Men get raped too
September 26, 2024 9:07 PM Subscribe
At least 1 in 6 men have been sexually abused or assaulted. "Baby Reindeer" is helping many finally start talking about it.
(Trigger warnings: rape, sexual assault, child sexual abuse, prison, stalking, suicide.)
If you're a male survivor of sexual abuse, please bookmark some support resources before continuing to ensure that you'll have someone to talk to about anything this post stirs up even if you're not comfortable sharing here:
* RAINN hotline and chat
* 1in6 regularly scheduled support group chats
* Male Survivor support forum
Despite being surprisingly common, the body of literature examining men as victims of sexual violence is lacking.
Social stigmas make male rape victims more likely to be seen as wanting it, assumed to have been turned gay by it, or even seen as deserving it. No wonder they're less willing to talk about it.
But the Emmy-award-winning Netflix miniseries Baby Reindeer (IMDB, Fan Fare) has helped get that difficult conversation started and even inspired a massive surge of first-time callers to a male sexual abuse survivors support hotline.
If you're a male survivor of sexual abuse, please bookmark some support resources before continuing to ensure that you'll have someone to talk to about anything this post stirs up even if you're not comfortable sharing here:
* RAINN hotline and chat
* 1in6 regularly scheduled support group chats
* Male Survivor support forum
Despite being surprisingly common, the body of literature examining men as victims of sexual violence is lacking.
Social stigmas make male rape victims more likely to be seen as wanting it, assumed to have been turned gay by it, or even seen as deserving it. No wonder they're less willing to talk about it.
But the Emmy-award-winning Netflix miniseries Baby Reindeer (IMDB, Fan Fare) has helped get that difficult conversation started and even inspired a massive surge of first-time callers to a male sexual abuse survivors support hotline.
Thank you.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:22 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 9:22 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]
I was six or seven, I think, when the teenager down the street managed to lure me into the downstairs bathroom of my own house with a Playboy magazine and tried to get me to touch his junk.
Then, as a teen myself, lying alone on the beach, having a old guy approach and try to start a conversation, then suddenly fondle my ass.
Both times I ran. I hadn't really thought about it until now.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:26 PM on September 26 [4 favorites]
Then, as a teen myself, lying alone on the beach, having a old guy approach and try to start a conversation, then suddenly fondle my ass.
Both times I ran. I hadn't really thought about it until now.
posted by CynicalKnight at 10:26 PM on September 26 [4 favorites]
I am incredibly heartened by the increasing number of men who have spoken publicly about assault. Being able to show solidarity and join forces to fight for survivors and against abuse means a lot.
I studied anthropology as an undergrad and grad student. In my lifetime it has been not-uncommon for middle-aged-white-men professors of anthropology to spout off about rape being “about sex”, meaning about some stereotype of cishet men’s desire for sex with cishet women, with the implication often being that we all must accept men raping women as a Fact Of Nature, Because Men Evolved To Want Sex With Women. More men speaking up smashes this facile bullshit to bits, and turns the focus back on power, anger, shame, fear, and control, where it belongs.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:09 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]
I studied anthropology as an undergrad and grad student. In my lifetime it has been not-uncommon for middle-aged-white-men professors of anthropology to spout off about rape being “about sex”, meaning about some stereotype of cishet men’s desire for sex with cishet women, with the implication often being that we all must accept men raping women as a Fact Of Nature, Because Men Evolved To Want Sex With Women. More men speaking up smashes this facile bullshit to bits, and turns the focus back on power, anger, shame, fear, and control, where it belongs.
posted by rrrrrrrrrt at 11:09 PM on September 26 [1 favorite]
Emotional flashbacks from CPTSD are different from regular flashbacks, at least, according to some. They can last a very long time, days, even weeks.
I very recently came out of somewhat of an experience, where I realized a pattern connecting many dots in my life, an arc going back farther than I imagined. I am quite sure I then immediately relived about 30 years of suppressed memories of trauma, vividly, over the course of about 30-40 days. These were not a random firehose, per se, but a narrative sequence of every single moment in my life I had suppressed, in extraordinarily vivid detail, exactly according to sequence. Flashbacks do not come as memories, there is no fade or encoding or dissociation, you relive the entire sensory, emotional and cognitive feed. My understanding at the moment is that I have not overreacted, so much as I was finally able to react and process the trauma that I should have at that time, and the people who dominated me prevented me from doing so. It has been a journey, and I have realized many things. I have slowly, slowly been able to see this ordeal as a mode for my inner child which abused and under-resourced to communicate where I still am not resourced to this day.
