CLOSED PENIS IN REFRIGERATOR DOOR
January 1, 2025 5:14 PM Subscribe
It's the new year, and that means it's time for Defector's rundown of What We Got Stuck In Our Various Orifaces and What We Did To Mr. Happy for 2024.
The 2023 and 2022 rundowns on the Blue.
The 2023 and 2022 rundowns on the Blue.
"WAS ROUGHHOUSING WITH HER HUSBAND WHO LIFTED HER UP AND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HER ON A HOT DOG COOKER. VAGINAL BLEEDING"
I guess ... like you do. I mean, ouch, but also ... how?
Zero judgement. You do you.
posted by edencosmic at 5:44 PM on January 1
I guess ... like you do. I mean, ouch, but also ... how?
Zero judgement. You do you.
posted by edencosmic at 5:44 PM on January 1
OrifacesTypo or portmanteau?
posted by Strutter Cane - United Planets Stilt Patrol at 5:57 PM on January 1 [8 favorites]
One in a million shot, Doc.
posted by Lemkin at 5:58 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
posted by Lemkin at 5:58 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
SLIPPED ON DOCK TRYING TO EXIT BOAT, HAD ABOUT 6 BEERS, FELL FACE FIRST IN WATER, HAD GUN IN PANTS POCKET THAT FIRED. GUNSHOT WOUND TO PENIS
posted by Carillon at 6:12 PM on January 1 [8 favorites]
posted by Carillon at 6:12 PM on January 1 [8 favorites]
Most. American. Injury.
posted by NoxAeternum at 6:13 PM on January 1 [15 favorites]
posted by NoxAeternum at 6:13 PM on January 1 [15 favorites]
WAS CLEANING HEDGEHOG'S CAGE AND BEGAN EXPERIENCING TESTICLE PAIN
Someone felt he wasn’t cleaning it well enough, decided to provide motivation.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:23 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
Someone felt he wasn’t cleaning it well enough, decided to provide motivation.
posted by GenjiandProust at 6:23 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
Mod note: [#HappyNewYear! We've added this cautionary tail to the New Year's roundup on the sidebar and Best Of blog!]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:33 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
posted by taz (staff) at 6:33 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
GOT A CD STUCK ONTO HIS PENIS. WAS UNABLE TO REMOVE ITIn 2024? What the hell?
PENIS BECAME WRAPPED AROUND CRANK OF VICTROLA
GOT SCROTUM CAUGHT BETWEEN CAPSTAN AND ROLLER OF WALKMAN AND ACCIDENTALLY MASHED FAST FORWARD BUTTON
LACERATIONS FROM RECORD NEEDLE ON GLANS, STATED THEY WANTED TO KNOW WHAT PENIS SOUNDS LIKE
posted by phooky at 7:10 PM on January 1 [23 favorites]
"SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR 'STREET CRED'"
I am afraid to ask about the crew this valedictorian hangs out with that would give them street cred for this.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:13 PM on January 1 [6 favorites]
I am afraid to ask about the crew this valedictorian hangs out with that would give them street cred for this.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:13 PM on January 1 [6 favorites]
Thankfully running a VPN so my ISP doesn't know I visited these sites and show me ads related.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:14 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 7:14 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
PATIENT STATES HE TIED A COTTON ROPE AROUND HIS PENIS 2 DAYS AGO IN ORDER "TO PROVE A POINT"
I have so many questions.
posted by FallibleHuman at 7:49 PM on January 1 [11 favorites]
I have so many questions.
posted by FallibleHuman at 7:49 PM on January 1 [11 favorites]
VAGINA
• PENCIL
• 2 PENCILS
OMG Stacy, do you have to one-up me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME? Can't I have one thing in my life that's just for me?
posted by PlusDistance at 8:19 PM on January 1 [10 favorites]
• PENCIL
• 2 PENCILS
OMG Stacy, do you have to one-up me EVERY. SINGLE. TIME? Can't I have one thing in my life that's just for me?
posted by PlusDistance at 8:19 PM on January 1 [10 favorites]
PATIENT STATES HE TIED A COTTON ROPE AROUND HIS PENIS 2 DAYS AGO IN ORDER "TO PROVE A POINT"
OK, OK, fine. Jet fuel can't melt steel beams. Now will you please put on your pants and come inside?
