So you want a pet monkey?

August 23, 2002 8:14 AM

So you want a pet monkey? Owning a monkey is a big commitment. Do your research before taking in a primate. For example, consider famous monkeys in history. Don't forget you'll need to learn how to diaper your monkey. If you live with someone, be considerate and discuss your desire for a pet monkey with them or just send them a card. Decide what kind of monkey you want. Perhaps a little red monkey like this or this? If all else fails, try a sock monkey instead. You can buy one or make it yourself. Not into sock monkeys you say? Adopt an out of work dotcommer. Rumor has it there's even a chimp in the White House.
posted by VelvetHellvis (60 comments total)

Joy. Rapture.
posted by ColdChef at 8:19 AM on August 23, 2002

From the first link:

Your monkey gave you what?

Hepatitis, herpes, measles, rabies, and much more. These are all known as zoonotic diseases or diseases that can be transmitted to humans from animals. The most serious of these is the Herpes B virus, which is a natural disease in different species of macaque monkeys. Herpes B causes little harm to monkeys but has a 100% mortality rate in humans that develop the clinical disease. Measles are the most frequently reported viral disease of non-human primates. Upon infection, the primate sheds the virus and can reinfect humans. For more information about many other zoonotic diseases we encourage you to contact the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
But I used a condom!
posted by ColdChef at 8:22 AM on August 23, 2002

Whatever you do, don't spank them. Corporeal punishment is not the best way to instill discipline.
posted by adampsyche at 8:24 AM on August 23, 2002

I'm sure the folks over at 9622.net are overjoyed.
posted by malphigian at 8:28 AM on August 23, 2002

that diaper link was mine! mine, i tell you!
posted by witchstone at 8:30 AM on August 23, 2002

All one could ask for in a monkey post!
Joyce Carol Oates

You'll never look at a monkey in the same way!
Hudson Review

Does for monkeys what y2karl does for the blues!
Mariah Carey
posted by MiguelCardoso at 8:30 AM on August 23, 2002

Also from the first link:

Are you breaking the law?

For all the reasons listed above, keeping nonhuman primates as pets is illegal in many parts of the country.

All bets are off on human primates as pets, though. I happen to know one who is looking for a good home if anyone is interested.
posted by deathofme at 8:31 AM on August 23, 2002

I am suffering from monkeylink overload... whoa there fella, slow down!
posted by tj at 8:34 AM on August 23, 2002

I knew someone who had a pet monkey, and all it did all day was run around pleasuring himself. It was quite messy.
posted by adampsyche at 8:34 AM on August 23, 2002

Someone say something about a monkey?
posted by 10sball at 8:35 AM on August 23, 2002

Ah, but monkeys can be so unruly. What with the feces and boners and all.

*shudder*
posted by pardonyou? at 8:36 AM on August 23, 2002

Remember, kids: fling isn't simply to throw, but to throw with violence...
posted by adampsyche at 8:40 AM on August 23, 2002

Monkeys need almost constant stimulation to keep them healthy. Ask yourself if you are ready to have an animal that can destroy your house and everything in it.
I can confirm this.We had a lot of pets in my family (suburban Orange County, California), and a monkey (green capuchin) was one of 'em. Basically, it amounts to a person in terms of attention needed.
Of all the pets we had, snakes, tortoises, pig, kinkajou, guinea pigs, iguanas, gecko, tarantulas (the list goes on, folks), the best were the dogs, because of the human-like emotions, and parrots are good because they like to bathe. Many things sold as pets (reptiles, for example) don't really qualify as such, they are more like exhibits, because they have hard-wired brain circuits, basically run on a set of instincts and don't have much capacity for "thought" or relationships.
posted by planetkyoto at 8:43 AM on August 23, 2002

Many things sold as pets (reptiles, for example) don't really qualify as such, they are more like exhibits, because they have hard-wired brain circuits, basically run on a set of instincts and don't have much capacity for "thought" or relationships.
This also describes Vin Diesel.
posted by ColdChef at 8:45 AM on August 23, 2002

I was with you 'till you bottomed out at salon.com, with another absolutely hilarious assault on the physical appearance of human being, and his hilariously(overdone ad nauseum) very progressive resemblance to a primate. Why is this type of bullshit not called out as "trolling"?

