As of this date, there are 433 calendars listed here.

May 22, 2019 9:50 AM

The Compleat Gyde To Tolkien Calendars “Time doesn't seem to pass here: it just is.”
posted by Fizz (29 comments total)

This is fantastic. My father read Tolkien in college and bought a calendar every year. When he read The Hobbit and The Lord of the rings to me and my little sister as children, we used his collection of old calendars as illustrations. These bring up a lot of great memories, particularly that 1974 calendar with the picture of Tolkien sitting under a tree.
posted by ActingTheGoat at 10:10 AM on May 22, 2019

I have to say, this illustration from the 1981 Ballantyne calendar is not quite how I had pictured Luthien and Beren. Also I note the total absence of hemlock umbrels.
posted by Frowner at 10:15 AM on May 22, 2019 [9 favorites]

not quite how I had pictured Luthien and Beren.

Pretty certain this is exactly how Merry and Pippin pictured them.
posted by Fizz at 10:22 AM on May 22, 2019 [11 favorites]

80s fantasy calendars, where all your favorite characters go to become inexplicably lithe and wiry!

anyway all of these Tolkien aesthetics are infinitely superior to Peter Jackson's machine-tooled turd gazebos
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:24 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Wow, I have such memories. I bought the Hildebrandt calendars obsessively for several years. I still like some of their aesthetic, but their elves do not look right, they're not nearly ethereal enough.
posted by suelac at 10:26 AM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

I had this one. It's odd that after all this time it's not quite as I remember it. Childish eyes I suppose, it was a gift from one of my brothers. I suppose the soft porn image Frowner linked to may have made a deeper impression.

There is a numerological coincidence concerning the year of Tolkein's death. If you take the numbers from this poem;

Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die,
One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne

3791. If you indulge in the gymnastics of qanon people, this is 1973, when he died!
posted by adept256 at 10:31 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

It's not even the soft-core aspect per se - although that too is not how I'd pictured, well, anything in Lord of the Rings - it's the weird outfit, strained leaping posture and overall pervy vibe. If it were your standard fantasy calendar romantic soft-core, it wouldn't meet my expectations but it wouldn't seem so weird

That said, I do have trouble picturing the various women in Tolkien as described in the books dancing alone in the woods, "running toward" visitors while in a small room with them, emitting "high cries" from a distance in lieu of saying an ordinary good-bye in words, etc, without laughing a bit. One doesn't totally expect naturalism but it feels like a total absence of situational awareness.
posted by Frowner at 10:40 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

I had the 1977 and 1978 Brothers Hildebrandt calendars. Great blast from the past.
posted by larrybob at 10:46 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

Oh wow, this Mythopoeic Society "1990 NOT Tolkien Calendar"
posted by larrybob at 10:48 AM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

One doesn't totally expect naturalism but it feels like a total absence of situational awareness.

right? where's the braid-tugging?
posted by prize bull octorok at 10:51 AM on May 22, 2019 [10 favorites]

Slightly related, but if anyone has any links to artwork where the hobbits are a bit browner/blacker, please share. I'd love to see this world imagined in that way. I realize much of the lore is from a very specific Anglo-Saxon/Celtic/Norse mythology, but nothing in the books that I can recall specifically states the hobbits are lily-white.
posted by Fizz at 11:14 AM on May 22, 2019 [4 favorites]

http://www.whencanireusethiscalendar.com/ says

Your 2019 calendar is reusable in:
2030, 2041, 2047, 2058, 2069, 2075, 2086, 2097, 2109, and 2115.


In 2019, you can re-use calendars from these years:
2013, 2002, 1991, 1985, 1974, 1963, 1957, 1946, 1935, and 1929.

posted by rebent at 11:53 AM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

I just got to look at a calendar I had as a child and likely haven't seen since the late 80s. I wouldn't have even told you I owned one, but I clicked an 80s link and there it was. Amazing flashback, thank you for the post.
posted by radiosilents at 11:53 AM on May 22, 2019

I had this 1995 calendar. I remember it being really nice. It's amazing what people put on the internet.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 11:58 AM on May 22, 2019

The Hildebrandt bros. LOTR interpretations are masterfully painted, but their most of their characters look absurd as hell.
posted by Liquidwolf at 1:06 PM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

anyway all of these Tolkien aesthetics are infinitely superior to Peter Jackson's machine-tooled turd gazebos

You mean the aesthetics designed by John Howe and Alan Lee, who were the lead production artists/designers on those films?
posted by Fleebnork at 1:13 PM on May 22, 2019 [6 favorites]

You mean the aesthetics designed by John Howe and Alan Lee, who were the lead production artists/designers on those films?

I was gonna say this. I mean, this one from the 1980 Ballantine isn't far at all from the actual movie shot, just for one example.
posted by dnash at 1:23 PM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

I don't think it's possible to mention Tolkien without hearing about how horrible the Peter Jackson movies were. "The Peter Jackson LOTR movies sucked" is just the modern version of "It's impossible to make a LOTR movie".
posted by Mr.Encyclopedia at 2:13 PM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

John Howe and Alan Lee have both dozen so much awesome Tolkien art.
posted by Liquidwolf at 2:19 PM on May 22, 2019

Wasn't Machine-Tooled Turd Gazebos the opening act for Morpheus Descends in the early '90s?
posted by slkinsey at 2:19 PM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

hey, I liked the movies, I just kept wondering which Valar taught mortals CAD
posted by prize bull octorok at 2:21 PM on May 22, 2019 [3 favorites]

I had so many of these as a young’un. Just had a fun afternoon sharing the link with my brothers and a childhood friend.
posted by GenjiandProust at 2:36 PM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

I know Michael Kaluta, the artist who did the Ballantine 1994. There are better pics, plus a new illustration, on his website (which I built long, long ago).

My favorite is Éowyn Before The Gates Of Meduseld. Here's the artist's full-size scan.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 3:08 PM on May 22, 2019 [5 favorites]

One of these was put out by one American Mensa Tolkien Special Interest Group. Man, I bet they could throw some fucking ragers back in the day. The calendar is interesting, clearly done by an amateur with a particular vision.
posted by Countess Elena at 3:51 PM on May 22, 2019 [1 favorite]

Bandwidth limit exceeded
posted by asok at 4:26 PM on May 22, 2019 [7 favorites]

Nice going guys, you borked it :P
posted by Pastor of Muppets at 4:42 PM on May 22, 2019 [2 favorites]

I hope the site gets back online, it would be neat to see these.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:17 AM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

*Site is up and running again.
posted by Fizz at 9:12 AM on May 23, 2019 [1 favorite]

It's down again.
posted by egypturnash at 9:45 AM on May 23, 2019