I knocked that guy over a fence with Hayseed’s mighty haunches.

February 28, 2019 10:15 PM

Everyone hates my big stupid horse in Red Dead Online (sl Polygon)
posted by Caduceus (51 comments total)

We mostly just hate Red Dead Online because it's hot garbage
posted by mrcircles at 11:01 PM on February 28, 2019 [9 favorites]

I like the Big Stupid horse, though.
posted by mrcircles at 11:02 PM on February 28, 2019 [5 favorites]

Wow, I want to play the game just to get a big Hummer of a horse.
posted by bbrown at 11:04 PM on February 28, 2019 [6 favorites]

HORSE
posted by Rev. Syung Myung Me at 11:07 PM on February 28, 2019 [1 favorite]

A fine steed for BEEFTANK!
posted by genpfault at 11:07 PM on February 28, 2019 [13 favorites]

Hayseed did nothing wrong
posted by Atom Eyes at 12:12 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Jazz Horse.
posted by Homo neanderthalensis at 12:36 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Horse jamming to Fleetwood Mac
posted by D.C. at 1:43 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Is this an excuse to link to endless.horse?
posted by Dysk at 2:47 AM on March 1, 2019 [7 favorites]

Another fun thing to do: when your posse sits down at a table together, you bring your horse up to the table then turn around so its butt is at camera/eye level for all of them. Then you can brush and pat your horse and maybe it will take a relaxing dump.

One of the author's friends is telling his side of the story on Twitter:

Once, we were trying to steal a stage coach, and Cass whistled for Hayseed and that the god damn abomination plowed into us, killing both horses, ruining the wagon, and sending me flying off to my death while Cass howled with laughter. I hate that horse.

Point of order: by "both horses" I mean both horses driving the wagon, that mistake of God survived the collision and ambled on.

Our posse was sneaking up on a gang hideout on a box canyon, and I was in a good sniping position overlooking. Looking down my scope, I suddenly saw Hayseed coming at me, Cass having dismissed him to safety. He knocked me into the canyon where I was then shot to death by bandits.

Sometimes Jake, our posse leader, will disconnect, disbanding our posse and enabling friendly fire. Cass' shrill cackle chills my blood, as I know I have mere seconds to find shelter before Hayseed's instinct to feel bones crunch beneath his colossal hooves turns him on me.

Once, I thought I was safe climbing on top of a wooden barricade. Too late I realized it was just as destructible as my fragile bones, smashed by the onslaught of that antediluvian tyrant and the shrieking mistress who barely restrains him, delighting in the misery he causes.

posted by fleacircus at 2:54 AM on March 1, 2019 [52 favorites]

I have never Red Dead 2ed, yet the tales of this big fuckoff horse made me weep with silent laughter.
posted by prismatic7 at 3:02 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD HORSE!!
SKULLS FOR THE SKULL SADDLE!!!
posted by GenjiandProust at 3:54 AM on March 1, 2019 [11 favorites]

I liked the bit about the big dumb horse.
posted by Navelgazer at 5:17 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

he is shaped like a friend and I love him
posted by sciatrix at 5:19 AM on March 1, 2019 [15 favorites]

made me weep with silent laughter.

My laughter has not been silent and I'm glad no one else is here to witness me laughing my head off about the virtual adventures of a big stupid horse.

Go Hayseed; may you ride forever.
posted by nubs at 5:29 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Two days ago:

Red Dead Online's first major update pushes microtransactions while cutting major sources of player income in half

So this is a nice little bit of public relations, isn't it?
posted by MrVisible at 5:33 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Sorry I read the twitter feed and I, like apparently everyone, am still entirely on Hayseed's side.
posted by jeather at 5:33 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Though it is hard because her friend has a CAT PIC as his avatar.
posted by jeather at 5:34 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

And the pony she named Hayseed
Busted down its stall
In a blizzard, he respawned
posted by RobotVoodooPower at 5:58 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

MrVisible: Are you saying that Polygon are covertly unethically favouring Rockstar by writing a nice story about RDR in return for (say) access or advertising?
posted by adrianhon at 6:09 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

There's only one video game horse that I recognize. And this is him.
posted by Fizz at 6:17 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

I didn't know I needed a story today about a fictional horse in a video game, but it turns out I did and I love every single thing about this.