posted by PlusDistance at 8:23 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]
OK, OK, fine. Jet fuel can't melt steel beams. Now will you please put on your pants and come inside?
posted by PlusDistance at 8:23 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]
WAS MASTURBATING WHEN HE FELL OFF THE BED WHILE MASTURBATING AND LANDED ONTO HIS PENIS
"Ooh, the judges are going to take away points for that. It's so important to nail the dismount. Especially in the compulsories."
posted by PlusDistance at 8:30 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
"Ooh, the judges are going to take away points for that. It's so important to nail the dismount. Especially in the compulsories."
posted by PlusDistance at 8:30 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
Obviously, the dogs planned this beforehand.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:48 PM on January 1 [12 favorites]
Obviously, the dogs planned this beforehand.
posted by Saxon Kane at 8:48 PM on January 1 [12 favorites]
Tag yourself, I'm
posted by The otter lady at 9:09 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
posted by The otter lady at 9:09 PM on January 1 [1 favorite]
And in actions that are just horrible sounding:
"TOOK A PIECE OF PLASTIC COATED PAPER FROM A MILK CONTAINER, ROLLED IT TIGHTLY, WRAPPED IT WITH TAPE TO THE SIZE OF 'GREATER THAN A CRAYON' AND INSERTED IT AS FAR AS HE COULD INTO HIS PENIS SEVERAL HOURS AGO"posted by NoxAeternum at 9:18 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
I don't know what it says about my media consumption when I know exactly what Countess Elena's link is about. Poor guy broke Reddit containment and it's going to live forever now, isn't it?
posted by ninazer0 at 9:19 PM on January 1 [4 favorites]
posted by ninazer0 at 9:19 PM on January 1 [4 favorites]
We are such a clumsy country
posted by gottabefunky at 9:39 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
posted by gottabefunky at 9:39 PM on January 1 [2 favorites]
TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
Rarer, but fortunately less severe than tripping over small dog and big dog stepping on testicles.
posted by atoxyl at 10:10 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
Rarer, but fortunately less severe than tripping over small dog and big dog stepping on testicles.
posted by atoxyl at 10:10 PM on January 1 [5 favorites]
My dog, who hates bicyclists, wanted to emphasize all bicycle-related penis injuries were deserved.
And if I had to chose a descriptor for myself of either having "modestly sized hands" or an "immodestly sized wang" I'd choose the former, but I don't see how a ring which fits on your finger is going to fit on mr happy. But I'm pretty lazy.
posted by maxwelton at 11:39 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]
And if I had to chose a descriptor for myself of either having "modestly sized hands" or an "immodestly sized wang" I'd choose the former, but I don't see how a ring which fits on your finger is going to fit on mr happy. But I'm pretty lazy.
posted by maxwelton at 11:39 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]
DOMINO?!
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:07 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
posted by inexorably_forward at 12:07 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
I feel like I've drifted into a Hero Dogs, Upside Down episode (Stranger Things spoilers). Though I can relate to WAS HOLDING A DOG LEASH THAT RETRACTED AND THE HARD PART STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLE, but having no testicle(s) it was more of a brief ouchie and dragging on the ground thing, which just don't say anything now.
My dog did break my ankle though (wet from bath, her; tile floor, location of crime; slippers, me), so it's not like I got off lightly on the dog injury front.
posted by taz at 12:17 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
My dog did break my ankle though (wet from bath, her; tile floor, location of crime; slippers, me), so it's not like I got off lightly on the dog injury front.
posted by taz at 12:17 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
THE HARD PART STRUCK HIM IN THE TESTICLE
isn't that one of those The Culture spaceships from Iain Banks?
posted by chavenet at 2:23 AM on January 2 [23 favorites]
isn't that one of those The Culture spaceships from Iain Banks?
posted by chavenet at 2:23 AM on January 2 [23 favorites]
LIGHT BULB
LIGHT BULB, BROKEN
runner-up in the Hemingway short-short story contest
posted by chavenet at 2:25 AM on January 2 [17 favorites]
LIGHT BULB, BROKEN
runner-up in the Hemingway short-short story contest
posted by chavenet at 2:25 AM on January 2 [17 favorites]
Culture spaceships
Oh god, I'm still laughing. This is the best quote of the day for me.
posted by taz at 3:46 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]
Oh god, I'm still laughing. This is the best quote of the day for me.
posted by taz at 3:46 AM on January 2 [2 favorites]
PENIS BECAME WRAPPED AROUND CRANK OF VICTROLA
You make the joke, phooky, but you can't tell me that no one ever looked at an Edison wax cylinder and thought, you know, if I warmed it up a little...