This is awesome! I am able to proactively, deliberately meet these needs, even if they are weird. I've been spending evenings with a good friend and her kids every week; we get to hang out, everyone has more spoons because my friend doesn't have to be everything to her kids, and um, she leaves me voice messages of her reading children of time to them. I have told her exactly why storytime is deeply, deeply soothing for me and keep checking in to make sure it's not weird, but, like, with an actual map of needs I'm finally able to be intentional.
It feels like 30 years of memories have flooded back in, but I suspect it's more likely that I have finally unlearned 30 years of other people's bullshit views which they forced upon my reality. I don't know how to express this, but I had been in cognitive decline for years, but I feel as if I am thinking as I remember myself thinking at 7 years old, but with 30 years more experience, a bullshit recognizer, and a moral compass I am proud of.
There was more to the experience. I remembered a lot. I realized a ton. My understanding is mixed with experiences that were purely internal reality as well, and I am unable to perfectly separate which is which. But I am able to live in rapport with my parts, and have found something of an extraordinarily functional balance. The balance is a sort of flow, it takes some maintaining, and I just learned I can go right back to CPTSD land in a heartbeat. But I think this is going to get easier. A lot easier.
My place is trashed. Long term care providers and other people in my support network are convinced I have been on drugs and have either withdrawn entirely or are pretty damn angry. Ha, food and money. But, this so hard to express, I am finally able to think clearly again. Because of this, everything is different. I need anyone who is going through anything like to know, it is possible for things to get better. It is actually fucking possible. I spent years "stable," treading water, circling the drain, I didn't care. I needed to take care of others who would have it worse if I didn't. But the sparkle had gone out, and I had resigned to that being my lot. I was wrong.
I have so much work to do. No buffer is an absolutely enormous issue, but for the first time in very, very long time I am able to actually capitalize on opportunities rather than automatically sabotage them. I know my own needs well enough to actually craft positions around them. Many things seem suddenly, extremely obvious, and my little 7 year old brain is playing legos with some very adult tools and uh, some of this shit looks like it could work. I have a hypothesis for how cooperation can outcompete competition. I believe collective ownership will become a more and more attractive deal as wealth stratifies, employment becomes increasingly unstable, and nations cede responsibilities to corporations and other warlords. I think I need to move out of Oakland immediately; I need so much help and I don't think Web3land is where the dreamers are anymore.
I wanted to share this just in case anyone needed it. IT CAN ACTUALLY GET BETTER. Please please please don't lose hope, I cannot give anyone guarantees, I only know that it is actually 100% possible on the table to turn something like this around. Not healed exactly. But fuck, I have not felt this drive or purpose for so long. I have more energy in any given day then I've had in previous weeks. My senses have come alive, I have never been so grateful to be alive.
One of the very first things I learned as a very, very, very young practically non-verbal child was that insofar as I had wants or needs outside of my parents's wants or needs, I was bad or wrong. I remember not being allowed to move from a chair as my mother dragged electric clipping shears through my ear, yelling at me not to scream, it shouldn't hurt, and thinking oh, I wasn't a real boy. She did relent when the clipper gumed up with my blood. I didn't wake up until high school, when a creative writing teacher expressed interest in a story of mine that was not just a reflection of someone else. I had to go back into workhorse mode when I dropped out of college. It has been a long, long ride.
Life is worth it. It is all worth it. I know it didn't feel that way. I remember that, so vividly, so many days.
But I get to be alive again
If anyone tells you differently, ignore that asshole! Especially if it's yourself, do you have any idea what a dick you are to you?
love got me out all of this. If you could use some, my DMs are open
posted by 1024 at 11:20 PM on September 26 [9 favorites]
I very recently came out of somewhat of an experience, where I realized a pattern connecting many dots in my life, an arc going back farther than I imagined. I am quite sure I then immediately relived about 30 years of suppressed memories of trauma, vividly, over the course of about 30-40 days. These were not a random firehose, per se, but a narrative sequence of every single moment in my life I had suppressed, in extraordinarily vivid detail, exactly according to sequence. Flashbacks do not come as memories, there is no fade or encoding or dissociation, you relive the entire sensory, emotional and cognitive feed. My understanding at the moment is that I have not overreacted, so much as I was finally able to react and process the trauma that I should have at that time, and the people who dominated me prevented me from doing so. It has been a journey, and I have realized many things. I have slowly, slowly been able to see this ordeal as a mode for my inner child which abused and under-resourced to communicate where I still am not resourced to this day.
This is awesome! I am able to proactively, deliberately meet these needs, even if they are weird. I've been spending evenings with a good friend and her kids every week; we get to hang out, everyone has more spoons because my friend doesn't have to be everything to her kids, and um, she leaves me voice messages of her reading children of time to them. I have told her exactly why storytime is deeply, deeply soothing for me and keep checking in to make sure it's not weird, but, like, with an actual map of needs I'm finally able to be intentional.
