My Life at 47 Is Back to What It Was Like at 27
February 17, 2019 9:20 AM Subscribe
Meghan Daum on making progress in life. (SLMedium)
Nearly two decades ago, I moved from New York City to the Midwest and then to California, where I came as close to settling down as I’m probably ever going to come, which is to say I got married. Nearly two years ago, the marriage ended, and I got in the car and literally drove through my life in reverse. I drove west to east, backward in time, until I landed right back where I started: alone in a scuff-marked apartment in a clanking old Manhattan building much like the one I occupied in my twenties, eating supermarket sushi at my desk and trying mightily (yes, on a Friday evening) to complete a writing assignment that was due a week ago.
Nearly two decades ago, I moved from New York City to the Midwest and then to California, where I came as close to settling down as I’m probably ever going to come, which is to say I got married. Nearly two years ago, the marriage ended, and I got in the car and literally drove through my life in reverse. I drove west to east, backward in time, until I landed right back where I started: alone in a scuff-marked apartment in a clanking old Manhattan building much like the one I occupied in my twenties, eating supermarket sushi at my desk and trying mightily (yes, on a Friday evening) to complete a writing assignment that was due a week ago.
In judging a life's Progress, I would think "lifestyle", at least the superficial economic / material aspects, really should be kept secondary to its emotional/spiritual and intellectual aspects.
How have you matured, how are your friendships, are you a more actively kind & compassionate human being? Not where you get your sushi and what sort of laptop you use.
posted by goinWhereTheClimateSuitsMyClothes at 10:13 AM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
How have you matured, how are your friendships, are you a more actively kind & compassionate human being? Not where you get your sushi and what sort of laptop you use.
posted by goinWhereTheClimateSuitsMyClothes at 10:13 AM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
Sitting at my desk, eating scrambled eggs on toast in my schlubby sweatpants, I feel seen! Which is not what I want at all.
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:14 AM on February 17, 2019 [25 favorites]
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:14 AM on February 17, 2019 [25 favorites]
Please never let me get to this point.
i think part of getting older is realizing that defining yourself solely by your consumer consumption is not actually a viable substitute for having a full-fledged personality
posted by entropicamericana at 10:17 AM on February 17, 2019 [74 favorites]
i think part of getting older is realizing that defining yourself solely by your consumer consumption is not actually a viable substitute for having a full-fledged personality
posted by entropicamericana at 10:17 AM on February 17, 2019 [74 favorites]
How have you matured, how are your friendships, are you a more actively kind & compassionate human being? Not where you get your sushi and what sort of laptop you use.
Yeah, there was some question I saw recently, perhaps poking around on a dating site, the gist of which was something like, are your beliefs the same as when you were 16? Mine certainly have similarities, but I'd say that in my past 20 years, I've become a more kind and compassionate human—to the point of now having to recover from my own codependency. I've become a better person, no doubt. There are just limits to human endurance. I'm of necessity more selfish now, perhaps, than I was just a few years ago. I've returned to that because I had to to save myself. So let's not get too judgmental here right off the bat.
i think part of getting older is realizing defining yourself solely by your consumer consumption is not actually a viable substitute for having a full-fledged personality
OK, sure. I agree, and that's why I have cut out some of the cruft of specifics I used to have on dating profiles, about all my favorite bands and whatnot. I can clarify that for me, though, enjoying the new isn't about consumer consumption, isn't about getting and spending. Let's not reduce it to that. You can get so much of this for free now anyway. For me, it's about active interest in and participation in the world, in learning about new things, in experiencing new viewpoints, sonically or visually or otherwise. I don't want to stop doing that. Warren Ellis and older friends who write have long been good models for me in that regard. It's about inspiration.
posted by limeonaire at 10:23 AM on February 17, 2019 [20 favorites]
Yeah, there was some question I saw recently, perhaps poking around on a dating site, the gist of which was something like, are your beliefs the same as when you were 16? Mine certainly have similarities, but I'd say that in my past 20 years, I've become a more kind and compassionate human—to the point of now having to recover from my own codependency. I've become a better person, no doubt. There are just limits to human endurance. I'm of necessity more selfish now, perhaps, than I was just a few years ago. I've returned to that because I had to to save myself. So let's not get too judgmental here right off the bat.
i think part of getting older is realizing defining yourself solely by your consumer consumption is not actually a viable substitute for having a full-fledged personality
OK, sure. I agree, and that's why I have cut out some of the cruft of specifics I used to have on dating profiles, about all my favorite bands and whatnot. I can clarify that for me, though, enjoying the new isn't about consumer consumption, isn't about getting and spending. Let's not reduce it to that. You can get so much of this for free now anyway. For me, it's about active interest in and participation in the world, in learning about new things, in experiencing new viewpoints, sonically or visually or otherwise. I don't want to stop doing that. Warren Ellis and older friends who write have long been good models for me in that regard. It's about inspiration.
