1001 Things To Hate About The Convention

September 1, 2004 7:12 AM

1001 Things To Hate About The Convention. Funny, and exhaustive, stuff from New York Press.
posted by fungible (28 comments total)

"935. White House advisor Matthew Dowd says for Bush not to mention 9/11 "would be like Roosevelt not talking about Pearl Harbor."

934. In fact, Roosevelt didn’t mention Pearl Harbor at the 1944 Democratic convention."

Gold.
posted by Space Coyote at 7:22 AM on September 1, 2004

Yeah I was chuckling at that one myself..
posted by PenDevil at 7:33 AM on September 1, 2004

"1001. City’s collective IQ drops eight points, temporarily tying us with Seattle."

Damn!
posted by kokogiak at 7:43 AM on September 1, 2004

Great stuff! Thanks fungible!

OK, my favorite so far:

Chinese Communist Party will think this is "what Democracy looks like," setting democratic reforms back 50 years.
posted by nofundy at 7:48 AM on September 1, 2004

I had to stop at 914 to take a break from laughing.
posted by darren at 8:02 AM on September 1, 2004

Coffee Sprayer:694. Dennis Kucinich puts on makeup and a pearl choker, goes on The O’Reilly Factor disguised as Mary Matalin.
posted by jonmc at 8:02 AM on September 1, 2004

623. The Port Authority’s "anti-terror truck," designed to "detect weapons of mass destruction" was proudly declared the "only one of its kind."

622. NY1 profiled the truck: "Everything in the vehicle is a normal police suburban, but once they put all the radiation equipment in it, they hardwire it into the normal police siren," said Port Authority Special Operations Officer Michael Warnock.

621. NY1 then ran clear footage of the truck, complete with shots of the "hard-wired" equipment. It’s number 53870; the license plate is 59800.

620. (By the way, guys, the Magical Fairy from the Super Duper Bad-People-Catching Squad in the Land of Imaginary Mechanical Band Aids called: He wants his expensive minivan back.)

I think I 'designed' one of those back in second grade.
posted by sciurus at 8:12 AM on September 1, 2004

I'd also like to say that if Ronnie Van Zant was still alive, there'd be no way that Skynyrd would be pro-Bush.
posted by jonmc at 8:29 AM on September 1, 2004

989. Republicans fail, for reasons that baffle even prominent Republican lawmakers, to release names of all the members of the platform committee.

What's that all about?
posted by jpoulos at 8:40 AM on September 1, 2004

the closely controlled process left sore feelings outside of the committee room, even from the conservatives who now dominate the party.

"Why can't we get a list of the platform committee members?" asked Phyllis Schlafly, founder of the Eagle Forum and a veteran conservative who led the efforts to revise the platform planks on immigration, stem cell research and other issues. "What is the big secret? They not only don't want them talking to me, they don't want them talking to each other."

"Why did drafting this political manifesto resemble the Manhattan Project developing the atomic bomb?" the conservative commentator Robert Novak asked in a column published yesterday. "The process fits the Bush White House's authoritarian aura that has tempered enthusiasm within the party on the eve of its national convention."

Ginny Wolfe, a spokeswoman for the committee, said the list of committee members was not disclosed for reasons of security and privacy. NYT
posted by CunningLinguist at 8:43 AM on September 1, 2004

15. The fact that nobody is looking at these security measures and saying, "Well, it looks like the terrorists won after all."
posted by fleener at 8:48 AM on September 1, 2004

I didn't like that very much. It seems a bit childish.
posted by ed\26h at 8:59 AM on September 1, 2004

25. Otherwise, elephants are great animals.

Thanks so much for the post.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 9:04 AM on September 1, 2004

It was good, but inevitably padded. Would've made a kickass "500 reasons."

I was surprised they didn't try for something more thematically relevant for reason #911.
posted by soyjoy at 9:15 AM on September 1, 2004

Just out of the gate, reason #1000 is truly a very entertaining statement.
posted by Peter H at 9:30 AM on September 1, 2004

127. Bill Clinton lurking somewhere uptown, having wide-eyed protester chicks washed and brought to his tent, two at a time.

126. And we envy the hell out of him for it.
posted by kgasmart at 9:43 AM on September 1, 2004

4. No better time than now, no better place than here to detonate that gigantic fucking nuclear bomb.

So true, so true.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:02 AM on September 1, 2004

I'm glad someone else said that. I'll just agree with it. Completely.

Someone obviously stayed up all night compiling this thing. It's the best thing I've seen in the NYP in months.
posted by chicobangs at 10:41 AM on September 1, 2004

984. Last-day riots between police and protesters just an elaborate ruse to allow Jeremy Irons to rob the Federal Reserve downtown.

Gold.
posted by solistrato at 10:59 AM on September 1, 2004

If you haven't seen it, a video of the Bush twins comedy routine is here. Between the rictus grins and bewildered audience reaction shots, it's got to be the most entertaining and agonizing six minutes of the convention.
posted by Armitage Shanks at 11:00 AM on September 1, 2004

1002: When the Presdent is reelected, the life support plug will finally be pulled on the Village Voice--good riddens!
posted by ParisParamus at 11:13 AM on September 1, 2004

This one kills me, for some reason:
834. New York’s Buddhists gently chuckling at how silly and un-centered everyone else is, spend week pretending not to understand what the fuss is.
posted by MrMoonPie at 11:18 AM on September 1, 2004

ot, but it's hysterical that for the 2nd day, protestors have gotten inside the convention floor. So much for the multi-million dollar security.
posted by amberglow at 12:09 PM on September 1, 2004

I'd also like to say that if Ronnie Van Zant was still alive, there'd be no way that Skynyrd would be pro-Bush.

So true, but also unsurprising that the New York Press would be blissfully unaware of that. I guess they don't listen to Drive-By Truckers.
posted by kjh at 12:26 PM on September 1, 2004

If you haven't seen it, a video of the Bush twins comedy routine is here.

Armitage...thanks for the link. That is the most awful 6-minutes i've spent in a long time. I like the quote "[Our parents] taught us the importance of having a good sense of humor." Dick Cheney's dirty-man grin from the balcony is priceless, as well.

Also of ironic note, the link from that MSNBC page is grammerically titled "Bush twins introduces parents."
posted by tpl1212 at 12:47 PM on September 1, 2004

811. Massive comeback for the Ghostbusters logo. [self link]
posted by condour75 at 1:17 PM on September 1, 2004

I loved the part in the twins' "comedy" routine where they talk about how their dad taught them the importance of responsibility.

(!)

I wish to note that unlike the twins and their father, all of my community service has been voluntary. Nor do I have an arrest record.
posted by Vidiot at 4:42 PM on September 1, 2004

I'd have to say "bushy" was real comedy gold.
I love LOVE LOVED the Bush daughter's act. My favorite part was the accidental fuckup, "we had a hamster do ... it didn't make it" I mean, ha, wtf?

Kerry = hamster survives!
Bush = DEATH

(other great line, "who is this dick cheney guy")

I swear, those girls did a terrible job! Bravo!

and then that amazing scene of Bush via satellite with the baseball game behind him - STAGED TO NOT SEE HIM ! - I swear, not since Bugsby Berkeley has america seen such theatre. I kept on hoping that one of the kids would accidentally foul ball into the camera but god did not come through on that.

question to mefi - are the bush twins discussed in any other threads? I'm hungry for conversation but am about a day late.

THANK YOU JENNA FOR THE SHITTY SPEECH!
posted by Peter H at 6:06 PM on September 1, 2004