The Rapture Index

September 20, 2002 10:57 AM

The Rapture Index This rather bizarre site is the Dow Jones of the end of the world. From the site, "You could say the Rapture index is a Dow Jones Industrial Average of end time activity, but I think it would be better if you viewed it as prophetic speedometer. The higher the number, the faster we're moving towards the occurrence of pre-tribulation rapture. " Whacked...
posted by Coop (23 comments total)

180 or above; must remember to wear underwear.
posted by rotifer at 11:03 AM on September 20, 2002

"01 False Christs
The lack of activity has downgraded this category."

Easy target for insider trading.
posted by jeblis at 11:06 AM on September 20, 2002

Wow. It's like the Readers Digest version of Jack Van Impe. How convenient!
I'm sad that there are no active millenarian voices on mefi these days. Nothing is more entertaining than the type of people who look forward to the end of this glorious world.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:13 AM on September 20, 2002

Nurts - if you'd waited a day, you might have posted this on the one-year anniversary of the last time it was posted.
posted by gleuschk at 11:17 AM on September 20, 2002

like the Readers Digest version of Jack Van Impe

But what good is that without Rexella's skeletal head grimly grinning out the news of the Second Coming?
posted by mikrophon at 11:27 AM on September 20, 2002

29. Liberalism
It's not just a part of the democratic party. liberalism is what I
would call the "true conspiracy." The liberal media is 100 percent
control by the forces that bow to this humanistic ideology.

Based on the sentiment and the grammar, I think it's clear who wrote this list. Doesn't Dubyuh have better things to do?
posted by originalname37 at 11:32 AM on September 20, 2002

you think chuck and Rexella are...ya know....
posted by clavdivs at 11:38 AM on September 20, 2002

I'm going to issue a strong buy for "mark of the beast" since I have some insider tips that a certain person is putting makeup over the little 666 on their forehead. It's pretty low on the index currently, so if you heed my advice, you stand to profit very nicely.
posted by mathowie at 11:42 AM on September 20, 2002

you think chuck and Rexella are...ya know....
posted by clavdivs at 11:38 AM PST on September 20

Is one of the signs of the End Times choking on your own vomit?

And with a hunky pile o' beefcake like Jack, why would Rexella stray?
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 11:44 AM on September 20, 2002

You know, I've always found it odd how enthusiastic and overjoyed Jack is about the imminent arrival of Judgement Day. And Rexella does indeed seem to be preparing for her role as Famine, Horse(wo)man of the Apocalypse. She needs to work on her delivery though, which is kind of stilted and wooden.
posted by picea at 11:46 AM on September 20, 2002

Uh, rapture - An expression of ecstatic feeling. Often used in the plural.

Nothing raptures me here.
posted by thomcatspike at 11:49 AM on September 20, 2002

"Rexella" sound a little too close to "rubella" doesn't it?? Memo to Index: Pestilence spotted!

As an aside, I once hit a foul tip into my cup and nearly raptured myself.
posted by UncleFes at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2002

The last time that this was posted I wrote a quick perl script to parse the page and dump it into a database. I was going to make a stock market trading game until I realized the thing is rarely updated.

I want an up to the minute rapture index, damnit!
posted by betaray at 12:24 PM on September 20, 2002

haha, and I also posted to the old thread about it. Now I'm going to have to make this a tradition.
posted by betaray at 12:27 PM on September 20, 2002

The European Union certainly fits the bill as being the reunited Roman Emprire. Although it is the weekest of all the world governments it will serve the Antichrist well. In the end, the EUs only purpose is to give power to the Beast.

One must admit, he has a point.
posted by fluffy1984 at 12:27 PM on September 20, 2002

UncleFes: "As an aside, I once hit a foul tip into my cup and nearly raptured myself."

I bet that sent your "Global Turmoil" numbers through the roof -- I know it would have mine!

Anyone else notice that while we're all sitting here holding our breath wondering if Sadaam has WMD's, and if he's crazy enough to use them, the Index is actually DOWN? I would think it would be up a few points!

Also, I've never seen Unemployment used as a "sign" for the possibility of the end of the world... ever. One wonders which version of the Bakersfield Yellow Pages they got that idea from.
posted by Wildcat3 at 1:09 PM on September 20, 2002

Where's Nicolae Carpathia when we need hir?

you think chuck and Rexella are...ya know....

Like weasels ...
posted by octobersurprise at 1:30 PM on September 20, 2002

Sorry, didn't mean to double post, did a search but didn't find it. Doh! What does that do to a rapture index.
posted by Coop at 1:43 PM on September 20, 2002

see, all the "fun" celebrities come from michigan or have lived here.

Jack is scary, but he knows when to postpone the apocalypse. He has some videos out...given Gary Busey a chit in the redemption show.

the man knows how to tie in current events to "Buddy Jesus" (F#@$ yeah) billboards. Never seen a man more positive about utter fire and destruction.
posted by clavdivs at 2:44 PM on September 20, 2002

This thing's been around for a while - back in '97, the Brunching Shuttlecocks ran a contest based on the page. You bought a certain amount of shares in various areas, and then whoever's portfolio increased the most over some period of time won. (The contest was, of course, closed to employees of God or Satan.)
posted by Johnny Assay at 8:38 PM on September 20, 2002

The index's record high came during the Bush administration.

The index's record low came during the Clinton administration.

I guess that settles the issue about which party will be bringing in the antichrist...
posted by UKnowForKids at 12:09 AM on September 21, 2002

i loved this:

11 Leadership:
The lack of activity has downgraded this category.
posted by quarsan at 5:28 AM on September 21, 2002

This thing's been red-lining since at least 1998? You'd think they'd recalibrate, eh?
posted by pilgrim at 5:21 AM on September 22, 2002