Let the Eagle Soar

November 9, 2004 4:31 PM

Let the Eagle Soar [mp3] John Ashcroft has resigned as attorney general, saying "the objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved." He leaves behind a legacy of DOJ Accomplishments in the War on Terror (many of which seem to have been accomplished by non-DOJ parties) despite not actually convicting anyone of terrorism. I feel safer already.
posted by kirkaracha (72 comments total)

I hear his replacement is Mel Carnahan.
posted by PinkStainlessTail at 4:35 PM on November 9, 2004

I pray to god about two things:

1. The guy that replaces him isn't worse. It'd be nice if Bush made a concession to "reach across the aisle" here.

2. Oh god do I hope his name never comes up for the Supreme Court. A guy that doesn't like boobies, freedom, or black cats doesn't deserve a permanent place helping govern a free country.
posted by mathowie at 4:35 PM on November 9, 2004

Oh god do I hope his name never comes up for the Supreme Court.

Won't happen. He's an administrator, not a jurist. Much like Rudy Giuliani, who may be his replacement.
posted by PrinceValium at 4:37 PM on November 9, 2004

The guy who replaces him will be just as bad, but probably more charming/telegenic.

I'm happy at least it won't be Giuliani, i hear, who's up for Ridge's job.
posted by amberglow at 4:40 PM on November 9, 2004

in the sfgate article reporting this, Ashcroft is quoted as saying: "The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. mission accomplished. now i'm off to slather myself in crisco. " okay, maybe not those last two parts.
posted by gnutron at 4:40 PM on November 9, 2004

Mr. Bush, perhaps someone who has read the Constitution this time.

Please?
posted by fluffycreature at 4:41 PM on November 9, 2004

It's all musical chairs up there. Cabinet people are mostly politician figureheads. Look to the deputies for major policy initiatives. The evilness of Ashcroft wasn't what he did or didn't do as AG, but the ideology he represents.
posted by PrinceValium at 4:43 PM on November 9, 2004

Okay, maybe "has been achieved" is a bit optimistic, but certainly Americans are safer with this man gone.
posted by rushmc at 4:45 PM on November 9, 2004

Didn't some other bugger have something to do with a "Mission Accomplished" banner or something? I vaguely recollect it.

And we've lost how many soldiers since the mission was accomplished?

I'm amazed that Colin Powell hasn't gathered up the last shreds of his dignity and run like hell yet.
posted by fenriq at 4:45 PM on November 9, 2004

Perhaps he'll just slip out on the trail of slime that follows him wherever he goes.
posted by tommasz at 4:46 PM on November 9, 2004

metafilter: slips out on the trail of slime that follows it wherever it goes.
posted by protocool at 4:50 PM on November 9, 2004

Does anyone know where I can find the "Ashcroft Terror Re-Mix" to celebrate with? It was a quicktime movie where Ashcroft is giving a press conference, and two large televisions descend while he's talking, showing horrifying images to illustrate his speech.
posted by interrobang at 4:54 PM on November 9, 2004

I tell you three times, his replacement is Orrin Hatch.

If not, Hatch will be a nominee to SCOTUS.

FEAR UTAH.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 4:57 PM on November 9, 2004

For his replacement, can we please get someone that isn't afraid of bronze boobies?
posted by Tenuki at 4:58 PM on November 9, 2004

It'd be nice if Bush made a concession to "reach across the aisle" here.

yeah, there's a Democrat who's tanned, rested and ready to replace Ashcroft.

two words: Zell Miller
no, three, F. Zell Miller
posted by matteo at 5:02 PM on November 9, 2004

May God continue to bless, guide, and direct you and your family as you lead American forward in freedom.

Your family? I'd guess this is just a formal letter-writing construction, but I can't help thinking he's talking about Jeb in '08.

*returns to real estate section of Halifax Herald Limited*
posted by mmahaffie at 5:03 PM on November 9, 2004

can we please get someone that isn't afraid of bronze boobies?

MeFi self-link
posted by matteo at 5:04 PM on November 9, 2004

but I can't help thinking he's talking about Jeb in '08.

not to derail, but somebody seriously thinks Jebby won't run in '08? no matter what he says now, he'd be nuts not to. McCain will be too old and too much of a loose cannon, Giuliani too New York / too Italian / too divorced / too secular / too gay-friendly
plus, Jebby will carry Florida, and his kids -- "the little brown ones" as Grampa Georgie called them -- are half-hispanic, a real asset since the GOP is courting more and more Hispanics/Catholics

posted by matteo at 5:11 PM on November 9, 2004

My first thought was, "Thank you, Jesus." My second thought was, "Judge Roy Moore is available, isn't he?"
posted by planetkyoto at 5:14 PM on November 9, 2004

John Ashcroft / Roy Moore in '08!
posted by Gilbert at 5:16 PM on November 9, 2004

A guy that doesn't like boobies, freedom, or black cats

calico cats are OK
posted by Turtle at 5:17 PM on November 9, 2004

another mission accomplished.
posted by quonsar at 5:19 PM on November 9, 2004

And we've lost how many soldiers since the mission was accomplished?

