TFG's Final Campaign
January 9, 2023 4:53 PM   Subscribe

It was in that optimistic spirit, 28 days ago, that the former president, impeached and voted out of office and impeached again, amid multiple state and federal investigations, under threat of indictment and arrest, on the verge of a congressional-committee verdict that would recommend four criminal charges to the Feds over his incitement of a mob that attacked the U.S. Capitol and threatened to hang his vice-president in a failed attempt to stop the certification of the 2020 election results, announced his third presidential campaign. Since then, he has barely set foot outside the perimeter of Mar-a-Lago. For 28 days, in fact, he has not left the state of Florida at all.

He is sensitive about this. He does not like what it suggests. So he does not accept the premise. “Sometimes I don’t even stay at Mar-a-Lago,” he told me. What do you mean you don’t stay there, I asked. Where do you stay? “I stay here,” he said, “but I am outside of Mar-a-Lago quite a bit. I’m always largely outside of Mar-a-Lago at meetings and various other things and events. I’m down in Miami. I go to Miami, I go to different places in Florida.”

What he means when he says “Miami” is that his SUV rolls down the driveway, past the pristine lawn set for croquet and through the Secret Service checkpoint at the gate, for the two-hour trip to another piece of Trump real estate, the Trump National in Doral, about eight miles from the airport in Miami-Dade County. There, he meets regularly with an impressive, ideologically diverse range of policy wonks, diplomats, and political theorists for conversations about the global economy and military conflicts and constitutional law and I’m kidding. He goes there to play golf. “He just goes, plays golf, comes back, and fucks off. He has retreated to the golf course and to Mar-a-Lago,” one adviser said. “His world has gotten much smaller. His world is so, so small.”
posted by Literaryhero (51 comments total) 32 users marked this as a favorite
 
A prison cell would be adequately sized.
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 4:57 PM on January 9, 2023 [92 favorites]


He's going to be spending a lot of time in lawyers' offices, court rooms and holding cells, hopefully.
posted by Chuffy at 5:02 PM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]


And yet just today I received this text message:
Donald J. Trump: I need to know! Are you happy I am running for President in 2024? Tell me RIGHT NOW >> https://(deleted)
Stop2End
How hard would it be to build a faraday cage around Mar a Lago? That's one wall I would happily fund.
posted by phunniemee at 5:06 PM on January 9, 2023 [11 favorites]


how delightful to imagine his internal misery

prison or various somewhat lesser levels of hoist-with-own-petard would be preferable, but the dude sounds lonely as hell and I love it
posted by Kybard at 5:11 PM on January 9, 2023 [5 favorites]


“His world has gotten much smaller. His world is so, so small.”

I have no basis in fact to say this, but I like to imagine this:

In the Secret Service, if you have shit the bed or have displeased your superiors up to the point of almost-but-not-quite being fired, you get the Trump retirement detail.

If you have proven yourself excellent in all aspects of your job, maybe even taken a literal bullet or come so close that it almost happened in a thing that never got much publicity, if any...well, in recompense you get offered the Jimmy Carter retirement detail.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 5:12 PM on January 9, 2023 [62 favorites]


*golfballs not included
posted by clavdivs at 5:19 PM on January 9, 2023


how delightful to imagine his internal misery

This article is so brutal it almost makes me feel sorry for him.
posted by Literaryhero at 5:41 PM on January 9, 2023 [3 favorites]


Shouldn't his post-Presidency be akin to house arrest? Isn't it the very nature of having been President that he's surrounded by Secret Service agents watching his every move 27/7 and keeping detailed reports and doing background checks on everyone who gets within fifty yards of him? Didn't I read somewhere that Carter most missed what it was like to be alone, or something like that?

The thing that's always puzzled me about the classified documents is, how was he able to get away with crimeing when there's literally an entire government agency charged with keeping a constant watch on him? Or is the Secret Service not required to report crimes they witness a former president committing?

I know the answer is that Trump hand-picked loyalists to be in his Secret Service detail, and they're no more likely to testify against him about goings on at Mar-A-Largo as they were about what actually happened on January 6th. But this just seems like another one of those moments where overwhelming deference to the office is shielding the guy who held it.
posted by RonButNotStupid at 5:54 PM on January 9, 2023 [9 favorites]


May he wither to unconsequential dust.
posted by B3taCatScan at 6:12 PM on January 9, 2023 [23 favorites]


Or is the Secret Service not required to report crimes they witness a former president committing?

