The Art & Science of Tampons

March 30, 2003 6:50 AM

The Tampon Thread - ok, boyz, think you know enough about tampons? Bet you didn't know about this utterly humiliating application! There's both an art and a science involved in tampons. You really can't say you know tampons until you've gotten hands on with them, perhaps even worn a few out in public. Come on guys, take the plunge and you too can experience that fresh feeling! (Oh wait, and these tampons - you say they vibrate?)
posted by madamjujujive (45 comments total)

Absolutely brilliant, educational post. Thankyou madamjujujive. :)
posted by plep at 6:59 AM on March 30, 2003

Frank Zappa offers an important safety tip:

"Well, the toilet went crazy
Yersterday afternoon
The plumber he says
*Never flush a tampoon!*"
posted by jonmc at 7:04 AM on March 30, 2003

What - no link to the Mastercard Tampon String spoof?

Seriously - those poor dogs.
posted by kristin at 7:15 AM on March 30, 2003

uh, can we go back to being a boyzone now?
posted by Vidiot at 7:28 AM on March 30, 2003

That whole post was just to set up the vibrating joke, wasn't it?

It was worth it!
posted by jacquilynne at 7:40 AM on March 30, 2003

Err...is this the first strike in the war against the MeFi Boyzone? Is this a campaign of toxic shock and awe?

Whatever, the case, I surrender!
posted by filmgoerjuan at 7:41 AM on March 30, 2003

Your Doberman puppy is going to require regular ear tapings for quite some time.

In the name of all that is holy, WHY!?

Thanks, Madam, the Bert link was really something for me, because, to tell the truth, I didn't know how that pink tube thing with the tricuspid valve flaps at the end worked. Now I know, there's a plunger deal I wasn't aware of that drives it right into the catcher's mitt.

narrator: "Somehow, he knew that after that moment, he would never be the same."
posted by planetkyoto at 7:49 AM on March 30, 2003

madam, you forgot to link to mum.

And planetkyoto: not all use applicators. Learn how.

"Got a price check. How much are the OB tampons? No, the flushables."
posted by ?! at 7:59 AM on March 30, 2003

A great man is a man who will buy tampons and not complain about it.

PAYBACKS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles..... the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?".

He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she doesn't like me to smoke so she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper.

So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"
posted by oh posey at 8:02 AM on March 30, 2003

"Imagine wearing the same socks for 12 hours if your feet were bleeding... that would be gross, right? But! the thing is, imagine you can't see the socks (as if you had boots on or something), so one can apparently forget all about them, pass out and die." -- cockeyed.com, explaining toxic shock.

I'm kind of speechless after that.

Lovely post: I had a feeling it was coming, and that it was coming from you, madam!
posted by RJ Reynolds at 8:04 AM on March 30, 2003

Gosh, that stuff sure makes me HOT
posted by Postroad at 8:15 AM on March 30, 2003

Your Doberman puppy is going to require regular ear tapings for quite some time.

I've finally figured out why dobermanns have this reputation of being pissed-off, somewhat dangerous gogs
posted by matteo at 8:15 AM on March 30, 2003

What do you call a Doberman with a tampon stuck in each ear?

Anything you like, he can't hear you.

Boom boom!
posted by asok at 8:16 AM on March 30, 2003

And while we're talking about tampons we have to bring up The Keeper.

What is the Keeper? "It is a natural gum rubber cup that is worn internally, holding (instead of absorbing) monthly menstrual flow. It can be worn up to 12 hours, and even overnight. "

The idea, for those still reading, is reusability, and to reduce the chance of toxic shock syndrome.
posted by ?! at 8:25 AM on March 30, 2003

postroad: "Gosh, that stuff sure makes me HOT".

A solution to your problem.
posted by ?! at 8:26 AM on March 30, 2003

Hrm, how strange that one of the Google ads I see is 'No blood for oil' ... !
posted by plep at 8:27 AM on March 30, 2003

Great post MJJJ. Am I the only one who thinks that vibrating tampon thing is not something I'd willingly wear internally?
posted by jessamyn at 8:41 AM on March 30, 2003

Another venerable tampon artist: Cosey Fanni Tutti. The front pages are SFW but some inside pages not.
posted by carter at 8:41 AM on March 30, 2003

jessamyn- I'd have to agree with you there, it is a product that seems very wrong on a very many levels. Whatever happened to Midol and a heating pad?

Thank you Madam for many giggles!
posted by nelleish at 8:52 AM on March 30, 2003

This might be getting *a bit intimate more information than I needed* for some, but can anyone back up this claim?

