Somewhere... somehow... someone's going to pay!

August 1, 2005 7:12 AM

So bad it's good, the Governator's 1985 film Commando was not going to win any Oscars® that's for sure. But at least it spawned a page of tortuous songs written by fans. Coral cached in case it dies, obligatory YTMD link.
posted by bdave (19 comments total)

Disclaimer: I really liked this film when it came out. The songs are so dumb and made me laugh so hard I had to share.
posted by bdave at 7:17 AM on August 1, 2005

Ha! Very funny, thanks. If only someone had made mp3s to download....

*ponders thoughtfully, rubs chin*
posted by zardoz at 7:24 AM on August 1, 2005

Commando is the single greatest source of one-liners in history. My personal favourite:

Matrix : Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully : That's right, Matrix. You did.
Matrix : I lied.
posted by PenDevil at 7:30 AM on August 1, 2005

Oh yeah, via.
posted by bdave at 7:33 AM on August 1, 2005

This movie has the most maddening examples of 80's action-hero logic / A-Team weapons techniques I've ever seen. Apparently they teach you a time-bending technique in commando training that allow you to run around in front of dozens of people shooting at you with no fear of ever being injured.

+5 points for Dan Hedaya, though.
posted by selfnoise at 7:41 AM on August 1, 2005

PenDevil:

Cindy: What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I had to let him go.

And:

Bennett: John, I'm not going to shoot you between the eyes. I'm going to shoot you between the balls!
posted by bdave at 7:42 AM on August 1, 2005

Commando + Predator = Best. 80s. Action. Hollywood-B. Movies. EVAR.
posted by cavalier at 7:45 AM on August 1, 2005

De Souza is a genius:

Other Guy: Fuck you, asshole!
Matrix: Fock you, osshole.
posted by gramschmidt at 7:51 AM on August 1, 2005

To the tune of "Welcome to the Jungle"
Lyrics by Chainmail Vest

[Chorus]
In Val Verde
Welcome to Val Verde
While i bring you your
Benenenenenetttt

Okay, I seriously died when I read this one.
posted by jennanemone at 7:58 AM on August 1, 2005

To the tune of "Angel of Death" by Slayer

I'm embarrassed to admit I was able to imagine this.
posted by brain_drain at 8:45 AM on August 1, 2005

I dunno, the one mimicking "The Rainbow Connection" had me spitting my coffee all over the keyboard.

"Matrix threw a pipe and
made a Bennett connection
and finally... he let off...
some steeeeeam.

Genius.
posted by elendil71 at 9:05 AM on August 1, 2005

Commando + Predator = Best. 80s. Action. Hollywood-B. Movies. EVAR.

But Commando only has Arnie, where Predator and The Running Man have both the Governator *AND* Jesse "The Governing Body" Ventura.

I find that Raw Deal gets overlooked, even though it has great lines like "You chould not drink... und bake."
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:57 AM on August 1, 2005

I like when they slam the speeding convertible into a telephone pole--not only are they not wearing seatbelts, but Rae Dawn Chong doesn't even have a seat--and they're just fine.

I for one can't wait for Carl Weathers' gubernatorial bid.
posted by kirkaracha at 10:32 AM on August 1, 2005

Reading those song lyrics is a strange experience if, like me, you haven't seen Commando. Who is this Bennett character? Why is it imperative that he "let off some steam"? What drove these people to compose hymns that address this matter? I think I'll have to rent this movie as soon as possible in order to answer these crucial questions.
posted by Prospero at 11:10 AM on August 1, 2005

If you liked this then you'll love the musical force that is ArnoCorps which I previously posted. Their metal songs are all based on Schwarzenegger movies and include Commando. They also have lyrics as well.
posted by euphorb at 11:47 AM on August 1, 2005

I defer to the gentleman from ROU_, yes, indeed, I left out the Running Man and that plus Predator in fact are better than Commando.

Commando raids an apparently Military-connected Army/Navy though for some serious hardware. That and the stolen car if I remember right made for quite a memorable setup.
posted by cavalier at 12:35 PM on August 1, 2005

I'm embarrassed to admit I was able to imagine this.

Why embarassed? I am sporting slayer neck this very day after popping "reign in blood" into the cd player in the volvo yesterday.
posted by glenwood at 12:47 PM on August 1, 2005

*laughing so hard it HURTS*
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:05 PM on August 1, 2005

"Okay, I seriously died when I read this one":

to the tune of Bowie: Heroes:

I, I wish we could aim,
like Matrix, like Matrix can aim,
though nothing, nothing will keep us together,
we can beat him, forever and ever,
Piss-ants can be heroes, just for one day.

Arius, Arius will be King,
And Bennett will be Queen,
Though nothing will drive Matrix away,
We can be heroes, just for Val Verde,
we can beat Matrix, just for one day.

I, I can remember, (I remember)
letting, off some steam (let of some steam)
and the pipe broke through my vest, (through my vest)
and Arius' plans, began to fall, (began to fall)
and I wish I fought on Matrix's side,
we could beat him, forever and ever,
Piss ants can be heroes, just for Val Verde
posted by UbuRoivas at 4:08 PM on August 1, 2005