First lines of emails I’ve received while quarantining

April 14, 2020 2:21 PM

A poem, by Jessica Salfia

Threadreader

Today I got "During the past few weeks, we have seen unprecedented change in our world".

This is not normal

posted by Gorgik (19 comments total)

Sprinkle in a few dozen "WE MISS YOU. FREE CHIPS. FREE PICKLE." from Jimmy John's and this is spot on.
posted by phunniemee at 2:38 PM on April 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

This is good
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 3:11 PM on April 14, 2020

fair work. Derivative sans facsmile is underestimated in poetry IMO, this does, though structured from an event admittingly, vast with consequences, is honestly latticed and fits a form I used in 96' on the topic of E-mail.
personally it's a nice litney of what we know, face and hope to some degree.

The subject matter is a historical game changer and this work is a nice reminder of what to see past and through the indeterminate nature of the human condition.
posted by clavdivs at 3:31 PM on April 14, 2020 [3 favorites]

Heh, I'm not surprised to see it leads off with the most over-used sentence constructions of this whole situation. I think we should ban further use of "in these [adjective] times" until the pandemic is over. About 80% of the e-mails I've received in the last month contain one or more variants of that one.

Companies and organizations also ought to stop saying they are "closely monitoring the situation." I mean, no shit, isn't everybody? I assume you are paying some sort of attention by now, and it's okay to admit you don't know what to do next.
posted by FishBike at 3:45 PM on April 14, 2020 [7 favorites]

I should do one for work emails.

As always, your health and safety is our priority
First and foremost, our focus is on the wellbeing of our workforce
In these trying times, it's important to look after yourself

However
posted by some little punk in a rocket at 4:40 PM on April 14, 2020 [52 favorites]

I watched broadcast TV with ads for the first time since the Before Times last night; I had never realized how much big companies care.
posted by thelonius at 4:50 PM on April 14, 2020 [6 favorites]

We're here for you.™
posted by flod at 5:40 PM on April 14, 2020 [4 favorites]

Is this available in plain text anywhere? :-)
posted by Alensin at 6:38 PM on April 14, 2020

Alensin: Is this available in plain text anywhere? :-)

I've transcribed it here for anyone who needs this in non-image form. (Mods, please remove if this is Not Okay.)

---

The First Lines of Emails I've Received While Quarantining

In these uncertain times
as we navigate the new normal,
Are you willing to share your ideas and solutions?
As you know, many people are struggling.

I know you are up against it:
the digital landscape.
We share your concerns.
As you know, many people are struggling.

We hope this note finds you and your family safe.
We've never seen anything like this before.
Here are 25 Distance Learning Tips!
As you know, many people are struggling.

Feeling Fiesta Today? Happy Taco Tuesday!
Calories don't count during a pandemic.
Grocers report flour shortages as more people are baking than ever!
As you know, many people are struggling.

Count your blessings. Share your blessings.
Get Free Curb-side pick up or ship to your house!
Chicken! Lemon! Artichokes!
As you know, many people are struggling.

How are you inspiring greatness today?
We have a cure for your cabin fever.
Pandemic dial-in town hall TONIGHT!
As you know, many people are struggling.

Mother's Day looks a little different this year.
You're invited to shop all jeans for 50% off!
Yes, buy 1, get 1 free!
As you know, many people are struggling.

Call us to discuss a loan extension without penalty.
ACT NOW: tell Congress Charters should Not Line their Pockets During the COVID crisis.
Now shipping facemasks as recommended by the CDC.
As you know, many people are struggling.

This is not normal.
posted by fader at 7:51 PM on April 14, 2020 [20 favorites]

Damn, too late! I just transcribed it too, mostly out of spite that anyone would think it's appropriate to share a poem as a fucking jpeg. Especially a poet. They even mess up their own line breaks at one point (but I left them as such). Oh well, I'll put my transcription on pastebin so that anyone who wants to share a plain text link can do so.

The poem is decently solid imo, though I agree with clavdivs that it's pretty derivative (I use the term neutrally).
posted by SaltySalticid at 8:03 PM on April 14, 2020 [5 favorites]

Fader, thank you. :)
posted by Alensin at 9:01 PM on April 14, 2020

Ooh, this is fun. Here's mine from work emails:

****
In a ridiculous turn of events
All international travel is suspended

Just in a zoom meeting and saw your email
Apparently Zoom didn't behave for us this time

It would have been great, but unfortunately we are having to cancel
Very bad news and good in another way

In these strange and rapidly changing times
I'm sorry to contact you again but we will need to postpone
I'm sorry for not replying earlier.
Sorry to hear about how difficult things are
I'm sad to hear about that
A shame to hear of more uncertainty

Wow, the world has changed since we were talking about this
It would be great to explore some online options

Recognising the difficulties the situation places on all of us
We understand that the current situation may be impacting your capacity to progress
If arms-length works, it might need to be expanded to 2 arms-length
Would you please confirm that you are cancelling?

I have filled this in and have recorded one main problem
I have a problem with my computer settings
I have had continuing problems
We find ourselves in a really difficult situation

Your opportunities this week include EXTENDED DEADLINE
A new process and policy is coming out shortly.
Please find below some free webinars
posted by lollusc at 9:52 PM on April 14, 2020 [13 favorites]

Dear Friend
Urgent Request!
Congratulations! You're pregnant
Look at this great new website I just found!

From Microsoft: Your wifi has a virus
Double your income!
<no subject>
You're a Winner

Your new password is password
You have a new message from foxxychick69
Your LuvToys parcel is on its way to 46 Acacia Road
U corbynite scum we're coming 4 u
posted by Cardinal Fang at 2:32 AM on April 15, 2020 [2 favorites]

This Is Just To Say

That in these [adjective] times
I have repurposed the e-mails
that were flooding
your inbox

and which
you were probably
itching
to delete

Forgive me
they were poetic
no tweets
and so covid
posted by chavenet at 2:34 AM on April 15, 2020 [15 favorites]

Large segments of the American economy have been shuttered for nearly a month.
Save 3% on all your Apple purchases with Apple Card.
Welcome new global friends to our virtual events!

Our hearts go out to you, your families and anyone who has been directly or indirectly affected by the coronavirus (COVID-19).
If you hold a life insurance policy or an annuity contract issued by a New York State Department of Financial Services (the "Department") regulated insurer, you may be entitled to certain deferrals of insurance premium payments.
Thank you for your purchase, this email confirms your order. 

A third-party OAuth application (Mozilla Identity and Access Management) with read:user and user:email scopes was recently authorized to access your account.
Hey folks, it's the latest issue of the kottke.org newsletter with Jason Kottke.
As we navigate this unprecedented time, the well-being of our customers, colleagues and communities are our top priority.

We detected a login attempt on your Linode account from Firefox on Mac OS X.


Am I doing it right?
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posted by flabdablet at 9:22 AM on April 15, 2020 [5 favorites]

I enjoyed the poem and don't feel the need to prove that I could have done the same.

Thank you for sharing it.
posted by kimberussell at 12:16 PM on April 15, 2020 [3 favorites]

Sorry, I should have said I also enjoyed the poem. I wasn't trying to prove anyone could do it (actually the process was interesting because it was much harder than I had expected, and I didn't think my result was anywhere near as good as the original). I was riffing off it for fun. Just as when people create the Icebox/plums parody poems, I don't think they are trying to prove they could have done the same, but rather responding in a creative way to something they enjoyed.
posted by lollusc at 8:11 PM on April 15, 2020 [4 favorites]

As for mine, I intend to howl it at the top of my lungs while playing drums.
posted by flabdablet at 8:34 PM on April 15, 2020 [3 favorites]