posted by limeonaire at 10:23 AM on February 17, 2019 [20 favorites]
I think it would be helpful as well to stop thinking of "continuing to grow and experience new things" as being in any way connected to "continuing to consume and be deeply engaged with popular forms of contemporary music, writing, etc." One can grow and experience new things by, for example, reading the Corpus Hermeticum and learning about the western esoteric tradition, listening to early 19th century Italian opera and learning about period performance practice, engaging with contemporary high art, developing an interest in bluegrass, etc.
posted by slkinsey at 10:45 AM on February 17, 2019 [33 favorites]
posted by slkinsey at 10:45 AM on February 17, 2019 [33 favorites]
but with another person around who simply is cool with whatever I want.
This is what dogs are for
posted by The otter lady at 10:48 AM on February 17, 2019 [31 favorites]
This is what dogs are for
posted by The otter lady at 10:48 AM on February 17, 2019 [31 favorites]
I -am- 47 and feel similarly. My ratio of "wanting a relationship with a human being" to "shit I am not willing to put up with" has slid waay the other way over the last 10 years.
posted by The otter lady at 10:52 AM on February 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
posted by The otter lady at 10:52 AM on February 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
This article struck a serious chord with me as someone who is also 47, also unmarried and without kids and happy that way, and also moved from New York to California, only to come back 15 years later. And finally, as someone who thought I’d have made more progress of some sort or another, and have something more to show for a couple of decades of living (and I don’t mean material goods).
I don’t think 27-year-old me would be especially happy with 47-year-old me, but at least 47-year-old me knows not to expect much from 57-year-old me, and frankly does not expect 67-year-old me to be around. But at least I’m still discovering new music that I love.
posted by ejs at 11:03 AM on February 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
I don’t think 27-year-old me would be especially happy with 47-year-old me, but at least 47-year-old me knows not to expect much from 57-year-old me, and frankly does not expect 67-year-old me to be around. But at least I’m still discovering new music that I love.
posted by ejs at 11:03 AM on February 17, 2019 [17 favorites]
As retired, my life now more closely resembles my college and early twenties, but hopefully with less stupid. There were a number of promises I made myself should I ever have the time after my responsible adult phase ended. While hardly a bucket list, I do now regularly ascend on nethack, my ponytail is halfway down my back, I listen to classical music every waking minute and my exceedingly lax schedule is governed more by the circumnavigation of the earth around the sun than a ticking clock...
posted by jim in austin at 11:44 AM on February 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
posted by jim in austin at 11:44 AM on February 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
Hey, forty-three year old me totally relates to this (without the intervening marriage). I'm pretty sure I'm happier
(I 100% still judge people potential mates for their books and music taste though for the one hour ever six months or so I get on Tinder before I'm like BURN IT WITH FIRE and delete my profile and the app, swearing I will never look at it again. Rinse. Repeat.)
posted by thivaia at 12:11 PM on February 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
(I 100% still judge people potential mates for their books and music taste though for the one hour ever six months or so I get on Tinder before I'm like BURN IT WITH FIRE and delete my profile and the app, swearing I will never look at it again. Rinse. Repeat.)
posted by thivaia at 12:11 PM on February 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
"Pretty sure I'm happier single than I ever expected" is what I meant to say.
posted by thivaia at 12:12 PM on February 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by thivaia at 12:12 PM on February 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
Resonates here too (I'm 41). I'd love to have a partner but my desire to go through the ringer of dating evaporated between the ages of 30 and 40. And since buying my house last fall, which is very cozy and will only be more cozy when I finish renovations later this year, I'm really comfortable just reading books, doing woodworking, art, etc, by myself at home, with occasional invites for friends and family. It's so comfortable that I'm having to work through how far it diverges from cultural expectations, even for men.
posted by MillMan at 12:12 PM on February 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
posted by MillMan at 12:12 PM on February 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
I'm not sure how "consumer consumption" is defined above, but something I really value in my relationships is a shared curiosity about things like art and music and a willingness to be exposed to new works.