'According to Ayurvedic medicine, a woman who has a pre-dominance of Pitta (the fire element) is more likely to tend towards a heavier menstrual flow. These women often have blonde or red, but also brown, hair, a ruddy complexion, and often have freckles, moles, or petichiae (red, broken blood vessels). They tend to be warm-blooded and sometimes hot-tempered.'
Warm-blooded women who might have blonde, red or brown hair and freckles or moles, that sure rounds it down. / sarcasm

Bert says: 'Make sure you don't leave it in for too long, because you'll get toxic shock syndrome and die. HAHAHAHAHAHA!'
More tampon humour:
The Young One's:
'You've bought me a present. [Brings out an applicator tampon] What is it? What do you do with it? No, don't tell me, don't tell me. I'll guess. [Opens it] It's a telescope - a telescope with a mouse in it - brilliant! Bouncy bouncy bouncy bounce! Hello Rhiannon. Are you glad you could come to the party? Here, have a drink, mousy. Bouncy bouncy bounce! [Dips it in Rhiannon's drink] Oh, it's gone all big. I'll get a tissue, it's all right. Oh, you've got a whole box of them in here! They're called... [Look of realisation and horror] I think I'd better go to the lavatory. [Rick rushes off upstairs.]'
Not The Nine O'Clock News:
'It was a mock ad for the Super Absorbo Tampon, where we saw Pamela dreamily taking the Tampons out of her dressing table and going outside in a white swimsuit - because with Super Absorbo you could do whatever you wanted - and dived into a swimming pool whereupon there's this SSHHHLURRRP!! And there she was, like a beached sardine, at the bottom of an empty pool.'
Can't find any online reference to the 'man-pads' sketch on Big Train, so I'll spoil it for everybody. Not strictly a tampon sketch anyway. Straight tampon add parody for male pant-pads that allow you to do anything you might want to with confidence, like jumping up and down in the crowd at a sports game, roller-blading etc. 'Because they suck in air'.
posted by asok at 9:01 AM on March 30, 2003

And how many of the boys on here, scrolled right past this post?

Thanks Madamjujujive, wonderful post
posted by SuzySmith at 9:02 AM on March 30, 2003

oh, i wouldn't have missed this thread, but i'm rather let down after reading it. i thought girlzone posts would have lots of baby-doll jammies and pillow fights, and, ya know, sapphic stuff...
posted by quonsar at 9:13 AM on March 30, 2003

I wish those Bert photos were real. Then I'd know for sure he was gay.

and, as always madamjujujive [this is good].
posted by WolfDaddy at 9:16 AM on March 30, 2003

dobermans are such attractive dogs 'til the idiot breeders cut their tails and ears, making them look somewhat satanic. sometimes i wonder why people need to mess with what's already perfect in nature, and then upon viewing pictures of said breeders i get all judgmental and think "well maybe if my gene pool was that murky i'd feel like playing mad scientist with some defenseless creature too"

Only after the photos and careful measurements did Ambur point out that the damn box shows how much each tampon can hold.

LOL! those kooky kids.
posted by t r a c y at 9:21 AM on March 30, 2003

Interesting aside:

My cousin as a toddler got two of my aunt's maxi-pads out of the cabinet used the adhesive to stick them to his feet, grabbed two sticks and went into the bedroom, and said "Look Mommy, Im skiing!!"

He recently got engaged. Maybe I'll tell that story at the wedding.
posted by jonmc at 9:29 AM on March 30, 2003

I think there was a previous post somewhere around here giving instructions on how to make a homemade tampon out of a paper towel and some string. Yes, I am too lazy to look for it, but it looks like it would work well in a pinch.

So, I wonder-Bounty or Scott?
posted by konolia at 9:51 AM on March 30, 2003

i just couldn't help but be amused when i spied this at the bottom of a metatalk thread...
posted by quonsar at 10:02 AM on March 30, 2003

That's funny. I'm totally Pitta, yet I've always been very lucky, flow-wise.

HA! Girlzone in effect, yo.
posted by padraigin at 10:11 AM on March 30, 2003

jessamyn, when I first heard about those "vipons" I though they had to be a joke. My second thought was that it sounded like something invented by a guy. I can't imagine how they could sell except as a joke.

jonmc, your story reminds me of one jay leno tells about being a kid with guests over for dinner. His Mom sent him to the store where he told the clerk "it's an emergency - my mom needs napkins quick." Hilarity ensued.

