Scientists discover high levels of cocaine in Brazilian sharpnose sharks

July 24, 2024 6:20 AM

Scientists discover high levels of cocaine in Brazilian sharpnose sharks. Sharks off the coast of Rio de Janerio have tested positive for cocaine, but it is not known how it affects their behaviour.
posted by chariot pulled by cassowaries (42 comments total)

Those sharks probably have a lot of great ideas on how to make endless movies based on existing IP.

They probably have so many great ideas they want to share with you like right now, hey btw do you guys have a rolled up bill they can use
posted by Kitteh at 6:24 AM on July 24 [20 favorites]

Wait, wait, a Jaws 3 remake!
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:27 AM on July 24 [4 favorites]

Sharcocainado!
posted by notoriety public at 6:29 AM on July 24 [19 favorites]

Cocaine shark, do do do do do do....
posted by Holy Zarquon's Singing Fish at 6:29 AM on July 24 [37 favorites]

"Scientists who carried out the study, titled Cocaine Sharks..." providing the perfect title for a summer blockbuster.
posted by pangolin party at 6:31 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Wildlife imitates "art"
posted by chavenet at 6:36 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't describe it as "high levels." The linked article says "The study, published in Science of the Total Environment, reported traces of the drugs were found in the sharks' livers and muscles." The original scientific article reports cocaine concentrations of "23.0 μg kg−1". μg is a microgram, or a millionth of a gram. These sharks range from "100 to 2950 g," so we're talking something like 1/500,000 of a gram in a shark. It's still disturbing, but these sharks aren't snorting large lines of blow.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 6:53 AM on July 24 [2 favorites]

but these sharks aren't snorting large lines of blow.

yet.
posted by chavenet at 6:55 AM on July 24 [22 favorites]

Can you imagine the poor dolphin that gets cornered by one of these guys and has to listen to them go on about how their new shark band is better but not different I mean not better but different I mean like not better and not different but so awesome and probably better and not different and so awesome and like kind of a psych thing but also tropicalia influenced but also classic synth pop with like a nod toward dream pop but also early oughts pop but also so fire and totally going make it even though the last one didn't and did you know who we ran into out at the reef last week and he is absolutely coming to see us play next High Tide and fucking fuck I don't want to jinx us but we are going to be fucking huge this time I can feel it is it hot in here?
posted by thivaia at 6:59 AM on July 24 [31 favorites]

The trailer for the 2023 movie Cocaine Shark.

Top comment on it: "They blew the whole special effects budget on cocaine"
posted by Wordshore at 7:15 AM on July 24 [7 favorites]

I wouldn't describe it as "high levels."

DAMMIT! What does a man have to do to get a proper lunch around here?!?
posted by GCU Sweet and Full of Grace at 7:17 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Maybe THIS is why people think sharks have to keep moving or else they die.
posted by wabbittwax at 7:55 AM on July 24 [2 favorites]

What is with the bullshit click-bait title on OP? "High levels of cocaine" are mentioned nowhere in TFA, which is explicit that the study it describes

... reported traces of the drugs were found in the sharks' livers and muscles.

(emphasis added).

The legacy media do a fine job of this kind of bullshit around psychoactive substances without your help. Please stop.
posted by Aardvark Cheeselog at 8:15 AM on July 24 [6 favorites]

Think of the poor shark that has to go to NA and FA
posted by funkaspuck at 8:23 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

This is where "coked to the gills" comes from?
posted by pracowity at 8:36 AM on July 24 [16 favorites]

We're gonna need a bigger mirror.
posted by haplesschild at 8:49 AM on July 24 [11 favorites]

Friendly reminder that "Cocaine Bear" was also a real thing, that happened in the 1980s. (I didn't see the movie, mostly because I don't see a lot of movies.)
posted by fantabulous timewaster at 9:03 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

I didn't see the movie, mostly because I don't see a lot of movies

If you haven't seen it, and you like extremely dumb and humorously violent movies that revel in their dumbness, I actually strongly recommend it. I think a sequel with a cocaine shark would work equally as well. Like Jaws, but re imagined as a violent comedy.
posted by The_Vegetables at 9:21 AM on July 24 [3 favorites]

I wouldn't describe it as "high levels."

The linked article goes on to say that cocaine breaks down pretty quickly in the environment, so finding any cocaine in the shark counts as a surprisingly high level of cocaine.

