Hey Dad, Can You Help Me Return the Picasso I Stole?

July 4, 2024 8:59 AM

A painting that went missing turned up at a museum’s doorstep in 1969 before the F.B.I. could hunt it down. No one knew how or why — until now. by Dan Barry in the NYT.
posted by bq (23 comments total)

I need to know what the Vaseline was for.
posted by The corpse in the library at 9:33 AM on July 4 [4 favorites]

That is being a dad. That is like the daddest story I've ever read. I believe that my father would do much the same if I'd accidentally stolen a Picasso, although he would never offer the option of burying it for thirty years, it would be a return or nothing.
posted by Frowner at 9:39 AM on July 4 [3 favorites]

I add that in this instance "dad" describes the actions, not the gender, no restrictions there.
posted by Frowner at 9:40 AM on July 4 [3 favorites]

I wonder if the Vaseline was to prevent them from dusting for fingerprints ?
posted by TedW at 10:05 AM on July 4 [4 favorites]

Fingerprints were also my first thought for the Vaseline mystery.
posted by Blue Jello Elf at 10:14 AM on July 4 [2 favorites]

Guess they weren't as worried about DNA because I'd think that vaseline would just catch a bunch of hair and whatnot in the goop. Interesting story with an annoying ending, the story around it is interesting history and would be cool to have that history shared alongside the artwork. Just hope it isn't rotting in some wealthy person's home.
posted by GoblinHoney at 10:22 AM on July 4

Guess they weren't as worried about DNA because I'd think that vaseline would just catch a bunch of hair and whatnot in the goop.

It was 1969, so they probably didn't have to. Of course, hair can be analyzed in other ways, but I also suspect that once the painting was returned, the FBI probably didn't make it an extremely high priority to find out who took it.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 10:55 AM on July 4 [2 favorites]

Good thing that taxi driver was honest. In the movie vers he should drive away with it so they can re-steal it and give it back again. Then at the end they should steal it from the private collector, sell it and give the money to charity.
posted by subdee at 10:58 AM on July 4 [1 favorite]

Guess they weren't as worried about DNA because I'd think that vaseline would just catch a bunch of hair and whatnot in the goop.

The tech didn't exist at the time. That's what finally locked up the Unabomber, if I recall; his licking the stamps, and DNA recovered from that, using tech that emerged long after the crime.
posted by mhoye at 10:59 AM on July 4

The elder Rummel telephoned Whit in New Orleans and gave him detailed instructions for a handwritten note that could not be traced. Use high-end stationery. Since you’re left-handed, write it out with your right hand.

I would have thought you should use extremely generic paper from the drugstore that can’t possibly be traced.
posted by smelendez at 11:21 AM on July 4

Makes me think twice before randomly stealing Amazon packages.





(It’s a joke people.)
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:44 AM on July 4

I eat, sleep, and breathe for stories like this!
posted by BostonTerrier at 11:48 AM on July 4 [2 favorites]

Vaseline actually improves fingerprint imprints so I don't know what they were thinking of with that. Perhaps getting it covered in other peoples fingerprints while they wore gloves.
posted by Lanark at 11:59 AM on July 4

The Unabomber was identified by his brother after his manifesto was published. When they raided his house they found more than enough evidence (bomb materials, journal entries, etc.) They might have also developed the DNA evidence after that, but it wasn't how they found him.

But yeah, DNA evidence wasn't a worry in the sixties.
posted by mark k at 12:13 PM on July 4 [4 favorites]

“and the Kohls did not respond to several requests to confirm that the painting — no doubt worth millions of dollars — is still in their private collection.”
posted by hototogisu at 12:37 PM on July 4

Is there an archive link?
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 12:42 PM on July 4 [1 favorite]

Hello, Dad? ...
posted by Reverend John at 12:43 PM on July 4 [1 favorite]

Here you go JustSayNoDawg.

