It’s a Blessing to Bear Your Friend’s Burden
March 4, 2019 10:37 AM Subscribe
"People who are struggling with depression or other difficulties often assume that sharing their story with friends imposes a burden on them. In fact, the opposite is usually true: From a true friend’s perspective, being entrusted with the cares and burdens of another is a privilege. It’s an opportunity to dispense generosity, and a sign and symbol of trust. And when both people share with each other more of their inner worlds, more of their sorrow and suffering, the friendship is strengthened. In the words of the proverb, friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief."
This post was deleted for the following reason: Poster's Request -- frimble
Counterpoint: the exhaustion of seeing one's own struggles reflected in another where they seem so oblivious to obvious impacts of behaviors they seem unwilling to change or even discuss can create a toxic feedback loop where you know your situation is as obvious as theirs and yet all that does is make you feel more terrible for being unable to accept or offer help.
All I'm saying is put your mask on before helping others - you don't need to be perfect, just not at the bottom of a spiral.
posted by abulafa at 10:55 AM on March 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
All I'm saying is put your mask on before helping others - you don't need to be perfect, just not at the bottom of a spiral.
posted by abulafa at 10:55 AM on March 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
All I'm saying is put your mask on before helping others - you don't need to be perfect, just not at the bottom of a spiral.
If people can't reach out when they're at the bottom of a spiral, what are they supposed to do? Just die?
As someone who's spent decades struggling with major depression, at times suicidal, I deeply understand the frustration when it seems someone is mired so deeply in despair they can't even muster hope that it could be different. But saying "don't be at the bottom of a spiral" seems profoundly uncompassionate and unhelpful.
posted by Lexica at 11:02 AM on March 4, 2019 [7 favorites]
If people can't reach out when they're at the bottom of a spiral, what are they supposed to do? Just die?
As someone who's spent decades struggling with major depression, at times suicidal, I deeply understand the frustration when it seems someone is mired so deeply in despair they can't even muster hope that it could be different. But saying "don't be at the bottom of a spiral" seems profoundly uncompassionate and unhelpful.
posted by Lexica at 11:02 AM on March 4, 2019 [7 favorites]
I think there are just two different approaches for two different questions (both of which are likely, at different times, to appear in the minds of depressed people in particular):
—Am I a burden? Should I shut up and never share what I feel? The answer is no.
—Am I selfish? Should I try to carry whatever burden my friends hand me without ever sharing that I too am overwhelmed and vulnerable and barely coping? The answer, here, is also no.
I think it can be enormously enriching to meet another person’s vulnerability with your own—not a lecture, or shaming, or advice, but just the truth that you too are at some kind of edge today and need a moment or some silence or to just go for a walk together. “My friend is also having a rough day and can’t talk much” =/= “I should never tell my friend what’s up with me because it’s too much of a burden for her.”
posted by Aravis76 at 11:21 AM on March 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
—Am I a burden? Should I shut up and never share what I feel? The answer is no.
—Am I selfish? Should I try to carry whatever burden my friends hand me without ever sharing that I too am overwhelmed and vulnerable and barely coping? The answer, here, is also no.
I think it can be enormously enriching to meet another person’s vulnerability with your own—not a lecture, or shaming, or advice, but just the truth that you too are at some kind of edge today and need a moment or some silence or to just go for a walk together. “My friend is also having a rough day and can’t talk much” =/= “I should never tell my friend what’s up with me because it’s too much of a burden for her.”
posted by Aravis76 at 11:21 AM on March 4, 2019 [5 favorites]
If people can't reach out when they're at the bottom of a spiral, what are they supposed to do? Just die?
Absolutely they should reach out, but as abulafa said, they should not put the expectation on themselves that they *should* be able to help others when they have so little resources themselves. It is ok to tell someone at the bottom of their spiral that you love them and accept them, but you need to have boundaries (such as not listening for three hours when you are too exhausted/depressed yourself to be really present)
posted by saucysault at 11:37 AM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
Absolutely they should reach out, but as abulafa said, they should not put the expectation on themselves that they *should* be able to help others when they have so little resources themselves. It is ok to tell someone at the bottom of their spiral that you love them and accept them, but you need to have boundaries (such as not listening for three hours when you are too exhausted/depressed yourself to be really present)
posted by saucysault at 11:37 AM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
If you are at the bottom of a spiral yourself, perhaps that is the time to be reaching out and allowing people to be there for you.
