"Nothing's free in Waterworld."

November 21, 2023 9:57 AM

Move aside raw water antediluvianistas, water sommeliers are quenching their thirst in luxury.

Though 71% of Earth is covered with water, only about 1.3% of all the water on earth is potable. Water scarcity driven conflict is nothing new, but it has inflamed tensions in tipping point conflicts like those in the Middle East and South Asia. 20% of the worlds freshwater is under threat of pollution (get it while you can). Will Kevin Reynold's be the Cassandra of our time? In 2500 AD, what will have been your investment vintage?

RESOURCES
--2023 Fine Water Summit, Key Concepts & Sources
--Want to be a Certified Water Sommelier©?
--And because you know its real if Wikipedia has an entry.

posted by rubatan (23 comments total)

Safe Water Now provides access to safe water through chlorination for less than $1.50 per person, per year - or the price of one-fourth of a bottle of fine Himalayan water. It has been designated one of the most effective charities in the world by the independent organization The Life You Can Save.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 10:56 AM on November 21, 2023 [16 favorites]

Wow, I didn't think an article could fill me with rage as fast as that APNews link (second link). Then I clicked the 2023 Fine Water Summit link.

I don't want to wish or advocate harm on anyone, really. But if a meteor were to crash into next year's summit, very little of value would be lost.
posted by skullhead at 11:02 AM on November 21, 2023 [10 favorites]

VSMOW
posted by clew at 11:16 AM on November 21, 2023

Eventually, the cases are delivered to luxury hotels and restaurants many hundreds of miles away in cities like New Delhi, Pune and Mumbai, where Veen is headquartered.

A few wealthy families get weekly shipments. Iyer jokes that the richest of the rich buy so much that they “probably bathe in it.”

Can someone link to the humor article from ten years ago that made fun of this? I feel like this was a punchline ten years ago, and now all I can think aboutt is the war this will start
posted by eustatic at 11:22 AM on November 21, 2023

As usual, Mos Def sends word from 1999 and says, "I told you so."
posted by 1adam12 at 11:32 AM on November 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

water sommeliers......

Trained to discriminate between the finest mineral solutions no matter how dilute. But man, that raw water shit is totally cray-cray.
posted by y2karl at 11:53 AM on November 21, 2023 [1 favorite]

From the second link: A new Silicon Valley craze could make people sick.

Could?

Trendy “raw water” source under bird’s nest sparks diarrheal outbreak

“Real Water” that poisoned dozens contained chemical from rocket fuel
posted by meowzilla at 12:11 PM on November 21, 2023 [6 favorites]

"Call me a conspiracy theorist..."
Wow, that's the mildest of the things I had in mind, "raw water" grifter.
posted by the sobsister at 12:18 PM on November 21, 2023

unfortunately some of these water people intersect with tea drinkers -- when you get a Tea Person (with capital letters of course) and add Water Person on top the level of pretension, manufactured expertise, and dismissiveness of others compounds exponentially.

one of the reasons its hard to enjoy nice things is that there is always some group of people out there who insist on having the Nicest Things, and they are usually willing to ruin other people's things in order to get what they are after.
posted by cubby at 12:26 PM on November 21, 2023 [7 favorites]

There's a sucker born every minute...
posted by jim in austin at 12:26 PM on November 21, 2023 [1 favorite]

Glad that homeopath has a new career path; instead of crystal necklaces they are now suggesting the use of a monocle and top hat.

Well played.
posted by MonsieurPEB at 12:50 PM on November 21, 2023

"Water sommelier" is in the running for stupidest title ever. Come on there's so many more interesting portmanteaus one could make without typecasting "sommelier," a wine-specific term, to a different liquid like some idiot programmer who has dramatically misunderstood object oriented programming.

Waterwaiter
Aquatender
Hydrologist for fuck's sake
Maitre d'eau
Wet Nurse
posted by seanmpuckett at 12:51 PM on November 21, 2023 [19 favorites]

Water taster?

Goûteur d'eau?
posted by y2karl at 1:13 PM on November 21, 2023 [2 favorites]

Please smell my water.
posted by Schadenfreude at 2:44 PM on November 21, 2023 [1 favorite]

This was a bit on Penn and Teller Bullshit lo these many years ago. Patrons at a fancy restaurant (I believe in San Francisco?) had a water sommelier who explained the origins of the water being consumed in great detail, then the camera cut to the sommelier refilling the water bottles with a garden hose in the back of the restaurant.
Many a true word, I suppose.
posted by The Ardship of Cambry at 2:58 PM on November 21, 2023 [3 favorites]

Strong Ark B vibes. I mean, I’m still mad at the grift of soda companies making bottled water a thing, but I guess you have places like Flint that need it. For me, it’s tap water for life. I don’t even use the fridge filter thing, though the rest of the family does. I figure if I’m thirsty it’ll taste good. Aquafina and all that stuff is unnecessary if you live in a place with a funded water treatment plant.
posted by caviar2d2 at 3:38 PM on November 21, 2023 [3 favorites]

This was supposed to be SATIRE!
posted by Wretch729 at 4:11 PM on November 21, 2023 [4 favorites]

These people are bumbling amateurs and charlatans and you can tell because not one of them has taken a swig of Aqua Regia, the Water of Kings.
posted by phooky at 4:38 PM on November 21, 2023 [13 favorites]

I mean, I’m still mad at the grift of soda companies making bottled water a thing, but I guess you have places like Flint that need it.

So I lived most of my youth in Hong Kong, where the tap water was noticeably chlorinated, and still subject to semi-regular government warnings about drinking it (without boiling, at least) for various reasons. Water coolers were common, even in domestic settings. There were two options for water (whether cooler bottles, or portable) from most suppliers: distilled, and distilled with added minerals. Nobody had any problem with that.

I now live in the UK, where the Dasani water scandal happened. That is to say, there was widespread outrage that Dasani water was being sold here - treated tap water! Nobody could ever explain to me why that was a problem. It was, as advertised, mineral water - exactly as the mineral water I'd grown up drinking in Hong Kong was. But the fact that it wasn't natural spring water meant that it was a huge problem for consumers here? Silly me was buying bottled water only when I needed to hydrate away from a tap. I'd be fine with literal untreated tap water in a bottle. I'm after the service of having the water on a bottle in my hand, not a particular kind of water. The typical UK consumer was apparently buying bottled water for its terroir or something, based on the widespread outrage and mockery in the press.

So despite never having heard of water sommeliers, this doesn't surprise me really. It seems to me only mildly more extreme and nonsensical than what is apparently mainstream opinion here.
posted by Dysk at 11:06 PM on November 21, 2023 [3 favorites]

(And yes, there was a little more to the Dasani story here, but not to the way people or the press talked about it. It was all Delboy references and "they're selling bottled tap water, can you believe it!?" as if that was some kind of self-evident problem.)
posted by Dysk at 11:09 PM on November 21, 2023

Of course Tom Scott has a very good video on the entire Dasani scandal.
posted by Hactar at 1:34 AM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

caviar2d2: For me, it’s tap water for life.

But I bet it's only the kitchen sink faucet, and not the one in the bathroom that tastes like Summer Garden Hose. Fucking casuals....
posted by wenestvedt at 4:50 AM on November 22, 2023 [1 favorite]

Imagining the water pairing dinner from that website but it's the movie The Menu...
posted by yoHighness at 4:15 PM on November 22, 2023