The Decline of the Hand Job
March 12, 2004 2:18 PM Subscribe
I have asked around. Greeks, athletes, gays, the smelly girl in my philosophy class -- no one gives hand jobs.
I'm talking about the disappearance of second base. We can't play baseball without second base!
Hand jobs are second base?!?!?!
Damn, I shouldn't have bunted.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 2:26 PM on March 12, 2004
I'm talking about the disappearance of second base. We can't play baseball without second base!
Hand jobs are second base?!?!?!
Damn, I shouldn't have bunted.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 2:26 PM on March 12, 2004
"Dolphin" is a new euphemism for me.
posted by blueshammer at 2:42 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by blueshammer at 2:42 PM on March 12, 2004
How exactly does one broach the subject of giving manual pleasure to another person in normal, every day discourse? I mean, it would never occur to me to lean over to someone in, say, my comparative literature lecture and say, "Hey, do you jerk off your boyfriend?"
Then again, I guess if you're writing an article about it for your university's newspaper, you have probably moved beyond that boundary. It's probably just me.
posted by mmcg at 2:43 PM on March 12, 2004
Then again, I guess if you're writing an article about it for your university's newspaper, you have probably moved beyond that boundary. It's probably just me.
posted by mmcg at 2:43 PM on March 12, 2004
As a guy gettin' on in years, I can state with certainty that I never got a hand job in high school, and damn few since. And for the record, I enjoy them immensely. Of course, I enjoy pretty much anything sexual immensely any more.
However, this rather interesting tidbit of an essay left a few questions for me. It seems to blame a guy's eagerness (for the most part) for the sad demise of genital manipulation. Are woman really that concerned with what guys want that if their partners go charging straight for the clitoris, it's "oh well, he just wants a poke?" I mean really, woman appear to appreciate (if not down right demand) good finger and mouth work. Have we (the males of the species) really convinced them that if we ain't humpin', we ain't havin' fun?
If we are facing the apocalypse of good handy work, then I must profess ... I am sad, very sad indeed.
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:44 PM on March 12, 2004
However, this rather interesting tidbit of an essay left a few questions for me. It seems to blame a guy's eagerness (for the most part) for the sad demise of genital manipulation. Are woman really that concerned with what guys want that if their partners go charging straight for the clitoris, it's "oh well, he just wants a poke?" I mean really, woman appear to appreciate (if not down right demand) good finger and mouth work. Have we (the males of the species) really convinced them that if we ain't humpin', we ain't havin' fun?
If we are facing the apocalypse of good handy work, then I must profess ... I am sad, very sad indeed.
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:44 PM on March 12, 2004
By the way, standard disclaimers must be given:
This is Newsfilter, it's not the best of the web, it's an Op-ed, the community is ruint, it's beneath MetaFilter's high asthetic standards, we must think of Matt and the children, and so forth ...
(Thanks Chef, this was a hella fun read!!!)
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:47 PM on March 12, 2004
This is Newsfilter, it's not the best of the web, it's an Op-ed, the community is ruint, it's beneath MetaFilter's high asthetic standards, we must think of Matt and the children, and so forth ...
(Thanks Chef, this was a hella fun read!!!)
posted by Wulfgar! at 2:47 PM on March 12, 2004
You'll have to excuse the writers, she's just trying to, er, shake things up a bit.
Much better than the school paper articles I used to see at my time in University. Anyone who was a student at Concordia U in Montreal in the early 90s was treated every week to unnecessarily graphic gay sex questions courtesy of The Link. The one I found most amusing was "My boyfriend likes to use my dildo. Is that dangerous?"
posted by clevershark at 2:52 PM on March 12, 2004
Much better than the school paper articles I used to see at my time in University. Anyone who was a student at Concordia U in Montreal in the early 90s was treated every week to unnecessarily graphic gay sex questions courtesy of The Link. The one I found most amusing was "My boyfriend likes to use my dildo. Is that dangerous?"
posted by clevershark at 2:52 PM on March 12, 2004
hmm, according to A Standardized Guide To The Bases, second base constitutes, "Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or outside the clothes genital contact." methinks someone sold these girls a whopper, and I'm willing to bet it was a drunk guy with an IROC.
posted by mcsweetie at 2:54 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by mcsweetie at 2:54 PM on March 12, 2004
Nothing quite makes you feel like a loser like discovering the thing you to which you aspire has already become passe.
