How To Beat A Dead Horse (Into Smithereens)
August 31, 2022 4:59 PM Subscribe
The agencies of the United States government often have procedures for unusual situations. For example, the Forest Service winds up with the issue of dealing with a dead pack animal in the field, where a carcass could potentially attract the wrong sort of attention. The agency's solution - high explosives, in large quantities.
It was long ago
Seems like yes-ter-day
I saw your carcass on the trail
Too big to drag a-way/
40 sticks seems like a lot
But you're too large to just let rot
I close my eyes and I see
'Splo-ding Po-nies.
- the Smithereens
posted by bartleby at 5:34 PM on August 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
Seems like yes-ter-day
I saw your carcass on the trail
Too big to drag a-way/
40 sticks seems like a lot
But you're too large to just let rot
I close my eyes and I see
'Splo-ding Po-nies.
- the Smithereens
posted by bartleby at 5:34 PM on August 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
[Ancient Greeks] What if we filled a wooden horse with an advance party of armed warriors
[modern American public servants] Hold my drip-brew coffee
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:41 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
[modern American public servants] Hold my drip-brew coffee
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 5:41 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
Forest Service? U ok?
posted by rikschell at 5:55 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by rikschell at 5:55 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
The unexpected high-stakes sequel to They Shoot Horses, Don't They?
posted by ZaphodB at 5:57 PM on August 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by ZaphodB at 5:57 PM on August 31, 2022 [10 favorites]
where a carcass could potentially attract the wrong sort of attention
"HEY, YO, OVAH HEAH! YEAH YOU! THE HOT LITTLE MOOSE CARCASS!"
"YOU GOT SOME OF THOSE BLOWFLIES FOR ME, BABY?"
"OOH YEAH, HOT CARCASS! SHAKE THAT THANG!"
"Shake that thang?...Seriously?"
"Way to make it weird, Dave."
posted by PlusDistance at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
"HEY, YO, OVAH HEAH! YEAH YOU! THE HOT LITTLE MOOSE CARCASS!"
"YOU GOT SOME OF THOSE BLOWFLIES FOR ME, BABY?"
"OOH YEAH, HOT CARCASS! SHAKE THAT THANG!"
"Shake that thang?...Seriously?"
"Way to make it weird, Dave."
posted by PlusDistance at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2022 [7 favorites]
This is well known in Montana. There is some humorous story about blowing up a horse in the Bob Marshall wilderness, but I can't remember it.
posted by ITravelMontana at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by ITravelMontana at 5:58 PM on August 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
"Think you used enough dynamite there, Butch?"
posted by bryon at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2022 [12 favorites]
posted by bryon at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2022 [12 favorites]
Don't make me link to the exploding whale.
posted by saturday_morning at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2022 [31 favorites]
posted by saturday_morning at 6:13 PM on August 31, 2022 [31 favorites]
Wasn’t this an early Christo work? Tessellated Horse, or something like that?
posted by Naberius at 6:15 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 6:15 PM on August 31, 2022 [3 favorites]
A horse is nothing. In Oregon, they blew up a whale.
posted by xedrik at 6:36 PM on August 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by xedrik at 6:36 PM on August 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
This is ironic to me because in the Army we were not supposed to even touch accidentally killed wildlife. I saw a dickhead shoot a deer once on maneuvers, and he got busted down a rank and caught every shitty detail for a good long while.
The surreal radio message, “Do not engage the Bambi element! Repeat, do not engage the Bambi element!” is forever etched into my brain.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2022 [24 favorites]
The surreal radio message, “Do not engage the Bambi element! Repeat, do not engage the Bambi element!” is forever etched into my brain.
posted by Abehammerb Lincoln at 6:45 PM on August 31, 2022 [24 favorites]
The article links to the actual guide [pdf], hosted on the webserver of the Iowa State Institute for Transportation as "Boom-Boom-Boom.pdf".
posted by jedicus at 8:19 PM on August 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
posted by jedicus at 8:19 PM on August 31, 2022 [6 favorites]
"Boom-Boom-Boom.pdf"The guide tells you a-how-how-how?