I was going to say "who woke up one day and decided, 'I'm going to test sharks for cocaine'" but the linked article pretty much fills in the blank there - it's someone trying to see how much cocaine is dumped in the environment, and they've checked the rivers so time to check wildlife
posted by Merus at 9:29 AM on July 24 [6 favorites]

as Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a daytrading shark
posted by cortex at 9:39 AM on July 24 [19 favorites]

this explains why sharks hang around blow holes
posted by They sucked his brains out! at 9:56 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Who had "coked-up Brazilian sharks" on their 2024 Bingo card?
posted by orange swan at 10:00 AM on July 24 [3 favorites]

"We're going to need a bigger note" is winning the headline competition so far.
posted by Klipspringer at 10:06 AM on July 24

Once upon a time I would have thought this was an Onion article. I would like to think this is AI generated. Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure it's just same ol' same ol' going to hell in a handbasket reporting. Wheeeeee!
posted by BlueHorse at 10:13 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Well, I was workin' on my farm 'bout 1982
Pullin' up some corn and a little carrot, too
When two low-flying airplanes, 'bout a hundred feet high
Dropped a bunch o' bales o' somethin', some hit me in the eye...

posted by rum-soaked space hobo at 10:32 AM on July 24 [2 favorites]

Test the hippos next!
posted by TedW at 11:19 AM on July 24

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy
They don't want to have to find a new dealer.
posted by nickmark at 11:24 AM on July 24

One would think that any amount of cocaine over 0 in a shark would be considered "high levels" unless there's a general acceptable normal baseline of shark cocaine use.
posted by star gentle uterus at 11:24 AM on July 24 [6 favorites]

We're assuming a zero baseline, but that assumption should perhaps be reconsidered in light of the fact that these are sharpnose sharks.
posted by nickmark at 11:28 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Could be worse.

They could be cryptobro sharks.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:56 AM on July 24 [1 favorite]

Fucks sake.

There are traces of cocaine in you. Right now.

There are very small amounts of everything in everywhere.

We can detect very small amounts of everything in everywhere because we have very sensitive machines for detecting everything. everywhere. Literally. We can detect methamphetamine, caffeine and THC in city air. There's a few picograms per cubic metre. We can detect picograms.

What's the effect of this? Mostly fuck all, coz picograms don't do shit. Mostly.

You are not high right now despite the cocaine in you. That's what "traces" means.

(If you are high right now because of the cocaine in you, then that's not because of "traces", you munter. It's because of that fat line you racked up. If you are seeing traces, that's because of the LSD in you.)
posted by happyinmotion at 12:37 PM on July 24 [10 favorites]

You are not high right now despite the cocaine in you.
Speak for yourself.
posted by pracowity at 12:42 PM on July 24 [7 favorites]

Metafilter: There are traces of cocaine in you. Right now.
posted by haplesschild at 1:20 PM on July 24 [8 favorites]

Sharks have been doing homeopathic cocaine for years.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 1:30 PM on July 24 [4 favorites]

Probably from feasting on straying dealers or informants, who appear from the sky from a GenZ Tony Montana's helicopter.
posted by lobstah at 3:19 PM on July 24

At least some suppliers now have a decent excuse for "losing" their shipments en route...
posted by gtrwolf at 3:52 PM on July 24

(doorbell rings)
who is it
candygram
I don't think so who's
UNICEF
right come on I'll call
8 ball of coke
what
Landshark
posted by clavdivs at 3:59 PM on July 24 [7 favorites]

"Cocaine Sharks with Batteries" - the MAGA horror flick we're all waiting for
posted by mbo at 5:20 PM on July 24

For all of you complaining about the phrase “high levels of cocaine”, what is the normal level of cocaine in a shark?


(But I do agree that it is a bit hyperbolic.)
posted by TedW at 5:56 PM on July 24 [2 favorites]

the next sharknado gon be wild yo
posted by Jacqueline at 7:21 PM on July 24

Maybe this explains Trump's fixation, the residual run-off from the Mar-a-Lago crowd is fueling a shiver of cocaine-crazed super sharks in his backyard.
posted by nanny's striped stocking at 2:20 AM on July 25

There are traces of cocaine in you. Right now.

I'm going to get this cross-stitched on a pillow.
posted by thivaia at 10:38 AM on July 25 [2 favorites]