Frankly, I don't really give the derriere of a parasitic rodent, but one man's troll is another man's freedom fighter, right?

I have criticized the asinine, pointless "Bush-is-a-chimp" style nonsense before, which is still nothing but the most base form of an ignorant partisan schoolyard taunt.

If that is your sophisticated, progressive jibe at "the man" then you should check out the sixties, when it was still boring, but at least a novelty.
posted by hama7 at 8:45 AM on August 23, 2002

And don't forget what happens when monkeys go bad.
posted by gottabefunky at 8:46 AM on August 23, 2002

has anyone noticed that george 'dubya' bush looks like a monkey?
posted by sid at 8:49 AM on August 23, 2002

Right turn, Clyde.
posted by greengrl at 8:52 AM on August 23, 2002

has anyone noticed that george 'dubya' bush looks like a monkey?
You don't say!
posted by ColdChef at 8:53 AM on August 23, 2002

I don’t want to be too picky but most of the famous monkeys in history are in fact apes. See here and here for information on Taxonomy. By the way, recent genetic study shows that chimpanzees are more closely related to humans than they are to the other great apes. Taxonomically, this means humans are apes or chimpanzees are hominids… You be the judge.


Here are some references

Ulfur Arnason, Anette Gullberg, Axel Janke, Xiufeng Xu. (1996)
Pattern and Timing of Evolutionary Divergences Among Hominoids Based on Analyses of Complete mtDNAs.Journal of Molecular Evolution, 43:650-661

Ulfur Arnason, Xiufeng Xu, Anette Gullberg, Dan Graur. (1996)Molecular Reference for Calibrating Recent Evolutionary Divergences. Journal of Molecular Evolution, 43:41-45

Sibley, Charles G. and Ahlquist, Jon E. (1984) The phylogeny of the hominoid primates, as indicated by DNA-DNA hybridization. Journal of Molecular Evolution, 20:2-15.

Sibley, Charles G. and Ahlquist, Jon E. (1987) DNA hybridization evidence of hominoid phylogeny: Evidence from an expanded data set. Journal of Molecular Evolution, 26:99-121.

Sibley, Charles G., Comstock, John A., and Ahlquist, Jon E. (1990)
DNA hybridization evidence of hominoid phylogeny: A reanalysis of the data.
Journal of Molecular Evolution, 30:202-236.

For details on the discussion go here and scroll down to the discussion by Chris Ho-Stuart. (The source of the references).
posted by ALvard at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2002

This also describes Vin Diesel.

*sigh* ultimately, this is why i decided to give him up. i still miss the way he'd sun himself on the heatrock, though.
posted by witchstone at 8:54 AM on August 23, 2002

Hama needs some sweet cream for his bitter, bitter brew.

And pet monkeys...I don't know. Seems like only a matter of time until they take over the house. The shoe'll be on the other foot when they're poking you with a fondue fork and making you put the diaper and sailor suit on.
posted by Kafkaesque at 8:56 AM on August 23, 2002

For Hama7: Evolution
posted by ColdChef at 8:56 AM on August 23, 2002

Miguel, you forgot:

"Haven't you always wanted a monkey?"
Bare Naked Ladies
posted by m@ at 8:58 AM on August 23, 2002

You don't say!

I just thought I'd raise the thought - hama7 seemed a bit perturbed.
posted by sid at 9:00 AM on August 23, 2002

I don't want to be too picky but most of the famous monkeys in history are in fact apes.

It's all good. Chimps, monkeys, apes, orangutans, gorillas. They all bring me joy.
posted by ColdChef at 9:00 AM on August 23, 2002

So you want a pet monkey?