We had five girls in my family. Growing up I remember my dad always walking home with enormous cartons of sanitary pads under his arm because we were all too embarrassed as teens to buy them ourselves. The neighbors must have been amused. (thanks for that & much more, Daddy!)

A few more related finds: some great ads for *feminine hygiene* from the 20s to the 50s and Jose the Magic Tampon

Thanks to Kristen, ?!, oh posey, carter and asok for adding some links. And to all for the comments & humor - toxic shock & awe, lol, filmgoerjuan! Oh, and quonsar, the sapphic stuff and the menopause will be along another time perhaps!
posted by madamjujujive at 10:27 AM on March 30, 2003

: giggling madly : Uh, okay, the Pitta fire element thing? Totally applies here. And that's all you need to know about that...

When my husband was a lad, he found an econo-box of tampons in the bathroom. He and his friends promptly decided they were "dynamite" -- round tubes with a string at the end, looked like dynamite to them -- and ran up and down their block throwing the "dynamite" at each other. Apparantly, their entire block was littered with tampons...!
posted by metrocake at 10:51 AM on March 30, 2003

The roll your own tampons discussion seems to be throwing a CF error, which is a cryin' shame because some of the fellers reactions were priceless.

Vipons. Considering I've always found sex to be great for getting rid of cramps (or maybe just diverting my attention from them) but am currently dating the Energizer Bunny, I was greatly disappointed to find that free samples are currently unavailable. Dammit.

As always, excellent post madamjujujive.
posted by romakimmy at 11:05 AM on March 30, 2003

Jose the magic tampon
posted by tippiedog at 11:42 AM on March 30, 2003

More dogs and tampons: our dog Tippie really likes used tampons, among other disgusting comestibles. Occasionally we find the bathroom trash tipped over and her running around with a string hanging out of her mouth. Mmmm...
posted by tippiedog at 11:45 AM on March 30, 2003

"Gosh, that stuff sure makes me HOT"

I hate to admit it, but I was taken to a topless club for a bachelor party once. one of the "dancers" dancing in front of him had a string hanging out of her undies. Ok, thats not that shocking, but after we pointed it out to her she kind of giggled, tucked it into her panty and continued to try to look sexy for him. facts of life are'nt too sexy.
posted by tomplus2 at 12:10 PM on March 30, 2003

at the risk of sounding too lefty, you girls should check this out
posted by katy_ at 12:22 PM on March 30, 2003

facts of life aren't too sexy

neither is bleeding down the insides of your legs when you have to go to work. On the other hand, larger breasts can be sexy, so over all it was likely a trade-off.
posted by jessamyn at 1:28 PM on March 30, 2003

I can't believe no one has mentioned VINNIE'S TAMPON CASE!!

"Finally, a menstruation product that announces itself with authority! No more euphemisms. No more keeping a tampon in an old sock. Use VINNIE'S TAMPON CASE and be proud of your period!"

I went out with a girl who had one of these and she was quite proud of it.
posted by wfrgms at 3:11 PM on March 30, 2003

jonmc: It is your god-given right... nay, duty... to tell that story.
posted by Monk at 3:14 PM on March 30, 2003

Er, that link was supposed to point here.
posted by Monk at 3:15 PM on March 30, 2003

Mmmm, I can't help but feel that the vibrating tampon might possibly be, how shall I say it, intended for other uses than might at first appear... "Honey? Are you okay? You've been so distracted since you started using the vibrating tampons!"

Girlfilter in the house!
posted by jokeefe at 3:29 PM on March 30, 2003

When I was really little, and had no idea what tampons were used for, I used to pop the cotton out of them, throw it away and put the cardboard applicator halves on my barbie's arms and legs, and play "Skiing Accident Barbie."

Even at 4 I was all about the apres-ski action.
posted by kristin at 4:10 PM on March 30, 2003

I hate to admit it, but I was taken to a topless club for a bachelor party once.

Heavens to betsy, you must live on the edge you heathen!
posted by jonmc at 4:10 PM on March 30, 2003

Excellent Post, excellent thread. MadameJJJ, I salute you.
posted by theora55 at 5:14 PM on March 30, 2003

HA! Girlzone in effect, yo.

I object to this ghettoisation of the female Mefi population. BTW can anyone tell me what this applicator nonsense is all about? What's wrong with the finger?
posted by Summer at 1:37 AM on March 31, 2003

And check out Project Mouse http://tourniquet.rydia.net/mouse/main.html

Tampon influenced art!
posted by dreamling at 7:00 AM on March 31, 2003