Are English Men The Worst Lovers In The World?

July 26, 2002 11:19 AM

Are English Men The Worst Lovers In The World? Oh yes, absolutely, says Canadian columnist and "acknowledged beauty" Leah McClaren after her disheartening experience in London. And, truth be told, I've never heard any woman friend, whatever her nationality, actually praise their enthusiasm, sensitivity, or prowess. But are Canadians any better? Are Italians really the best of the latin lovers? Are Frenchmen only at their best when adulterous? Are American liberals too self-conscious? Stereotypes are fun and, like clichés, methinks there may be something to them...
posted by MiguelCardoso (60 comments total)

I think the majority of MeFi users is actually male, and if we really want to play this game we have to ask the English guys' girlfriends if it's true. Men can't really contirubute to this thread

Anyway Miguel, you're half English arent' you? What's your wife opinion (half-opinion)?
posted by matteo at 11:26 AM on July 26, 2002

Asian guys are without a doubt, sex's best kept secret... why do you think you never see us in pornos? we don't want you to knooooooooooowwww! ::waves arms mysteriously, before dashing off into the cold night::
posted by lotsofno at 11:28 AM on July 26, 2002

I think much of Leah's problems lie in the fact that she went out with these British men:

a) Many went to boarding school at an early age, thus forfeiting essential affection from their mothers, leaving them all but incapable of intimacy with women.

b) Many drink too much, leaving them all but incapable of intimacy with women.

Surely after 12 dates she must be considering going after different types of British guys? But then maybe my being Asian balances out my British ineptitude...
posted by adrianhon at 11:35 AM on July 26, 2002

Are English Men The Worst Lovers In The World?

I don't know, but gimme a little time alone with Jude Law (my secret gay crush) and I'll get back to you.
posted by ColdChef at 11:36 AM on July 26, 2002

Perhaps British guys are getting a bad rap because wimpy journalists and important people never leave the shitty New York City clone known as 'London'. A country is a lot bigger than its capital city, folks.
posted by wackybrit at 11:36 AM on July 26, 2002

Holy Crap! Has anyone looked at that second link? Leah's bio?

MY SEXUALITY: I am really trying to be a good feminist and reclaim my "wet, water village."

I have no idea what that means, but yowza!
posted by ColdChef at 11:58 AM on July 26, 2002

any writer who mentions "the rules" in any sort of positive light gets a thumbs down in my book. just because a man isn't trying to hustle you into bed every second doesn't mean he has "intimacy issues" (i know several american men with intimacy issues who sleep with a lot of women) or is a bad lover. and if a woman wants to get it on so badly, she can certainly make the first move.

in other words, 12 dates does not an expert make.
posted by witchstone at 12:01 PM on July 26, 2002

12 attempts at snogging does not a study make. what a dumb broad. all apologies to the brits, but i'm glad she's relocated there. they must have all been beer soaked pub crawlers to have found her ordinary charms a beauty worth acknowledging *rolls eyes*

as for who's best, gimme a break. there's good and bad wherever you are. altho' mad props to serbian-canadian boys, rawr.
posted by t r a c y at 12:09 PM on July 26, 2002

I don't see what's wrong with going out with a guy and his friends before dating. We keep hearing that if we don't meet the man's buddies then he may be trying to hide something from us. Now, apparently, getting to know his friends is a problem, too. And as witchstone says, anyone who thinks "the rules" should even be mentioned can't be trusted. Ah well, different daters, different expectations. Given that the UK has a higher population than Canada, British men must be doing something right.
posted by Salmonberry at 12:09 PM on July 26, 2002

From the article: For a North American male, romancing English girls is like shooting fish in a barrel.

If this is true, I'm moving to England!
posted by kirkaracha at 12:21 PM on July 26, 2002

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest.
Nobody does it half as good as meeeeee...
Baby, I'm the best....
posted by Perigee at 12:27 PM on July 26, 2002

You had one eye in the mirror as
You watched yourself cavort
And all the girls dreamed that they'd be your partner
They'd be your partner, and

You're so vain
posted by matteo at 12:31 PM on July 26, 2002

I'm British and scored 33% on this. The theory holds water like a wet water village.

