Winner of the 2024 prize for best first sentences
June 21, 2024 4:26 AM Subscribe
OK, that’s actually something that I just made up, but if such an award existed, would not the following win it?
“Here’s a tricky ethical conundrum – how much can you command yourself to care about the suffering of a monumental dickhead?”
While being mindful of the gendered nature of the included slur (thanks Metafilter!) I nonetheless submit to you the tribulations (SLGuardian) faced by West London curator Ben Moore, courtesy of the Guardian’s Lucy Mangan’s review of The Stormtrooper Scandal.
One choice quote: “Furious trading ensues and Moore and the cryptobros take a cut of everything and make (estimated) millions. Then some of the artists become aware that pictures of their work have been taken and sold without permission. To the apparent total surprise of Moore, this matters and ultimately ends in the NFTs becoming worthless.”
Oh ho ho, did you say NFT? And also, somehow, Star Wars?
Fair warning: I have yet to see the film, but with a writeup like this, you can be sure it’s in my watchlist. Currently airing on BBC2, here’s hoping we’ll find it on SBS soon enough.
Creepto derision not just welcome, but encouraged! (And has anyone else noticed a dramatic increase in the spicyness of Guardian reviews?)
One choice quote: “Furious trading ensues and Moore and the cryptobros take a cut of everything and make (estimated) millions. Then some of the artists become aware that pictures of their work have been taken and sold without permission. To the apparent total surprise of Moore, this matters and ultimately ends in the NFTs becoming worthless.”
Oh ho ho, did you say NFT? And also, somehow, Star Wars?
Fair warning: I have yet to see the film, but with a writeup like this, you can be sure it’s in my watchlist. Currently airing on BBC2, here’s hoping we’ll find it on SBS soon enough.
Creepto derision not just welcome, but encouraged! (And has anyone else noticed a dramatic increase in the spicyness of Guardian reviews?)
To answer the question, the answer asymptotically approaches zero.
Every time I hear/see "crypto", I say to myself, "this is going to be even stupider than the last time I had to read about it", and I've never yet been wrong.
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 5:28 AM on June 21 [21 favorites]
Every time I hear/see "crypto", I say to myself, "this is going to be even stupider than the last time I had to read about it", and I've never yet been wrong.
posted by outgrown_hobnail at 5:28 AM on June 21 [21 favorites]
Where this idiot went wrong was crossing people with a) money, and b) lawyers, without c) giving them a cut.
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:38 AM on June 21 [7 favorites]
posted by seanmpuckett at 5:38 AM on June 21 [7 favorites]
You lost me when you said “crypto” and by the time you got to “NFT”, I was ready to watch someone be torn apart by lions. I realize this a) shows a lack of character, and b) I’m OK with that. Bring on the lions!
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 5:52 AM on June 21 [5 favorites]
Conundrum: I simultaneously feel sorry for him, and feel that whatever punishments he has and will incur are not heavy enough.
Poor blighter, I think to myself. Imagine being the kind of person who deserves a place in the lifeboat so little that I would choose to take anyone else, even someone else who will only survive another twenty minutes in the boat, before I would choose to fish him out of the water.
In fact I would even consider taking one of the sharks from the water in which he is dog-paddling before I would take him into the life boat, because at least we could kill the shark and eat it while we waited to be rescued.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:55 AM on June 21 [10 favorites]
Poor blighter, I think to myself. Imagine being the kind of person who deserves a place in the lifeboat so little that I would choose to take anyone else, even someone else who will only survive another twenty minutes in the boat, before I would choose to fish him out of the water.
In fact I would even consider taking one of the sharks from the water in which he is dog-paddling before I would take him into the life boat, because at least we could kill the shark and eat it while we waited to be rescued.
posted by Jane the Brown at 6:55 AM on June 21 [10 favorites]
::soaks in this delicious thread::
Aaaaaahhhh
posted by toodleydoodley at 7:26 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
Aaaaaahhhh
posted by toodleydoodley at 7:26 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
OK,I thought this post was literally going to be a bunch of fantastic first sentences and I am disappointed.
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:30 AM on June 21 [8 favorites]
posted by If only I had a penguin... at 7:30 AM on June 21 [8 favorites]
Did he actually make significant money from this zeroday funkopop art heist or did the more sophisticated hucksters drink his milkshake?
posted by neonamber at 7:50 AM on June 21 [3 favorites]
posted by neonamber at 7:50 AM on June 21 [3 favorites]
I want Gelato right now!
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:14 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
posted by GoblinHoney at 8:14 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
I just came to say that Molly White goes there, but she respects the reader so much that she writes one or two proper explanatory sentences before going to town on fools.
posted by drowsy at 9:24 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
posted by drowsy at 9:24 AM on June 21 [1 favorite]
I would be perfectly happy to never read about NFTs or crypto again, but GOSH I enjoyed that review. That is some fine writing by Lucy Mangan. Thanks for posting this, ec2y!
posted by kristi at 11:15 AM on June 21 [2 favorites]
posted by kristi at 11:15 AM on June 21 [2 favorites]
Thanks for the comments so far!
Also apologies to If only I had a penguin… for not having more great first sentences.
Perhaps we should have a Metafilter best first sentences contest? Surely someone must have written a book? “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” (Hm, that also seems to work with this documentary.)
posted by ec2y at 3:22 PM on June 21 [2 favorites]
Also apologies to If only I had a penguin… for not having more great first sentences.
Perhaps we should have a Metafilter best first sentences contest? Surely someone must have written a book? “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…” (Hm, that also seems to work with this documentary.)
posted by ec2y at 3:22 PM on June 21 [2 favorites]
I thought the prize for best first sentences was the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, named for the author of "it was a dark and stormy night." Submissions for this summer's prizes are open through June 30. I dare you to read the 2023 winner on the home page out loud without laughing.
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:24 PM on June 21 [2 favorites]
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 8:24 PM on June 21 [2 favorites]
Mod note: [btw, this monumental dickhead has been added to the sidebar and Best Of blog!]
posted by taz (staff) at 2:20 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 2:20 AM on June 23 [1 favorite]
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posted by DJZouke at 5:04 AM on June 21 [2 favorites]