Hugs for Hayseed.
posted by cooker girl at 6:22 AM on March 1, 2019

MrVisible: Are you saying that Polygon are covertly unethically favouring Rockstar by writing a nice story about RDR in return for (say) access or advertising?

I'm saying there's a good chance a public relations person from Rockstar did their job and got a positive story about the game to go semi-viral in the wake of some very negative publicity that came from their overly-aggressive monetization strategy.
posted by MrVisible at 6:26 AM on March 1, 2019

Polygon: Red Dead Onlines latest patch didn't solve the games biggest problems by Cass Marshall, the author of the horse essay.
posted by nubs at 6:30 AM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

omigod I'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face, gasping, feeling like I'm gonna barf. That link plus the stuff fleacircus posted, and so many of your comments... this is the most I've laughed in MONTHS.

Thank you Metafilter, I needed this like Hayseed needs bones beneath his hooves and oatcakes in his massive, pattable tummy.
posted by martin q blank at 6:56 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

MrVisible: Games websites aren't innocent of all sins but I don't share your confidence this has happened.

This notion that Rockstar PR contacted them saying "please make a good story happen and we'll make it worth your while", then someone on Polygon's Slack says, "hey does anyone have a good idea for a positive story about RDR Online"... well, it seems unnecessarily cynical. Not to mention eminently disprovable by dint of simply asking the author (@RequineGG on Twitter) if there was any pressure.

I don't have a horse in this fight (yup, I went there) but I want to push back against this "all games journos are in cahoots with PRs" idea, because I really don't think it's true and it leads to bad places. By all means, let's shine a spotlight on those areas where we have evidence of wrongdoing, but just because Rockstar are frequently idiots doesn't mean Polygon are unethical for writing a cute story.
posted by adrianhon at 7:09 AM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

Wow, this was great! It's almost enough to make me want to try RDROnline now.

(Nah, just kidding; nothing's going to get me anywhere near that mess of online trashfires. But this was an excellent article.)
posted by suetanvil at 7:15 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

One of the things I've enjoyed about Markiplier's playthrough of this game has been that he chose a big stupid slow Ardennais horse as HIS horse, customized it to look adorable, named it Schwoomple, and he has stuck to that darn horse through the game, dammit, despite smashing it into many many trees and despite the snarking of his audience. He did (spoiler) accidentally kill Schwoomple once, and was in howls of despair until he could find the same type of horse again, re-build it, and Schwoomple rode again (this time as a mare).
posted by The otter lady at 7:17 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

@RequineGG on Twitter

Something tells me she didn't need any special incentive to write about her very good horse.
posted by tobascodagama at 8:00 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

Ah the number of times I've been sneaking down a tight alleyway in St Denis, heard a snort and turned round to find Clopper standing behind me, the big eejit.
posted by GallonOfAlan at 8:08 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

They're all good horses.
posted by SonInLawOfSam at 8:21 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

Are there more pictures of Hayseed?
posted by jb at 8:25 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Free him!!!
posted by praemunire at 8:50 AM on March 1, 2019

Markiplier's RDR2 horse fails with Schwoomple
posted by The otter lady at 8:53 AM on March 1, 2019

I admit, for not being a gamer, the screenshots and gifs I've seen of RDR2 floating around on various sites have been some of the most enjoyable ones I've seen in awhile and have also made me want to play a video game. Like this horse fail .

fleacircus, that extra info is definitely the true icing on the cake, I think I emptied my tear ducts laughing, thank you for that

Is this an excuse to link to endless.horse?

i though i was already dying of laughter but this made me laugh so hard all over again i actually slid onto the floor and really died, thank you also
posted by barchan at 9:08 AM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Are there more pictures of Hayseed?

YES there are (h/t link from fleacircus)
posted by barchan at 9:14 AM on March 1, 2019

I don't game, and I don't watch gaming videos, but I tried to watch that link The otter lady posted above. Just a few seconds of Markiplier's yelling/laughing/vocalizing (whatever you call those loud obnoxious noises he was making) was enough to practically drive me mad. I can't imagine playing something for hours with him in my ear. That's the stuff of nightmares.
posted by sardonyx at 9:26 AM on March 1, 2019 [4 favorites]

This is hilariously accurate to my experiences with giant horses.
posted by sepviva at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

Keep in mind that most of the viewership driving the really, really huge streamers and YouTubers is like in their early-mid teens. That goes a long way to explain why "shrill and hyperactive" is the default style.
posted by tobascodagama at 10:00 AM on March 1, 2019 [1 favorite]

my name is horse,
and wen online,
and wen my frend
nowes it is time,
a whistle calls me from my stall
I do not stop -
I crush them all
posted by Ned G at 11:14 AM on March 1, 2019 [18 favorites]

I love my dead gay son big dumb horse
posted by Atom Eyes at 11:56 AM on March 1, 2019 [5 favorites]

I'm saying there's a good chance a public relations person from Rockstar did their job and got a positive story about the game to go semi-viral in the wake of some very negative publicity that came from their overly-aggressive monetization strategy.