My life at 43 is partially what I envisioned when I was younger. Something I continue to struggle with is the outside pressure I feel telling me that my life isn't real or as valued because I haven't done all of the expected things. I'm pretty sure that--in spite of my explaining that they are not goals--my family is still waiting for me to get married, have a kid and buy a house and view my lack of such things as a failure. Like they haven't noticed my entire life has been trying to low key do my own thing and the times that I go along with the pressure of what is expected, I find myself deeply miserable.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:31 PM on February 17, 2019 [12 favorites]
My life at 43 is partially what I envisioned when I was younger. Something I continue to struggle with is the outside pressure I feel telling me that my life isn't real or as valued because I haven't done all of the expected things. I'm pretty sure that--in spite of my explaining that they are not goals--my family is still waiting for me to get married, have a kid and buy a house and view my lack of such things as a failure. Like they haven't noticed my entire life has been trying to low key do my own thing and the times that I go along with the pressure of what is expected, I find myself deeply miserable.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 12:31 PM on February 17, 2019 [12 favorites]
Heh, it’s me. 42 year old me had fought so hard to keep life the same after my husband’s death. But I’ve realised I just can’t. And it’s a much smaller journey, but I realised I’m going backwards too. First it was on planning to move to the part of the city I spent 20-21 in? But then I started considering completing my undergrad at the school I dropped out of then. And just the other day, I saw the old building my studio was in has a place for rent. Now that is a bit too far. But I do feel like I’m really going backwards to move forward. It’s strange. I worked so hard to be something else, but now I want a chance to rewrite everything for myself, and I can’t help like it feels that I’m going backwards in time to do it over. Except I’m not younger again; happy for the wisdom, but sad to have to acknowledge I won’t have the time I did back then.
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:33 PM on February 17, 2019 [19 favorites]
posted by [insert clever name here] at 12:33 PM on February 17, 2019 [19 favorites]
I'm a little younger than Daum, but I'm glad I skipped the detour.
I think there's a little something to be said for the being on the couch eating a bowl of cereal at 2 a.m., etc. as potentially signalling a life in which you have failed to take on serious adult commitments. But, fuck, I don't have a shortage of commitments.
posted by praemunire at 12:35 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
I think there's a little something to be said for the being on the couch eating a bowl of cereal at 2 a.m., etc. as potentially signalling a life in which you have failed to take on serious adult commitments. But, fuck, I don't have a shortage of commitments.
posted by praemunire at 12:35 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
So about new music and art, one thing I've realized is that I'm harder to impress than I used to be. I spot cliches and flashy pointless shit faster. Also, songs about teenage angst are not meant for me, and That's OK! I don't miss teenage angst and songs about bigger/deeper things are thinner on the ground. Same for movies, books and so on.
Life is short, it's ok to skip things you can tell won't nourish you. But yeah, important to keep yourself open to genuinely good new things.
posted by emjaybee at 12:46 PM on February 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
Life is short, it's ok to skip things you can tell won't nourish you. But yeah, important to keep yourself open to genuinely good new things.
posted by emjaybee at 12:46 PM on February 17, 2019 [13 favorites]
I think this is because it breaks people's brains when women want to be committed to themselves
No, it is actually possible to live an aimless life devoid of purpose. And it's pretty sad. I would feel sad if that were my life.
(...is this more "feminist" assuming that a gender-neutral handle must be male?)
posted by praemunire at 1:08 PM on February 17, 2019
No, it is actually possible to live an aimless life devoid of purpose. And it's pretty sad. I would feel sad if that were my life.
(...is this more "feminist" assuming that a gender-neutral handle must be male?)
posted by praemunire at 1:08 PM on February 17, 2019
I love Meghan Daum, she always pops up when I need to hear her most. She's a little older than me and has felt like an older sister since I started reading her work over a decade ago. Her writing always resonates deeply for me - articulate childfree loners with an introspective streak and a dash of cynicism are pretty thin on the ground as far as female role models go. Thanks so much for the post OP.
posted by freya_lamb at 1:27 PM on February 17, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by freya_lamb at 1:27 PM on February 17, 2019 [18 favorites]
I was friends with Meghan when we were kids - we attended the same UU church and participated in the same educational co-op. I've loosely followed her career. I'm glad to see her here on the Blue.
posted by workerant at 1:31 PM on February 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
posted by workerant at 1:31 PM on February 17, 2019 [7 favorites]
Same life, higher rent.So true, any age, any decade.
posted by sudogeek at 1:33 PM on February 17, 2019 [3 favorites]
praemunire: No, it is actually possible to live an aimless life devoid of purpose. And it's pretty sad. I would feel sad if that were my life.
I'm a single woman who will be 50 this year. I live an aimless life devoid of purpose and I'm not sad (read: pathetic). Thanks for pointing out that you think I am, though!
posted by tzikeh at 1:47 PM on February 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
I'm a single woman who will be 50 this year. I live an aimless life devoid of purpose and I'm not sad (read: pathetic). Thanks for pointing out that you think I am, though!
posted by tzikeh at 1:47 PM on February 17, 2019 [36 favorites]
My life is roughly similar to what it was at 27 in that I'm single and living by myself, and working in a library that I can walk to. Back then, I was starting library school and had most of my life and career still ahead of me; now, I'm not planning to go back to school (at least not for another degree, although I've flirted with that idea), and like the author, I've been married and divorced, and have owned a house once although I've rented for far longer. But I'm also better off than I was at forty-seven, newly sober and facing the wreck that I'd made of my life and relationships. I guess that I'd tell my 27-year-old self, "Well, the marriage thing didn't work out, but on the other hand, we finally figured out what the deal was with us and alcohol, so there's that. Plus, superhero movies are a lot more popular and arguably better, and we have other hobbies and the freedom to practice them in as we wish. In summary, our life is a land of contrasts. (That's something called a 'meme', and it's a bigger deal now that the internet has pictures. Did I mention that the internet has pictures? The internet has pictures.)"
