f@#*king cens@$ship

February 11, 2003 1:28 PM

The TV Guardian is a "cuss buster," removing all profanity from recordings that are shown on your TV. Finally, something to make my movies and TV more wholesome than Mary Lou Retton (you know your career as a gymnast is in the shitter can, when you're hawking these kinds of products).
posted by mathowie (63 comments total)

Wow! It's like an electric parenting machine!

So does this thing filter out constant sitcoms talks of meaningless sex with a different partner every week, prime time gratuitous violence, and reality TV that turns human beings into shallow scumbags?

Because I'd much rather my child hear the word "shit" than see any of that crap.

Hey Mary Lou, how about watching the TV with your children?
posted by bondcliff at 1:32 PM on February 11, 2003

Did you two have s@x? = Did you two have hugs?

Sounds like somebody needs a Hug.
posted by Stan Chin at 1:32 PM on February 11, 2003

My first response (beyond the obvious one, which wouldn't make it past the device in question) was: "How on earth can they do that?" Speech recognition is hard, especially if you're doing it with lots of voices, probably in high dramatic modes, with explosions and other background noise. But they don't do it, they use the Closed Caption signal. Which would be easier - but I think pretty ineffective. I sometimes watch with it on, and I don't think they transcribe everything - and not always accurately. So I can imagine the amusing situation where nice little Mary Lou Retton has sat down with her nice little family, secure in the knowledge that they can safely watch, oh say South Park or the latest Tough Streets Action Drama, when "#$#%$*!!!" Oops!
posted by freebird at 1:36 PM on February 11, 2003

Did you two have s@x?---> Did you two have hugs?
lol

Mutes more than 150 different offensive words and phrases!
Strict and Moderate Filter Levels!

We could use on of those here.
posted by 111 at 1:36 PM on February 11, 2003

one of those.
posted by 111 at 1:36 PM on February 11, 2003

Coming Soon: the Booze Guardian

Opens you up to a whole host of acceptable family-friendly mixed drinks, shooters, and malt liquor.
posted by yeahyeahyeahwhoo at 1:39 PM on February 11, 2003

F%!@ you, a&$#%!#! ---> Go away, jerk!

On behalf of the International Brotherhood of Soda Jerks, I must protest the use of this continuing and long-standing slur on our profession. How long must we endure in silence!?!
posted by yhbc at 1:40 PM on February 11, 2003 [1 favorite]

Censored TV and films are fun to watch, especially when badly dubbed. Take Seth Gecko from the censored network version of 'Dusk Till Dawn,' for example:

"I may be a jerk, but I'm not a flippin' jerk."

A classic line made more classic.
posted by Shane at 1:40 PM on February 11, 2003

Did you two have s@x? = Did you two have hugs?

So then, this would in fact become "what the kids are calling it these days".
posted by padraigin at 1:41 PM on February 11, 2003

The FAQ says it doesn't work if the swears in the audio aren't in sync with the swears in the captioning. Doesn't that make this pretty much useless? Like it will be blotting out "good" dialogue and letting "naughty" stuff go through on a regular basis?

And "Did you have sex?=Did you have hugs?" is absurd enough to make me suspect a hoax.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:42 PM on February 11, 2003

"f@#*king cens@$ship"

This would ne Fark-ing censorship?
posted by Shane at 1:43 PM on February 11, 2003

Oh, go hug yourselves.

I wanna get a copy of Richard Pryor: Live On The Sunset Strip and run it through that. It should render it so incomprehensible you could call it art.

Or I could just play an old Hot Chocolate song:

I Believe In Miracles..Where you from? ...You Huggie Thing...
posted by jonmc at 1:44 PM on February 11, 2003

("be" not "ne")
posted by Shane at 1:44 PM on February 11, 2003

they use the Closed Caption signal

Um, not every program is closed captioned. Most aren't. And the transciptions are horrible. I've seen many CC programs in which they don't transcribe the foul words. This machine would miss those totally.
posted by tolkhan at 1:45 PM on February 11, 2003

That's just one of more than 13 uses of profanity in E.T.

Frankly I'm appalled.
posted by devon at 1:46 PM on February 11, 2003

Would this be something that requires a television?
posted by Orange Goblin at 1:48 PM on February 11, 2003

Is this something you need a television set in order to use? Because xmutex does not own a television.

