A rye-soaked husk of a man who simply must keep his whiskey strong

December 20, 2018 7:21 AM

No More Whiskey Stones: A Holiday Plea from Your Boyfriend
posted by griphus (176 comments total)

"I am a unique human being, not a sentient set of flannel sheets carefully tending a leather-scented candle while rearranging my tech gadgets and beanie collection. " [ citation needed ]
posted by seanmpuckett at 7:27 AM on December 20, 2018 [23 favorites]

That drunken moment when you tip back the glass to get every last drop of Jim Beam and the whiskey stones hit you in the face.

Great little essay. I have no doubt he was drinking whiskey while writing it.
posted by AugustWest at 7:28 AM on December 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

OMFG I literally had issues getting nothing but booze and booze-related gifts for Christmas, including whiskey stones, and had to put my foot down, because WTF. This article may be satire, but it rings true for me, aside from the "being drunk on whiskey all the time" part.
posted by grumpybear69 at 7:32 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Meh. Whiskey stones are stupid af, but I’d take an impersonal generic “man gift” over ever having to feign enthusiasm for some piece of crap that was purchased specifically with me in mind and totally fucking sucks.

Giving no thought about me as an individual > betraying how much you don’t know me at all.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:33 AM on December 20, 2018 [17 favorites]

I've been missing the annual "hater's guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog" (absent this year for some reason) and this has helped appease the ache.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:36 AM on December 20, 2018 [32 favorites]

As part of the recent house move, we decanted several gifted sets of whiskey stones to the charity shop. We are now down to two sets (one set claim to be gin stones; which is my tipple of choice) as they are occasionally handy but you would think that my husband's family might know what their nephew would like, given that we provide, on their request, wishlists of items that fall inside the family gifting price limit and can generally be purchased fairly easily.
posted by halcyonday at 7:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Could be worse. For most of the last 30 years it's been solidly socks, calendars and chocolate for me. Socks are fine, although please note that at 48 years old I do actually have enough hosiery to fill a large drawer, and that acrylic novelty socks may not be the first I reach for. Also, it's the 21st century, so calendars may not actually get turned to the right page more than twice a year, or indeed hung up. Chocolate I can give to my kids. Whiskey, on the other hand, would be appreciated. I have ice.
posted by pipeski at 7:38 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

i am aware this a new yorker humor piece but i would like this man's girlfriend, her family, and their gifts

so lonely
so, so lonely
posted by entropicamericana at 7:38 AM on December 20, 2018 [42 favorites]

I've been missing the annual "hater's guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog" (absent this year for some reason) and this has helped appease the ache.

That makes me suddenly realize - you could sing "Peppermint Bark" to Fishbone's "Lemon Meringue"

you're on your own for the verses
posted by thelonius at 7:39 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Will gladly accept socks.
posted by Artw at 7:41 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

Ever since the Hyperbole and a Half book, these gifts are mentally labeled "chili pepper gifts" to me. (I don't think that one was published as a webcomic?)

Mine is Things with Cats on Them. I love my cats, so apparently this means I need infinite objects with random cats on them? People don't do this to people with cars or children why cats help
posted by cage and aquarium at 7:41 AM on December 20, 2018 [33 favorites]

FYI the author's name is Monica Heisey.
posted by gauche at 7:43 AM on December 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

another thing: looking back, it was a mistake to get in the habit of drinking whiskey over ice - it makes it too easy to guzzle it when it's cold, to where you're drinking your fifth or sixth unit and the third is just hitting you (alcoholic people problems.....)

"chili pepper gifts"

back in the 90's my Mom gave me every book by or related to Vaclav Havel.....why? I don't think I had ever expressed any particular admiration or connection to him. Not that I wished him any specific harm.
posted by thelonius at 7:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

> I love my cats, so apparently this means I need infinite objects with random cats on them? People don't do this to people with cars or children

If you're known in your family as somebody who has made a hobby out of maintaining a vintage car, sports car, or truck, you can probably resign yourself to receiving tchotchkes with a (vintage/sports/truck) vehicle on it that vaguely resembles yours for at least the rest of your life.
posted by ardgedee at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [17 favorites]

Metafilter: Have ice. Bring whiskey.
posted by AugustWest at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

"Andy and Catherine have been together twelve years. Their freezer is unusable."
posted by gauche at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

I’d take an impersonal generic “man gift” over ever having to feign enthusiasm for some piece of crap that was purchased specifically with me in mind and totally fucking sucks.

Not half an hour ago, I received an office Christmas gift from one of my bosses. He likes to give me books. I will never read these books. This year is no exception, as he gave me John McCain's 'The Restless Wave', full of John's wisdom and advice for Life.

I'm not angry, I'm just confused. I've worked for this boss twelve years now, and... *this* is who you think I am?

I'll take whisky stones, thanks. Better yet, cash. Cash always fits.
posted by Capt. Renault at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [19 favorites]

A Use For Those Dumb Whiskey Stones Someone Gave You. (SPOILER: They can cool tea without diluting it.)
posted by Iridic at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

I only have one set of whisky stones but actively encourage my family to focus on Booze Christmas for the last several years just to escape the hell of getting a pile of crap that I would throw in the trash as soon as I got it home.
posted by briank at 7:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

*spraypaints post-apocalyptic hellscape wall with Beneath the whiskey stones, the beach*
posted by oulipian at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2018 [14 favorites]

Will gladly accept socks.

We had this conversation at work the other day. How all of the things we resented as children (usually given to us by grandparents or third aunts or some such relation), these are now the gifts we most prize and desire. A nice pair of socks or underwear, a warm sweater, some winter gear like gloves and a scarf, these are the things that bring the most joy and warmth.
posted by Fizz at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2018 [17 favorites]

Every year I beg people not to get me anything. I understand that it's the thought that counts, but I have too much stuff! I don't need another t-shirt. It's just going to go in the Goodwill pile. Okay, last year my son bought me a book I quite enjoyed, but mostly the holidays as excuse for late-stage-capitalism orgy of consumption just wears me out.
posted by rikschell at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2018 [18 favorites]

Mine is Things with Cats on Them. I love my cats, so apparently this means I need infinite objects with random cats on them? People don't do this to people with cars or children why cats help

God yes, this is what happened to me both times I had in-laws.
posted by JanetLand at 7:47 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

I've been missing the annual "hater's guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog" (absent this year for some reason) and this has helped appease the ache.

Drew Magary was in some sort of accident two weeks ago resulting in medical issues severe enough that he is not working (Deadspin put him on the injured reserve list) and that he just tweeted yesterday that he is still not dead.
posted by srboisvert at 7:51 AM on December 20, 2018 [27 favorites]

Whiskey stones seem like the man equivalent of body wash or lotion for women.

Do any of you guys need body wash or lotion? Maybe we can set up a trade.
posted by Kutsuwamushi at 7:52 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

I would love to get booze for Christmas. A nice bottle of something that's more than I would normally spend on booze, plus it won't stick around the house forever. Instead, we get a lot of bar tchotchkes (including the whiskey stones, yes) that never get used.

My brother and his wife get us kitchen stuff most years, but since neither of them cook most of what they buy us is unusable. I am learning just how much food prep and serving ware exist that literally can't be used because of how they're decorated (mostly poorly applied toxic paints which are fun).
posted by backseatpilot at 7:53 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

After lugging a sack of accumulated gifted fancy soaps all the way across the country, I finally convinced my wife to get rid of them, since neither of us will use heavy fragrance stuff. She put them up on NextDoor, and they were claimed in minutes.

Clearly the world is full of people Not Like Us.
posted by restless_nomad at 7:54 AM on December 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

I am a unique human being, not a sentient set of flannel sheets carefully tending a leather-scented candle ......

brb

off to google deepmind with a project suggestion
posted by lalochezia at 7:56 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

I'm male, live alone and don't drink or host often. As such, I have about a five year backlog of gifted hard liquor. It's not a bad thing, I just bring a bottle to house parties and people think I'm generous/spendy.
posted by matrixclown at 7:57 AM on December 20, 2018 [31 favorites]

(SPOILER: They can cool tea without diluting it.)

But you're supposed to have the ice dilute the tea!

Ahem. I do enjoy looking at gift guides for ideas now and again, but whiskey stones always struck me as odd. The beau always preferred the oversized ice cubes that melted slowly instead -- the water is important in cocktails! Our favorite was an ice cube made with a bit of liquid smoke added (a TINY bit) so as the drink diluted, the flavor changed. It was really, really good.
posted by PearlRose at 7:57 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

... you can probably resign yourself to receiving tchotchkes with a (vintage/sports/truck) vehicle on it that vaguely resembles yours for at least the rest of your life.

