipotle once.

I'll try slamming it hard on the counter next time.
posted by zaixfeep at 10:14 AM on September 27, 2018 [6 favorites]

Don't Start No Squid , Won't Be No Squid, pontoon boy.
posted by Chrischris at 11:58 AM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

I guess this is something to add to the 'here is a shark being eaten by a dingo with 2 snakes reproducing in the front of the frame' as a welcome to that part of the world.
posted by rough ashlar at 12:04 PM on September 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

10 Thoughts I Had Watching a Kayaker Get the Shit Slapped Out of Him With an Octopus by a Seal - The Root
posted by Errant at 12:49 PM on September 27, 2018 [8 favorites]

Seal: Hey, let's do 'Get Help'.
Octopus: What?
Seal: 'Get Help'.
Octopus: No.
Seal: Come on. You love it.
Octopus: I hate it.
Seal: It's great. It works every time.
Octopus: It's humiliating.
Seal: Do you have a better plan?
Octopus: No.
Seal: We're doing it.
Octopus: We are not doing 'Get Help'.
posted by asteria at 3:24 PM on September 27, 2018 [16 favorites]

I no longer work in journalism but if I had ever written a sentence which included swinging the mollusc toward the unsuspecting kayaker in it, I feel my life would be richer and more intense in its pleasures.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 5:32 PM on September 27, 2018 [10 favorites]

Metafilter: Swinging the mollusc
posted by Greg_Ace at 5:57 PM on September 27, 2018 [2 favorites]

why say mollusc when you have CEPHALOPOD right there ready to use

why is everyone so opposed to SPECIFICITY

"swinging the mollusc toward the unsuspecting chordate" NO
posted by poffin boffin at 6:59 PM on September 27, 2018 [15 favorites]

i am all het up about phyla and im not sorry
posted by poffin boffin at 7:00 PM on September 27, 2018 [11 favorites]

I`m just wild about phyla
And phyla's wild about me
The heavenly enchantments of its compartments
Fill me with ecstasy
posted by Greg_Ace at 7:54 PM on September 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

So this was part of a GoPro promotion. Was I alone in assuming this video was too good to be true? I was surprised to come to this thread and not see any naysayers. Maybe you guys are afraid of getting whacked in the face with something slimy.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 7:57 PM on September 27, 2018

Maybe you guys are afraid of getting whacked in the face with something slimy.

We get played for suckers everyday.

No need to have 'em slap 'ya in the face.
posted by rough ashlar at 9:01 PM on September 27, 2018 [1 favorite]

Wolverine, Colossus, Alternate Universe - Ocean

Wolverine: narwhal.
posted by scalefree at 9:27 PM on September 27, 2018

afraid of getting whacked in the face with something slimy

I'd surmise that's a fairly commonplace modern anxiety.
posted by Greg_Ace at 9:35 PM on September 27, 2018

I think I've seen enough tentacle pr0n to know where that scene was going to go.
posted by Purposeful Grimace at 4:20 AM on September 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

Was I alone in assuming this video was too good to be true?

For however long it takes, they secretly trained a seal to catch octopi and fling them at people's face, particularly that kayak with the go-pro. In their secret seal-training/publicity facility.

We need to add this to the qanon map.

Or this is how seals usually prepare octopus tartare. That's what they want us to believe.
posted by adept256 at 5:39 AM on September 28, 2018 [1 favorite]

seal/octopus 2020

Sadly, it'll be a one-name ticket before the bumper stickers are printed.

I missed this post and made an unnecessarily wordy version of this post, which includes clarification that it's no seal, it's a sea lion, and that the octopus is being tenderized because sea lions don't have molars to masticate (the things you learn when looking for "supporting material" about a strange video :)). Anyway, here's a copy of my deleted post:

Off the coast of Kaikōura (Google maps) on the South Island of New Zealand, an (un)fortunate kayaker got clobbered by an octopus-throwing sea lion (Instagram). NPR turns to two subject-matter experts (neither are sea lions or octopus, sorry) to answer the question Why Did An Octopus-Wielding Sea Lion Slap A Kayaker In The Face? The Verge has more context on the Kayaker blessed by a seal, slapped in the face with an octopus.

(I'm fond of my title, Kayaker casually pummeled by a pinniped in a loose seal brawl -- but for full disclosure, I stole "loose seal brawl" from The Verge).
posted by filthy light thief at 12:50 PM on September 28, 2018 [3 favorites]

loose seal brawl

Seal(ion): "I wanna be in the show! Waaaaaaahhh!!"
Kayaker: "You got some 'splainin' to do."

Octopus: "Squish."
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:59 PM on September 28, 2018 [1 favorite]