On preview: Damn!
posted by soyjoy at 1:49 PM on February 11, 2003

Oooh, a competitive threat to cleanflicks, discussed here.

As a parent, I actually see the need for something like this, but not so crude. I can't count the number of great, positive-message, well-written and acted films I've seen that I have to nix for the kids (oldest, 10), because of the gratuitous sex, violence, or language. Shallow Hal is the most recent example that comes to mind. And I'm not a prude. I just don't relish the idea of certain words coming out of the mouths of my gradeschool kids. I'll get enough of that shit when they hit high school.

I like the idea of the Sopranos making two episodes each time they make one -- an HBO version and a network version. Why don't other filmmakers do that, using version two to preserve control over the eventual network version, or, better, as a "family friendly" version for the DVD release?
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 1:49 PM on February 11, 2003

See also MovieMask, the subject of this entertaining analysis.
posted by staggernation at 1:50 PM on February 11, 2003

Me:And "Did you have sex?=Did you have hugs?" is absurd enough to make me suspect a hoax.

Since the ordering page has a spot to enter credit card info allow me to change "hoax" to "fraud".
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 1:50 PM on February 11, 2003

I think the weemote is cooler.

"KIDS feel empowered by having their own remote control !"

Yeesh.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 1:53 PM on February 11, 2003

I wonder if "Flip you, melonfarmers!" is one of the replacement phrases?
posted by bondcliff at 1:55 PM on February 11, 2003

I've emailed them and asked if my little boy can wear one outside so he will not hear anyone taking the lord's name in vain. Hilarity will ensue.
posted by lupus_yonderboy at 1:55 PM on February 11, 2003

mary lou retton: tool of the imperialist running dog... oh, fuck hug it.
posted by quonsar at 1:57 PM on February 11, 2003

Did you two have s@x? = Did you two have hugs?

Isn't a sax a musical instrument. Am I missing something? And what the fuck is wrong with the word sex anyway? My sex is male.
posted by eyeballkid at 1:59 PM on February 11, 2003

If it's a hoax, they went through a lot of trouble to set up a secure order site and do up a whole user manual (available in both .pdf and web - okay, as a .jpg - formats). It also dates back to 1999, so I think this insanity is real.

However, the manual contains this inspiring bit of prose, which may switch the argument back to (funny) hoax:

The Moderate/Religious Content Filter setting allows the following words that would normally be filtered in the Strict setting: Oh, God; My, God; God; Jesus; Christ; sucks; crap; butt; hell; balls; forms of Screw; turd; wuss.
posted by yhbc at 2:01 PM on February 11, 2003

Stupidsexyflanders, do you really think it makes sense to release a "family friendly" version of the Sopranos?

If the originaly version of something is not suitable for your kids, then they shouldn't watch it, period. The Sopranos is about the mafia, a world that involves lots of violence and sex. To pretend it doesn't is doing your children, and any other network TV viewers, a disservice.

Don't you remember when Bobby Brady watched the Jessie James movie and they edited out all the gratuitous violence? He learned NOTHING!
posted by bondcliff at 2:02 PM on February 11, 2003

since when is penis profane?

Just what we need. More uptight people with sticks up their ass tail, afraid of their own anatomy.
posted by themikeb at 2:05 PM on February 11, 2003

Marsellus: What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple of pipe-hittin' niggers brothers, who'll go to work on homes here with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. Hear me talkin' hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn darn sight. I'm gonna get medieval on your ass booty.
posted by poopy at 2:09 PM on February 11, 2003

Hear me talkin' hillbilly boy? I ain't through with you by a damn darn sight. I'm gonna get medieval on your ass booty.
posted by poopy at 2:09 PM PST on February 11

That would be the shitty poopy version of Pulp Fiction, all right.
posted by Shane at 2:16 PM on February 11, 2003

say whatever you want; still doesn't change the fact that hillbilly boy is in for a ride.
posted by poopy at 2:18 PM on February 11, 2003

What else could "have hugs" possibly mean, anyway?
posted by wanderingmind at 2:20 PM on February 11, 2003

it's not a hoax. some relatives of mine have one of these. it works surpisingly well, actually; catches most swears.