Oh nooooo. I stand corrected, and I'm sorry.
posted by cage and aquarium at 8:00 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

My brother and his wife get us kitchen stuff most years, but since neither of them cook most of what they buy us is unusable. I am learning just how much food prep and serving ware exist that literally can't be used because of how they're decorated (mostly poorly applied toxic paints which are fun).

But this is the perfect opportunity to start to collect all of these items in a specific drawer. Find a label maker and label it something polite like: “Things Steve & Donna Have Given Us That Are Not Useful in the Kitchen” something like that. And let it grow until it consumes this drawer.

5 years later, someone attempts to open the Steve/Donna drawer and it won't budge. It's Christmas and you look on in bemusement: “Oh that drawer no longer works. It is a void of hell, it consumes kitchenware from within.”
posted by Fizz at 8:00 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

I've been missing the annual "hater's guide to the Williams-Sonoma Catalog" (absent this year for some reason)

Drew Magary was knocked out of commission this month by some sort of accident. He seems to be doing okay, but we'll probably have to wait until 2019 for the next round of overpriced table runners and impractical bakeware.
posted by Iridic at 8:01 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

"Andy and Catherine have been together twelve years. Their freezer is unusable."
My freezer is unusable because of ice packs. Like every lunch kit now comes with two huge ice packs and I went on a fun run and got some ice packs for icing injuries. I would ask for a new lunch pack for Christmas, but then it would come with more ice packs. Whiskey stones are just specialized ice packs!

This is how people are dealing with global warming. Freezing stuff themselves.

Also my mom buys me shirts for Christmas that are at least 3X too big. Still. I'm not growing anymore mom.
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:02 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Oh my god yes. If you are going to give me a gift, you are required to know something about me and tailor your choice accordingly. If that's too much to ask, second choice is get me something that I would consume anyway like toilet paper. Or whiskey. Third choice, I am perfectly happy with nothing at all or a donation to The Human Fund in my name or something.

I don't have whiskey stones, either because someone has noticed that I don't take ice with my whiskey or, more likely, everyone is concerned about how much whiskey I drink. But I do wear a lot of bow ties and fancy socks and I can't tell you how many ugly ass clip on bow ties and acrylic novelty socks I take to goodwill every February.

And the worst thing is books. There are certain people who give me a book every single year. Do you know how rare it is to pick out a book for someone that they will actually read?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:03 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

My mom would always spend approximately the same amount, individually, on xmas presents for me, my brother and our spouses. One year, we were all at her house, and I was sitting there watching everyone else unwrap their mountain of gifts (my mom tended to go extravagantly overboard in those days) while I remained more-or-less gift-free, save for a sweater that came from Target.

Then, here came mom with a small box and a "this is so special for me to give you" look on her face. I eagerly unwrapped the gift and found...a 5-inch-tall sheepdog sculpture. It's a very nice sculpture, actually, but it's a sheepdog. I did my best to be surprised and pleased, of course, but the question of "wtf, mom???" was echoing in my head. It turns out, as some point in the year, I had made a passing comment that I liked sheepdogs. I don't recall the context, but she heard it, latched onto it, and made it her grailquest for xmas.

Later, my wife and I mentally totaled-up what mom must have spent on my wife's gifts and, knowing that mom tries to spend the same on each of us, we were gobsmacked at what she must have paid for this little sheepdog.

This is to say, beware of what you say, do, or express even passing interest in, for it will be branded upon you, possibly forever.

I still have the sheepdog, though. Oddly, it's sort of become a fond memory of mom.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [60 favorites]

Do any of you guys need body wash or lotion? Maybe we can set up a trade.

SCENTED CANDLES! I GOT SCENTED CANDLES OVER HERE FOR TRADE!
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 8:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [23 favorites]

Be It Known: I have been appraised about Drew Magary and I wish him the speediest of recoveries.

After lugging a sack of accumulated gifted fancy soaps all the way across the country, I finally convinced my wife to get rid of them, since neither of us will use heavy fragrance stuff. She put them up on NextDoor, and they were claimed in minutes. Clearly the world is full of people Not Like Us.

.....I actually would like fancy soap. As long as it's not super-perfumey or overly-floral, though...

My extended family takes well to Food Gifts, especially my parents whose attitude is "we have enough crap, give us something consumable". And since I live in Brooklyn (which elsewhere I joked was "the land of artisinal bespoke condiments"), I've gotten a lot of gift shopping done by going to foofy food stores and getting fancy-ass jams and tins of coffee and Mike's Hot Honey and stuff like that, and will just make up gift baskets for people. Stumptown, Early Bird Granola and Anarchy In A Jar Jam FTW!
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:06 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

more likely, everyone is concerned about how much whiskey I drink

Getting alcohol paraphernalia every year really made me start wondering what other people think of my drinking habits.
posted by backseatpilot at 8:07 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

many years ago, when I split from a longterm relationship, my partner and I left our 1000+ sq ft. apartment for smaller ~400 sq. ft 1 BRs, and in the downsizing, I took a hardline stance with friends and family on gifts -- if you must give me presents, give me something that I can consume by the time the next birthday or holiday rolls around. Anything that takes up space or adds clutter to my home is not actually a gift. So, chocolate, a coffee subscription, artisanal jams, nice soaps, booze, spa gift certificates -- all of that is great. Satisfying both when I indulge in it and when it's used up.

Now that I've married, and my wife and live in a much bigger place, it's still nice to keep that as a guideline, even if the space isn't as precious anymore. Conversely, a couple of years ago, my wife and I bought my dad a year long subscription to the Berlin Philharmonic Digital Concert Hall and he loves it so much that he just said he'd be happy to have it as a Xmas present every year from now until forever. And as someone for whom gifting is NOT a love language, it's been such a goddamn relief to have this piece of mental load taken off my hands for the foreseeable future.
posted by bl1nk at 8:07 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

I have been asking for "nothing, or a donation to [local charity for the homeless]" to my family for a long, long time.

I have never received either of those things.
posted by notsnot at 8:08 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

Do any of you guys need body wash or lotion? Maybe we can set up a trade.

SCENTED CANDLES! I GOT SCENTED CANDLES OVER HERE FOR TRADE!

....Ooh. this is giving me an excellent idea.

You know how we have the Quonsmas exchange every year, and the MeFi Mall? Maybe we can do something like a MeFi White Elephant Swap after the holidays. I'm envisioning: We post the things we want to get rid of, and whoever is interested can leave a comment claiming it, and the two people work out the handoff in MeMail.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:08 AM on December 20, 2018 [58 favorites]

My family does white elephant/"as seen on TV"/maybe some chocolate gift swaps for the adults. Highly recommend. Anything perishable you don't like, you give away or toss. Anything nonperishable, save for one of the many gift swaps next year (but not the same one unless that's something your family finds funny).

Bodywash and novelty socks are things I neither buy nor want to receive. Most gift-pack lotions are stinky and watery and useless. I have never used a loofah.

Calendars are ok; you can actually use multiple calendars, and my kid likes having one of his own.

I think I would be most impressed with a large bottle of real maple syrup. That shit's expensive, yummy and useful.
posted by emjaybee at 8:11 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I would do a white elephant swap with folks. 100%.
posted by gauche at 8:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

So I had a friend, a good guy, a guy who drinks a lot of scotch, come visit me near the holidays two years ago. He lands and emerges from behind the TSA wall of security. he asks if we can stop at a liquor store on the way home from the airport. I tell him no need, I have plenty. He insists. I am a good host so I abide. We get there and he says, "Wait here." I do. natch. He comes out with a bottle wrapped in that foil-y wrap liquor stores use with a nice couple of red and green ribbons. He hands it to me and says, "Fuckers won't let me fly with a bottle of bourbon. Back in Chicago, there is a very drunk TSA agent drinking your Knob Creek. No way I was going to let him have your gift. So, here. Now open it so we can start drinking."

I love the idea of consumable gifts only. The hard part is in what time frame are you consuming it. Drinking a bottle of bourbon and eating a lot of chocolate in three days has its pluses and minuses.

Love the As Seen on TV idea too. On the way home tonight I am going to stop at the CVS to get my kids each a different as seen on TV gift to add to their pile of gifts.
posted by AugustWest at 8:16 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

Getting alcohol paraphernalia every year really made me start wondering what other people think of my drinking habits.

Same.