Here's the process that resulted in this being posted to Metafilter.

1. I clicked on my bookmark to Polygon. I do this once or twice a day.

2. Looking over the articles for anything interested, I thought to myself, "That's a pretty funny headline. What's that about."

3. I read the article and laughed a bunch, because the idea of this giant horse constantly thrashing her friends is funny, and I found the article engagingly written.

4. I thought, "If this isn't on Metafilter it ought to be."

5. I posted it to Metafilter. Voila!

All I know about RDR2 is that I didn't finish the first one so I probably shouldn't get this one until it's cheap, and also I never finish Rockstart games, usually finding them to be overrated, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
posted by Caduceus at 12:36 PM on March 1, 2019 [8 favorites]

Forget it, Caduceus, it's Chinatown Ethics in Games Journalism.
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 1:08 PM on March 1, 2019 [6 favorites]

Squish 'em, Hayseed. Squish 'em real good.
posted by mhum at 3:08 PM on March 1, 2019 [3 favorites]

I fell in love when Hayseed survived falling off the cliff that killed the ne'er-do-well who dared ride him.
posted by straight at 3:31 PM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

Caduceus: disregarding the trash fire that is red dead online, I strongly recommend playing through the solo story mode on RDR2. I don’t play video games myself – except ESO and Stardew Valley – but I enjoy watching my husband play, and the story in RDR2 was the best one I watched last year. Definitely worth finishing.
posted by skycrashesdown at 4:12 PM on March 1, 2019 [2 favorites]

This might be a good thread to mention my Skyrim horse, Murder Horse. Pretty descriptive name, eh? Lemme tell you how he got it. I was wandering around the Reach, as one does, when I encountered a small fort filled with Forsworn. Now, I've played a lot of Skyrim so I get off my horse what I think is a safe distance away as I don't want to come back to a recently deceased horse. Me and Lydia take off into the fort. I stop and hit a couple with arrows when from behind me, my horse comes running up and starts attacking our foe. As previously mentioned, horses in Skyrim are not invincible so to keep him alive I pull my sword and take off after him, to provide support. I swing my sword, run after my God damned horse and run into some archer types targeting him. I take care of them, but by this point I've lost sight of the bastard and can only hear neighing and yelling coming from the wall above me. I take off up the stairs, and there are a lot of stairs in this fort, trying to find my horse, only to find him up at the top of the wall surrounded by the bodies of his enemies. Bugger must have killed 8 of them all on his own, as Lydia was still running around outside the fort screaming "I'll kill you if I have to", on account of a Forsworn who had fallen into a crevice.

Murder would be his downfall, as he tried this with a couple of bears and did not survive.

You can't rename horses in Skyrim but I tried to find a mod that would let me on the PS4.

Good Murder Horse. RIP
posted by fiercekitten at 4:59 PM on March 1, 2019 [9 favorites]

There’s a reason why one of the first pieces of downloadable content was armor for your horse in The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion.

should be

There’s a reason why one of the first pieces of downloadable content in The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion was armor for your horse.

A great deal of downloadable content existed before The Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion.

OK thank you.
posted by Going To Maine at 9:19 AM on March 2, 2019

We mostly just hate Red Dead Online because it's hot garbage

Publisher: "We want to create an online game experience that's the equivalent of an unmoderated YouTube comment thread."

Devs: "Hold my beer."

Publisher: "Drinking on the job. Perfect."
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:14 PM on March 3, 2019 [1 favorite]

(I do enjoy these horse stories though. On Maslow's Hierarchy, horses are definitely near the top with the goats and dogs.)
posted by turbid dahlia at 2:26 PM on March 3, 2019

I just have to see the headline to know it's my friend's article any time. She's unique.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 9:55 PM on March 3, 2019