I do, though, really like the way my title bar says "The Decline of the Hand Job Metafilter".
posted by 4easypayments at 2:54 PM on March 12, 2004
I do, though, really like the way my title bar says "The Decline of the Hand Job Metafilter".
posted by 4easypayments at 2:54 PM on March 12, 2004
i agree with Wulfar mostly (though i got my best hand jobs in high school). i'm a big fan, but ...
Another reason why guys don't get off from hand jobs is most girls don't know how to give them properly.
ding, ding! the problem isn't that guys don't want handjobs. it's that most women aren't very good. another person will never be as good as you are yourself.
there are some women who know how to give good handjobs, but not many. and don't even get me started on footjobs ...
oh, and i would definitely call handjobs (or anything that involves ejaculate) third base. i though second base was petting. heavy petting and stroking = third.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:55 PM on March 12, 2004
Another reason why guys don't get off from hand jobs is most girls don't know how to give them properly.
ding, ding! the problem isn't that guys don't want handjobs. it's that most women aren't very good. another person will never be as good as you are yourself.
there are some women who know how to give good handjobs, but not many. and don't even get me started on footjobs ...
oh, and i would definitely call handjobs (or anything that involves ejaculate) third base. i though second base was petting. heavy petting and stroking = third.
posted by mrgrimm at 2:55 PM on March 12, 2004
There is a saying we had at MIT, that anything a man copuld do and a machine could do, the machine could do it better. As for handjobs, stay with blowjobs...for that you need another person. With the handjob, you can do it by yourself and cut out the middle man(or woman) unless you are trying to shoot, so to speak, for full employment.
posted by Postroad at 3:05 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Postroad at 3:05 PM on March 12, 2004
Metafilter: The Sad Demise of Genital Manipulation
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:07 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Joey Michaels at 3:07 PM on March 12, 2004
another person will never be as good as you are yourself.
Not so! (I couldn't let this go by.) That's like saying "Well, hell, I can massage my own neck."
Also, the author doesn't seem to mention the religious angle. It seems pretty common these days (and by these days I mean at least as early as the early 90s) for people with religious objections to "sex" to engage in these other behaviors ("jobs.") For all of it's faults, religion inspires sexual creativity. Religion makes handjobs better the way the restrictions of a sonnet made Shakespeare and Marlowe better.
posted by callmejay at 3:08 PM on March 12, 2004
Not so! (I couldn't let this go by.) That's like saying "Well, hell, I can massage my own neck."
Also, the author doesn't seem to mention the religious angle. It seems pretty common these days (and by these days I mean at least as early as the early 90s) for people with religious objections to "sex" to engage in these other behaviors ("jobs.") For all of it's faults, religion inspires sexual creativity. Religion makes handjobs better the way the restrictions of a sonnet made Shakespeare and Marlowe better.
posted by callmejay at 3:08 PM on March 12, 2004
The hand job isn't gone, its just been outsourced................to the guy.
posted by fenriq at 3:09 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by fenriq at 3:09 PM on March 12, 2004
A gentle suggestion for any trawling ideas from this (male or female):
Lubricant is your friend, and definately your partner's. Just tryin' to help.
on preview, Postroad, I think you're very wrong here. Half the tactile sensation of masturbation (male or female, and probably more than half) is in the hand doing the deed ... so to speak. The joys of a handjob are concentration of sensation, relaxation of effort, and the exciting appeal of another sharing with your ... employment. I believe, though I might be mistaken, that that is the general appeal of oral and digital stimuli for women, so why should it be so different for men? In my opinion, it's not.
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:12 PM on March 12, 2004
Lubricant is your friend, and definately your partner's. Just tryin' to help.
on preview, Postroad, I think you're very wrong here. Half the tactile sensation of masturbation (male or female, and probably more than half) is in the hand doing the deed ... so to speak. The joys of a handjob are concentration of sensation, relaxation of effort, and the exciting appeal of another sharing with your ... employment. I believe, though I might be mistaken, that that is the general appeal of oral and digital stimuli for women, so why should it be so different for men? In my opinion, it's not.