I know for a fact that I don't drink heavily (or even moderately) especially whisky. I can make a bottle of single-malt last a year. And yet, once I developed a liking for it, Santa has drowned me in whisky and whisky glasses over the past few years. And, I know he's bringing me more this year (because, "I need a box. This one looks the right size...oops.") At least "Santa" knows my favorite bottle.
posted by Thorzdad at 8:19 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Oh, and seeds! I also have close access to seeds from the Hudson Valley Seed Company, and family members who garden. And I know that they're quality seeds - I gave my parents a packet of their arugula seed in like 2013, they planted it in their garden and somehow it grew so fast that it spread beyond the boundary of the garden and is now popping up here and there in their actual lawn to this day as a very tasty weed. My brother's family has a small garden, so I'll be picking up some seeds for my own small "gift pack".
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

Multi-tools and flashlights. So many multi-tools and flashlights.
posted by rh at 8:24 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

Don't give me whisky stones because most really good whiskey is supposed to be drunk at room temperature but with a tiny splash of water just to cut the anaesthetic effect of the alcohol on your taste buds.

And in what world are people cooling off their hot tea with anything other than milk?

Who even are you people drinking cold whiskey and lukewarm tea?
posted by tobascodagama at 8:24 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

I love this thread. I also! thought - hey I know that Drew Magary is injured and so we are deprived of our annual Williams Sonoma hate-read, but two people had already noted it before I got to the bottom of the thread.

Once I bought whiskey stones for my father in law. I am sure he has never used them.

For years, my partner's family bought me bath products, until I took my sister in law aside (partner and I were not yet married, she was at that point only my boyfriend's brother's wife to me) and said that I felt like they were telling me I was stinky. Now we get unusable gag gifts, plus stuff for the kid that is actually beautiful and useful. Fine.

I went to my first Yankee Swap this year, what a totally weird thing! Culturally, this is Not A Thing My People Do. My eyes had just skipped over that part of the party invitation, so instead of participating I observed, gently marveling.
posted by Lawn Beaver at 8:25 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

For many years I got Looney Tunes themed gifts because I was (still am) a big fan of Chuck Jones & Looney Tunes. And then I hit a point where I was like "please, no. No more."

I'm happy to receive cat-themed gifts. I am a crazy cat guy, doubt that is going to change anytime soon.

My partner's family does "stocking stuffers" - it took me way too long to figure out what to get them this year. I like them all very much, but do not know them well yet. Folks are getting fancy hot chocolate mix or fancy "cocoa tea". Gifting is hard, kids.
posted by jzb at 8:27 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Who even are you people drinking cold whiskey and lukewarm tea?

Hi, my family is from the US South. I have something to introduce you to....
posted by cooker girl at 8:33 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

I have a wishlist full of books, but I don't get many things from it because my mother likes for gifts to be a surprise, so doesn't buy from wishlists, and my mother-in-law is so befuddled by the idea that anyone would want, of all things, a book for Christmas that she carefully goes through the many hundreds of items on my wishlist and buys me every single one that is not a book.
posted by telophase at 8:35 AM on December 20, 2018 [20 favorites]

And I accidentally posted that before the punchline: PEOPLE I AM A LIBRARIAN.
posted by telophase at 8:35 AM on December 20, 2018 [57 favorites]

Gifting is hard! And despite my carping above, I know it's hard, and I appreciate being thought of at all. A generic gift is still a sign that someone thought of me, on some level.

I stress out about giving gifts a lot, and it's all related to being seen and understood and known / vs. / knowing what people want without their having to ask, and being able to see, understand and know others. It's fraught. I get it. It's capitalism PLUS close personal relationships, of course it's fraught.
posted by cage and aquarium at 8:37 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

There was a period of my life during which—perhaps because my birthday falls between Thanksgiving and Valentine’s Day—I received a lot of Christmas records as birthday gifts. Despite being an atheist Jew. At some point, the gift-giving strategy among my friends switched to toy robots, which I like better, but am still a little mystified by.
posted by adamrice at 8:41 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

I loathe gifts. Giving or receiving. I don't know what you want, and I don't want anything. Getting gifts makes me really uncomfortable, giving gifts makes me anxious. Christmas would be horrible if it weren't for the Sierra Nevada Celebration.
posted by uncleozzy at 8:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

I ask my mother and mother-in-law, a little more desperately every year, for gift cards. Or to let me give them a wish list that they can shop from. Please. For the love of god.

It's like my mother has never even MET me. She gets me stuff SHE would like, with zero consideration as to how I decorate my house or what colors I prefer to wear, or anything. Maybe the problem is that I give her things I know she would like, even if I don't care for them. So she thinks that I actually like them even when I don't? I always thought the point of giving gifts was to make the recipient happy, even if the gift I'm giving is something I would set fire to and throw out of a moving car. *shrug*

Took me YEARS to break my husband of the "But I don't LIKE that, why would I give it to my mom?" sentiment. BECAUSE SHE WILL LIKE IT DUH.
posted by cooker girl at 8:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

Wish lists are great. More people should have, and make public, a running wish list of things that they'd like in life. You can put exactly what you want, or just categories of things you'd like, and if you have a bunch of things on a list, you will still be surprised by what you get.

I buy things that I think people would like, throughout the year, and then give them to people on holidays or birthdays as appropriate. I realize that this is an expression of privilege in that I have both the money to buy things and the space to keep them undisturbed. But during the holidays, I often haven't found that special thing for everybody I need to buy a gift for, and I wish that people had a wish list as a fall back.

There's a website called wishlistr which makes this super easy and doesn't lock you into buying things from Amazon.
posted by gauche at 8:48 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

I'm not angry, I'm just confused. I've worked for this boss twelve years now, and... *this* is who you think I am?

I've come to realize people who are otherwise lazy or disinterested in really understanding and knowing you just tend to buy others what they themselves would appreciate or stereotype.

Case in point my mother and my sister always tended to buy me body lotion and feminine clothes when I still lived at home, completely ignoring the stacks of graphic novels, sketchbooks, music of a certain genre, video games, the fact that I wore nothing but band shirts and jeans, etc. in my room. At first I thought it was an intentional message, but no, it's more because they just happened to buy lotion and feminine clothes for themselves and it was easy. I've had partners do the same. So I just started to ask for money or nothing, which feels gross and impersonal, but I'd rather spare myself being offended by receiving something I won't ever use.

When people actually want to take the time to know you it shows in effort and that includes gifts. But that's just my opinion.

Unless they are gag gifts, which are fine too.
posted by Young Kullervo at 8:52 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

The easiest metric for this is, I believe, "What would Ron Swanson do?"
posted by mikelieman at 8:52 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

When I was a teenager, one year, in utter desperation, I literally bought my parents one of these and told them I had no idea what to get them so Merry Christmas.

I actually have no idea what ever happened to it.
posted by Naberius at 9:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

She gets me stuff SHE would like, with zero consideration as to how I decorate my house or what colors I prefer to wear, or anything.

Back in my 20s, when I had my first solo apartment in Chicago, I asked for flannel sheets. Mom passed that on to my grandparents. Who bought me a set of flannel sheets so flower-printed no single 20-something male, gay straight or anything in between, would be caught dead in them. Seriously the ugliest sheets I've ever seen. (I gave them to a charity resale and took myself to Bed Bath & Beyond the next time a coupon came in the mail.)
posted by dnash at 9:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I went to my first Yankee Swap this year, what a totally weird thing!

The only acceptable yankee swap is with gag gifts, with a very low limit on how much to spend. That can be a lot of fun. A "real" Yankee Swap is hell to me -- I don't need this in my life, and I'm baffled by anyone who does.

My wife had to do a Yankee Swap at work and right at the end she lost a thing she might have appreciated for total garbage to a fairly high up manager who only swapped with her because she had taken a thing from someone in their reporting chain. Not even joking, the manager made a big explicit deal about how they didn't even want the thing but were doing it as punishment for my wife (lower level in a parallel org chart) having done the very thing this fucking nightmare of a ritual is supposed to be about. Just, wtf?
posted by tocts at 9:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

Please give me gin. I don’t even care if it’s fancy gin.

I had a party this weekend and every person brought red wine. I don’t drink red wine. No one opened the red wine. I now have 6 bottles of red wine I need to bring to other people’s parties.

Maybe there are only 100 bottles of red wine out there and we all just keep moving them around?
posted by greermahoney at 9:05 AM on December 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

And I accidentally posted that before the punchline: PEOPLE I AM A LIBRARIAN.

Maybe she thinks you can just borrow them from the library?
posted by Automocar at 9:07 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

All of you people who are getting Too Much Whiskey for gifts, please, take advantage of my kind offer to help you out by accepting your excess. I occasionally get a bottle from my dad, but there's space in the cabinet still.

