No, you can't have Canada. Not yours.

December 30, 2005 12:58 PM

Plans were drawn up in the 1930s to invade Canada... really. While the idea has been a rampant joke in modern times as the US finds itself in hot water with its neighbor, it has been done before, albeit with laughable results.
posted by moonbird (34 comments total)

first link via TPM Cafe.
posted by moonbird at 1:07 PM on December 30, 2005

"Raiding the Icebox"?

Heh.
posted by delmoi at 1:21 PM on December 30, 2005

Re: War of 1812 - U.S. leaders were confident of easily taking over our neighbor to the north. William Eustis, the U.S. Secretary for War declared: "We can take the Canadas without soldiers, we have only to send officers into the province and the people . . . will rally round our standard.

Greeted with flowers, eh? I can see this sort of thing is more of an American military tradition than I thought.
posted by Tommy Gnosis at 1:23 PM on December 30, 2005 [1 favorite]

"Invading Canada is an old American tradition. Invading Canada successfully is not."

We have secretly trained our moose and bears to deal with just such an event. Of course, I can't tell you much about it, as the plans they mailed us all have "SECRET" written on them. But you people down there....just watch yourselves. We have wolverines and we're not afraid* to use them.

*Actually, we are afraid to use them. So stay put, please. Thank you.
posted by Salmonberry at 1:29 PM on December 30, 2005

Rudmin's a bit of a crank, but it's understandable that anyone who lived in Kingston would think we were at war with America for how their soldiers act when they're on leave here. They're a right pack of drunk cunts most of the time, and one of them killed one of the locals last year.
posted by Pseudoephedrine at 1:31 PM on December 30, 2005

We have secretly trained our moose and bears

In Minnesota, we train moose and squirrel for attacks on Canada. It's an accredited program at Watsamatta U.
posted by maxsparber at 1:35 PM on December 30, 2005

We probably have plans NOW to invade Canada. Doesn't mean we'll actually ever implement them, but if our military intelligence people have any clue at all, we'll have very detailed plans on how to annex both Canada and Mexico as quickly as possible.

In fact, with the amount of money we spend on the military in this country, I'd be pretty annoyed with them if we didn't have a working plan of battle to deal with every country in the world, from Switzerland to Swaziland.

War is all about logistics, and logistics is all about planning. Better to have the plans and not need them than the reverse.

That said, though, I long for the halcyon days of yore, when hearing about Canadian invasion plans would have given everyone involved a good laugh down at the pub.

Nowadays, they're more likely to induce a shiver.
posted by Malor at 1:38 PM on December 30, 2005

Doesn't mean we'll actually ever implement them, but if our military intelligence people have any clue at all, we'll have very detailed plans on how to annex both Canada and Mexico as quickly as possible.

Quite apart from the need to have a plan for dealing with the black and crimson maple-leaf clad jack-booted Canadian hordes should they decide to invade, I'd think it would be good practice for the military to make invasion plans for different countries. You'd have to think a lot about different cultures, natural defenses, and so on and so forth.
posted by unreason at 1:42 PM on December 30, 2005

DO IT NOW!!! THEN WE'LL HAVE A PLACE TO INTERN THE DAMN TEXANS WHEN WE INVADE THEIR ASS.

Funny how there's no part of the plan mentions that addresses Vancouver or Victoria. Naval blackade? or navel blockade?
posted by warbaby at 2:10 PM on December 30, 2005

Oh, I see. They'll "get around to it." The Pentagon has forgotten the Canadian secret weapon: Sgt. Renfrew of the Royal Mounted and his dog Cuddles.
posted by warbaby at 2:15 PM on December 30, 2005

In 1866, about 800 Irish Americans in the Fenian Brotherhood decided to strike a blow for Irish independence by invading Canada. They crossed the Niagara River into Ontario, where they defeated a Canadian militia. But when British troops approached, the Fenians fled back to the United States, where many were arrested.

What werre they going to do, establish an Irish Free State?
posted by soiled cowboy at 2:15 PM on December 30, 2005

Either that or drink a lot and fight among themselves.
posted by warbaby at 2:23 PM on December 30, 2005

If you RTFA you'll see that it was a way to strike against the British after the failure of a few ventures back in the old country, most notably the 1848 Young Ireland uprising.
posted by nflorin at 2:34 PM on December 30, 2005

I think these days, the US military would head straight to the Albertan oil fields, no?
posted by krunk at 2:45 PM on December 30, 2005

This has been known for a while...Straight Dope did a piece on it.

It was more of an excercise in military planning than it was a contingency plan.

Although, if we did invade Canada, maybe we can recapture a land connection to the Northwest Angle! The Northwest Anglians deserve better!
posted by Brian James at 2:46 PM on December 30, 2005

Tinfoil hat time: actually, the South Park movie was just a way to soften-up the US on the idea...
posted by ZenMasterThis at 2:54 PM on December 30, 2005

First line of western defense - B.C. Bud
seriously - those Americans who COULD handle it aren't the fighting type. The invasion would crumble in one huge munchie run to the nearest Macs, where they would fall victim to the legendary roving Canadian Beaver patrols.