It feels like 30 years of memories have flooded back in, but I suspect it's more likely that I have finally unlearned 30 years of other people's bullshit views which they forced upon my reality. I don't know how to express this, but I had been in cognitive decline for years, but I feel as if I am thinking as I remember myself thinking at 7 years old, but with 30 years more experience, a bullshit recognizer, and a moral compass I am proud of.
There was more to the experience. I remembered a lot. I realized a ton. My understanding is mixed with experiences that were purely internal reality as well, and I am unable to perfectly separate which is which. But I am able to live in rapport with my parts, and have found something of an extraordinarily functional balance. The balance is a sort of flow, it takes some maintaining, and I just learned I can go right back to CPTSD land in a heartbeat. But I think this is going to get easier. A lot easier.
My place is trashed. Long term care providers and other people in my support network are convinced I have been on drugs and have either withdrawn entirely or are pretty damn angry. Ha, food and money. But, this so hard to express, I am finally able to think clearly again. Because of this, everything is different. I need anyone who is going through anything like to know, it is possible for things to get better. It is actually fucking possible. I spent years "stable," treading water, circling the drain, I didn't care. I needed to take care of others who would have it worse if I didn't. But the sparkle had gone out, and I had resigned to that being my lot. I was wrong.
I have so much work to do. No buffer is an absolutely enormous issue, but for the first time in very, very long time I am able to actually capitalize on opportunities rather than automatically sabotage them. I know my own needs well enough to actually craft positions around them. Many things seem suddenly, extremely obvious, and my little 7 year old brain is playing legos with some very adult tools and uh, some of this shit looks like it could work. I have a hypothesis for how cooperation can outcompete competition. I believe collective ownership will become a more and more attractive deal as wealth stratifies, employment becomes increasingly unstable, and nations cede responsibilities to corporations and other warlords. I think I need to move out of Oakland immediately; I need so much help and I don't think Web3land is where the dreamers are anymore.
I wanted to share this just in case anyone needed it. IT CAN ACTUALLY GET BETTER. Please please please don't lose hope, I cannot give anyone guarantees, I only know that it is actually 100% possible on the table to turn something like this around. Not healed exactly. But fuck, I have not felt this drive or purpose for so long. I have more energy in any given day then I've had in previous weeks. My senses have come alive, I have never been so grateful to be alive.
One of the very first things I learned as a very, very, very young practically non-verbal child was that insofar as I had wants or needs outside of my parents's wants or needs, I was bad or wrong. I remember not being allowed to move from a chair as my mother dragged electric clipping shears through my ear, yelling at me not to scream, it shouldn't hurt, and thinking oh, I wasn't a real boy. She did relent when the clipper gumed up with my blood. I didn't wake up until high school, when a creative writing teacher expressed interest in a story of mine that was not just a reflection of someone else. I had to go back into workhorse mode when I dropped out of college. It has been a long, long ride.
Life is worth it. It is all worth it. I know it didn't feel that way. I remember that, so vividly, so many days.
But I get to be alive again
If anyone tells you differently, ignore that asshole! Especially if it's yourself, do you have any idea what a dick you are to you?
love got me out all of this. If you could use some, my DMs are open
posted by 1024 at 11:20 PM on September 26 [9 favorites]
For some reason, I read a reddit thread asking for men to write about having been sexually abused by women. I think the entries were in the low thousands. I don't know if I can find it again, but there was immense variety and lack of inhibition from the women.
At least men are told that sexual assault is wrong, even if a lot of them don't want to hear it. Women have nothing but their own emotional competence or lack of same to decide on whether to commit sexual assault.
This isn't the same thread, but it's something of the sort: https://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wahaup/askreddit_men_of_reddit_who_have_been_raped_by_a/
This probably isn't the same thread, either.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/khfdb1/serious_men_of_reddit_who_have_been_raped_by/
One thing I've heard about from men I know is that it isn't safe to wear a kilt.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 12:48 AM on September 27
At least men are told that sexual assault is wrong, even if a lot of them don't want to hear it. Women have nothing but their own emotional competence or lack of same to decide on whether to commit sexual assault.
This isn't the same thread, but it's something of the sort: https://www.reddit.com/r/MensRights/comments/wahaup/askreddit_men_of_reddit_who_have_been_raped_by_a/
This probably isn't the same thread, either.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/khfdb1/serious_men_of_reddit_who_have_been_raped_by/
One thing I've heard about from men I know is that it isn't safe to wear a kilt.
posted by Nancy Lebovitz at 12:48 AM on September 27
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People with relevant experience and expertise, please feel free to take it from here and make this thread helpful.
Thanks!
posted by Jacqueline at 9:11 PM on September 26 [6 favorites]