And yes, giving gifts is hard. I struggle mightily with my stepmother. Her tastes are foreign to me, and I'm never sure whether we are hitting it on the nose or getting a clean miss. For my stepmom's part, even after 25+ years, she still hasn't figured out that my wife is not a fan of pink.

My mother-in-law though. If it's tacky (bad tacky, not good tacky) and lowbrow it's probably a winner. The best gift we ever got her? A crockpot emblazoned with NASCAR branding featuring her favorite driver. No joke, she almost cried, and she uses that thing with great regularity. (Pretty sure the grandchild is her actual favorite thing, but the NASCAR crockpot is at least a close second.)
posted by caution live frogs at 9:08 AM on December 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

This literally made me laugh out loud (mint tea hurts when you snort it, y'all), which was much needed this morning. So A++.
posted by joycehealy at 9:09 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Yes please send fancy smartwool socks! Especially if they have cash, booze and/or good flashlights or multitools in them.

I should actually be glad people don't gift me random multitools and flashlights because (just like socke and booze) most of them suck and people understandably don't know enough about them to get passably good ones that aren't crappy impulse buys.

This holds true for almost any specialist hobby. Unless you are a specialist in that hobby yourself it's really difficult to get a get that meets their standards and needs and something that they don't have and actually want.
posted by loquacious at 9:13 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

TIL that some people call White Elephant "Yankee Swap."

The only acceptable yankee swap is with gag gifts,

There is a little more nuance to it than this. I went to a work holiday party where kids were invited. This was before I had kids of my own. My coworker's 5 year old boy drew the dreaded "1" slip -- if he got something good I knew no one would have the heart to swipe something from a 5 year old, but if he got something bad he'd be stuck with it. I watched in horror as he excitedly picked the wrapped enema bottle I brought.

The most heart breaking part was when he asked his mother what it was.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [24 favorites]

Anecdote/2-Centers:

--I have always wondered why someone would add water (or ice--same thing) to a quality whiskey. Especially true of the top shelf stuff. This "waters down" the taste, crafting, aging....

--I have always thought a gift card is the best Christmas (er, PC to say "Holiday" nowadays) gift. Stores these days have gift cards for just about every shop on the planet!

--I was one of those kids who tried to hide my dismay when opening socks for a present. I still get friends/family a pair of crazy socks as a gift (and put a gift card in the box!) to (perhaps cruelly) observe the consternation, then joy.

--Same take with coffee: a good bean with lots of added water, chilled, loads of milk, froth, whipped cream or ::shudders:: decaf is also known as a "Why Bother."

--There are two things I prefer naked: one of them is whiskey....
posted by CrowGoat at 9:15 AM on December 20, 2018

is the other one truth?
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 9:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

Mole rats?
posted by uncleozzy at 9:17 AM on December 20, 2018 [26 favorites]

Roz Doyle has the answer:

Roz: Frasier, have I ever told you about my ceramic hippo
collection?
Frasier: Oh yes, many times.
Roz: The hell I have! Shut up and listen! One Christmas my
Grandma sent me a ceramic hippo...
Frasier: [interrupting] Roz, a hippo cannot possibly be as repellant
as a rabid matador killing an epileptic bull!
Roz: Was the bull wearing a pork-pie hat and fishing off a dock?
Frasier: Continue.
Roz: I made the mistake of telling her how much I loved it.
Well, that just opened the floodgates. I got ice-skating
hippos and hula-hooping hippos. Thank God for that
earthquake.
Frasier: Oh, you mean they broke?
Roz: Well, I assume they did when they hit the bottom of the
garbage chute. But I blamed it on the earthquake.
posted by Paul Slade at 9:21 AM on December 20, 2018 [24 favorites]

When I was a kid I bought one (1) Garfield comic book. The flood of Garfield merch every Christmas started to die down so now my mom trolls thrift stores looking for vintage Garfield crap. Let me tell you the only thing worse than new Garfield crap is old worn Garfield toys from the 80s.
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2018 [15 favorites]

I had a party this weekend and every person brought red wine. I don’t drink red wine. No one opened the red wine. I now have 6 bottles of red wine I need to bring to other people’s parties.

Story of my life. I once had 46 bottles of wine in my house. I do not drink wine.

I now throw parties and specifically say that "You should not bring anything to drink that you cannot yourself consume (unless it's not wine)."

As for gift-giving holidays, I don't participate. When I turned 40, I called every family member and told them they'd had it their way for 40 years, but from now on, I was not giving gifts at Christmas and would appreciate not receiving any.

Holidays are MUCH better the last 10 years.

That said, I'm all for thoughtful gift-giving and receiving. I just don't do it at Christmas. The only thing better than getting a thoughtful gift at random time is out of the blue finding the perfect thing for a specific person.
posted by dobbs at 9:24 AM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

Rather than buy whiskey stones, I went out to my garden, found a few pieces of granite, and ran them through the dishwasher. Voila. Whiskey stones. They're the same damn thing.

Yes, literally, the same damn thing.

And it turns out I like a little ice in my drinks, anyway.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 9:26 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

I have never received either of those things.

Wow, I'm hurt. I've been giving you the first for years and you never even noticed!
posted by praemunire at 9:26 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

Hi, I'm the travel mug guy. People look at me and they think "that guy needs a travel mug." I have a short commute and I already own several travel mugs. I could use a second set of whiskey stones more than I could use another travel mug. The one I've already received so far this year is very nice, though.
posted by prize bull octorok at 9:38 AM on December 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

I think it's really, really hard, the way that gifting culture kind of works at the level of income where everyone can kind of afford everything that they would be able to buy at a low level anyway.

Like: most of the people who are torn by this are at the level of income where if they want a nice tchotchke they can buy it for themselves on Month 4 of the year, rather than waiting for someone to give it to them on Month 12. The only things that are truly nice gifts are things they like but have never heard of or couldn't find (SUPER hard) or things that are expensive, which most people can't afford, or can't afford at a giftgiving exchange.
posted by corb at 9:44 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

Better yet, cash. Cash always fits.

One time I was explaining to my coworkers why they should invite me to their weddings, and I told them I always give the perfect gift: rectangular papers with pictures of dead presidents on them.

They gave me funny looks and were just like "uh, you draw?"

I had to clarify that I meant cash. I was invited to 2 out of the 3 weddings so mission accomplished.
posted by Emmy Rae at 9:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [11 favorites]

Giving no thought about me as an individual > betraying how much you don’t know me at all.
More people should have, and make public, a running wish list of things that they'd like in life.
My very few relatives were terrible at gifts, until I trained them into something that combined the two principles above.
Flannel Pajamas, Slippers, Bathrobe, Wallet, Hardcover Book with Return Receipt/Bookstore Gift Card. Rotate Annually.
These are all exceedingly convenient to shop for. So I require no thought or care come Xmas. And I can throw out last year's version and trade in for a fresh one each winter.
Someone doubles up or gets the rotation wrong? Everyone does? Oh no, now I have 'too many pajamas', whatever shall I do? No such thing, I just do laundry less often. (well OK, I do have half a shoebox full of unused wallets, fine. But it was just the one year and it made for a hilarious opening session)
Feeling spendy, want to do kinship labor, or want to stand out in some way that year? Get me the Hammacher Schlemmer Worlds Thickest Bathrobe that weighs 8lbs and costs a fortune, or note with a wink that you've been keeping track of me in a special book and that this is definitely a Pajama Year, or get me a ridiculous gag book or a dozen of those Penguin Mini Editions, each individually wrapped.
Or don't. A pair of cheap generic department-store men's slippers and to hell with me, you're still mad I ate the last drumstick at Thanksgiving. I get the message but you also still love me.
I'm telling you, get a list of things you can replace annually, and make that your wishlist / whiskey stones or 'thing with ducks on it, he likes ducks' or bacon-themed crap. Train 'em into that and you'll have beaten Xmas for yourself - and for the people who give you gifts - for life.
posted by bartleby at 9:47 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

I'm going to seek out the ft store whiskey stones. Seems like they would make great pattern weights!
posted by vespabelle at 9:48 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

If you are an adult with a reasonable income, it makes no sense to buy something for you. There are two options, both bad: 1. Get you something that you're really interested in. 2. Get you something that I'm really interested in.

If there's something you're really interested in, you're already an expert in it and know what the best stuff is and probably already own it. Anything I get you will be disappointing, because I'm not an expert in it. I'll want to give you the best, but end up giving you something second-rate.

If I get you something I'm really interested in, I'll get you the best. I'm the expert. And you won't care.