At least 962 (the carrier landing was May 2, 2003, and I added the monthly totals from June 2003-November 2004). I don't think that includes the 14 people (at least) that we've lost since the Fallujah attack started.

I'm amazed that Colin Powell hasn't gathered up the last shreds of his dignity and run like hell yet.

Nope.

George W. Bush has won a mandate from the American people to continue pursuing his "aggressive" foreign policy, but the US will also reach out to the international community where it can, according to Colin Powell, the secretary of state.

And speaking of a "Bush mandate," the #1 Google search result is kinda funny.
posted by kirkaracha at 5:19 PM on November 9, 2004

> Does anyone know where I can find the "Ashcroft Terror Re-Mix" to celebrate with?

Partisan Jab: Ashcroft Fear Remix
posted by SteelyDuran at 5:21 PM on November 9, 2004

Thanks, SteelyDuran!
posted by interrobang at 5:25 PM on November 9, 2004

I'm hearing Hatch or Gonzalez for replacement. Former, expect major movements against online filetrading - as Hatch is second only to Hollings when it comes to being a shill for RIAA/MPAA/Disney interests. Latter, well - he wrote the "Torture is legally A-OK" memo, and I'm terrified to think that he's actually - in my opinion - the lesser evil.
posted by Ryvar at 5:30 PM on November 9, 2004

I D O N ' T L I K E T H E B U S H A D M I N I S T R A T I O N
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:31 PM on November 9, 2004

At least he worked to keep hardened criminals off the streets.
posted by Tenuki at 5:33 PM on November 9, 2004

I'm amazed that Colin Powell hasn't gathered up the last shreds of his dignity and run like hell yet.

Rumors of a Bush/Powell rapprochement have been running rampant. There might be a serious shift towards State Department interests in the second Bush administration. I would expect that, despite his public pronouncements, Bush is not very happy with Rumsfeld and the neocons in Defense. I've read more that one "regardless of the outcome of the election, the neocons are done in Washington" commentary in the past couple of months.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:41 PM on November 9, 2004

Mr. Bush, perhaps someone who has read the Constitution this time.

Please?

Sorry, it's been illegible for 4 years due to skid marks.
posted by substrate at 5:42 PM on November 9, 2004

All I'm afraid of is that the person who replaces Ashcroft will be more efficaceous. The PATRIOT Act is bad enough without having someone in the DOJ who is capable of using it as a scourge on the American public. After all, it's obviously not being used on terrorists.
posted by FormlessOne at 5:51 PM on November 9, 2004

It is better to associate with those who burn the flag and wrap themselves in the constitution, than with those who burn the constitution and wrap themselves in the flag.

It keeps hitting me.
posted by Pretty_Generic at 5:53 PM on November 9, 2004

I'm not breaking out the cognac until I see who Ashcroft's replacement is.
posted by orange swan at 6:49 PM on November 9, 2004

I'm going to be breaking out the cognac, and lots of it, every night for the next four years, I'm afraid. Or at least the rotgut whiskey.
posted by mr_roboto at 6:52 PM on November 9, 2004

Isn't Orrin Hatch a porno linker code stealer?
posted by madamjujujive at 6:56 PM on November 9, 2004

So long, crisco-boy. Don't let a terrorist hit you in the ass on your way out.
posted by soyjoy at 7:09 PM on November 9, 2004

From Slashdot:

Without Ashcroft around, who will there be to dilligently protect a woman's right to give birth? Or to protect a terminally-ill patient's right to keep living? Or an atheist student's right to participate in school-sponsored prayer? Or a muslim's right to be given a surprise trip to a tropical carribean island? Or even a pipe maker's right to have a long-term vacation to Huntsville?

Says it all, I figure.
posted by five fresh fish at 7:17 PM on November 9, 2004

What do you say we all send him calico cats every single day til he actually leaves DC?
posted by amberglow at 7:18 PM on November 9, 2004

Isn't it customary for ALL cabinet members to hand in their resignations when a president gets re-elected? Has Bush accepted his resignation?
posted by ChasFile at 7:29 PM on November 9, 2004

re: calico cats

NO. He will probably take the cats and do some bizzare ritual with them. I figure he secretly belongs to one of those snake-handling churches anyway, it just fits the guy all too well.
posted by bargle at 7:37 PM on November 9, 2004

My prediction is Ashcroft, Thompson, Powell will go, for different reasons. thompson has hinted in the past he doesn't want to be around once the new regulations for Social Security/Medicare go into effect as the regulations as so complex anyone running H&HS will go nuts. It has also been rumored that Powell has been seeking a way out for awhile wi/out appearing to discredit Bush... so bowing out between elections is possible. Everyone else? Who knows.
posted by edgeways at 7:46 PM on November 9, 2004

Ridge already said he wants out.