Kirkaracha, accents play well anywhere mate.
posted by vbfg at 12:36 PM on July 26, 2002

How was your Birthday Miguel, obviously you have woman and sex on your mind. :) \!!!/

I think the majority of MeFi users is actually male, and if we really want to play this game we have to ask the English guys' girlfriends (what they have two; "s", as guys is plural possessive, I want to be English now)
Minds an American, of late, never "pulled" an UK girl, I just speak english. So now what is the % on Meta?
Miguel, I would love to come to Lisbon, and all I'll ask of the ladies, "do you speak english" in Portuguese. Thus never uttering another tangible word, besides "sweet nothings''. Then we can really see.(they won't know my origin just assume by my question)
Also english is a language, which I use to communicate with woman, of all languages. While in France, yet what we spoke didn't matter, as the Estades de United male was what they wanted, meaning foreign input. Or maybe me for my personality, which does have its sexual side, too. And if your "English" go to The Londoner, as the Dallasite woman use it for their meat market. Plus that is the place to poll in these parts. Yet you "blokes" will have no problem "pulling" with your cheeky accents and all. Why did I bring this all up, well I was thought of as from the UK, not America while in Europe, so anyone who says their native tongue is "English", I have their back too.

I like how Canadian is English French or French English, yet how to compare to UK or France? It's a Canadian thing in my opinion.
posted by thomcatspike at 12:37 PM on July 26, 2002

I'm ashamed to say (being British),

if Americans are pipped at the post for frequency, they make up for it with stamina, taking an average of 28 minutes to have sex.

Australians come a close second at 23 minutes while Brits manage to endure just under 23 minutes.

Even though Paris was voted the most romantic place in the world by men and women of all ages, French citizens were found to take just 16 minutes over love making - leaving more time to take in the sights of the capital city.

Lovers in Thailand are fastest of all, devoting 10 minutes to the task.

Asian guys are sex's best kept secret? Perhaps we blinked and missed it ;)
posted by stuporJIX at 12:37 PM on July 26, 2002

We Canadians have to do something to keep us warm in the winter. No way in Hell we're the worst.
posted by Dark Messiah at 12:37 PM on July 26, 2002

never "pulled" an UK girl, I just speak english.




really?™
posted by interrobang at 12:45 PM on July 26, 2002

interrobang, leave thomcat alone. he's our favorite expert at language deconstruction.

His "meaning foreign input" alone is priceless. Thanks for the great post thomcat
posted by matteo at 1:01 PM on July 26, 2002

As requested by matteo, this English guy asked his (English) girlfriend - who has travelled the world over many years and can speak from a little experience - the question and got the following reply:

'It's got nothing to do with where someone is from, it's how much you love them.'

We're getting married next summer :-)))
posted by i_cola at 1:08 PM on July 26, 2002

From the article: For a North American male, romancing English girls is like shooting fish in a barrel.

If this is true, I'm moving to England!

Look at some pictures of average English women and you will soon change your mind, matey.
posted by wackybrit at 1:13 PM on July 26, 2002

Asian guys are without a doubt, sex's best kept secret... why do you think you never see us in pornos?

I've seen a lot of asian porn. Many of the men in them didn't seem to be very well endowed. I don't know if this is a realistic indication of the size expectations of the general Asian male population though. I think this is the reason behind them being under-represented in porn, at least of the American variety.
posted by schlaager at 1:13 PM on July 26, 2002

Much as the article may have produced giggles around the office here, we shouldn't discount the possibility that Ms. McLaren may well be a very uninteresting person desperate for attention from just about anyone.

Just because a woman is cute doesn't mean that she's not completely dull. I for one do not wish to be in a situation where I have to make post-coital chit-chat with a girl whose beauty is her sole attraction.
posted by clevershark at 1:23 PM on July 26, 2002

Thanks matteo, yet interrbang missed this earlier post, but with his name I'm sure he would have loved it. Yet I'm American we say to a buddy "pull" my finger and fart. Not, hey buddy lets go "pull" some tang........... and if your with a woman in bed and use pull, maybe that is why the Canadian chic is upset, ouch! (In a sexy voice) Feel me interrbang. (then in a hurt voice)Don't tug!.......;P
posted by thomcatspike at 1:35 PM on July 26, 2002

People, although we (English men who happen to live in London, all she tried) might be bad at sex (unlikely but a possibility) we do make a nice cup of tea a couple of english muffins dripping with honey and butter and a blanket to snuggle under whilst the driving rain whips against the glass outside. Which y'know, is actually better.
posted by nedrichards at 1:45 PM on July 26, 2002

I for one do not wish to be in a situation where I have to make post-coital chit-chat with a girl

Better go to Paris then, where the pull of the sightseeing will save you!
posted by rushmc at 1:46 PM on July 26, 2002

Ahh... Leah McLaren. "A newspaper columnist with an audience of one."*
posted by D at 1:56 PM on July 26, 2002

clevershark wrote: we shouldn't discount the possibility that Ms. McLaren may well be a very uninteresting person desperate for attention from just about anyone.