Like cops everywhere in the US, most Secret Service agents are very, very MAGA.
posted by tclark at 6:13 PM on January 9, 2023 [33 favorites]


in recompense you get offered the Jimmy Carter retirement detail.

I don't know, man, all those days in the hot sun building houses for poor people while wearing a suit sounds physically taxing, if spiritually rewarding.
posted by praemunire at 6:15 PM on January 9, 2023 [5 favorites]


I have no basis in fact to say this, but I like to imagine this:

In the Secret Service, if you have shit the bed or have displeased your superiors up to the point of almost-but-not-quite being fired, you get the Trump retirement detail.

If you have proven yourself excellent in all aspects of your job, maybe even taken a literal bullet or come so close that it almost happened in a thing that never got much publicity, if any...well, in recompense you get offered the Jimmy Carter retirement detail.


Indeed. A close family friend is a retired CSIS officer (CSIS is the Canadian intelligence service) and has told me that her contacts include a US Secret Service guy, now also retired, who worked protection detail for three ex-presidents. "Two went from POTUS to PITA," is his assessment, while Carter is great.

Alas, this Secret Service dude retired before 45 was ejected, so I have no gossip to share.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:21 PM on January 9, 2023 [9 favorites]


Isn't it the very nature of having been President that he's surrounded by Secret Service agents watching his every move 27/7

27 hours a day is very taxing indeed, as if nothing else it involves flying from the east coast to the west coast daily.
posted by ricochet biscuit at 6:23 PM on January 9, 2023 [31 favorites]


is the Secret Service not required to report crimes they witness a former president committing?

My opinion of the Secret Service has deteriorated greatly given the shenanigans around their J6 text records, on top of all the other (belated) publicity around LEOs in general.

But that just makes it especially important that they not think it's their role to police the President's behavior.

We've seen many times how it goes in other countries when the security services play kingmaker. It seems to usually act to oust a problematic leader in favor of a rabid authoritarian (and often with U.S. support, which would make it ironic but still terrible if it happened here).
posted by Riki tiki at 6:58 PM on January 9, 2023 [6 favorites]


I know you were talking about the former president, but (ignoring that some former presidents might be future presidents) even if we set up a second security service focused only on retired powerful people, they still shouldn't be looking at the behavior of their charges if there's any incentive to do so for political reasons.
posted by Riki tiki at 7:03 PM on January 9, 2023


I particularly like how Olivia Nuzzi responded when asked what Trump might have thought of her article:

“It’s like an 8,000- or 9,000 word-piece,” she said. “I don’t know that he’s going to be sitting down to read it. I think he’ll probably just look at the cover, look at the headline and think ‘Eh, fake news,’ and move on from there.”
posted by Dip Flash at 7:07 PM on January 9, 2023 [16 favorites]


I'm sure he'll react when someone else condenses it into a sub-180-character tweet for him. Did the same thing when his Secretary of Defense resigned.
posted by meowzilla at 7:48 PM on January 9, 2023


He responded by calling her an “unattractive wack job” last week.
posted by Selena777 at 7:50 PM on January 9, 2023 [2 favorites]


One of Dicken's scariest characters for me was Miss Havisham. She was jilted at her wedding, the groom never came. This was so devastating, she entered a kind of psychotic denial. She continued to wear her wedding dress for decades, until it was rags and dust. Growing more bitter and spiteful over the years, she schemed and plotted but would never leave the decaying mansion, until the whole place went up in flames with her inside.

Miss Havisham, in her dusty silk and lace, touching the dried flowers at the empty table, did nothing as the flames rose.
posted by adept256 at 8:22 PM on January 9, 2023 [25 favorites]


So that's a living ghost trapped in a moment in time with her own mind as jailer. Let's transpose that metaphor.

You are at the altar with your bride, and when the priest asks the question, she says no. Your heart drops through the floor. Then the priest says, let's ask her again. No. Again? No. This happens fifteen times, each time the humilation grows, until she says 'well, ok, but you have to sign the divorce papers in advance'. You will learn that the golden ring you wished for more than anything is a leaden anchor that will drag you into the inky depths.
posted by adept256 at 8:46 PM on January 9, 2023 [8 favorites]


It’s been around 15 days since powerful member of Putin's United Russia party and critic of the Ukraine War Pavel Antov died in India on his honeymoon, falling from a hotel balcony only two days after a Russian friend of Antov's was found dead in a room in the same hotel.