After a decade +0.5 in the US, I don't even get near the stuff. It makes me taste color until I hit coma.
Takes the fight right outta you.
posted by isopraxis at 2:57 PM on December 30, 2005

1812 was nothing new. I remember inviting some American friends to Quebec City, and being mildly embarrassed for them when we came across a historical plaque about American invaders being routed there on New Year's Eve in 1775.
posted by zadcat at 3:39 PM on December 30, 2005

Thomas Jefferson somewhere wrote that Canada would eventually fall into the American grasp like so much "ripe fruit." I'm still waiting.
posted by LarryC at 3:56 PM on December 30, 2005

That Straight Dope article is really interesting.
posted by painquale at 4:01 PM on December 30, 2005

Hey! Don't make us Canucks mad or we'll burn down the White House again.

Sure we had British help, but we're still part of the Commonwealth, so watch it, eh?
posted by bwg at 4:45 PM on December 30, 2005

we'll use flamethrowers ... we'll melt every igloo that has a tim horton's and starve them out
posted by pyramid termite at 4:56 PM on December 30, 2005

Fucking Canadians,at night you can here them sharpening their skates. They want to come down here and steal our cheese
posted by Mick at 5:13 PM on December 30, 2005

Holy wow. From the Straight Dope article:

But in 1921 Canada's Director of Military Operations and Intelligence, Col. J. Sutherland-Brown, produced a remarkable document called "Defence Scheme Number 1" to deal with possible war with the U.S. ... DS1, as the name implies, was primarily a defensive plan, but it included invasions of the U.S. in the first days of war as a means of gaining time until troops from elsewhere in the Empire could arrive. These invasions would have been aimed at Albany, Minneapolis, Seattle, and other northern cities, to be followed by a slow withdrawal and destruction of bridges and railroads.

Albany - of course! It makes so much sense.

Brian James : Although, if we did invade Canada, maybe we can recapture a land connection to the Northwest Angle!

I prefer to think of it as the Manitoba Panhandle... someday.
posted by hangashore at 5:43 PM on December 30, 2005

Oh c'mon. Nobody really wants Canada. I mean, you Amerks had to fight the British for your freedom. The British cut us loose of their own accord.
posted by orange swan at 5:59 PM on December 30, 2005

And the result: a nation that chooses the beaver for their national bird.

BTW: BC Bud is now mostly grown in Washington state. Everything changed after 9/11.
posted by warbaby at 7:34 PM on December 30, 2005

Actually, we have some level of "plan" as to how to invade every country in the world. There's a fairly large group of folks at the Pentagon who do little more than conjecture and document "what if Country X should piss us off...how would we wage war against them?" and "Should Situation Y come to pass, who do we need to stomp on for a good-for-us resolution to occur?". Such speculative excercises are proper and important. Recall that Iraq was our ally 20 years ago, and Uzbekistan was our enemy. For good reasons or bad, all things change, and luck favors the prepared. There are thousands of "what-if" plans sitting on shelves never to be used, nor even seriously considered.

I'll point out the obligatory "having a plan does not constitute having a good outcome", as Iraq proves. That's not the point.

I will also point out (or rather, as another poster pointed out), Canada has plans to deal with our invasion. They undoubtedly have plans to invade us, as well, should conditions require it (sneaky bastards :-).
posted by kjs3 at 9:30 PM on December 30, 2005

Well, as Rick Mercer said once...
"Canada's defence policy is very simple. Basically, we don't really need one, because America's defence policy is also very simple. Basically if you mess with America, they will kill you. Because we're attached to America, nobody messes with us. We're like the cockiest kid in grade three..."
Link to the entire video clip (and one that proves how much Canadians like there cheese) is here.
I can't link directly, so you'll have to scroll down to the Week of February 21, 2005, and click "Rick's Rant for this week".
And, really, face it. America would like to invade Canada because of it's orgies. You *know* it's true.
posted by Zack_Replica at 11:04 PM on December 30, 2005

kjs3: I will also point out (or rather, as another poster pointed out), Canada has plans to deal with our invasion.

Yes, sell our natural resources to China. That way when the invasion comes somebody will care.
posted by Chuckles at 1:46 AM on December 31, 2005

Surely the Brits would nuke New York on behalf of the Commonwealth? thus killing off the execrable Mark Messier at the same time
posted by Rumple at 10:45 AM on December 31, 2005

Plans?

I should hope they have plans to cover pretty much anything.

Plans mean squat except that they're plans.
posted by HTuttle at 11:07 AM on December 31, 2005

Judging by the invasion of Iraq as an example, Canada can remain fairly confident that any attempt at invasion will prove to be a joke.
posted by RockCorpse at 4:57 PM on December 31, 2005

If anyone cares enough to do their homework, there was a very long post on alt.history.what-if (or the soc.history equivalent) about ten years ago which gave a very detailed account on how the Canadians would defeat an American invasion in a rather bloody way.

I have no idea why I remember this post other than it seemed to cover all the possibilities and promised quite a bloody time for the Americans.
posted by pandaharma at 1:35 AM on January 1, 2006

Yea, well their beer sucks!
posted by samsara at 1:25 AM on January 3, 2006