It spits out lots of unintentional humor:
"Jerk-a-doodle-doo."
"where are my tennis tail?"
etc.
posted by sonofsamiam at 2:24 PM on February 11, 2003

This stupid, very stupid. However, people are free to do this and it's a parent's right to raise their child as they see fit. Why are we so critical? Oh I know, anyone who doesn't agree with us is wrong. What's the point of preserving our civil liberties if many on the left criticize other others for using them? The very essence of a free society is the ability to tolerate and even protect those who we disagree with. Shame on you! Again, this device for the TV is stupid.
posted by Bag Man at 2:24 PM on February 11, 2003

on preview: last comment has nothing to do with Shane's comment. my connection is like assbum-licking butterballsrolls.
posted by poopy at 2:25 PM on February 11, 2003

Mutes exclamatory uses of God, Jesus, and Christ

Oh, God! the movie. What it becomes Oh doG.
posted by thomcatspike at 2:25 PM on February 11, 2003

The very essence of a free society is the ability to tolerate and even protect those who we disagree with.
That in no way precludes vocally disagreeing with them, does it? Tolerance does not require silence. When I defend a person's right to free speech, I also defend my right to call them an ass with stupid beliefs.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 2:29 PM on February 11, 2003

hehe...pink said a bad word.

Terrence: Now, Phillip, did you learn something in all this?
Phillip: I did, Terrence. I learned that you're a boner-biting, dick-fart, fuck-face!
posted by poopy at 2:33 PM on February 11, 2003

That in no way precludes vocally disagreeing with them

This a very true, but of course how do you respond to how a parent as the right to raise their child as they please? If disagree agree with so them much, why don't just let them be? It is highly unlikely they are going to change their mind. At a certain point people deserve to live as they please (with the law) and be free from ridicule (just ask gays or women seeking abortions), this central tenet is expressed on MIFI with stipulation: If you express any view that is not in line with MIFI manifesto you loose such a right.
posted by Bag Man at 2:39 PM on February 11, 2003

Jesus bag man, chill out. I posted it just to poke a little fun at a silly device. I don't think anyone here is calling for storming the castle where they make them. It's just "hee haw, lookit what they made to filter the teevee."

Seriously, bringing politics or civil liberties into this is pointless. It's just some goofy pointing and laughing at how some people deal with difficult ideas or the work of parenting.
posted by mathowie at 2:46 PM on February 11, 2003

I Believe In Miracles..Where you from?

Jon: for years I thought the line was "I believe in Milko...Where you from, you sexy thing?". It was only two years ago I discovered the horrible truth: that there is no Milko.

I'm now too embarrassed to say what sort of product I figured Milko was.
posted by MiguelCardoso at 2:56 PM on February 11, 2003

maybe it uses the closed caption as guidance for a very simplified parsing process (reducing the problem to correlating the expected phonemes from the caption with the delivery on audio). that would allow the dubbing/mute to be correctly synchronized without a huge amount of processing. neat idea.
posted by andrew cooke at 2:59 PM on February 11, 2003

count me in for storming the castle.
posted by modofo at 3:19 PM on February 11, 2003

you know, at first, I thought that said Mary Lou Rotten.
posted by angry modem at 3:26 PM on February 11, 2003

Seems like yet another way for parents to avoid having to pay any real attention to what their kids watch, and to avoid having to put any real effort into teaching them about critical thinking, too. I'm sorry, but I can't see that as a good thing. Count me in for storming the hugging castle, too.
posted by biscotti at 3:31 PM on February 11, 2003

I had dinner a few weeks ago with a woman who had just purchased one for her two kids. I know she doesn't allow much of anything to be watched anyway, so this was just an added layer of protection.

I'm all for parental supervision, but listening to her excitedly describe what it was going to do for them was just kind of scary, in an "I'm just going to close their eyes and cover ears and they'll never, ever grow up!" sort of way.

Watching tv with the captions on is fun, it's never synched up and there are usually priceless goofs. I don't think this machine is going to go much of anywhere.
posted by jheiz at 3:32 PM on February 11, 2003

"Have fun stormin the castle!"
posted by freebird at 3:35 PM on February 11, 2003

maybe it uses the closed caption as guidance for a very simplified parsing process .