Great story, thanks for posting!
posted by ellieBOA at 1:00 PM on July 4 [1 favorite]

“Whit went to Tulane University in New Orleans. Bill served with the Coast Guard in Michigan, where he fell in love with a bowling-alley bartender whose customers called out ‘Play it again, Sam’ so often that her given name, Evelyn, became a gutter ball.”

Can anyone explain this joke? I don’t get it at all.
posted by Kattullus at 1:23 PM on July 4 [3 favorites]

Given that she's referred to as Sam everywhere else in the article, apparently it means she stopped using her given name socially. The author or editor was being self-indulgent, it's not a great metaphor.
posted by trig at 1:42 PM on July 4 [5 favorites]

This needs to be made into a movie with Bill Burr in it. "Who me? I dunno what to do with a Pih-kass-oh!"
posted by jonp72 at 5:22 PM on July 4 [2 favorites]

So Back in the Day I lived in Sherbrooke, Quebec, which has a better-than-you'd-expect art gallery, the Musée de Beaux-Arts de Sherbrooke. A converted really huge three-story mansion.

There was a touring exhibit of impressionist painters that was hitting all the big Canadian galleries that year. You got your Monets, you got your Van Goghs, like one or two lesser paintings from a bunch of the big names. And for some reason, it gets a week at MBAS as well as all the bigger-city galleries. This didn't get a ton of fanfare: an article in the local French papers and in the sole local English paper.

This is partly because MBAS building would be really big for a house, but it was pretty small for a gallery. I don't think they had a budget for marketing or promotion at all. The total staff count in there at any point would usually be two people: somebody at the front desk / coat check who would also dash over if somebody was in the tiny gift shop, and a wandering security person.

So this travelling exhibition is up on the third floor of MBAS, and as a frequent visitor, I know a few things:

1. You just walk into the gallery. It costs I think $5 as a suggested donation. Nobody checks your ID or anything.

2. The fire escape, which you can access through a normal screen door leading to a small balcony from the always-open third-floor break room, is a set of stairs running right down to beside the gallery. It is always unlocked and unalarmed. I've seen enough people ducking out there for a smoke over time that I'm aware of that.

3. There's one security person; on the day I drop by to see the Impressionists, it's a women in I'd guess her 70s. They walk every floor, very slowly, so once they leave the third floor to walk downstairs and start over at the first, you've got probably a 20-minute window before they get back to the third floor.

Faced with the Impressionists, I also realize:

1. They've just, like, hung the paintings. Like you or I would. They don't seem to be super affixed to the walls with some sort of weird backing systems, they aren't locked or behind glass. They're just there, wire on a nail style.

2. There are, at least to my ability to see them, no security cameras or anything. I'd never really cared to look before, but I'm suddenly motivated by the realization that

3. I can totally steal a fucking Van Gogh.

Spoiler: I didn't. But man, I thought real hard about it. Not to keep, but just, you know, take it down, wander down the fire escape, loop the block and drop it back off. Or take it home for the night and drop it off in the morning.

Do I regret not stealing a Van Gogh? Hell yeah. I wish to this day I'd nutted up and temporarily stolen a Van Gogh. Maybe I was missing something and an alarm would have gone off and I would have been charged with attempted theft of a Van Gogh, but if you're gonna crime, what a crime to crime.

And maybe I wasn't missing something! Maybe I could have 100% stolen a Van Gogh. And for the rest of my life been dining out on The Time I Stole the Van Gogh.

But I didn't. So instead all I have is The Time I Could Have Stolen A Van Gogh And Didn't. Which is what you're getting here.

Sorry.
posted by Shepherd at 11:35 AM on July 5 [8 favorites]

customers called out ‘Play it again, Sam’ so often that her given name, Evelyn, became a gutter ball.”

Play it again Sam is a Casablanca (movie) reference and gutter ball is what you call a throw in bowling where the ball ends up at the extreme side of the alley, in the gutter, and therefor strikes no pins. IE something bad.
posted by Mitheral at 10:59 AM on July 7