With his disastrous failure in the midterms, Trump has gone from being one of Putin's greatest assets to one of his greatest liabilities because Putin cannot now realistically expect Trump to wield political power again, and it would be catastrophic if Trump melted down far enough to reveal the details of his real relationship with Putin.

If I were Trump, I don’t think I’d want to venture beyond the gates of Mar-a-Lago very often either.
posted by jamjam at 10:41 PM on January 9, 2023 [17 favorites]


Wow.. I don't even know where to begin picking apart the ways in which I find that last comment implausible but let me just say I don't think that's his biggest concern.
posted by Nerd of the North at 11:24 PM on January 9, 2023 [10 favorites]


Everybody follow up this sad article with mandolin conspiracy's wholesome link about Carter:
Carter costs U.S. taxpayers less than any other ex-president, according to the General Services Administration, with a total bill for him in the current fiscal year of $456,000, covering pensions, an office, staff and other expenses. That’s less than half the $952,000 budgeted for George H.W. Bush; the three other living ex-presidents — Clinton, George W. Bush and Obama — cost taxpayers more than $1 million each per year.

Carter doesn’t even have federal retirement health benefits because he worked for the government for four years — less than the five years needed to qualify, according to the GSA. He says he receives health benefits through Emory University, where he has taught for 36 years.
posted by straight at 12:32 AM on January 10, 2023 [31 favorites]


ACAB includes Secret Service bootlickers too
posted by lazaruslong at 1:13 AM on January 10, 2023 [8 favorites]


So we’re still putting him on the cover of magazines? Cool cool cool, we’ve learned nothing
posted by thejoshu at 2:55 AM on January 10, 2023 [15 favorites]


“His world has gotten much smaller. His world is so, so small.”

"nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands"

(e.e. cummings, somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond)
posted by chavenet at 3:19 AM on January 10, 2023 [6 favorites]


(Do not associate that ee poem with that fuckwit please)
posted by Insert Clever Name Here at 4:00 AM on January 10, 2023 [9 favorites]


I read the article—it was well written and at times very funny—but the whole time a realization was dawning: I don’t care about this person or what he does anymore. I’m bored of disliking him, of sneering at every crass, despicable thing he does. I can’t be the only one. I hope his ratings, clicks, and page views dwindle to nothing.
posted by Tuba Toothpaste at 4:48 AM on January 10, 2023 [27 favorites]


Agent Orange: "A poor person's idea of what a rich person is."
posted by DJZouke at 5:07 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]


Last month, Mitch McConnell was blaming 'candidate quality' for the GOP's poor midterm performance (he's not wrong--Mehmet Oz, Herschel Walker, Blake Masters, this clown...).

We're still talking about it.

He's one of the most hated people in American politics. Even a lot of people who love the guy want him to occasionally get off fake-Twitter and stop bullshitting. When it's time to set Trump aside, 'candidate quality' will be the reason why.
posted by box at 7:30 AM on January 10, 2023


It's always about the grift. In my ideal scenario TFG slow pedals until the primaries, get beaten badly by Desantis, and then declares a third party run 1) for one last cash grab and 2) to fuck up the GOP's chances of getting the Presidency.
posted by JoeZydeco at 7:52 AM on January 10, 2023 [4 favorites]


It's hard to believe he watches Sunset Boulevard over and over. He can't possibly see the connection between that story and his.
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:27 AM on January 10, 2023 [4 favorites]


"I am bigly! It's the presidency that's gotten small!"
posted by kirkaracha at 8:31 AM on January 10, 2023 [7 favorites]


Also I wanted to finish reading this and now am blocked with a monthly article limit. Anyone have a way around it?
posted by tiny frying pan at 8:33 AM on January 10, 2023


“His world has gotten much smaller. His world is so, so small.”

How about we facetiously say he's one of the few taking COVID protocols seriously?
posted by The_Vegetables at 8:36 AM on January 10, 2023


It's hard to believe he watches Sunset Boulevard over and over. He can't possibly see the connection between that story and his.

That surprised me as well. But then I thought about all the MAGA dickheads who are huge fans of Star Wars and believe themselves to be the rebellion rather than the Empire.
posted by Ben Trismegistus at 8:37 AM on January 10, 2023 [12 favorites]


Also I wanted to finish reading this and now am blocked with a monthly article limit. Anyone have a way around it?