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [10 favorites]
posted by Halloween Jack at 2:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [10 favorites]
This article resonates with me, though I'm in a different place. I'm 42. My life was pretty great when I was 29-31 or so. Things changed, I made some choices, took some risks, many of them didn't work out, some beautiful things happened but lots of pain occurred... and I've been driving myself to exhaustion trying to pump enough energy back into the world around me to re-create a space in which that kind of goodness could occur once again.
I've been learning to accept, recently, that this will never work; I am not enough, I do not have enough motivating force within me, on my own, to create that much change in the world. Oh well. I did what I could. Now it is time to accept that life is different and the self I need to be to fit within the world that currently exists around me is also different. New environment, new stories. Perhaps someday an environment will occur in which some of those old stories about myself will once again become useful, but it's best not to get attached to these things.
posted by crotchety old git at 2:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
I've been learning to accept, recently, that this will never work; I am not enough, I do not have enough motivating force within me, on my own, to create that much change in the world. Oh well. I did what I could. Now it is time to accept that life is different and the self I need to be to fit within the world that currently exists around me is also different. New environment, new stories. Perhaps someday an environment will occur in which some of those old stories about myself will once again become useful, but it's best not to get attached to these things.
posted by crotchety old git at 2:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
27-year-old me might not have been thrilled by the fate of 43-year-old me, but 10-year-old me would be over the moon.
10-year-old me couldn't fathom the idea of a spouse and children of my own. 10-year-old me wanted a little old creaky house on a street with big trees, lots of books, a friendly fluffy dog, fresh air, an abundance of time and space to think and read and make things, a room of my own. The ability to spend a whole day not saying a word or answering to anyone.
So 27-year-old me got the married detour she wanted, albeit briefly. But 10-year-old me ultimately won.
I always liked 10-year-old me better, anyway.
posted by mochapickle at 2:08 PM on February 17, 2019 [43 favorites]
10-year-old me couldn't fathom the idea of a spouse and children of my own. 10-year-old me wanted a little old creaky house on a street with big trees, lots of books, a friendly fluffy dog, fresh air, an abundance of time and space to think and read and make things, a room of my own. The ability to spend a whole day not saying a word or answering to anyone.
So 27-year-old me got the married detour she wanted, albeit briefly. But 10-year-old me ultimately won.
I always liked 10-year-old me better, anyway.
posted by mochapickle at 2:08 PM on February 17, 2019 [43 favorites]
I’m 47, single, no kids, got my own home and it completely fucking rules.
posted by porn in the woods at 2:54 PM on February 17, 2019 [26 favorites]
posted by porn in the woods at 2:54 PM on February 17, 2019 [26 favorites]
Plus, you don’t have to go to the woods to get porn.
posted by ejs at 2:56 PM on February 17, 2019 [31 favorites]
posted by ejs at 2:56 PM on February 17, 2019 [31 favorites]
I'm 35 and I've built my entire life to really have no obligations other than my two cats. That's been bothering me a lot the past year, and I've moved across the county, deepened many friendships and actually found a partner after putting in the effort, but I guess it makes sense that people did go the partner/marriage/children route then circle back because in a lot of ways it's a deeply satisfying way to live if you can make it work.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:14 PM on February 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:14 PM on February 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
I'm in my 40s and while things aren't exactly identical, my life now and my life in my 20s definitely look somewhat similar. A lot of that is because of what the author describes as: I’ll state the obvious and say that much if not all of the reason my life hasn’t changed is that I’m not a parent.
