“Empty my tanks,”
November 30, 2018 7:01 AM Subscribe
Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her. Literary Review's. Bad sex award 2018: the contenders in quotes.
One, it's telling that the list of "finalists" are all male.
Two, I find it hilarious that Murakami's envisioning of sex seems to be informed by the more...prurient pop media of his native land.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:13 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Two, I find it hilarious that Murakami's envisioning of sex seems to be informed by the more...prurient pop media of his native land.
posted by NoxAeternum at 7:13 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
Is Scoundrels not meant to be comedy, though? That ought to disqualify it, I would think.
But the rest sure do range from "merely very bad" to "actively repulsive," although as I read and re-read I'm not sure which are which anymore. They all sort of make me feel gross.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
But the rest sure do range from "merely very bad" to "actively repulsive," although as I read and re-read I'm not sure which are which anymore. They all sort of make me feel gross.
posted by uncleozzy at 7:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
The pepper mill is vagina dentata taken to a whole new level. Although just two sentences ago she was a ratchet. Heterosexuality is so confusing.
posted by Nelson at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2018 [12 favorites]
posted by Nelson at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2018 [12 favorites]
Cum.
posted by humuhumu at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by humuhumu at 7:23 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
Cum.
posted by Nelson at 7:26 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by Nelson at 7:26 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
One. White. God. Indeed.
posted by fast ein Maedchen at 7:27 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by fast ein Maedchen at 7:27 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
My understanding is that "cum" is the noun and "come" is the verb. But I'm not going to use that noun if I can possibly help it. As a writer, I have, of course, a keen yet entirely professional interest in this matter.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:29 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 7:29 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
(I'd like to see some lady standup do an onstage bit about pulling out her own pepper mill at a crowded restaurant)
posted by Countess Elena at 7:30 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
posted by Countess Elena at 7:30 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
girls girls girls
you should aspire to have an enameled pepper mill
not like the trashy formica pepper mills of your mothers
or your grandmothers rough hewn mortars and pestles
posted by lalochezia at 7:31 AM on November 30, 2018 [23 favorites]
you should aspire to have an enameled pepper mill
not like the trashy formica pepper mills of your mothers
or your grandmothers rough hewn mortars and pestles
posted by lalochezia at 7:31 AM on November 30, 2018 [23 favorites]
FFS.
posted by kerf at 7:33 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by kerf at 7:33 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
My mother's pepper mill was bakelite, I will thank you to remember, and quite a fine one as I am let to understand.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 7:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
The William Wall one seems to be actually trying to portray bad sex (I hope?) so it works for me.
James Frey, though. Yikes.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 7:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
James Frey, though. Yikes.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 7:39 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I don’t know, these don’t seem all that bad acknowledging that the passages are totally without context. I mean, people have all kinds of weird thoughts going through their heads during the sex.
Then I read that Morrissey won this thing once and I had to look it up:
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:48 AM on November 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
Then I read that Morrissey won this thing once and I had to look it up:
At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.Context or not, that is truly fucking awful.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:48 AM on November 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
I had no idea I was supposed to have an enameled pepper mill.
And I had no idea I was supposed to get a boner walking through Williams-Sonoma, yet here we are.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [13 favorites]
And I had no idea I was supposed to get a boner walking through Williams-Sonoma, yet here we are.
posted by Mr. Bad Example at 7:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [13 favorites]
When Morrissey won, I found myself hoping that there was an actual, physical award he received.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 7:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideal Impulse at 7:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
And I love that Morrissey of course got indignant about it :
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:55 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
He told the Uruguayan paper El Observador this week that he felt it was “best to maintain an indifferent distance” from the prize, “because there are too many good things in life to let these repulsive horrors pull you down”.Oh please don’t ever change, Steven Patrick. I mean that without irony as a huge fan.