I was thinking something along those lines, 12 different dates and nothing happened? Maybe she's doing something to turn the guys off? I did find this amusing : Leah McLaren: Canadian Asshole.
posted by bobo123 at 1:57 PM on July 26, 2002

('Preciate you leavin out the part about the apricot scarf, Matteo. It's really only on weekends and in the company of a few close friends...)
posted by Perigee at 2:09 PM on July 26, 2002

English blokes are absolutely sh*te at pulling, except within their own immediate communities. So much of the culture is tied up in getting absolutely blotto that sobriety is a serious hurdle when making advances.
This comes, by the way, from an English guy who accounts all his successes to copious quantities of alcohol. Imbibe with caution, me beauties! ;o)
posted by RokkitNite at 2:16 PM on July 26, 2002

Asian guys are sex's best kept secret? Perhaps we blinked and missed it ;)

Incontinence-rendering-hilarity.
posted by dcgartn at 2:28 PM on July 26, 2002

If I went out with this chic 12 times and no action. First of all, no alcohol in the world going to help me with her poor attitude then. She did say she goes to pubs. Her personality alone must suck, or the lack of one. Or, I'm saving her for marriage, gee which would she have?

I say what she forgot to tell you all..............
She has rope burns around her neck from when she was a child. As they had to tie a pork chop around it, so the dog would play with her. :p
posted by thomcatspike at 2:36 PM on July 26, 2002

Let's give a round of applause to thomcatspike, my favorite poster on this site and an Internet treasure. Funny, peurile, profound, incomprehensible, compelling. Thomcatspike is always at least one of these things, and sometimes all of them at once. I salute you, thomcat!
posted by Holden at 2:55 PM on July 26, 2002

I mean, "foreign input," followed by "don't tug." Am I the only one laughing my ass off?
posted by Holden at 2:57 PM on July 26, 2002

I come back from my holiday, and see that it's the height of the silly season. I think this says it all. And wackybrit: not getting laid much? Don't necessarily blame the women.
posted by riviera at 3:37 PM on July 26, 2002

Do british accents work well on American ladies? and if so which type?

Hugh Grant, Ewan McGregor or Michael Caine?

(I'm getting my elocution lessons lined up, I'm a sound-a-like for Vinnie Jones since birth)
posted by selton at 4:04 PM on July 26, 2002

Lovely, wackybrit, thonks. Sorry - couldn't see through the holes in the paper bag that most of us English girls are made to wear - meant to type 'thanks'
posted by calico at 4:10 PM on July 26, 2002

Slightly going off the subject - which is BS as far as a girlie with a British boyfriend sees it!...Do "posh" female British accents work when talking to the opposite sex?
posted by titch at 4:18 PM on July 26, 2002

What I want to know is, when you start listing numbers like "taking an average of 28 minutes to have sex," where exactly does the clock start ticking?
posted by JanetLand at 4:32 PM on July 26, 2002

If they start talking about the "average", that's the time to say good night. 28 minutes - huh! Forget it!
posted by titch at 4:38 PM on July 26, 2002

For a North American male, romancing English girls is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Which is fine, if you want fish from the barrel.
posted by inpHilltr8r at 5:42 PM on July 26, 2002

"posh" female British accents certainly work on this member of the opposite sex.
posted by mmascolino at 6:05 PM on July 26, 2002

Asian guys are sex's best kept secret? Perhaps we blinked and missed it

ouch...

i'll be off crying somewhere now, if you need me.
posted by lotsofno at 6:42 PM on July 26, 2002

I know that in the UK, I got plenty of offers, so I don't think the British men are terribly shy about pulling. I think maybe the difference is that not once did a British man think that a quick night out at the pub was going to result in a quickie back at my place. They seemed far more traditional with the dating structure. (Which was good with me...I think I'd rather know someone before I blow them anyway...seems only polite, really.)

As to her disgust with Eton boys: I've dated Eton/Oxford men and found them to be fascinating conversationalists, brilliant drinking buddies, and to be truthful, found them to be quite adventurous in the linens.

I don't think nationality is a factor. I think the level of interest you have in one another is the primary ingredient for a fun time...in and out of clothes. If you like each other, enjoy each others company and find a yummy sexual chemistry...well, yay team!