Ever try watching a sporting events in close caption. The delay is the worse part of it. As there is just commentary you would think it would be a snap for CC. It was a monday night football game and I could not make out what was being said in the text. At one point I had no idea what was happening on the field. And the text was not trying to quote Dan Deirdorf either.
posted by thomcatspike at 3:46 PM on February 11, 2003

Thank god I grew up sans television. They've yet to invent the device that will censor library books in real-time.
posted by IshmaelGraves at 3:56 PM on February 11, 2003

Anybody watched the demo video (10MB! WMV!) from MovieMask yet? I'm still not convinced it's not a hoax, especially given a/ the stick figure drawing in Titanic, or b/ the lightsabres in The Princess Bride (you'll understand when you see them).

If it is a joke, I'm pretty sure Mr. and Mrs. Larry King aren't in on it.
posted by John Shaft at 4:24 PM on February 11, 2003

IshmaelGraves- sure they have. It's called fire.
posted by dogwelder at 4:24 PM on February 11, 2003

Censored TV and films are fun to watch, especially when badly dubbed

Let's run with that Shane. This would be much better if, instead of displaying a modified, profanity-free closed-captioned version of the dialogue, it inserted dubbed dialogue. And you could choose the voice.

Dubbing Voice Selector Menu
1) Mary Lou Retton
2) Martha Stewart
3) The Simpsons' Reverend Lovejoy
4) Dana Carvey's Churchlady
5) Mr. T

Now that might be worth having.
posted by pitchblende at 4:26 PM on February 11, 2003

(Even more absurd considering neither Titanic or The Princess Bride are in their "supported movie list".)
posted by John Shaft at 4:26 PM on February 11, 2003

I very much want to know what type of product MiguelCardoso thought Milko was. I am almost tortured by the possibilities.
posted by faustessa at 4:39 PM on February 11, 2003

Me:And "Did you have sex?=Did you have hugs?" is absurd enough to make me suspect a hoax.

Since the ordering page has a spot to enter credit card info allow me to change "hoax" to "fraud".

It would have to be a pretty elaborate hoax/fraud -- I've seen several large billboards for this product throughout Oklahoma.
posted by Dirjy at 4:45 PM on February 11, 2003

Does this mean that the Dick Van Dyke Show will be renamed the Penis Van Lesbian Show?
posted by jonp72 at 5:23 PM on February 11, 2003

Dirjy:It would have to be a pretty elaborate hoax/fraud -- I've seen several large billboards for this product throughout Oklahoma.

I am guilty of extreme underestimation. Plus a few comments say it actually works, so nix on the fraud angle too.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 5:24 PM on February 11, 2003

Mary Lou Rotten

Johnny Lydon's wife?
posted by Shane at 6:15 PM on February 11, 2003

Mary Lou Rotten would be the lead singer of the Hug Pistols.
posted by adamgreenfield at 6:27 PM on February 11, 2003

what ever happened to the v-chip? or parental responsibility?

i'm up in canada right now and was just watching an episode of this hour is 22 minutes which first aired when the v-chip first came to canada. the commentator noted how it would not block the news or sports with real violence [flash to hockey fight and then protestors getting beaten by cops] but would block fake violence like the 3 stooges.
posted by birdherder at 6:56 PM on February 11, 2003

Excuse me, jonp72. My offline name happens to be Penis Van Lesbian. And I've heard all the jokes, so take your best shot.
posted by luser at 6:58 PM on February 11, 2003

Oh my G@|)! I have one of these things! I really didn't mean to do it... this TVGuardian thing is built into the DVD/VCR combo player I bought last year for the bedroom. Where's that Reservior Dogs DVD? I have got to try this out! "tail tail tail tail tail... a real hugs machine"
posted by AstroGuy at 8:36 PM on February 11, 2003

You people are missing the point here. Mary Lou is the focus. You must watch Mary Lou's Flip Flop Shop. The true agony of fading fame will make your skin crawl. If I remember correctly, there is some hugging involved.

As far as "Milko" goes, I think Sr Cardoso was misperceiving "Bilko", who, as we all know, is a thinly veiled avatar of the Dalai Lama.
posted by skyscraper at 11:56 PM on February 11, 2003