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:12 PM on March 12, 2004
Me thinks that female columnists writing for college papers have been watching a bit too much Sex and the City these days trying too hard to be a Carrie Bradshaw. How else to explain this and other columns on blowjobs and The Michigan Hookup.
posted by gyc at 3:12 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by gyc at 3:12 PM on March 12, 2004
I'm having a hard time believing that on this fine Friday afternoon, I'm having this conversation with you people. You're sick, sick I tell you! Sick Sick Sick!!!
Damn this is really kinda fun!
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:14 PM on March 12, 2004
Damn this is really kinda fun!
posted by Wulfgar! at 3:14 PM on March 12, 2004
I definitely want a t-shirt made with the slogan "Religion makes handjobs better."
posted by Skot at 3:17 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Skot at 3:17 PM on March 12, 2004
Max Fischer: What do you call getting a handjob from Mrs. Calloway in the back of her Jaguar?
Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.
Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.
posted by rocketman at 3:20 PM on March 12, 2004
Magnus Buchan: A fucking lie.
Max Fischer: You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob. And you know what else? It was worth it.
posted by rocketman at 3:20 PM on March 12, 2004
You've got to admit the "appalled, simply appalled" responses are kinda fun. In a feeding-the-trolls kinda way. I'm still surprised when I realize how many people think sex is inherently dirty.
I could at least understand if she was advocating giving hand-jobs for money, or to dead people or something. But fools are actually appalled because she admits their existence. And bemoans the fact that people feel obliged to go further.
posted by freebird at 3:21 PM on March 12, 2004
I could at least understand if she was advocating giving hand-jobs for money, or to dead people or something. But fools are actually appalled because she admits their existence. And bemoans the fact that people feel obliged to go further.
posted by freebird at 3:21 PM on March 12, 2004
From the article linked in the FPP:
Don't feel insecure about your inability to flog his dolphin. In a relationship, only a minority of guys enjoy this female's favorite pastime.
Am I reading this right? In general, girls enjoy a man's orgasm more than a man enjoys it? Wow, never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was a girl with a cock in my hand - what a trip!
I'm way behind the times. Somebody please inform me in direct language.
posted by SpaceCadet at 3:28 PM on March 12, 2004
Don't feel insecure about your inability to flog his dolphin. In a relationship, only a minority of guys enjoy this female's favorite pastime.
Am I reading this right? In general, girls enjoy a man's orgasm more than a man enjoys it? Wow, never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was a girl with a cock in my hand - what a trip!
I'm way behind the times. Somebody please inform me in direct language.
posted by SpaceCadet at 3:28 PM on March 12, 2004
Er...SpaceCadet I think you are interpreting that sentence wrong. I read that to mean that women enjoy the act more then the men. Men in a relationship prefer fellatio or intercourse, but a hand job can be a lot easier on the woman. I'm picturing the rubber glove scene from Animal House...no muss, no fuss, no undressing, no aching jaw. It's the easy way out.
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:11 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Secret Life of Gravy at 5:11 PM on March 12, 2004
I mean, it would never occur to me to lean over to someone in, say, my comparative literature lecture and say, "Hey, do you jerk off your boyfriend?"
Prude.
posted by bdk3clash at 7:18 PM on March 12, 2004
Prude.
posted by bdk3clash at 7:18 PM on March 12, 2004
Not to be chauvinist, but I've got hands already, hand jobs are not a level 1 priority.
posted by Hildago at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Hildago at 7:53 PM on March 12, 2004
Not trying to be an ass, or anything, but I really was hoping that more female type persons would comment here in this thread ... (sigh!).
posted by Wulfgar! at 8:05 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Wulfgar! at 8:05 PM on March 12, 2004
...stay with blowjobs...for that you need another person.
Speak for yourself, Postroad.
posted by anathema at 9:12 PM on March 12, 2004
Speak for yourself, Postroad.
posted by anathema at 9:12 PM on March 12, 2004
Gravy and Spacecadet, I think you are both misinterpreting. By "this female's favorite pastime," I believe the columnist is talking specifically about HER favorite pastime and that she laments more women do not share it. And that generally speaking the men prefer something they can't do for themselves.
posted by Slagman at 10:11 PM on March 12, 2004
posted by Slagman at 10:11 PM on March 12, 2004
But, some college guys can't get off from a hand job.