And i hear Condi's moving to a different post, but i have no clue what she can do--she certainly is an awful awful Nat'l Security Advisor.
posted by amberglow at 8:14 PM on November 9, 2004

"Oh god do I hope his name never comes up for the Supreme Court." - don't think of an elephant.

What's all this about God, anyway ?
posted by troutfishing at 8:41 PM on November 9, 2004

And - is bad music a form of terrorism ?
posted by troutfishing at 8:42 PM on November 9, 2004

Does this mean the War on Terror is over?
posted by jmccorm at 8:50 PM on November 9, 2004

Attorney General John Ashcroft files an appeal to block Oregon's voter-approved law.
posted by homunculus at 8:56 PM on November 9, 2004

"The objective of securing the safety of Americans from crime and terror has been achieved. mission accomplished."

Jeez, great timing, John. You couldn't have told everyone that a week or two ago, could you? Well, shit, now that Bush doesn't have to protect us from the scary terrorists any more, what good is he? We got totally gypped, and it's all his fault.
posted by majcher at 9:22 PM on November 9, 2004

matteo's psychic!

Nat'l Review horror story article: Zell Miller for Secy of State...
posted by amberglow at 9:27 PM on November 9, 2004

re: calico cats

NO. He will probably take the cats and do some bizzare ritual with them.

Nope, he'll just send them to Bill Frist. Good vivisectionists beget good vivisectionists, don'tcha know?


I figure he secretly belongs to one of those snake-handling churches anyway, it just fits the guy all too well.

secretly? He's a raving moonbat, an insane lunatic white-supremacist frothing-at-the-mouth speaking-in-tongues lizard of a human being with a flat, disaffected gaze like that of a congenitally brain-defective pig on meth. Creationists have embraced him, but for the wrong reason - turns out, he's a better argument against human evolution than any intelligent design bullshitters. I mean, you can see the man's gills when the light is right.
posted by trondant at 9:57 PM on November 9, 2004

Trondant, why don't you fuck off?
posted by quonsar at 10:01 PM on November 9, 2004

You fuck off, you addled hippie. We all know Ashcroft got you that job at Snakes-R-Us. Hell, he probably paid for the fish in your pants.
posted by trondant at 10:05 PM on November 9, 2004

Vous encrassez brouiller le monticule de l'extrait fétide de deux points de moutons, vous n'êtes pas digne pour renifler la merde des poissons dans mon pantalon!
posted by quonsar at 10:08 PM on November 9, 2004

is that what it is in q's pants? one of those anti-evolution fish? ewww

Metafilter: a raving moonbat, an insane lunatic white-supremacist frothing-at-the-mouth speaking-in-tongues lizard of a human being with a flat, disaffected gaze like that of a congenitally brain-defective pig on meth.
posted by amberglow at 10:11 PM on November 9, 2004

Un lézard blanc-supremacist fou aliéné de parler-dans-langues de mousser-à-le-bouche d'un être humain avec un appartement, disaffected le regard fixe comme cela d'un porc congénitalement cerveau-défectueux sur le methamphetamine.
posted by quonsar at 10:14 PM on November 9, 2004

If you don't read or speak the language, he didn't deny a goddamned bit of it. Typical Frenchman. What a fucking asshole.
posted by trondant at 10:18 PM on November 9, 2004

Abruti foutu!
posted by quonsar at 10:21 PM on November 9, 2004

have some corn
posted by trondant at 10:52 PM on November 9, 2004

Hey you guys, get a room already.
posted by jokeefe at 12:58 AM on November 10, 2004

... recovering my composure after watching the trondant-quonsar bout...

I hadn't thought about Hatch. Now I'm scared. He's a logical choice, for a reason that I haven't seen mentioned here: He appeases the Mormons.

Mormons have a funny relationship with the religious right. They tend to be pretty conservative, but the Mormon version of their own history is all about persecution. (Read carefully: I'm saying that's what the history is about, not necessarily what it is...) Violations of civil liberties have been used against Mormons a lot over the last century and a half or so. And since Mormonism is an abomination to a lot of fundamentalist christians, they've got every reason to be afraid of dominionists and other Protestant Supremacist types.