Seriously, just give cookies.
posted by clawsoon at 9:49 AM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

No seriously send flashlights and whiskey, the power went out due to windstorm about three hours ago.
posted by loquacious at 9:53 AM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

I like whisky. I do not want rocks in it. It does not need to be chilled. I would like to have a lot of whisky stones. I plan to tile the shower with slate, and they would make a dandy accent.

I also like wine, red especially, but also white, and you are welcome to send me bourbon, wine, whisky stones. Not socks, I have plenty.

My favorite awful gift was a resin figure of a pregnant woman wearing a baby on board figure. I believe it was intended to be a Christmas tree ornament. I was pregnant at the time, ad it was impressively un-ornamental. I saved it and gave it to my then daughter-in-law when she was pregnant because, Tradition.
posted by theora55 at 9:55 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Riffing on Graeber's Debt, I have concluded that gift-giving performs the same role in our society that it does in the societies he describes. It is most important that you remove the price tag, because that creates a debt of unclear value which can never be precisely repaid. Debts maintain relationships. Repaying a debt down to the penny ends a relationship; it is a way of saying that you no longer wish to be entangled with someone.

I'm not sure how whiskey stones fit into this, but I'm sure they fit somewhere.
posted by clawsoon at 9:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [21 favorites]

Mine is Things with Cats on Them.

For years, my mom bought me gifts with frogs on them. Why? Because I once bought a single soapstone carving of a frog while on vacation. I thought it looked cool. Somehow, she decided this meant I loved all things frog. I finally had to say something. Thankfully, we all laughed about it.

As for whisky stones...I've got two sets. I occasionally even use them, but two sets it one and 2/3 sets too many. Each set has nine stones, but I only ever use three at a time and by the time I need them again, those first three have already been frozen and rechilled.

I think, once, and only once, I used three, finished the drink and poured myself a second with another three, still frozen, whisky stones.

In conclusion, whisky stones are a fun novelty but I barely need one set, let alone two.
posted by asnider at 10:01 AM on December 20, 2018

I had an ex who thought I was impossible to buy gifts for. I guess they were dedicated to the idea of surprising me or something? Because I feel like I am INCREDIBLY easy to please:

1) Books that I have specifically said I want
2) A gift certificate to someplace that sells books so I can get books I want
3) If you think I might like anything else, ask (usually I'll prefer books, but the stained glass making lessons were a really nice idea)
posted by kyrademon at 10:01 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

Multi-tools and flashlights. So many multi-tools and flashlights.

Father-in-law gave us a tactical flashlight one year. I had to google what makes a flashlight tactical. Turns out it doubles as something you can hit people with.

Now I am curious what kind of marriage he thinks his daughter is part of.

It is useful though. I use it to see if the cat has crapped in her covered litter box down a long poorly lit hall. I consider that tactical.
posted by srboisvert at 10:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [16 favorites]

This holds true for almost any specialist hobby. Unless you are a specialist in that hobby yourself it's really difficult to get a get that meets their standards and needs and something that they don't have and actually want.

Agreed, but a thoughtful gift, the right gift, creates a feeling that is unmatched in my experience.

This summer I left a job that I really liked because my wife got a fantastic job in another state, and I got two of the nicest gifts I've ever received. A few months earlier I had a conversation with a co-worker during which I let it slip that my standard cocktail was a Manhattan. A different co-worker noticed that I always used a fountain pen. They gave me a Manhattan set (in this case bourbon, bitters, and sweet vermouth), two very nice heavy-bottomed tumblers with my initials on them, and a beautiful green Noodler's Ahab.

It was the first time in my adult life that I've understood what it means to feel "seen" without also feeling threatened.
posted by gauche at 10:04 AM on December 20, 2018 [35 favorites]

It sounds like we need a January MeFite gift exchange where we announce the gifts we don't want and try to exchange for something we do.

However I must say upfront that the cash my parents give me every year (they are also dead president pic enthusiasts) is NOT up for exchange, no matter how many whiskey stones you offer me.
posted by Emmy Rae at 10:06 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

I would happily participate in a January gift trade! An excellent idea.
posted by lucy.jakobs at 10:09 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

clawsoon, re: the Graeber book idea. I think this is why in my family circle, The Matriarch had two absolute family etiquette rules, one of which was that straight cash gifts were absolutely forbidden: how could you just give someone 'here, this is the dollar amount I appreciate you'? Unthinkable (and inconvenient for everyone else)!
posted by bartleby at 10:10 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

One of Tom’s sets is personalized, I guess so that when he consumes whiskey he can think to himself, “What are my initials?” and have the answer right there.

If he tends to consume enough whiskey that he forgets his own name, those might actually be handy.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:11 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Incidentally, "Whisk(e)y Stone Clochán" is the name of my new Celtic band.
posted by Greg_Ace at 10:12 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

--I have always thought a gift card is the best Christmas (er, PC to say "Holiday" nowadays) gift. Stores these days have gift cards for just about every shop on the planet!

Store Gift cards are a little bit terrible. They lock you into a particular store. So they are like money but less useful. You pretty much have to spend more than card to extract the full paid value of the card because otherwise you are gifting the store the residual amount. They often have expiry dates and/or fees if they are unused for a certain length of time. They add volume and weight to your wallet. When they are used up they have stretched your wallet card slot and now there is no card in there so your other cards are loose.
posted by srboisvert at 10:13 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

We did a white elephant beer bottle exchange at a "Friends of the local brewery" Christmas party last weekend. Nobody brought a gag bottle of PBR - it was all high-quality craft beers and a lot of fun. A whiskey white elephant party would work well too.
posted by COD at 10:15 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

My immediate family uses wish lists for both birthdays and Christmas. It takes the pressure off gift-giving -- you keep an eye out throughout the year for possible gifts but can supplement with list selections if you're stuck. The lists are generally big enough that the recipient doesn't know what they're getting. Only downside for me is I have an early November birthday, so if I put a book on my list I can't really buy it for the last quarter of the year in case it's picked from the list.

My extended family on my mom's side draws names so that you only get gifts for one other person. Every year without fail, no matter who has my name, I get 12-24 Midwestern craft beers, which is great except for having to haul them back to Oregon.
posted by bassooner at 10:22 AM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

Debts maintain relationships. Repaying a debt down to the penny ends a relationship; it is a way of saying that you no longer wish to be entangled with someone.

This is a really wonderful insight and I thank you for sharing it.
posted by gauche at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

I love my cats, so apparently this means I need infinite objects with random cats on them? People don't do this to people with cars or children

Try taking up beekeeping. I have SO MUCH BEE JEWELRY now, 0% of which was purchased by me.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

So many people hating on getting books. I love getting books. Do I just have people who are better at book-picking that give me gifts?
posted by wellifyouinsist at 10:23 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

They often have expiry dates and/or fees if they are unused for a certain length of time.
In the US, gift cards have to be good for at least 5 years.
posted by soelo at 10:26 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

They often have expiry dates and/or fees if they are unused for a certain length of time.
In the US, gift cards have to be good for at least 5 years.

In Massachusetts it's 7 years, and if the card does not come with a specified expiry date on it, it never expires.
posted by briank at 10:29 AM on December 20, 2018

Perhaps now is the time to tell about my holiday tradition with my friends:

Mer-Re-Gift-Mas
Merregiftmas is celebrated shortly after new years day.
All attendees must bring something that they were actually given as a gift. They may be opened or unopened. Worn or unworn. (Partially eaten or uneaten food gifts should go on the potluck table and kept out of the swap. Totally eaten food gifts should not be brought to the party.)

The exchange happens in typical White Elephant fashion.
posted by rebent at 10:30 AM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

I ... I ... bought my brother and my Dad whiskey stones for Christmas.

I found a bottle of whiskey that happens to share its name with their son/grandson, so I bought it for them, because sometimes in the evening they'll have a drink together and I think it's a nice little ritual. Usually they drink very expensive rum, but I thought they might try whiskey given the name thing. And then I wanted something a little more substantial and gifty than a bottle to go with it, but they already have really nice rocks glasses, so I bought the whiskey stones.

Now I kind of feel like an asshole. Was I supposed to know this was the cliche of all cliche gifts?
posted by jacquilynne at 10:31 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

another thing: looking back, it was a mistake to get in the habit of drinking whiskey over ice - it makes it too easy to guzzle it when it's cold, to where you're drinking your fifth or sixth unit and the third is just hitting you (alcoholic people problems.....)

posted by thelonius at 7:45 AM on December 20 [3 favorites +] [!]

So I guess you could say you drink it.... Straight, no Chaser?

I'm sorry, it seemed important.
posted by stet at 10:32 AM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

The exception is getting whisky stones from your sister.
posted by AugustWest at 10:33 AM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

This is exactly why I loathe Christmas. People expect mind-reading and if you happen to be not great at that, they incorrectly conclude that you don't care about them and/or didn't spend hours wracking your brain about what on earth they might like.