“I have many enemies,” he added, “and their biggest motivation, as you know, is to try to use all your achievements against you.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:55 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
girls girls girls
you should aspire to have an enameled pepper mill
not like the trashy formica pepper mills of your mothers
or your grandmothers rough hewn mortars and pestles
If a woman's got an enameled pepper mill, what would she want with a man's pestle?
posted by explosion at 7:56 AM on November 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
you should aspire to have an enameled pepper mill
not like the trashy formica pepper mills of your mothers
or your grandmothers rough hewn mortars and pestles
If a woman's got an enameled pepper mill, what would she want with a man's pestle?
posted by explosion at 7:56 AM on November 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
One of my favorite times of the year.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:57 AM on November 30, 2018
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 7:57 AM on November 30, 2018
Then I read that Morrissey won this thing once ...
There's a naked man standing, laughing in your dreams
You know who it is
But you don't like what it means
posted by octobersurprise at 7:58 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
There's a naked man standing, laughing in your dreams
You know who it is
But you don't like what it means
posted by octobersurprise at 7:58 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
“How did you get that pepper mill stuck there? Your penis is torn to shreds!”
“Honestly, doctor, I just fell on it.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:59 AM on November 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
“Honestly, doctor, I just fell on it.”
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 7:59 AM on November 30, 2018 [9 favorites]
If you enjoy terrible descriptions of sex, be sure to check out My Dad Wrote A Porno, a podcast in which an entire romantic novel is read out and critiqued by the writer's son and his friends. The ribbing is good natured rather than mean spirited, and the writing is a special sort of bad.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:00 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:00 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
I knew there was a reason I was avoiding reading Murakami.
Also, most of these are worst than all the fanfic I have been absorbing lately (although I have started to notice some cliches of that genre, how many plush lower lips are there in the MCU?)
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:01 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Also, most of these are worst than all the fanfic I have been absorbing lately (although I have started to notice some cliches of that genre, how many plush lower lips are there in the MCU?)
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:01 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
“For years now, some of the best and most interesting writing about sex has been shortlisted annually by the sniggering mutual masturbators of the Literary Review."
God I love the Irish sometimes.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
God I love the Irish sometimes.
posted by Navelgazer at 8:14 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Well, to be fair, the Murakami is translated and translation is uh hard
posted by pingu at 8:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by pingu at 8:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I read Murakami in high school, I don't remember which one, in fact the only things I remember about it are something about the ocean and also that there was a really awkwardly-described sex scene in it.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by tobascodagama at 8:15 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
I haven’t read the Murakami book in question, but—is this a rape scene? It says she’s asleep.
posted by Ideal Impulse at 8:19 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideal Impulse at 8:19 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
> I read Murakami in high school, I don't remember which one, in fact the only things I remember about it are something about the ocean and also that there was a really awkwardly-described sex scene in it.
You could add 'jazz', 'descriptions of women that focus on breast size (usually small)', 'lost cats', and 'precocious teenage girl', and we still wouldn't be any nearer to nailing down which Murakami novel you read.
posted by humuhumu at 8:19 AM on November 30, 2018 [19 favorites]
You could add 'jazz', 'descriptions of women that focus on breast size (usually small)', 'lost cats', and 'precocious teenage girl', and we still wouldn't be any nearer to nailing down which Murakami novel you read.
posted by humuhumu at 8:19 AM on November 30, 2018 [19 favorites]
The whole 'pepper mill' image is only meant to contrast against men's expectations... sometimes a sugar bowl but most often a condiment packet - but it can backfire when it's a Taco Bell Fire Sauce...
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:23 AM on November 30, 2018
posted by oneswellfoop at 8:23 AM on November 30, 2018
Some of this is bad (bad awful terrible god) writing, but some of this is just bad sex. I’ve definitely focused on the damn windows in a vague cloud of “huh, so this is happening and it’s profoundly unmoving” before.
posted by lydhre at 8:30 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by lydhre at 8:30 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
My very favorite bad sex scene has been passed around as a tumblr meme for a while. It's from Sandra Hill's Rough and Ready, but I always find it by searching for galloping abs
posted by JDHarper at 8:31 AM on November 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
posted by JDHarper at 8:31 AM on November 30, 2018 [7 favorites]
The pepper mill one appears to be from a comedy novel, the William Wall seems pretty intentional in what it's conveying.... the Murakami also might be intentional but is creepy regardless so fair enough on that one. It does crack me up that James Frey is back and writing about coming the way he wrote about crying in rehab.
posted by atoxyl at 8:35 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by atoxyl at 8:35 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
And I had no idea I was supposed to get a boner walking through Williams-Sonoma, yet here we are.