These days I have more money but a lot less free time and ability to travel; that's a tradeoff I think about a lot and have been considering making changes to get back closer to the balance I had 20 years ago. I've known too many people who die before or immediately after retiring to want to put all of my eggs in the deferred gratification basket. But I also know people who have really limited their options by not planning for the future -- there is a balance point somewhere, I guess, but good luck finding it.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:47 PM on February 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
These days I have more money but a lot less free time and ability to travel; that's a tradeoff I think about a lot and have been considering making changes to get back closer to the balance I had 20 years ago. I've known too many people who die before or immediately after retiring to want to put all of my eggs in the deferred gratification basket. But I also know people who have really limited their options by not planning for the future -- there is a balance point somewhere, I guess, but good luck finding it.
posted by Dip Flash at 3:47 PM on February 17, 2019 [2 favorites]
I’ve lived with boyfriends and roommates and, of course, my husband... I’ve given credence to all those studies suggesting that people who live with long-term partners are healthier and live longer than sad solo dwellers who eat while standing over the sink
Yes to this. “Those studies” were probably referring to extroverted, hetero men. I feel like introvert erasure is everywhere in American culture. And I relate completely to the joy of not having to negotiate, say, what scary Mike Flanagan movie I watch on Netflix at some unreasonable hour, wearing my holey pajamas and being totally myself.
posted by edithkeeler at 5:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
Yes to this. “Those studies” were probably referring to extroverted, hetero men. I feel like introvert erasure is everywhere in American culture. And I relate completely to the joy of not having to negotiate, say, what scary Mike Flanagan movie I watch on Netflix at some unreasonable hour, wearing my holey pajamas and being totally myself.
posted by edithkeeler at 5:02 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
Not single, but 42 and on my way to an interview that would put me right back where I was before I quit five years ago (but feels like it’s been forever) to pursue a... I don’t know, dream? A flailing attempt to get away from what I’d been doing for fifteen years, yet hadn’t believed was worth doing for the last ten?
I’m on the train, a stop away from an interview to get back into that, because the attempt I made just isn’t working out. 360, but not in a great way.
Then again, moving back to this would meanactually having time for friends, a life, and even just for myself. That’s not nothing. I’m still at the early part of my forties, and I’m still struggling with coming to terms with understanding that this is it. I’m not going to be a world beater. I’m not going to do wonderful things. And I can either lament that until I finally die, miserable and poisonous to the few people that will be willing to put up with me, or I can accept it, and make this the best that I can, and enjoy what I have for what it is, rather than rage that it wasn’t what I wanted.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:15 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
I’m on the train, a stop away from an interview to get back into that, because the attempt I made just isn’t working out. 360, but not in a great way.
Then again, moving back to this would meanactually having time for friends, a life, and even just for myself. That’s not nothing. I’m still at the early part of my forties, and I’m still struggling with coming to terms with understanding that this is it. I’m not going to be a world beater. I’m not going to do wonderful things. And I can either lament that until I finally die, miserable and poisonous to the few people that will be willing to put up with me, or I can accept it, and make this the best that I can, and enjoy what I have for what it is, rather than rage that it wasn’t what I wanted.
posted by Ghidorah at 5:15 PM on February 17, 2019 [5 favorites]
Been sitting here on my couch watching old rock concerts on YT (Moody Blues and now some Dead, in case anyone was wondering). The beauty is that I don't have to share the remote or worry about interrupting anyone else's evening. Had a wonderful afternoon day drinking with a dear old friend who had to get back home to the family. I heated up a couple of pieces of naan for dinner and will head off to bed whenever I feel like it. I've been married, divorced, raised my son and ran through many LTRs and quite frankly, am really content to be right here where I am.
That being said, I tell my friends that in general, I'm happy but I'm not happy. If that makes sense.
posted by sundrop at 5:33 PM on February 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
That being said, I tell my friends that in general, I'm happy but I'm not happy. If that makes sense.
posted by sundrop at 5:33 PM on February 17, 2019 [6 favorites]
It me. I'm 46 and live the same life I did at 26, mostly (I don't have a roommate now). I left Cleveland in 2005 and lived in DC till 2015, when I moved back, discovered my mom had become a hoarder, spent months of my life cleaning out and repairing her house (it's a mess again; thankfully I don't live there), and promptly developed and almost died of stage four cancer. Good times in Cleveland again! Anyway, I'm now better, and live in a quaint (read: sketchy) apartment in Lakewood, OH, and basically have a 20-something's lifestyle, but with a not-terrible 40-something's body (I try to get a lot of exercise; radiochemotherapy kept me off my feet and weakened me in a way I thought would be permanent, and now that I know it isn't, I feel like I've regenerated). My time in DC made me a lot of money (all lost supporting myself while I couldn't work due to cancer treatment), but left few lasting marks otherwise -- an on-again-off-again girlfriend I still sometimes see, a few friends, not much else -- and I feel a little like I spent a decade in the Black Lodge.
I had some dating success right away, resuming ties with old friends, but then...less success. I can't imagine using something like Tinder, and OKCupid is about as useless to me now as it was ten years ago. So that blows. It also blows that I feel much older than everyone else at most events I go to. Most of my peers have sunken into a housebound domesticity that perhaps works for married people. For singles, not really.