Just because I know someone likes soccer, mystery novels, cooking, dogs and video games, it doesn't mean I would actually be able to think of something in any of those categories that they would like or use. And no, I don't want any more useless crap either, because everyone else sucks at buying presents for me too, including the people who think they're amazing at it, and including the people who ask what I want and then don't get any of it. But that's what Christmas is all about - wasting money on useless crap. Ughhhhh. I try every year to get people to opt out, but everyone else likes the useless crap exchange for some reason....
posted by randomnity at 10:33 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

People seem to think it's weird that my immediate family still does Christmas lists even though we kids are now 26 and 31. This thread is the reason I scoff at those people.
posted by showbiz_liz at 10:36 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Now I kind of feel like an asshole. Was I supposed to know this was the cliche of all cliche gifts?

you're fine. don't listen to people whose livelihood depends on finding new things to snark about on the internet.
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:36 AM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

This rings so true.

My partner's family has gifted him with whiskey stones, a tiny wooden barrel for aging whiskey, whiskey glasses, and so on . . . never mind that whiskey has never been his preferred alcohol. I think the whiskey stones are now buried underneath a mountain of frostbitten food littering the bottom of our freezer.

About themed calendars -- thankfully, since my office is tech-related, no one gives out calendars as work gifts. But back in the '90s and early '00s, I was given SO MANY cat and kitten-themed calendars. (Despite not having any cats at the time.)
posted by Annabelle74 at 10:39 AM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

jacquilynne, I've never heard of them until this thread. Your gift sounds thoughtful and appropriate.
posted by Emmy Rae at 10:39 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

People seem to think it's weird that my immediate family still does Christmas lists even though we kids are now 26 and 31.

My wife is of the mind that you should know the person and put thought into it, so I try to honour that when I buy her gifts (with mixed success). Everyone else on my side of the family, though, exchanges lists. Going off-list is fine, and the lists are usually vague enough that you don't know exactly what you'll get (like, I might ask for scotch, but won't ask for a very specific type). It makes things so much easier for everyone, while still maintaining enough of an element of surprise that it's fun to open the gifts on Christmas morning.

Usually, my mom emails everyone sometime in September to ask for lists, because she's the type to start shopping early.
posted by asnider at 10:40 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

> Oh nooooo. I stand corrected, and I'm sorry.

No apologies needed, I'm not an automotive aficionado. I just, uh, was at one time the well-intentioned yet not-thoughtful-enough acquaintance of one.

But I think there's probably a rule of thumb in there that anybody who becomes known among their family and friends as a dedicated hobbyist of some particular thing runs the risk of being tagged as the worthy recipient of useless gifts related to that thing for approximately forever.
posted by ardgedee at 10:41 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Once my sister sent a 2-item gift registry to me, our other sister, and her husband. It wasn't near any gift-giving occasion. So then I guess it was a race to find out who the top two gift givers were. If memory serves her husband bought both items and then found more items in a similar vein on ebay, so we lost by a large margin.
posted by Emmy Rae at 10:45 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

I keep an Amazon wishlist and a wishlist on PaperbackSwap because I do not expect anyone, including my husband, to know what I want as a gift. My problem is still my birthday - I have two people who insist on overbuying and only one even looks at my wish list. I wear a women's size 10 shoe, so those socks will not fit me. We have 3 boxes of candles. I have triple digits of books (quadruple digits of ebooks) and my kitchen and game cupboards are full.
posted by soelo at 10:46 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

But I think there's probably a rule of thumb in there that anybody who becomes known among their family and friends as a dedicated hobbyist of some particular thing runs the risk of being tagged as the worthy recipient of useless gifts related to that thing for approximately forever.

For a while, with me, it was tea. I am still working through a gift set of tea that my brother got for me sometime in like 2003.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:55 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Multi-tools and flashlights. So many multi-tools and flashlights.

And you will never be able to find ANY of them when the lights go out/you need whatever you need a multi-tool for.
posted by emjaybee at 10:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Store Gift cards are a little bit terrible.

Oh my god yes. What you're saying is "I couldn't (or chose not to) think of something you'd like, but I am compelled to participate in capitalism because of reasons so here you go. Obligation fulfilled." Really, gift cards mean we are at the end of human civilization. Is it really so bad to not spend money if the ideal gift idea for someone didn't come to you? I still remember that really thoughtful thing you did or gave me 3 years ago and this iTunes gift card sort of diminishes that.

That having been said, I would love it if my parents would do gift cards. They are never going to not give me a gift despite how many times I've politely asked them not to. My folks are epically bad gift givers. Like, when the box arrives, my wife and I know to brace ourselves. One year, I kid you not, they did all of their Christmas shopping from Sky Mall.

One Christmas, early on in our relationship, I had to explain this to my wife before she opened a carefully packed and shipped box addressed to her. My parents had just returned from an RV trip to New England. My wife cautiously peaked inside the box and then fell on the floor laughing. It was a pair of his and her matching Vermont Teddy Bears dressed as doctors with our names stitched on the coats. We are both doctors and were in our mid 30s at the time.
posted by Slarty Bartfast at 11:02 AM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

The problem seems to be that people don't want to give a generic gift, so they latch onto something (anything) to personalise it, and if that something is once, years ago, you mentioned liking cats/pigs/frogs or whatever, you are stuck with that forever. Despite the fact that a generic gift, especially an edible one, would be far preferable.

My gift bugbear is scarves - I do usually wear a scarf, but I also make and sell the damn things, and have a suitcase containing about 100 of them. Oh, and bloody scented candles.
posted by Fuchsoid at 11:05 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Store Gift cards are a little bit terrible.

Gift cards are probably pretty great for people on a tight budget, though. Go buy something you really need or want, instead of accepting this talking bass on a plaque - what's not to like?
posted by thelonius at 11:06 AM on December 20, 2018

> I know for a fact that I don't drink heavily (or even moderately) especially whisky. I can make a bottle of single-malt last a year.

Me too, but the nice thing is that the bottle(s) do a good job of classing up your joint while you slowly empty them.
posted by The Card Cheat at 11:11 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Sys Rq: "Giving no thought about me as an individual > betraying how much you don’t know me at all."

Look, I said I was sorry. I really thought you would like an 18 foot inflatable Grinch.
posted by Chrysostom at 11:13 AM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Gift cards are great for people who actually need things or have not already saturated their lives with the detritus of late-stage capitalism (college students, new parents, etc). Less so for those of us who are already tightly bound to the material world with crap we never needed in the first place.

Also, $25 chain restaurant gift cards are the ultimate passive aggressive dick gift.
posted by prize bull octorok at 11:14 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

Pro tip: If you're on facebook, your area may have a Buy Nothing group for swapping stuff. We've got rid of a bunch of stuff that way, and someone gets use out of it!
posted by Chrysostom at 11:19 AM on December 20, 2018

My son and I used my whiskey stones as ammo in his mini trebuchet. What they failed in as a beverage accessory they succeed fantastically as siege projectiles against plastic Orcs.
posted by You Stay 'Ere An Make Sure 'E Doesn't Leave at 11:25 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

People seem to think it's weird that my immediate family still does Christmas lists even though we kids are now 26 and 31

I got a list from my 24-year-old son with 10 books on it. He is getting all 10 - most purchased used - none purchased from Amazon - for double liberal karma reward points. My grad student daughter's list included the note, "no tshirts or hoodies, I have plenty."

Lists are good.
posted by COD at 11:25 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

It was a pair of his and her matching Vermont Teddy Bears dressed as doctors with our names stitched on the coats.

See, I would think that was kind of sweet and cute.
posted by tavella at 11:32 AM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

I'm surprised that people think getting gifts of alcohol means relatives think they have problems with alcohol. The relative that has A Problem is definitely not someone I give liquor to (or candles, which they would love, lest they burn their damn house down).

Also, the NASCAR crockpot story is the sweetest thing I have heard all year.
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 11:44 AM on December 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

My sister and I saw each other over Thanksgiving and went to get some Christmas shopping done, and in addition to picking out things for our parents, we each found a couple of things we liked and then made a huge show of going "oh, THIS is cool, I would LOVE to get something like this for Christmas! Anyway, I'm gonna turn my back and walk over to the other side of the store now..." It was fun and now I know I got her some stuff she'll really like.

