Every Party Should Have One

May 2, 2005 6:08 AM

The Ultimate Beer Bong. "The basic idea, simultaneously tap two beer sources being either a sankey Keg, or a 5-gallon party ball, push it with a replenishing air compressor to either a faucet, or up to a 4-gallon upper holding tank with four hoses leading off into four mouths racing to finish their hose." Something in the deep core of my hindbrain went all tingly when I saw this. They go on: "I have submitted this device as 'The largest Beer funnel in the world' to Guinness World Records, and is currently under review. I am also awaiting a call from the Idaho Alcohol Beverage Control to ascertain this device's legality."
posted by gsb (23 comments total)

I was at a party once with a real bong of similar absurdity, which used two five gallon water jugs, a large pump, and a car battery (!).

This tops that easily, I think. Wow.
posted by kableh at 6:28 AM on May 2, 2005

Could someone in the know explain the socially redeeming value of this? For us old farts, it is a mystery why one would not want to sip and enjoy beverage in the process of getting plowed. If the idea is to get instantly drunk, why not figure out how to mainline 180-proof rum, or something?
posted by beagle at 6:44 AM on May 2, 2005

I'm with Beagle on this one. If the goal is an ultimate alcohol rush, why not just use an IV? You could hook it in to your carotid or femoral artery and KA-ZAMM! -- you're dead. Wohoo!

Seriously. This is just a waste of time.
posted by mooncrow at 6:57 AM on May 2, 2005

There was a time I considered myself a beer gourmet *belch*, although I prefer the hard stuff these days. But even back then there was a big difference in my mind, which everyone here should be able to understand if not appreciate, between sippin' a good beer for the taste and shotgunning one or two Meister Braus for the rush (drive a ballpoint pen in the side of the can, quickly cover the hole with your mouth, then pop the top and guzzle). It's a fun rush and involves skill as well, even if it's also idiotic, sloppy and irresponsible in the wrong crowd.
posted by sninky-chan at 7:12 AM on May 2, 2005

Mmmmm.... shotgunning Meister Braus.....
*buurp*
posted by spilon at 7:15 AM on May 2, 2005

Maybe the point is that these guys had to stop drinking long enough to build this thing, and that kept them alive for a few more days.
posted by StickyCarpet at 7:33 AM on May 2, 2005

If you need an explanation for the beer bong then you are not the target demographic.

I'm not in it either (anymore), but I respect their utterly retarded efforts.
posted by mosch at 8:24 AM on May 2, 2005

Sad.
posted by Witty at 8:27 AM on May 2, 2005

I'm all for debauchery and diposmania, both generalized and personal, but I always find this kind of thing such a sad waste of time.

I remember all the heroic pot-smoking inventions of the old days, the jury-rigging of a small piece of duct-tape, juice box and spark coil from a model T to create some super-effcient field expident hash pipe.

And even then I remember thinking "Wow this kind of frantic creative improvising was used to return the doomed Apollo 13 to earth and here we are straining the laws of physics and our understanding of materials science to make Ren and Stympy 6% funnier."

I guess that's the aging process.
posted by Divine_Wino at 9:17 AM on May 2, 2005

Reminds me of the recent story of the Aussie who used a drill powered funnel and blasted a hole in his stomach
posted by edgeways at 9:26 AM on May 2, 2005

I think I saw one of those things in one of the _Matrix_ films.
posted by buzzman at 9:37 AM on May 2, 2005

Wino, the analogy to THC delivery systems is valid, except that nobody ever smoked dope for the flavor of it, so if you were going to get high, efficiency was a plus. Not so with beer, wine and spirits, which God endowed with flavors for us to enjoy while pleasantly getting drunk.
posted by beagle at 10:12 AM on May 2, 2005

I enjoyed the flavor of it often-ly, thus honey blunts and the even more annoying than wine snobs flavor metaphors (citrus, earthy, bubblegum, blueberry) when you got around long-time potheads looking to justify the habit. I still wish there was an incense that smelled like good hash. When you remove the ritual from these things it's just sitting around getting twisted, which is good too. It's so easy to bend your mind, I guess sometimes you just have to work for it.
posted by Divine_Wino at 10:19 AM on May 2, 2005

Waste of time? Sad? It looks to me like these guys have developed more advanced skills than any plumber I've ever hired in the borough of Brooklyn.
posted by MaxVonCretin at 4:12 PM on May 2, 2005

beagle nobody ever smoked dope for the flavor of it

Speak for yourself =)

I contend that your taste for a good brew is just as aquired as enjoying the mellow sweatness of a bud that's been bred for looks, taste, and (specific, as in the feeling - body/mind high ratio) potency.

This contraption, though, is cool from an engineering perspective - they modeled it up and got quality parts for it. The unfinished wood is a little disappointing though, but I guess it adds a little 'college hack' cachet.
posted by PurplePorpoise at 5:03 PM on May 2, 2005

A device of dubious utility, I agree.

Now, a shop-made Jet Powered Beer Cooler, that's something any bloke can make good use of.
posted by Triode at 5:05 PM on May 2, 2005

Nice to see beer distributers get behind responsible drinking.
posted by Eekacat at 5:57 PM on May 2, 2005

If the goal is an ultimate alcohol rush, why not just use an IV?

Or just put the tube up your ass. Lots of blood vessels close to the surface up there, probably as close as you can get to mainlining without a needle.
posted by mediareport at 6:36 PM on May 2, 2005

I'm clearly in the wrong demographic (and on the wrong continent) because I don't have the faintest idea what this is. Could somebody take pity on a poor befuddled Brit and explain the whole concept?

It looks like it could be used as a pretty devastating instrument of torture... :)
posted by kaemaril at 7:25 PM on May 2, 2005

kaemaril: Beer bongs

With all the time and money they spent on this, they could have bought and drank so much beer. What a shame.
posted by sellout at 1:17 PM on May 3, 2005

Word to the wise. Never put "beer enema" into a search engine. Never.
posted by sninky-chan at 2:50 PM on May 3, 2005

sellout: Thanks for the enlightenment. All I can say in response is: alcohol poisoning is clearly too good for some people.
posted by kaemaril at 8:00 PM on May 3, 2005

Beyond efficiency, the construction of such things is also a status symbol within the binge community. Such value cannot be calculated in mere dollars and cents.
posted by Ogre Lawless at 3:28 PM on May 5, 2005