Stop kink-shaming me!
posted by 1adam12 at 8:37 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
Stop kink-shaming me!
posted by 1adam12 at 8:37 AM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
As a fan of Haruki Murakami's work, he is utterly incapable of writing a sex scene that isn't god awful. The rest of his novels are usually good enough to make up for it.
MINOR SPOILERS FOR KILLING COMMENDATORE FOLLOW: The sex scene is actually from a dream the character has while living on his own, miles from his ex-wife, but some sort of supernatural force may have caused the dream to occur in reality, because Murakami novel.
posted by SansPoint at 8:50 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
MINOR SPOILERS FOR KILLING COMMENDATORE FOLLOW: The sex scene is actually from a dream the character has while living on his own, miles from his ex-wife, but some sort of supernatural force may have caused the dream to occur in reality, because Murakami novel.
posted by SansPoint at 8:50 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
And I had no idea I was supposed to get a boner walking through Williams-Sonoma, yet here we are.
The journey of sexual self-understanding is lifelong.
posted by cirgue at 8:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
The journey of sexual self-understanding is lifelong.
posted by cirgue at 8:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
And I had no idea I was supposed to get a boner walking through Williams-Sonoma, yet here we are.
Stop kink-shaming me!
I thought the erotic nature of Williams-Sonoma had long been a matter of public record.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 8:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Stop kink-shaming me!
I thought the erotic nature of Williams-Sonoma had long been a matter of public record.
posted by the phlegmatic king at 8:53 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
I generally put Murakami in the category of "supposed to be like this" on his weird sex scenes, because the weird sex scenes don't really stand out stylistically or content-wise from his weird everything else scenes.
posted by tclark at 9:07 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by tclark at 9:07 AM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
James Frey.
Jesus fucking Christ will that guy ever just shut up and go away?
posted by aramaic at 9:24 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
Jesus fucking Christ will that guy ever just shut up and go away?
posted by aramaic at 9:24 AM on November 30, 2018 [5 favorites]
God, every fucking Murakami novel is rapier than the last. I'm so glad I gave up on him.
posted by ITheCosmos at 9:46 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
posted by ITheCosmos at 9:46 AM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth
Pfft. My breasts have mastered the Immelmann turn.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 9:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [21 favorites]
Pfft. My breasts have mastered the Immelmann turn.
posted by Morfil Ffyrnig at 9:52 AM on November 30, 2018 [21 favorites]
I always like to imagine the ghost of James Joyce reading these aloud to the ghost of Nora Barnacle and then both of them laugh hysterically
posted by poffin boffin at 9:56 AM on November 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 9:56 AM on November 30, 2018 [11 favorites]
Context or not, that is truly fucking awful.
"So ask me ask me ask me
I might just say no, I just might."
posted by codacorolla at 10:54 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
"So ask me ask me ask me
I might just say no, I just might."
posted by codacorolla at 10:54 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
It's from Sandra Hill's Rough and Ready
The fact that there is a town called Rough and Ready in Northern California (not to mention Rough and Ready Island out Stockton way) has always been a source of some amusement whenever I see the signs...
posted by inflatablekiwi at 11:05 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
The fact that there is a town called Rough and Ready in Northern California (not to mention Rough and Ready Island out Stockton way) has always been a source of some amusement whenever I see the signs...
posted by inflatablekiwi at 11:05 AM on November 30, 2018 [1 favorite]
If I ever form a metal band, it will be named "Bulbous Salutation."
posted by prepmonkey at 12:49 PM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
posted by prepmonkey at 12:49 PM on November 30, 2018 [6 favorites]
with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth
what
posted by Melismata at 1:47 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
what
posted by Melismata at 1:47 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth
It's probably a shortcoming of mine that I'm trying to imagine the physics of what this could possibly mean, and failing.
posted by bongo_x at 5:48 PM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
It's probably a shortcoming of mine that I'm trying to imagine the physics of what this could possibly mean, and failing.
posted by bongo_x at 5:48 PM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
→ Context or not, that is truly fucking awful.