They could be a fly in the ointment -- Orrin Hatch in particular, as one of the few occasionally independent Republican voices in the Senate, could be a fly in the ointment -- of plans to strongly extend PATRIOT beyond terrorism. They don't want dissident voices coming from the "values block" (and whatever anyone thinks about them, I'll bet that most Americans put Mormons squarely in the values block). Or should I say, of plans to expand the definition of "terrorism" to include whatever the hell the Bushites want it to mean. Hatch is a good choice administratively, since he has some skills at bipartisanship that could be useful in that job; furthermore, it would serve the end of getting him the hell out of the Senate, where he might pose an occasional obstacle to Bill Frist's plans for total Republican hegemony.

I'm banking on Hatch.

As for Giuliani -- too logical. Remember what a stink was made the last time someone with actual experience as a prosecutor got nominated for that post? Heaven forbid they should nominate someone who might actually do a competent job at, you know, fighting crime.
posted by lodurr at 3:21 AM on November 10, 2004

> I hadn't thought about Hatch. Now I'm scared.

If you're thinking Utah, watch Michael McConnell, not Hatch.


trondant:

> He's a raving moonbat, an insane lunatic white-supremacist frothing-at-the-
> mouth speaking-in-tongues lizard of a human being with a flat, disaffected
> gaze like that of a congenitally brain-defective pig on meth. Creationists have
> embraced him, but for the wrong reason - turns out, he's a better argument
> against human evolution than any intelligent design bullshitters. I mean,
> you can see the man's gills when the light is right.

Wow, that's one for the collection box. Of course he's just venting and this too shall pass.
posted by jfuller at 4:52 AM on November 10, 2004

Though actually I see more mentions of McConnell for Chief Justice than for AG.
posted by jfuller at 4:55 AM on November 10, 2004

Of course he's just venting and this too shall pass.

Seems to me your second clause doesn't follow from your first.... As far as I can see, BTW, trondant's description isn't too far off. I think the description of his gaze is particularly accurate.
posted by lodurr at 5:55 AM on November 10, 2004

Time for someone to pull together a CJ-SCOTUS thread -- this guy McConnell sounds like too much to hope for from the Bushites.
posted by lodurr at 5:57 AM on November 10, 2004

And i hear Condi's moving to a different post, but i have no clue what she can do--she certainly is an awful awful Nat'l Security Advisor.
posted by amberglow at 10:14 PM CST on November 9

Wouldn't surprise me to see her in Rumsfeld's or Powell's job.
posted by infowar at 6:37 AM on November 10, 2004

Wouldn't surprise me to see her in Rumsfeld's or Powell's job

wouldn't suprprise me either. not to mention, she'd look great all clad in dominatrix gear, delivering freedom & justice at Abu Ghraib
posted by matteo at 6:45 AM on November 10, 2004

oh, I forgot: McConnell

rated 0% by NARAL, AFL-CIO, APHA, SANE

rated 100% by the Christian Coalition

rated 20% by NEA and ACLU

rated A by the NRA

oh, and he was against McCain-Feingold. and he wants to move the US embassy to Jerusalem
posted by matteo at 7:06 AM on November 10, 2004

oh, I forgot: McConnell

Wrong McConnell?
posted by gyc at 7:25 AM on November 10, 2004

no, my McConnell is better than his

(also, watch out for the McConnell in quonsar's pants)
posted by matteo at 7:44 AM on November 10, 2004

It's ("Torture? Geneva Convention? Huh?") Gonzales.
posted by amberglow at 9:11 AM on November 10, 2004

It's Gonzalez.


ugh.


Gonzales has been at the center of developing Bush's positions on balancing civil liberties with waging the war on terrorism — opening the White House counsel to the same line of criticism that has dogged Ashcroft.

For instance, Gonzales publicly defended the administration's policy — essentially repudiated by the Supreme Court and now being fought out in the lower courts — of detaining certain terrorism suspects for extended periods without access to lawyers or courts.

He also wrote a controversial February 2002 memo in which Bush claimed the right to waive anti-torture law and international treaties providing protections to prisoners of war. That position drew fire from human rights groups, which said it helped led to the type of abuses uncovered in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal.

Some conservatives also have quietly questioned Gonzales' credentials on core social issues. And he once was a partner in a Houston law firm which represented the scandal-ridden energy giant Enron.
posted by sic at 9:23 AM on November 10, 2004

Wow, a guy that's ok with torture, who used to work for Enron. I couldn't think of a more fitting Attorney General.
posted by euphorb at 10:12 AM on November 10, 2004

Ashcroft says judges threaten national security by questioning Bush decisions (his parting shot? and an acknowledgement he doesn't understand how the judiciary works at all?)
posted by amberglow at 12:17 PM on November 12, 2004