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 8:21 PM on August 31, 2022 [4 favorites]
The manual does not account for a log cabin full of frozen beef. (I think they eventually sawed up the poor dogies and dispersed them around the countryside, and later destroyed the cabin.)
posted by zamboni at 8:33 PM on August 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by zamboni at 8:33 PM on August 31, 2022 [2 favorites]
Note: only necessary in areas without badgers.
posted by saeva indignatio at 8:48 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by saeva indignatio at 8:48 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
If you enjoy a 1970s period piece, I recommend Swinging Safari, a coming of age comedy loosely centered around That One Summer They Blew Up a Dead Whale.
posted by bartleby at 9:00 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bartleby at 9:00 PM on August 31, 2022 [1 favorite]
"Boom-Boom-Boom.pdf".
Lets-Go-Back-to-my-Room.pdf
posted by nubs at 9:44 PM on August 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
Lets-Go-Back-to-my-Room.pdf
posted by nubs at 9:44 PM on August 31, 2022 [8 favorites]
but wilbur ...
posted by pyramid termite at 3:53 AM on September 1, 2022
posted by pyramid termite at 3:53 AM on September 1, 2022
A few years ago the Forest Service tried to manage a bumper crop of dead hemlock trees (thanks, hemlock woolly adelgid!) by blowing up the trees with dynamite.
Reaction was mixed, to say the least.
posted by workerant at 5:40 AM on September 1, 2022
Reaction was mixed, to say the least.
posted by workerant at 5:40 AM on September 1, 2022
In Oregon, they blew up a whale
As TFA suggests but doesn't state explicitly, if they'd had something like that Forest Service guide to work from, they wouldn't have relied on such a feebly inadequate quantity of explosives and it wouldn't have turned into such a fiasco.
posted by flabdablet at 5:42 AM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
As TFA suggests but doesn't state explicitly, if they'd had something like that Forest Service guide to work from, they wouldn't have relied on such a feebly inadequate quantity of explosives and it wouldn't have turned into such a fiasco.
posted by flabdablet at 5:42 AM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
A horse is nothing. In Oregon, they blew up a whale.
Came for the whale, was not disappointed.
posted by terretu at 5:53 AM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
Came for the whale, was not disappointed.
posted by terretu at 5:53 AM on September 1, 2022 [7 favorites]
TMI terretu. We don't need to know intimate details of your personal life.
posted by Naberius at 7:07 AM on September 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 7:07 AM on September 1, 2022 [10 favorites]
When I was working with singing mice, I was required to take an informational university training course once every three years on appropriate handling of wildlife. This course seemed to be approximately 20% "how to avoid contracting zoonotic diseases" and 80% "how to humanely euthanize literally any wild animal you could possibly imagine."
Anyway, the humane way to euthanize a large marine mammal, like a whale, is in fact explosives because the marine mammal tendency to use vasoconstriction and vasodilation for thermoregulatory management means that trying to find a vein is too unpredictable and likely to result in a lot more stress for everyone than just using explosives and clearing the area. You're welcome.
posted by sciatrix at 7:27 AM on September 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
Anyway, the humane way to euthanize a large marine mammal, like a whale, is in fact explosives because the marine mammal tendency to use vasoconstriction and vasodilation for thermoregulatory management means that trying to find a vein is too unpredictable and likely to result in a lot more stress for everyone than just using explosives and clearing the area. You're welcome.
posted by sciatrix at 7:27 AM on September 1, 2022 [9 favorites]
We covered equine explosions once before . . .
posted by Rumple at 8:22 AM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by Rumple at 8:22 AM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
I won't fault the USFS for using what they have at hand, in this case explosives.
I'd be more concerned if every ranger was carrying around a couple of jugs of concentrated liquid Body-B-Gone™.
(New! From the makers of NapTime!)
posted by bartleby at 9:43 AM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'd be more concerned if every ranger was carrying around a couple of jugs of concentrated liquid Body-B-Gone™.
(New! From the makers of NapTime!)
posted by bartleby at 9:43 AM on September 1, 2022 [3 favorites]
I'd be more concerned if every ranger was carrying around a couple of jugs of concentrated liquid Body-B-Gone™.
I'm trying not to look askance at the Forest Service motto:
posted by zamboni at 3:27 PM on September 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
I'm trying not to look askance at the Forest Service motto:
Caring for the Land and Serving People
posted by zamboni at 3:27 PM on September 1, 2022 [5 favorites]
IT’S A COOKBOOK! IT’S A COOKBOOK!
posted by Naberius at 5:42 PM on September 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
posted by Naberius at 5:42 PM on September 1, 2022 [2 favorites]
Suddenly, a falcon enters the arena...
posted by bendy at 8:02 PM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
posted by bendy at 8:02 PM on September 1, 2022 [1 favorite]
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