(Yeah, yeah, late stage capitalism boo hiss grinch and all that, but I'm genuinely surprised by how many people here seem to hate the very concept of giving and receiving gifts to express affection.)
posted by showbiz_liz at 11:53 AM on December 20, 2018 [13 favorites]

I love the concept of giving and receiving gifts for, like, the two weeks after Thanksgiving, when I enjoy walking around stores with twinkly lights and drinking peppermint mochas and thinking this is the year I get everyone I love the Best Gift Ever, and buy it early enough to wrap it myself and ship it. By this point in the season I'm reduced to exhaustion and anxiety, hoping that I somehow haven't Ruined Everything Forever, stress-buying fancy sausages and grumbling about $9 gift wrapping charges. Like, I'm pretty sure I bought my brother the same thing he bought me a couple of years ago, but I'd forgotten until after I ordered it, and I think he might have a better version of it already, come to think of it, and now I've Ruined Christmas...
posted by Tentacle of Trust at 11:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [9 favorites]

The only acceptable yankee swap is with gag gifts,

At one fun workplace in my past, competition to come up with the favorite (i.e., most difficult to hold on to) gift for the annual swap was fierce. My best/most popular contribution was Working with Difficult People, which traded hands multiple times before it reached a woman who truly had the most difficult boss in the department. Despite it's former popularity, the group reached an unspoken agreement to let her keep it.
posted by she's not there at 11:59 AM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

I am only juuuust recovering from being destitute. I will take ALL of these much despised gift-card gifts you speak of, eat ALL the fried chicken at chain restaurants for free, and pretend I am a fancy lass living high on the hog (with angina).
posted by the liquid oxygen at 12:02 PM on December 20, 2018 [14 favorites]

Totally eaten food gifts should not be brought to the party.

I mean, that one's hard to police, I'd think. Just don't LEAVE totally eaten food gifts.
posted by hanov3r at 12:29 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

Counter-counterpoint: Know your audience. My spouse and I regularly exchange generic coffee shop gift cards. Hell, on our anniversary we gave each other identical gift cards to the same place, which is absurd. However, for us it's also a tacit promise to go out together to a coffee shop and write. It means something to the recipients then.

There's Team Gift Card and Team Cash is Evil and pro- and anti-homemade gift factions and Team Oh Not Another Thing In This House Or I'll Scream. It's a marvelous tapestry of joy and stress.
posted by cage and aquarium at 12:36 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

(Yeah, yeah, late stage capitalism boo hiss grinch and all that, but I'm genuinely surprised by how many people here seem to hate the very concept of giving and receiving gifts to express affection.)

Man do I not want to be the 'There's A Reason For The Season' guy, but I do think that the secularizing of Christmas in particular has definitely affected its increase in consumerism, and I think that as I de-secularize it in my own life, I worry less about whether we have the perfect presents and have a lot less anxiety.

I don't mean that people Need To Be Religious, but I do think there's a difference between a holiday that happens to include giving and receiving gifts to show you love them, and a holiday that is about the gifts you receive. Like - my mother is getting me an absolute white elephant of a gift this year, it is incredibly expensive for her and she has thought so hard about it and it will just not be that much of a 'yay' for me. But what is meaningful for me is that she has worked so hard to figure out the gift that she thinks will be the Nicest Gift She Could Get Me. It doesn't matter if she 'really knows me', I don't expect that of anyone except myself and potentially my spouse. What matters is that she loves me and is trying her best. The gift is the love and the effort.

That's why gift cards and things chosen off lists feel somewhat empty - because when you do that, you're exchanging money for a gift that you didn't have to spend much mental effort on. You're not scouring shops looking for the perfect gift, focusing your time and attention on your loved one - you're exchanging money for it, and keeping the thing that's in increasingly short supply, which is time, for yourself, and really only enriching the stores.
posted by corb at 12:38 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

It may be gimmicky, but every few years my underwear, undershirts and socks need to get retooled.

After a bunch of years, I'm walking away from my preferred socks. As a family, we went full Bombas this year (every sock you buy also buys a pair of hipster socks for the someone in need in brooklyn). So *everybody* is getting socks from us, because most folks don't need a useless gift from us. At a minimum, we've donated a pair of socks to someone in need in your name. Post that, my wife started making soap about 2 years ago, so she sends out a bit of soap and body lotion, and we'll make 3-4 varieties of chocolate bark for folks.

So, if you get socks, lotion, soap and bark from us this year - know we think of you like family.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:39 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

every few years my underwear, undershirts and socks need to get retooled.

How many repeated patchings can they stand? Wouldn't it be easier to just buy new ones?
posted by Greg_Ace at 12:43 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'm one of those weirdos who loves giving gifts. If I had a big house, I'd probably have a gift-wrapping closet/room. I love thinking of perfect things (or at least things I perceive to be perfect) and wrapping them just so and imagining their surprise and delight upon receipt. It's one of my love languages. I even make gift cards pretty, even though I try to not buy them because to me it feels like punting because I have too-high expectations for myself.

Running contrary to all of that is that I love getting gift cards. I will take those Sephora gift cards all day, any day of the year, yes please and thank you. I maintain wishlists, but hate telling people exactly what to buy me. I value the experience and anticipation of not knowing what's in the box!
I love Secret Santa/Quonsar, white elephants and all that nonsense. You could give me a box of bows and ribbons and I'd be like "THIS IS AMAZING".

Gifting culture is hard, yo.
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:45 PM on December 20, 2018 [8 favorites]

How many repeated patchings can they stand? Wouldn't it be easier to just buy new ones?

Think of it like the backbone of the airline ticketing system... its such a critical system - everything would grind to a halt if something unexpected happened.

On a side note, my wife and I also briefly considered giving folks the gift of monogrammed towels wrapped around VCRs this past year.
posted by Nanukthedog at 12:49 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Some gift card gifts are lazy and impersonal, some gift card gifts are thoughtful and loving. It depends on the combination of the gift card and the recipient.

When your boss gives everyone a Starbucks card regardless of whether they hate coffee or go to Starbucks every day or love coffee so much that they only buy it from the one fair trade hipster coffee shop, that's impersonal.

When a grandmother gives her teenage granddaughter a VISA gift card that she can use at any store she goes to with her friends when they hang out at the mall (note: teenagers probably don't hang out at the mall anymore but I am old), then that is thoughtful. It is essentially an experience gift and the experience is shopping.
posted by jacquilynne at 12:49 PM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

My parents said they were thinking of giving to charity instead of buying presents this year and I could have kissed them. PLEASE, yes, oh my gosh. We all have whatever we want, and our houses are full of stuff.
posted by corvikate at 1:02 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

telophase And I accidentally posted that before the punchline: PEOPLE I AM A LIBRARIAN.
automocar: Maybe she thinks you can just borrow them from the library?

I reject that hypothesis because the Christmas she was forced to give me a book because I had nothing else on my wishlist, she tucked money inside it so I could buy myself a nice gift.
posted by telophase at 1:08 PM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

I'm surprised that people think getting gifts of alcohol means relatives think they have problems with alcohol.

It's less the alcohol itself and more the accoutrements. Nice bottle of whiskey? Great! Special glass to put that whiskey in? Eh... sure. Once you start getting in to, like, specialized tooling for drinking whiskey then it just begins to feel like my family considers me an insufferable ass about all things whiskey.

Except for the whiskey bib, since they already know I'm a sloppy drunk.
posted by backseatpilot at 1:20 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Coincidental example of my point above, a friend of mine just posted on Facebook:

"My boss just gave me the best gift I've gotten in recent memory!" with a picture of a gift card.

The gift card was for a super beloved local restaurant/kitchen supply store where lots of people who are into cooking love to spend time just looking at whatever is new and interesting. She's a lawyer, but a former chef and major foodie. It's possible her boss could have bought her something at the store that she'd really love, but not as much as she'll love the opportunity to go to the store and buy something herself.
posted by jacquilynne at 1:50 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

I'd like to think that I've "perfected" the routine gift & homemade item & charity donation for my family, though I'm sure that someone could grouse that I haven't purchased a unique item for each one of them. It basically covers all of the parents, and grandparents, and aunts/uncles.
This year it's:
homemade pinecone birdfeeders, partially made by Little Purr
a local holiday ornament that is put out every year
a card + "honorary purchase" of a heifer international animal, chosen by Little Purr
Annual photo of little purr
something knitted by me- I've gone bonkers this year with knitting, and have managed to put out 3 hats in 3 days this week, so I'm not sure what will happen next year (scarves for everyone?). My doofusy brother is getting (itchy) wool slippers, because that's what he said he wanted.

The kid cousins get an additional toy gift, and the people my age get gift cards or little gag gifts, but it keeps my sanity to do routine gifts that can cover a lot of people. I am very relieved that Big Purr's parents told the cousins on their side that we aren't doing a gift exchange for them, because they barely talk to each other, and it seemed like the exchange was just an exercise in empty consumerism.