I work with a divorced guy about my age who eats cut-up hot dogs with ketchup out of a bowl for breakfast every morning. It's fucking depressing. That is all I have to say about that.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:34 PM on February 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
I had some dating success right away, resuming ties with old friends, but then...less success. I can't imagine using something like Tinder, and OKCupid is about as useless to me now as it was ten years ago. So that blows. It also blows that I feel much older than everyone else at most events I go to. Most of my peers have sunken into a housebound domesticity that perhaps works for married people. For singles, not really.
I work with a divorced guy about my age who eats cut-up hot dogs with ketchup out of a bowl for breakfast every morning. It's fucking depressing. That is all I have to say about that.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 6:34 PM on February 17, 2019 [11 favorites]
I'm 37 and live alone with my cat. (Hoping to make that two cats soon. And then, someday, a bunch of cats and chickens and maybe some sheep? Who knows.) I'm...not where I expected to be at 27, but I am so much happier. I changed careers, in large part because now I make enough money that I can live alone, which I would be very happy to do for the rest of my life. It's been an interesting journey, figuring out that I'm asexual. I'm not quite ready to go with aromantic, but I just...have no desire to date. Reading through this thread has been good for my soul; it's rare I meet someone else who is single, it feels like. I miss having a big, queer chosen family, but that will come in time. And, even now, I am so much more at peace than I was at 27, it's remarkable.
I don't know quite that I feel like I've gone backwards. I did for a long time, but now I'm going forwards again, in a kind of lazy, gentle way. I got a Winter Soldier tattoo a few years ago, because I felt like I had to rebuild my life, and that story gave me great strength. I think I've gone from rebuilding, to building, though, which is interesting.
posted by kalimac at 7:24 PM on February 17, 2019 [10 favorites]
I don't know quite that I feel like I've gone backwards. I did for a long time, but now I'm going forwards again, in a kind of lazy, gentle way. I got a Winter Soldier tattoo a few years ago, because I felt like I had to rebuild my life, and that story gave me great strength. I think I've gone from rebuilding, to building, though, which is interesting.
posted by kalimac at 7:24 PM on February 17, 2019 [10 favorites]
I think 27 year old me would be fundamentally unable to understand 37 year old me, which is ok because 27 year old me was a goddamn mess.
I like who I am a lot more now. And I’m excited to see what kind of life this version of myself can build, and then who I can become in that life.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:29 PM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
I like who I am a lot more now. And I’m excited to see what kind of life this version of myself can build, and then who I can become in that life.
posted by schadenfrau at 7:29 PM on February 17, 2019 [9 favorites]
I would have been floored, at 27, to discover that 37-year-old me (current me) somehow lives in Sacramento -- a city in which I had never had the slightest interest , works as a state bureaucrat, and is married to someone at least thirty degrees off from my then-image of the perfect partner. Hell, current me is still sometimes pretty floored, even though each choice along the way made sense and I am deeply, vastly, happier than I was as a confused young ambition-hound in DC. I used to think the world was a series of ladders to climb, at the top of which lay a particular class-based happiness, in which I'd both have a class-appropriate partner (vaguely pictured as a professor but also maybe a NGO lawyer who liked to hike) and have access to a vaguely-defined but sweeping amount of power. Though the desire to change the world never left (and I very much get to do that), nor did the desire for companionship (and my wife is amazingly wonderful). But it sure took a lot off shedding of scripted "what it should be likes" to discover what it actually *could* be like, in an earthbound and fulfilling way. Looking forward to 47.
posted by SandCounty at 9:08 PM on February 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by SandCounty at 9:08 PM on February 17, 2019 [8 favorites]
At 51 my life seems to be descending into chaos and uncertainty. It's also a relief to think that it won't last forever, life, that is, though I'm not keen on it ending soon.
It's interesting to me how little value I seem to bring to others compared to how valuable I feel it should be, and that feels like something important, but I cannot grasp the meaning of it in any meaningful way.
The days go by quickly enough, in any case. For me the biggest difference between being 25 and being 50+ is that at 25 lots of things still felt possible and that there was plenty of time for them to happen. That's the only real thing I miss, that sense that the future was an unknown mystery, but surely full of great things.
(51 also means you get to laugh at the graphs you've just written. What a wanker!)
posted by maxwelton at 12:22 AM on February 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
It's interesting to me how little value I seem to bring to others compared to how valuable I feel it should be, and that feels like something important, but I cannot grasp the meaning of it in any meaningful way.
The days go by quickly enough, in any case. For me the biggest difference between being 25 and being 50+ is that at 25 lots of things still felt possible and that there was plenty of time for them to happen. That's the only real thing I miss, that sense that the future was an unknown mystery, but surely full of great things.
(51 also means you get to laugh at the graphs you've just written. What a wanker!)
posted by maxwelton at 12:22 AM on February 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
the universe felt full of possibility. Everything was wide open
I still feel that way with cultural stuff, enjoying meeting new people, etc.