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:41 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
You make the joke, phooky, but you can't tell me that no one ever looked at an Edison wax cylinder and thought, you know, if I warmed it up a little...
posted by Halloween Jack at 4:41 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
Does it mean I'm a bad person because I laughed at most of these?
TBH, I also winced in pain along with the victims....
posted by Lynsey at 10:25 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
TBH, I also winced in pain along with the victims....
posted by Lynsey at 10:25 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
ninazer0, i didn't think I knew what it meant until I clicked through, and then realized I totally knew what it meant. Oh man. Life is hard.
posted by taz at 10:49 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
posted by taz at 10:49 AM on January 2 [1 favorite]
[Anus]
3 AAA BATTERIES
2 AA BATTERIES
1 D BATTERY
Stands to reason, different models need different voltages.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:52 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
3 AAA BATTERIES
2 AA BATTERIES
1 D BATTERY
Stands to reason, different models need different voltages.
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:52 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
"PATIENT STATES SLIPPED AND FELL IN THE BATHTUB LANDING ON A SHARK TOY"
BABY SHARK TOY
Anal shark, doo doo doo doo doo
TAIL OF TOY DINOSAUR
My question is, is it the plastic triceratops that was in the vagina earlier?
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:57 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
BABY SHARK TOY
Anal shark, doo doo doo doo doo
TAIL OF TOY DINOSAUR
My question is, is it the plastic triceratops that was in the vagina earlier?
posted by dlugoczaj at 10:57 AM on January 2 [3 favorites]
WAS WORKING ON HIS DECK AND STEPPED ON A LOOSE BOARD AND IT SHOT UP AND STRUCK HIM ON THE SCROTUM
Where I'm from, we call that deck-tapping.
TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
Most legitimate injury on the lists.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:42 AM on January 2
Where I'm from, we call that deck-tapping.
TRIPPED OVER LARGE DOG AND SMALL DOG STEPPED ON TESTICLES
Most legitimate injury on the lists.
posted by JustSayNoDawg at 11:42 AM on January 2
Stands to reason, different models need different voltages.
Well hold on now, do we know whether they were inserted in series or in parallel?
posted by atoxyl at 1:26 PM on January 2
Well hold on now, do we know whether they were inserted in series or in parallel?
posted by atoxyl at 1:26 PM on January 2
3 AAA BATTERIES
2 AA BATTERIES
1 D BATTERY
honey, your Tesla's ready!
posted by chavenet at 3:53 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
2 AA BATTERIES
1 D BATTERY
honey, your Tesla's ready!
posted by chavenet at 3:53 PM on January 2 [1 favorite]
“PUT HIS WEDDING RING AROUND THE SHAFT OF HIS PENIS. NOW HE CAN NOT GET IT OFF”
You know that everyone that came into that guy’s room was checking out the girthiness of his fingers.
posted by scivola at 5:52 PM on January 2
You know that everyone that came into that guy’s room was checking out the girthiness of his fingers.
posted by scivola at 5:52 PM on January 2
TAIL OF TOY DINOSAUR
Jesus hope it wasn't a stegosaurus
posted by gottabefunky at 11:01 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
Jesus hope it wasn't a stegosaurus
posted by gottabefunky at 11:01 AM on January 3 [1 favorite]
"TOOK CLONAZEPAM DOSE THREE TIMES INSTEAD OF ONCE AND HAS A BATTERY IN RECTUM AND HAS NAUSEA"
well that's a day that ends in Y amirite
posted by ginger.beef at 4:52 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]
well that's a day that ends in Y amirite
posted by ginger.beef at 4:52 PM on January 3 [1 favorite]
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posted by Ishbadiddle at 5:23 PM on January 1 [3 favorites]