Truly awful fucking, indeed
posted by scruss at 5:58 PM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
Truly awful fucking, indeed
posted by scruss at 5:58 PM on November 30, 2018 [2 favorites]
how many plush lower lips are there in the MCU?
to be fair, objectively, quite a lot.
i love this time of the year, just from a self-interested perspective -- my unpaid sexy fanfic will never be as bad as these paid professional fict-- wait.
posted by cendawanita at 6:24 PM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
to be fair, objectively, quite a lot.
i love this time of the year, just from a self-interested perspective -- my unpaid sexy fanfic will never be as bad as these paid professional fict-- wait.
posted by cendawanita at 6:24 PM on November 30, 2018 [4 favorites]
putting the WW in the same list with the other ones is just a demonstration of someone being as bad at reading as the rest of them are at writing. it's not particularly good, especially the first line. that's all, just not particularly good, in a way that indicates the rest of the book is probably not that good either.
unlike all the other ones, it is not all about male sensation and self-regard, and unlike all the other ones, it is not overtly misogynistic even if the rest of the book may well be, and unlike all the others, it is faintly repulsive on purpose, not extraordinarily repulsive by accident. as try-hard and mediocre as the style is, and as uninterested as I am in reading his book, compared with the rest of the list the writer might as well belong to a different species.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:02 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
unlike all the other ones, it is not all about male sensation and self-regard, and unlike all the other ones, it is not overtly misogynistic even if the rest of the book may well be, and unlike all the others, it is faintly repulsive on purpose, not extraordinarily repulsive by accident. as try-hard and mediocre as the style is, and as uninterested as I am in reading his book, compared with the rest of the list the writer might as well belong to a different species.
posted by queenofbithynia at 7:02 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
These are really a mix of "bad-sex writing," and "bad sex-writing," with some falling into both categories.
And maybe it's just the inflation of memory, but I recall past years' collections being much worse than this year's nominees. Perhaps the mere existence of the award is improving the average?
posted by Dip Flash at 7:32 PM on November 30, 2018
And maybe it's just the inflation of memory, but I recall past years' collections being much worse than this year's nominees. Perhaps the mere existence of the award is improving the average?
posted by Dip Flash at 7:32 PM on November 30, 2018
If you're one of the new in the know crowd that gets a "boner walking through Williams-Sonoma" I invite you to savor this tidbit of bad sex writing encountered in a 50s smut book, "her ovaries sizzled like grits in a skillet."
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:08 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
posted by a humble nudibranch at 10:08 PM on November 30, 2018 [3 favorites]
(holds envelope to forehead)
"her ovaries sizzled like grits in a skillet."
(opens envelope)
"How can we make PCOS sound sexy and exciting?"
posted by McCoy Pauley at 8:56 AM on December 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
"her ovaries sizzled like grits in a skillet."
(opens envelope)
"How can we make PCOS sound sexy and exciting?"
posted by McCoy Pauley at 8:56 AM on December 1, 2018 [5 favorites]
James Frey, man. It's not enough for him to tell a story about going to rehab, it has to be the MOST FUCKING INTENSE experience anyone's ever had in recovery, and now it's not enough that he (allegedly) went to Paris, met a girl and had some sex or whatever, it has to be the MOST FUCKING INTENSE fucking anyone's ever done, because he's a BAD DUDE who GRABS LIFE BY THE THROAT in a way you squares are never gonna get.
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:44 AM on December 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by The Card Cheat at 6:44 AM on December 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
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The most depressing one is by William Ward. Without context, it suggests that this girl is totally okay with sex being a disappointing, lazy man old enough to be her father. Maybe, in the novel, the sex is supposed to be terrible and a bad example for her that she later overcomes, but I’m not holding my breath.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:11 AM on November 30, 2018 [7 favorites]