But I realized a couple of years ago that I had crossed an age line and that it was now too late (or really, far more difficult) to make certain changes professionally. When you are young, you can fantasize about becoming an FBI agent or a research chemist or a war correspondent, and (assuming you have the ability and the resources) you have the time to make that change and then live out that life. As time goes on, some of those doors close and others become not impossible but highly unrealistic.
In reality it is a gradual process, but I noticed it all at once and it still feels like a shock.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:18 AM on February 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I still feel that way with cultural stuff, enjoying meeting new people, etc.
But I realized a couple of years ago that I had crossed an age line and that it was now too late (or really, far more difficult) to make certain changes professionally. When you are young, you can fantasize about becoming an FBI agent or a research chemist or a war correspondent, and (assuming you have the ability and the resources) you have the time to make that change and then live out that life. As time goes on, some of those doors close and others become not impossible but highly unrealistic.
In reality it is a gradual process, but I noticed it all at once and it still feels like a shock.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:18 AM on February 18, 2019 [6 favorites]
I don't recall having any particular sense of grand possibility in my twenties. I felt like people my age were doing amazing things, but I wasn't, and I had no real idea how to get to where they were, and when I looked closely I noticed that most of them had been born into wealth and that was how they were able to make things happen. You have physical advantages when young that only become obvious as they become harder to maintain, but while I miss those, I am more aware of what remains now. It is certainly something that can be honed and improved upon even as you age; after cancer, I became more health-conscious (not as much as I should be, only "more"), and I am healthier now than I was ten years ago, at 36. At 36, I probably couldn't have climbed two flights of stairs without a big problem. I mean. All of this would probably have come more easily to me at 36, had I made health a more serious priority, but I didn't and here we are. The point is, the potential for improvement is still present, perhaps always present -- barring some uncorrectable calamity. And of course those can strike at any age.
The thing about the past is that...so for me, I remember everything quite clearly. And when friends talk about the past, my general impression is that they don't remember anything very clearly at all. It's easy to look back and see all the things you could have done differently, or should have, but your past self wasn't a complete moron, and in all likelihood you'd do the same things. If you were stupid then, you're probably stupid now. If you were shortsighted then, you're probably shortsighted now. It's the same.
And if it isn't...so what? I think that when we look back in regret, what we regret is that we didn't appreciate all we had. But isn't that the same now? I think so.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:48 AM on February 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
The thing about the past is that...so for me, I remember everything quite clearly. And when friends talk about the past, my general impression is that they don't remember anything very clearly at all. It's easy to look back and see all the things you could have done differently, or should have, but your past self wasn't a complete moron, and in all likelihood you'd do the same things. If you were stupid then, you're probably stupid now. If you were shortsighted then, you're probably shortsighted now. It's the same.
And if it isn't...so what? I think that when we look back in regret, what we regret is that we didn't appreciate all we had. But isn't that the same now? I think so.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 7:48 AM on February 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
About 25 years ago, I got a job in the Shipping department of a company.
About 20 years ago, someone saw potential in me, and hired me to a desk job.
Over the years, I kind of had a career, ending up as a self taught "database guy". (I didn't have the title of DBA, but that was basically the job.)
About 5 years ago, a reorganization put me under Marketing. I started to hate my job.
Three years ago, I was fired.
Two years ago, I took a job in the Shipping department of a company across the street from the old one. I doubt I will be discovered again, so I probably will be doing this job until I die.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 8:19 AM on February 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
About 20 years ago, someone saw potential in me, and hired me to a desk job.
Over the years, I kind of had a career, ending up as a self taught "database guy". (I didn't have the title of DBA, but that was basically the job.)
About 5 years ago, a reorganization put me under Marketing. I started to hate my job.
Three years ago, I was fired.
Two years ago, I took a job in the Shipping department of a company across the street from the old one. I doubt I will be discovered again, so I probably will be doing this job until I die.
posted by Tool of the Conspiracy at 8:19 AM on February 18, 2019 [3 favorites]
i think part of getting older is realizing that defining yourself solely by your consumer consumption is not actually a viable substitute for having a full-fledged personality
This is a statement which seems both superficially true, because obvs, right?—and at the same time seems void of any specific meaning, conjuring as it does some undefined notion of a "full-fledged personality" in a way that fails to acknowledge that in a material, capitalist society where everyone makes their personalities meaningful through material consumption, "fully-fledged" is the title more likely to be awarded to the middle-aged people who don't stray too far from the dignified path of partners and children and families and less likely to the middle-aged people whose habits of consumption are directed to gratifying their own interests and desires.