Actually, no. No, I don't.

NedKoppel@everybody'[e-mail]
posted by NedKoppel at 9:01 AM on August 23, 2002

Actually I just find monkeys fun. No, political agenda with this one. The linkage just all came together in a giant monkey link gumbo. I'll keep my "for" or "against" George W. opinions to myself, Hama7.
posted by VelvetHellvis at 9:03 AM on August 23, 2002

This just goes to prove that not even The All-Powerful Math Owie can truly kill a cult thread.
posted by briank at 9:04 AM on August 23, 2002

Well, if you love your monkeys so much, why don't you marry one?

(void where prohibited by law. tax and tags not included.)
posted by octobersurprise at 9:05 AM on August 23, 2002

Actually I just find monkeys fun.

Well, they do fling their own poop at the wall sometimes. That's pretty fun.
posted by NedKoppel at 9:06 AM on August 23, 2002

Why is this type of bullshit not called out as "trolling"?

Oh, but a sock monkey in it already. You obviously have much to learn about what a troll is. Go urinize on another thread.
posted by adampsyche at 9:08 AM on August 23, 2002

Aha, the monkey post where all the cool kids are hanging out!
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 9:13 AM on August 23, 2002

I feel it appropriate to plug the Buy A Brick program, where you can buy a personalized patio brick to help fund helping monkeys for paralyzed people.
posted by adampsyche at 9:15 AM on August 23, 2002

OctoberSurprise, who says I didn't marry one? ;-)
posted by VelvetHellvis at 9:16 AM on August 23, 2002

So...it's ok to have a pet monkey if you're paralyzed?
posted by goethean at 9:17 AM on August 23, 2002

MeTa. I'm really getting sick of this shit. It's making me old and crusty before my natural time.
posted by yhbc at 9:20 AM on August 23, 2002

$50,000 to $60,000 will be needed to take care of one monkey for his or her life...Monkeys can live for up to 30 or 40 years...

So I guess it comes down to, do you want a monkey or do you want a child.

But don't forget monkeys are smarter than cops. [I am sure someone will let me know if this has been posted before, a search for it didn't give any results, but it's best monkey story this year, so it's worth mentioning again.]

Monkeys will rule the world someday, we need to get on their good side.
posted by nemesis at 9:20 AM on August 23, 2002

Monkeys bring joy, not anger. Release the good.
posted by ColdChef at 9:21 AM on August 23, 2002

who says I didn't marry one? ;-)

Were you in this?

The monkey marrying part doesn't bother me, btw--it's having to diaper your spouse that creeps me out.
posted by octobersurprise at 9:24 AM on August 23, 2002

I...cannot...stop...myself...

Little Red Monkee
posted by ColdChef at 9:25 AM on August 23, 2002

Since the thread has deteriorated:

Here is a good reason not to get a nonhuman primate for a pet…
posted by ALvard at 9:30 AM on August 23, 2002

Not deteriorated...evolved...
posted by adampsyche at 9:32 AM on August 23, 2002

Fuck you and fuck your evolution. We were probably happier in the trees.
posted by ColdChef at 9:35 AM on August 23, 2002

Whatever BJ McKay and his best friend Bear did.
posted by hama7 at 9:45 AM on August 23, 2002

Why can't they make these in adult sizes?

Charlie Crow Knows
Another name for monkey is Ape. American monkeys can use their tails to grasp things. Eurasian monkeys cannot do this.

Play Ideas
Jungle Book, monkey mime and Dance Good for animal role play
posted by ColdChef at 9:53 AM on August 23, 2002

Back when SNL was funny.
posted by debralee at 9:58 AM on August 23, 2002

I like monkeys.
posted by debralee at 10:00 AM on August 23, 2002

For your up-to-the-minute monkey, ape, and chimp news, there's the Monkeywire mailing list.
posted by 88robots at 10:18 AM on August 23, 2002

Well, if you love your monkeys so much, why don't you marry one?