The act of spiralling exerts an outward force on all one's attachments, pushing them away perpendicular to one's own movement. When you've no further to fall, it's not certain if there will be anyone left to reach out to.
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 11:52 AM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
The act of spiralling exerts an outward force on all one's attachments, pushing them away perpendicular to one's own movement. When you've no further to fall, it's not certain if there will be anyone left to reach out to.
posted by Freelance Demiurge at 11:52 AM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
This is more religiously oriented than I usually connect with, but over the last year, the act of saying "I'm having a bad time" and being there for other people having a bad time has been genuinely life-changing. When I stew in my own EVERYTHING IS BAD thoughts, it's so hard to come back from that.
The other thing is that being on the receiving end of that emotional generosity has given me the words and feelings to share when my friends are suffering. Even to the point of joking about "cutting and pasting that thing you told me," which helps both of us get a little perspective.
posted by epersonae at 12:52 PM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
The other thing is that being on the receiving end of that emotional generosity has given me the words and feelings to share when my friends are suffering. Even to the point of joking about "cutting and pasting that thing you told me," which helps both of us get a little perspective.
posted by epersonae at 12:52 PM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
He ain't heavy, he's my brother.
posted by nofundy at 1:06 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by nofundy at 1:06 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
I wish I knew anyone who I was on this level of intimacy with at all.
posted by bleep at 1:09 PM on March 4, 2019 [18 favorites]
posted by bleep at 1:09 PM on March 4, 2019 [18 favorites]
When I was going through a particularly difficult breakup I called one of my best friends to wish him a happy birthday and suddenly broke down and started sobbing on the phone. He talked to me for a long time and helped me through that moment of darkness, something for which I will be forever grateful. I have been there for him as well, as I have for other friends. It is, you know, what friends do.
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:10 PM on March 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
posted by grumpybear69 at 1:10 PM on March 4, 2019 [4 favorites]
"—Am I a burden? Should I shut up and never share what I feel? The answer is no."
With respect, this not has been my experience as a depressed person, and it has also not been the experience of many depressed people of my acquaintance. My experience has been that, if I ever do accept a friend's offer to open up, they either start edging me out of their lives or ghost me immediately, because when you get down to it (in their minds) friends are for fun and depressed people aren't fun.
People will say the words, "You're not a burden," but their slow (or fast) fade away suggests otherwise. As a social worker friend of mine likes saying, "When words and actions are in conflict, believe the actions."
I think the crux is that depressed people don't necessarily have a problem keeping friends who are decent people, but we have a hell of a lot of difficulty making friends with decent people in the first place. Because we are easy targets, we attract users and abusers; this makes it super easy to end up in the "wrong" crowd because, hey, at least they give you some attention instead of politely declining to make eye contact as they walk past.
In conclusion, depression is a land of contrasts and, while no human should be considered a burden, here we are.
posted by mattwan at 1:12 PM on March 4, 2019 [17 favorites]
With respect, this not has been my experience as a depressed person, and it has also not been the experience of many depressed people of my acquaintance. My experience has been that, if I ever do accept a friend's offer to open up, they either start edging me out of their lives or ghost me immediately, because when you get down to it (in their minds) friends are for fun and depressed people aren't fun.
People will say the words, "You're not a burden," but their slow (or fast) fade away suggests otherwise. As a social worker friend of mine likes saying, "When words and actions are in conflict, believe the actions."
I think the crux is that depressed people don't necessarily have a problem keeping friends who are decent people, but we have a hell of a lot of difficulty making friends with decent people in the first place. Because we are easy targets, we attract users and abusers; this makes it super easy to end up in the "wrong" crowd because, hey, at least they give you some attention instead of politely declining to make eye contact as they walk past.
In conclusion, depression is a land of contrasts and, while no human should be considered a burden, here we are.
posted by mattwan at 1:12 PM on March 4, 2019 [17 favorites]
bleep, and anyone else who has trouble reaching out when you're overloaded, feel free to MeMail me anytime. I am just a random Internet stranger, but I promise to listen to you with my whole heart and do everything I can to support you.