*waves bullshit flag*
With the handjob, you can do it by yourself and cut out the middle man(or woman) unless you are trying to shoot, so to speak, for full employment.
You know the common phrase that goes something like "Food tastes better when someone else cooks it"....
posted by Ufez Jones at 12:23 AM on March 13, 2004
*waves bullshit flag*
With the handjob, you can do it by yourself and cut out the middle man(or woman) unless you are trying to shoot, so to speak, for full employment.
You know the common phrase that goes something like "Food tastes better when someone else cooks it"....
posted by Ufez Jones at 12:23 AM on March 13, 2004
Er...SpaceCadet I think you are interpreting that sentence wrong. I read that to mean that women enjoy the act more then the men. Men in a relationship prefer fellatio or intercourse, but a hand job can be a lot easier on the woman. I'm picturing the rubber glove scene from Animal House...no muss, no fuss, no undressing, no aching jaw. It's the easy way out.
OK, but it hardly makes it a "favorite pastime" as she describes it - I think we can say "favorite pastime" is hyperbole for "least yucky sexual act".
posted by SpaceCadet at 2:01 AM on March 13, 2004
OK, but it hardly makes it a "favorite pastime" as she describes it - I think we can say "favorite pastime" is hyperbole for "least yucky sexual act".
posted by SpaceCadet at 2:01 AM on March 13, 2004
Am I reading this right? In general, girls enjoy a man's orgasm more than a man enjoys it? Wow, never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was a girl with a cock in my hand - what a trip!
Well, some chicks get their rocks off by getting a guy's rocks off...
As for "favorite pastime", I cannot speak for the entire female population. But the good ol' high school handjob was a good way to explore the previously uncharted territory of the male genitalia without crossing the barrier into "slutty whore" territory. It was also a favorite of the resident Bible thumpers in my school, as it was termed "manual manipulation" in sex ed and thus escaped the stigma of sex and it's oral and anal variants.
erm, i hope that makes sense? I haven't had any cafeine yet today...
posted by romakimmy at 4:10 AM on March 13, 2004 [1 favorite]
Well, some chicks get their rocks off by getting a guy's rocks off...
As for "favorite pastime", I cannot speak for the entire female population. But the good ol' high school handjob was a good way to explore the previously uncharted territory of the male genitalia without crossing the barrier into "slutty whore" territory. It was also a favorite of the resident Bible thumpers in my school, as it was termed "manual manipulation" in sex ed and thus escaped the stigma of sex and it's oral and anal variants.
erm, i hope that makes sense? I haven't had any cafeine yet today...
posted by romakimmy at 4:10 AM on March 13, 2004 [1 favorite]
ding, ding! the problem isn't that guys don't want handjobs. it's that most women aren't very good. another person will never be as good as you are yourself.
You just need to be a better coach. The key to improvement is practice, practice, practice!
posted by moonbiter at 6:21 AM on March 13, 2004
You just need to be a better coach. The key to improvement is practice, practice, practice!
posted by moonbiter at 6:21 AM on March 13, 2004
I have never actually recieved a handjob all the way to fruition. I got started late in the whole sexual demolition derby, and by that point the females were more experienced. I went straight from my first makeout session to a blow job in the same night. This may account for a lot of ho warped I am.
posted by jonmc at 7:30 AM on March 13, 2004
posted by jonmc at 7:30 AM on March 13, 2004
another person will never be as good as you are yourself
Keep telling your girlfriend that.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:06 AM on March 13, 2004
Keep telling your girlfriend that.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 9:06 AM on March 13, 2004
This may account for a lot of ho warped I am.
Paging Dr. Freud...Dr. Freud to the MeFi thread.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 9:37 AM on March 13, 2004
Paging Dr. Freud...Dr. Freud to the MeFi thread.
posted by filmgoerjuan at 9:37 AM on March 13, 2004
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Man...I hung around the wrong girls then.
posted by Stynxno at 2:25 PM on March 12, 2004