I think monkeys make great marriage material, especially ones that can cook and do crafts!
posted by catfood at 10:32 AM on August 23, 2002

Never in my life have I seen so much monkey frivolity. Who knew there was so much monkey-related goodness on the web? Next thing you know we'll have a sort of "MonkeyFilter" with all kinds of zany posts. Nah, that's too crazy -- it'll never happen.
posted by pardonyou? at 10:32 AM on August 23, 2002

"Oh, that is so lame. You will pay for your use of inappropriate diologue!" Mojo Jojo.
posted by nyxxxx at 10:42 AM on August 23, 2002

My monkey fixation is the sort of thing that worries friends and relatives. I have at least forty or so stuffed monkeys of various kinds (sock and otherwise), spent almost my entire day (well, workday) thinking of a monkey-related domain name I could live with for a year. I even plan to get Mojo as my next tattoo.

Monkeys may be cute, but they're dangerous. Watch out, it all starts with one Curious George book, then before you know it your living room looks like something out of Discount Lion Safari.
posted by Kellydamnit at 11:34 AM on August 23, 2002

When I was around 9 and living in northern Canada (Manitoba for those familiar with the country) my friend had a spider monkey. We all thought that he was very cool, smelly but cool.

Unfortunately he was so smelly the family had to banish him to a makeshift cage on the porch. In the winter they piled electric heaters around his cage to keep the chill away.

Well one night there was a blackout, and while the family slept the poor little guy froze solid!

The moral of the story is that monkeys shouldn't live in northern Manitoba, it's too cold.
posted by canucklehead at 12:27 PM on August 23, 2002

By the way...this makes me feel all dirty. In a good way.
Barbie Doll and Curious George Doll
For over six decades, the escapades of a mischievous little monkey and the man in the yellow hat have entertained boys and girls around the world. Now, Curious George™ goes on a whole new adventure with a new friend, Barbie® doll. Barbie wears a playful dress that depicts cherished moments from her favorite Curious George stories. She wears an enchanting yellow and white gingham outfit, trimmed with a crisp white collar and red and white trim. A fabulous white panel depicting George himself encircles her skirt. Yellow high-heeled Mary Janes, bold red earrings, and a yellow and white gingham hat complete the look. Beautifully reproduced in soft plush, George proudly accompanies her.
posted by ColdChef at 12:29 PM on August 23, 2002

hama7 rote: I have criticized the asinine, pointless "Bush-is-a-chimp" style nonsense before, which is still nothing but the most base form of an ignorant partisan schoolyard taunt.

If that is your sophisticated, progressive jibe at "the man" then you should check out the sixties, when it was still boring, but at least a novelty.

I Give You: The Smirking Chimp.

Enjoy.
posted by NedKoppel at 12:31 PM on August 23, 2002

I have criticized the asinine, pointless "Bush-is-a-chimp" style nonsense before

And people didn't stop? The nerve.

What you're somehow managing to miss, hama7, is that calling Dubya a chimp isn't an insult. In fact, his obvious resemblance to our primate relatives happens to be his most noble feature. Politics completely aside, it's marvelous to see such an obviously chimp-like person as president.
posted by mediareport at 4:39 PM on August 23, 2002

Methinks he looks a little like a fish. (if you get Tony Blair on the first try, refresh it.)
posted by adampsyche at 5:00 PM on August 23, 2002

mediaretort: all humans look like monkeys. It's so clever to find another dippy political example. No, really, it is.
posted by hama7 at 6:31 AM on August 24, 2002

Yes, but Dubya looks *extra* chimplike. He's Chimp-esque, he's Chimp-isme. C'est ne pas un chimp.

Let me put it this way, if this were The Planet of the Apes, he would *still* be president.
posted by nyxxxx at 1:16 PM on August 24, 2002