Here's an Internet Archive link that might work. Or if you just want the last paragraph:
Do you remember how Sunset Boulevard ends? Norma Desmond shoots and kills the writer, a fraudster who has fallen under the spell of her charisma, just as he summons the courage to walk away. Her sycophantic butler flips. There are no enablers left to protect her. A final fantasy, a fake movie set, is staged in the mansion’s entryway. The lights go on, and she is lured before the cameras, where the police are waiting to haul her away.
posted by box at 8:41 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]


Reminds me of the final years of Elvis. He was all hotel rooms, his bedroom and TV and appearing occasionally before adoring crowds.
posted by zzazazz at 9:24 AM on January 10, 2023


Trump staying in the news is good for Democrats. Both the Republican and Democratic bases are motivated by Trump, in opposite directions.

And he could still be the 2024 nominee. If the primaries were 1 on 1, Trump v. DeSantis, Trump would lose. But it won't be that. It will be the usual clown car of Republican nominees in the Republican's winner-takes-all system of awarding delegates to whoever gets the most votes. That's how Trump won in 2016. He can do it again if he gets off his ass. God save us.
posted by LarryC at 9:27 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]


So I guess they're going to have Diamond's funeral in Florida then?
posted by Lentrohamsanin at 9:41 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]


It's hard to believe he watches Sunset Boulevard over and over. He can't possibly see the connection between that story and his.

I don't remember where I saw it, but at some point I read a transcript of something that Trump had said about Sunset Boulevard, and was shocked at how lucid and perceptive it was. Not Pauline Kael perceptive or anything, but my reaction was something along the lines of: "Wow, this man is capable of genuinely comprehending and reflecting upon something at length, and apparently it's... just this one movie. Huh."

It's yet another layer of weirdness to an extremely weird guy.
posted by Tom Hanks Cannot Be Trusted at 10:42 AM on January 10, 2023 [5 favorites]


Reminds me of the final years of Elvis. He was all hotel rooms, his bedroom and TV and appearing occasionally before adoring crowds.

The author said the same in the article.
posted by tiny frying pan at 10:54 AM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]


I think he thinks the message of Sunset Bvld is she was great, and believed she was great, until the end, and everyone else turned on her. Like him.
posted by tiny frying pan at 10:55 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]


The Lyin' in Winter
posted by kirkaracha at 11:21 AM on January 10, 2023 [15 favorites]


Wasn't there a story where on January 6th somebody tried to usher Pence to a car being driven by the Secret Service, and Pence's reaction was "if I get in, there's a good chance they won't bring me back"? I wouldn't trust the Secret Service at that point either.

It doesn't surprise me that there is a large faction of the Secret Service that are in Trump's court, nor does it surprise me that there'd be self-selection (also through nonsupporters declining the 'honor') of Trump being surrounded by a tax-funded federal police force that supports his bidding.
posted by AzraelBrown at 11:45 AM on January 10, 2023 [2 favorites]


Reminds me of the final years of Elvis. He was all hotel rooms, his bedroom and TV and appearing occasionally before adoring crowds.

The author said the same in the article.


And they guy they quoted saying it took it one step further. "On second thought, it was worse than that: “It was like watching Elvis at the end if he was completely relegated to just piano bars.”
posted by Mchelly at 12:34 PM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]


My LDS relatio s finally reached a place of saying, "He's just not presidential." That is lot coming from that lot of dedicated conservadeevs, (as it is spoken in Utah.)
posted by Oyéah at 1:18 PM on January 10, 2023 [1 favorite]


I would have thought Carter would have full VA health benefits from his Navy service.
posted by SemiSalt at 2:06 PM on January 10, 2023


I would have thought Carter would have full VA health benefits from his Navy service.

A footnote to this is that he came in handy during a meltdown at the Chalk River, Ontario nuclear reactor. The U.S., in my lifetime, has gone from a president who was capable of leading a team that helped unfuck a nuclear meltdown to one who had difficulty figuring out how stairs work and has supreme difficulty comprehending Sunset Boulevard.
posted by mandolin conspiracy at 2:49 PM on January 10, 2023 [10 favorites]


I'm really surprised the Secret Service would support Trump given how horridly he treated them during his term.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:22 PM on January 10, 2023


Trump name checked Sunset Boulevard and Gone with the Wind when he slagged off Parasite's Oscar in 2020.

Apparently he also likes Citizen Kane for the wrong reasons.
posted by snuffleupagus at 9:18 PM on January 10, 2023 [3 favorites]


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