We're trying to encourage Little Purr to help with gift-giving, but they are uninterested in thinking about what big people want, and use toy shopping as an excuse in finding more items that they want for Christmas. At least making things and choosing charity items is something that they can help with, and maybe thinking of others will sink in? I actually think that the Animal Crossing game does a better job of showing reciprocity than Christmas right now.
posted by Hermeowne Grangepurr at 1:58 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

> I wear a women's size 10 shoe, so those socks will not fit me

Yes! Size 11 here, and "one size fits most" does not apply. In fact I am larger in all directions than I look, I guess, given how rarely the clothing I'm given fits. Even my husband, who looks me straight in the eye when we talk, has bought me clothing that is too small more often than not. We have been married since the 20th century; how has he not noticed that we're the same height?

I love chocolate and eat chocolate every day and love the thought of being given chocolate, but people give me dark chocolate. I don't like dark chocolate, and it can even make my mouth burn a little because of oral allergy syndrome. But again, there is something about me that makes people think I am a dark chocolate person. I think I go on about my love of milk chocolate a bit much but maybe one year it will sink in.

Dark chocolate is my whisky stones, I guess.
posted by The corpse in the library at 2:09 PM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

an extreme case of "why all the cat|frog|hippo|car tchotchkes?!?!?!?": for a couple of years I was studying a particular fossorial rodent, one with a much smaller fan club than naked mole rats. The attempts of one relative to find me species-specific gifts were (a) kindly, (b) doomed, (c) hilarious. The only specific ones were wargame miniatures of the rodents in armor, standing up, brandishing glaive-guisarmes. Temperamentally spot-on for the creatures, scientifically embarassing.
posted by clew at 2:12 PM on December 20, 2018 [10 favorites]

One year, I kid you not, they did all of their Christmas shopping from Sky Mall.

I mean, I wish my parents would buy me one of those garden zombies ...
posted by tocts at 2:24 PM on December 20, 2018

whiskey bib

Then all you need is some matching Beer Goggles.
posted by Greg_Ace at 2:47 PM on December 20, 2018 [3 favorites]

Even my husband, who looks me straight in the eye when we talk, has bought me clothing that is too small more often than not. We have been married since the 20th century; how has he not noticed that we're the same height?

Give him the Christmas gift of a little laminated wallet-size card with all your measurements printed on it. Bonus points if you give him the box only after unwrapping something that doesn't fit you.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:59 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Totally eaten food gifts should not be brought to the party.

This reminds me of a white elephant gift I read about years ago and hope to use if the opportunity presents before I leave this vale of tears—a box of fancy-pants chocolates with a little nibble from each piece exposing the filling.
posted by she's not there at 4:32 PM on December 20, 2018

TFW you're the only southpaw in the family.
posted by ElGuapo at 4:47 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

Every year my MIL sends us some cat-related gift, accompanied by a passive aggressive comment about how our cats are probably the only grandchildren we’ll ever give her.

I think we’d prefer whiskey stones.
posted by imalaowai at 5:02 PM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

Every year my MIL sends us some cat-related gift, accompanied by a passive aggressive comment about how our cats are probably the only grandchildren we’ll ever give her.

My mom doesn't give us cat related gifts anymore, but has kept up the same comment tradition.
posted by thefoxgod at 5:10 PM on December 20, 2018 [4 favorites]

the fact that easily accessible public gift wishlists exist and people still refuse to use them because they think it's somehow "too impersonal" to buy people gifts that they've specifically stated they would like to receive is proof that the planet is right to try to kill us
posted by poffin boffin at 5:49 PM on December 20, 2018 [6 favorites]

“Passing a whiskey stone” just popped into my head and, well, now you have it.
posted by Artw at 5:56 PM on December 20, 2018 [7 favorites]

the fact that easily accessible public gift wishlists exist and people still refuse to use them because they think it's somehow "too impersonal" to buy people gifts that they've specifically stated they would like to receive is proof that the planet is right to try to kill us

"You're so hard to buy for! I have no idea what you like!"
"Here is a hand-curated list of things I like."
"That's so IMPERSONAL."
posted by Ghostride The Whip at 6:34 PM on December 20, 2018 [12 favorites]

For a couple of years now Cardpool has saved me from wasting the generously-given gift cards to places where I will never shop or eat. Have I told the gift givers? #heckno
posted by datawrangler at 7:16 PM on December 20, 2018

“Passing a whiskey stone” just popped into my head and, well, now you have it.

i did not consent to this gift, please take it back
posted by XtinaS at 7:18 PM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

That drunken moment when you tip back the glass to get every last drop of Jim Beam and the whiskey stones hit you in the face.

Worse is remembering this problem, avoiding it by carefully sliding the stones into contact with your face as you gradually tip the glass to empty it, entirely uninjured, successful... then putting the glass down too quickly and having it smash when the stones crash down into the bottom of the glass.

Whiskey stones suck. That shit should be served room temperature anyway, unadulterated except for optionally a splash of water (especially if it's cask strength).
posted by Dysk at 7:22 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

a particular fossorial rodent

How dare you pique my curiosity without delivering! Which one I must know. Mountain degu? Jerboa? Tuco-tuco? Damaraland mole-rat?

(Turns out there are a lot of burrowing rodents around the world. Who knew? Also just look at these crazy things what the heck even.)
posted by traveler_ at 9:29 PM on December 20, 2018 [5 favorites]

SNL: The Christmas Candle
posted by bendy at 11:10 PM on December 20, 2018 [1 favorite]

During my childhood, I got a shoebox's worth of bookmarks.

My (59-year-old) uncle is so cheap that he wears two pairs of tube socks at a time so he can rotate them and avoid the holes. His older sister buys him underwear and socks every Christmas.
posted by bendy at 11:22 PM on December 20, 2018 [2 favorites]

traveler_, some things must remain buried. With surprisingly sophisticated ventilation, stercoraries, food caches, and anti-snake defense geometry, but buried all the same. But yes, the variety of fossorial rodents is amazing. They went underground as separate species, as a response to the spread of grasslands, so are a lovely evolutionary example of solving similar problems in different ways.
posted by clew at 11:29 AM on December 21, 2018

"I'm Benedict Cumberbatch and today I'm going to give an acting masterclass on how to react to a really s*** present"
posted by daybeforetheday at 3:23 PM on December 21, 2018

Dark chocolate is my whisky stones, I guess.

One Christmas recently we were given milk chocolate made on equipment with tree nuts. I'm extremely lactose intolerant and my daughter has nut allergies. If we get that again, I'll memail you to trade.
posted by Margalo Epps at 6:10 PM on December 21, 2018 [1 favorite]

That's all right clew, you've taught me the word "stercorary" and that's even better!
posted by traveler_ at 9:37 PM on December 21, 2018

I found a comic illustration of how my parents have handled Christmas since I was about 8.

For some reason, despite this I love to buy gifts for people and have to remind myself that everyone in my family can either afford what they want or what they want is something I can't possibly afford.
posted by Emmy Rae at 7:09 AM on December 22, 2018 [4 favorites]

The Matriarch had two absolute family etiquette rules

bartleby, don't leave us hanging, what's the second??!
posted by mosessis at 5:50 AM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

bartleby, don't leave us hanging

Eponysterical.
posted by Chrysostom at 3:39 PM on December 23, 2018 [1 favorite]

for a couple of years I was studying a particular fossorial rodent.

Was it Barry? I bet it was Barry.
posted by Paul Slade at 4:19 PM on December 23, 2018 [3 favorites]

> I think I go on about my love of milk chocolate a bit much but maybe one year it will sink in

Signs indicate that this is not that year.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:59 AM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

I imagine it's because dark chocolate is "fancier."
posted by Chrysostom at 9:03 PM on December 24, 2018 [1 favorite]

You know how we have the Quonsmas exchange every year, and the MeFi Mall? Maybe we can do something like a MeFi White Elephant Swap after the holidays...

My local circle of friends holds "ReGifting Bingo", which is a party to which one brings a recyclable gift (or maybe go out and find something funny) and then we do a White Elephant style exchange, except instead of pulling numbers, we play bingo, and the winners of each round pick/steal. I took home this Christmas shoe winestand one year, which had gone home with someone else the year before, and the next year I brought it back for a third round, where it went to someone who kept it. In return for the shoe that year I went home with a pink plush unicorn fishbowl. I'm really not sure whether I came out ahead there...
posted by Karmakaze at 1:10 PM on December 26, 2018