posted by hanov3r at 1:29 PM on March 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
posted by hanov3r at 1:29 PM on March 4, 2019 [9 favorites]
"Sometimes in life we are called to carry our friends; other times we need to be carried by them." Yes, and then again, no. In some of my friendships, the dynamic is lopsided, and I do the bulk of the listening because I can; I'm not always sure that these friends will be able to offer me the advice or consolation I need ("Things aren't so bad! Just look at the parking lot, Larry!"--even coming from the junior rabbi--just isn't going to be helpful when I need good analysis and understanding and witness). There's...not a lot of point to vulnerability if I know up front that this friend just isn't built for hearing me on a particular thing even when this friend has sought my advice on complicated situations. So I'm careful about assessing who can handle and help with what. (Same friend, however, might be just the right person to go to about pet grief. It's messy.) Sometimes, even when it's the right friend for the issue, I dial down my vulnerability, because explaining the contours of emotional stuff can be as frustrating as trying to describe a dream, and I will usually deliver the baby without making my friend sit through the labor pains (some of which get unpacked later, and usually produce a response along the lines of "Oh. Shit."). Because sorrows can take time and skill to convey, and not all friends have the emotional stamina to witness and sit with them, and in those cases, I am burdening them. These things don't stop being true when I'm in despair. So while I am in agreement with Peter Wehner about cognitive distortions, and the bad effects of isolation, and the lingering stigma around being in a bad place with your mental health...finding the right outside influence to connect with is essential.
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:21 PM on March 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
posted by MonkeyToes at 3:21 PM on March 4, 2019 [8 favorites]
MonkeyToes expressed my thing way better than I did. Thanks.
posted by abulafa at 5:12 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by abulafa at 5:12 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
The last time I tried talking to a friend about what my life is really like day to day, she started crying. I've been trying to avoid talking about it of late years. There's really nothing anyone can say that will make things better for me, and it's just too much of a weight to lay on them.
posted by orange swan at 5:18 PM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
posted by orange swan at 5:18 PM on March 4, 2019 [6 favorites]
Well, yesterday I voiced one of the bitter self-hating things my brain kept saying about my weight/body, and it hurt a friend who (understandably) took it as also being an insult on her weight/body. I feel really shitty about that. And then she worried that she had been too harsh in mentioning it, when in fact she was far more gentle and polite than I deserved, or than she should have had to be when I’d hurt her. I probably will just keep those thoughts inside in the future because they truly do hurt other people. Better to contain the damage to just myself.
posted by snowmentality at 9:39 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
posted by snowmentality at 9:39 PM on March 4, 2019 [1 favorite]
Quite recently my best friend had to commit her youngest daughter who was having suicidal ideation to an institution. And, it was not easy for me, because I have been institutionalized twice, to listen to my friend, but I did, with tears running down my face, I listened. And gave good advice.
posted by blessedlyndie at 10:33 PM on March 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
posted by blessedlyndie at 10:33 PM on March 4, 2019 [3 favorites]
There's a word in the pull-quote that so much hinges on--true friend--and I'm not sure if I have anything helpful to say to those of you who struggle with not only the struggle itself but the struggle to find such true friends. I wish it weren't the case that it is hard to be/find true friends. I do know that the the experiences I've had in life, including mental health low points and profound grief, have definitely made me a better true friend, and made being a true friend one of the things that's on my daily to-do list: feed the horses, scoop the litter box, let people know I'm listening, be encouraging. It is quite honestly one of the ways that I cope with the disappointments and losses in my own life.
posted by drlith at 4:43 AM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
posted by drlith at 4:43 AM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
a Washington Post columnist; a graduate of Wheaton College, one of the leading evangelical colleges in America; and one of my closest friends—revealed that he was recently hospitalized for depression.
[*insert bitter cracked laugh here*]
Hospitalized? ...what kind of wealth would I have to have, how many of my stresses would vanish, if I had the kind of health care that would let me be hospitalized for the poison that's tearing my soul apart?
I suppose the theory is, if I'm not actively attempting suicide, if I'm not directly planning it, and I'm capable of getting out of bed and going to work, my depression is "not that bad" and it doesn't matter that, were I hospitalized for it, my family would be homeless in a month, so the incentive to stay functional overrides the inclination to get any kind of help that might involve the potential of incapacitating vulnerability.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:00 PM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
[*insert bitter cracked laugh here*]
Hospitalized? ...what kind of wealth would I have to have, how many of my stresses would vanish, if I had the kind of health care that would let me be hospitalized for the poison that's tearing my soul apart?
I suppose the theory is, if I'm not actively attempting suicide, if I'm not directly planning it, and I'm capable of getting out of bed and going to work, my depression is "not that bad" and it doesn't matter that, were I hospitalized for it, my family would be homeless in a month, so the incentive to stay functional overrides the inclination to get any kind of help that might involve the potential of incapacitating vulnerability.
posted by ErisLordFreedom at 10:00 PM on March 5, 2019 [2 favorites]
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