Having spent my last 30 years in or on the periphery of academia, without children or any lasting partnerships, or really any career-defining accomplishments, tbh, I sometimes feel like time hasn't passed at all—that the entirety of my life so far has been a long school year, punctuated by exciting weeks here, disastrous weeks there, and long afternoons in the coffee shop, preparing for some final exam that's yet to come.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:50 AM on February 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
This is a statement which seems both superficially true, because obvs, right?—and at the same time seems void of any specific meaning, conjuring as it does some undefined notion of a "full-fledged personality" in a way that fails to acknowledge that in a material, capitalist society where everyone makes their personalities meaningful through material consumption, "fully-fledged" is the title more likely to be awarded to the middle-aged people who don't stray too far from the dignified path of partners and children and families and less likely to the middle-aged people whose habits of consumption are directed to gratifying their own interests and desires.
Having spent my last 30 years in or on the periphery of academia, without children or any lasting partnerships, or really any career-defining accomplishments, tbh, I sometimes feel like time hasn't passed at all—that the entirety of my life so far has been a long school year, punctuated by exciting weeks here, disastrous weeks there, and long afternoons in the coffee shop, preparing for some final exam that's yet to come.
posted by octobersurprise at 8:50 AM on February 18, 2019 [5 favorites]
praemunire: No, it is actually possible to live an aimless life devoid of purpose. And it's pretty sad. I would feel sad if that were my life.
I'm a single woman who will be 50 this year. I live an aimless life devoid of purpose and I'm not sad (read: pathetic). Thanks for pointing out that you think I am, though!
Word. I am aware that a lot of people think my life is really sad and stupid, but, to paraphrase Churchill, tomorrow morning I will wake up happy, and they'll still be wrong.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:54 AM on February 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
I'm a single woman who will be 50 this year. I live an aimless life devoid of purpose and I'm not sad (read: pathetic). Thanks for pointing out that you think I am, though!
Word. I am aware that a lot of people think my life is really sad and stupid, but, to paraphrase Churchill, tomorrow morning I will wake up happy, and they'll still be wrong.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:54 AM on February 18, 2019 [12 favorites]
(In the interests of full honesty, I will admit I am in fact currently sad most mornings -- not the pathetic kind, but the mourning kind -- due to some recent hard losses and changes. But mourning is well within the purview of the overall contented life.)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:57 AM on February 18, 2019
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 9:57 AM on February 18, 2019
I banged around some belief/systems in my (long ago) youth. IIRC, several them thought a great deal of "purposeless" as a day-to-day way to live your life. Taoism and Zen come to mind (yeah I know I'm probably getting them wrong). But I see awfulness in people who do claim to live for a "purpose" as well as the other. But then I remember Victor Frankl. Don't know. And (mostly) content that way.
posted by aleph at 11:24 AM on February 18, 2019
posted by aleph at 11:24 AM on February 18, 2019
Picasso was the most "accomplished" person I can think of. He was also a garbage human being. Please don't tally the worth of a person according to some made up index of how much you feel they've contributed to humanity or engaged in what you consider worthwhile activity.
posted by xammerboy at 2:16 PM on February 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by xammerboy at 2:16 PM on February 18, 2019 [2 favorites]
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I love eating when and where and what I want. I love sleeping when I want and socializing when I want and being able to travel at the last minute without throwing another person’s life out of whack as a result. I love talking to my friends on the phone for hours without worrying about someone in the next room overhearing me and (at least in my imagination) silently judging me for all the cackling gossip and bombastic complaining.
Ah see, I hold out for this, but with another person around who simply is cool with whatever I want. Maybe that's entirely too idealistic! But I think that'd be awesome.
A 37-year-old with a genuinely fulfilling and reasonably lucrative career, a decent marriage/noncatastrophic divorce under her belt, an overpriced-but-worth-it apartment, and multiple intersecting circles of friends new and old? Fantastic! The future is incandescent. The present is a sweet spot engineered for maximum forward momentum.
Haha yesssssss. There is so much to look forward to in this future. I'm not even 37 yet!
Given the correlation between aging and death, declaring that you can’t stand today’s music might actually mark the first stage of the dying process
I mean, I get her perspective at 47 so well. My husband from whom I'm separated is around her age. That was part of the weird bargain of marrying someone 13 years older, that your mindset can almost begin to bridge generations, that you can begin to understand, on a visceral level, the viewpoint of a Gen-Xer even as parts of it, like this part about not being able to get into new music, are entirely alienating. Please never let me get to this point. I've met Gen X-ers for whom this is not the case, for whom music and culture continue to be an unfolding set of new delights. Even my own father, despite his many other faults, was continually buying new books and music until he physically couldn't. Let me continue to always be that way.
Anyway, maybe I should buy this anthology. This definitely spoke to me. Great essay!
posted by limeonaire at 10:08 AM on February 17, 2019 [13 favorites]