I posit that Ms McClaren, lacking sufficient soporifics and aphrodisiacs, probably couldn't get laid on either side of the Atlantic.
posted by dejah420 at 6:52 PM on July 26, 2002

asian men are SO underrated. don't worry, lotsofno.
posted by pikachulolita at 6:58 PM on July 26, 2002

Do "posh" female British accents work when talking to the opposite sex?

Oh, my lord, YES!!
posted by rushmc at 7:40 PM on July 26, 2002

Yes. Posh, middle-class, Cockney, any Brit accent.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 7:41 PM on July 26, 2002

What I want to know is, when you start listing numbers like "taking an average of 28 minutes to have sex," where exactly does the clock start ticking?

When the shuttle has docked with the station, I should hope?
posted by y2karl at 7:44 PM on July 26, 2002

Look at some pictures of average English women and you will soon change your mind, matey.

Let's see a picture of you Wackybrit. See what we have to live with? No wonder I go Welsh.
posted by Summer at 4:41 AM on July 27, 2002

She has rope burns around her neck from when she was a child. As they had to tie a pork chop around it, so the dog would play with her.

thomcat for president. we love you man
posted by matteo at 6:04 AM on July 27, 2002

Ah, but I was talking about the ladies, not us blokes. It is a common sight to see ugly blokes with lovely ladies, so the attractiveness of the bloke really doesn't come into it.

FYI, however, I am an incredibly ugly sack of shite, but that doesn't matter.. I'm not dating and have no interest in doing so. Trolling people like you is far more entertaining. Go team!
posted by wackybrit at 6:05 AM on July 27, 2002

I don't know about sex (at least not with Englishmen), but thanks to the presence of the four Pacheco brothers from the only immigrant family from Portugal in our small, northern BC town, most folks from there, of my generation at least, are stuck with the stereotype that Portuguese men are both dumb as posts and consumed with vanity.

Not all stereotypes are fun.

thomcat for president.

I'm thinking thomcat is the president. Some similarities in syntax, there.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 6:38 AM on July 27, 2002

FYI, however, I am an incredibly ugly sack of shite, but that doesn't matter.. I'm not dating and have no interest in doing so. Trolling people like you is far more entertaining.

OK, you think calling girls ugly on Web forums is more entertaining than dating them. I knew a few boys like you at school.
posted by Summer at 9:09 AM on July 27, 2002

I get it! You're one of those conventional types who thinks everyone has to have a partner to be happy in life? How cute.
posted by wackybrit at 10:49 AM on July 27, 2002

You two watch out - the provisions of the Romantic Comedy (Rules Governing Arguments Therein) Act, 1998 mean that you will have to fall in love if you carry on like that. Is that an eventuality you're prepared for?

Please, be careful. For the sake of the children.
posted by Grangousier at 11:08 AM on July 27, 2002

You have a point. Especially if I happen to look like Hugh Grant or Tom Hanks. I'm not prepared for that eventuality, and as a way of conceding, I will say that Donna Air, Keira Knightley, Becky Jago, and the girls from S Club are attractive. I lost!
posted by wackybrit at 11:29 AM on July 27, 2002

I must say in her defence, the types of British guys she'd "dated" were not typical British males. There is no way I would EVER contemplate meeting let alone going out for a drink with that kind of guy - unless it was a bet maybe!
posted by titch at 3:55 AM on July 28, 2002

Titch, welcome to MetaFilter! No condescending or BS: your first three comments were to the point, true and thought-provoking. :)
posted by MiguelCardoso at 10:52 AM on July 28, 2002

Followup: one of the dates replies to Leah. Via Textism, of course - your one-stop shop for Leah McLaren-bashing.
posted by D at 1:21 PM on August 2, 2002

Followup: one of the dates replies to Leah.
Let me put you straight. . . Englishmen are not repressed homosexuals
Then I suggested that she should come over and I would cook her dinner. Which she did. We drank champagne as I added the final touches to one of Marco Pierre White's sea bream with citrus fruit starters, after which, slightly to my surprise, she asked if I would go and buy her some cigarettes. Which I did. We had a couple of glasses of white Burgundy with our main course and then I opened a Chateau Gruaud 1985 to accompany the cheese.

Ummm...Her argument still seems more persuasive than his. Heh. ;)
posted by ColdChef at 2:25 PM on August 2, 2002

McLaren: Canadian guys rule
posted by todd at 7:29 AM on August 5, 2002