Bear discovers fuckwit

September 14, 2003 10:23 AM

"If I get a chance, I'll do it again. I think a bear would make a good pet." In a story that shocked Ottawa, an apparently clueless Quebec woodsman kidnaps a black bear cub, dunking it under water and dragging it by its hind leg. Police and wildlife officers force him to surrender the bear, which is released 60 km from its mother. Charges are pending -- definitely for possessing illegal wildlife, definitely, possibly for animal cruelty.
posted by mcwetboy (21 comments total)

I kind of hope he gets mixed up and tries to snatch a Grizzly cub from its mother next time...oh pleasepleaseplease...
posted by biscotti at 10:28 AM on September 14, 2003

Even if a bear would make a good pet, I doubt *anything*, even a domesticated feline, would become a good pet after that.

What a dumbass.
posted by shepd at 10:32 AM on September 14, 2003

[oopsie -- delete second "definitely" in last sentence]
posted by mcwetboy at 10:36 AM on September 14, 2003

"I was never mean to the bear. There was a couple of times I wanted to hit him over the head with a pipe or something but I didn't do that," Mr. Ryan said.

he might have kidnapped a child from it's mother and then dunked the cub in the water multiple times and then forcefully hogtied the cub to his jet-ski and then wrestled him back to the jet-ski to get a cuddly photo-op, but at least mr. ryan didn't whack the cub over the head with a pipe even though he really wanted to. wow, what a nice guy.
posted by poopy at 11:02 AM on September 14, 2003

I always thouht there was a great market out there for house bears. You know -- like a dog, only bigger. I think it would appeal to the crowd that drives Hummers...
posted by ph00dz at 11:09 AM on September 14, 2003

I kind of hope he gets mixed up and tries to snatch a Grizzly cub from its mother next time

Surely he'd have enough sense to put on his Mark IX Grizzly Suit before he did anything like that, so he'd be utterly and completely safe, even if Momma Grizzly hits him with two by fours, or drives a pickup into him.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:11 AM on September 14, 2003

I think Mr. Ryan is likely mentally disturbed. The entire story reads so surreal that I can't imagine he's even remotely sane.
posted by five fresh fish at 12:34 PM on September 14, 2003

He's not disturbed, he's differently sane.
posted by substrate at 12:40 PM on September 14, 2003

Oh great. They released the cub out into the wild as an orphan. Ryan's not the only stupid one. Since even if they could find his mother, chances are she'd either kill the cub outright or just abandon it because he now smells like humans. So the cub's probably dead by now. Either by the elements, or a predator, or he'll die soon of starvation.

"They left plenty of food and water nearby and tagged the bear."

Great. Now the cub thinks it can get fed by humans, but it also knows pain at the hands of one, so filled with these confusing visual images of its childhood, next chance it gets the bear will walk up to a human child holding a tuna sandwich and knock her head off.

Wonderful. Once again we humans prove ourselves far dumber than the average bear.
posted by ZachsMind at 12:49 PM on September 14, 2003

Sounds like he's confusing real bears with teddy bears. I guess he didn't learn that real bears are not so cute and cuddly from the biting and scratching the cub attempted.
posted by Soliloquy at 12:51 PM on September 14, 2003

Somebody's been sniffing paint fumes and downing too much Molson.
posted by PrinceValium at 1:07 PM on September 14, 2003

...chances are she'd either kill the cub outright or just abandon it because he now smells like humans...

i thought this was just a myth but now i'm not sure. anyone have reliable info?
posted by poopy at 1:14 PM on September 14, 2003

...chances are she'd either kill the cub outright or just abandon it because he now smells like humans...

To the best of my knowledge, this isn't exactly the case. the real problem is imprinting. the people who left the bear with food may have actually done more damage than psycho backwoods deliverance guy. Once a bear knows it can get food from people it can become a nuisance and a danger. As far as I know the mother bear would be more than happy to have the cub returned to her.

BTW, I concur, I really want to see Jethro P. Backwoods try and get a cub while the mother bear is close by. I hope some one captures that kodak moment.

/just got back from volunteering at the local zoo
posted by evilcupcakes at 1:28 PM on September 14, 2003

.
posted by boredomjockey at 1:57 PM on September 14, 2003

this is what watching too many grizzly adams reruns does to a man.
posted by quonsar at 7:21 PM on September 14, 2003

He's not disturbed, he's differently sane.

Or possibly just dumber than dogshit. There's a lot of that going around.
posted by stavrosthewonderchicken at 7:52 PM on September 14, 2003

I don't think I'd worry too much about imprinting. If the cub thinks that's what he's got to go through to get a bowl of chow, he'd likely decide it's not worth it.

And yeah, it's a myth that his mother would kill him because he smells like humans. If they could be reunited, she would recognize him and care for him just as before.
posted by stefanie at 8:27 PM on September 14, 2003

If they could be reunited, she would recognize him and care for him just as before.

Yes, but since the cub has been fed by humans for a while and left by humans in the wild with food he's more likely to seek out human benefactors than to go back to the area where his mom supposedly is.
posted by clevershark at 8:48 PM on September 14, 2003

I find it remarkable the amount of insightful bear knowledge being displayed. Some of you must have made quite a study of them during your university years!
posted by five fresh fish at 9:51 PM on September 14, 2003

fff: I had a college roommate who would qualify as a bear, although he wasn't black like the one in the story.
posted by mikeh at 10:41 AM on September 15, 2003

shudder Er, thanks for sharing, mikeh.
posted by five fresh fish at 3:59 PM on September 15, 2003