It's a sign!

August 20, 2006 4:10 PM

Crummy Church Signs
posted by konolia (59 comments total)

I know I have it all wrong. But I can't help seeing churches as businesses.
posted by notreally at 4:19 PM on August 20, 2006

lol @ teh christians omg so dumb am i rite
posted by keswick at 4:20 PM on August 20, 2006

I still find the whole church signs thing a little strange. The church where I grew up only had two signs: "Please contribute to the roof repair fund," and, "Thank you for contributing to the roof repair fund," with an extra scribble underneath noting that now was the time to really twat the death watch beetles.

Having said that, "Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons, come try one!" has rather a Church of England ring to it.
posted by ArmyOfKittens at 4:26 PM on August 20, 2006

“For all you do, His blood’s for you”
posted by xod at 4:27 PM on August 20, 2006

Keswick, your knee jerked so high it must've kept you from noticing the poster.
posted by joe lisboa at 4:33 PM on August 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

um, keswick, did you see who posted this?
posted by jonmc at 4:42 PM on August 20, 2006

I have to admit to appreciating the sign outside my local mosque last weekend:

International Food Festival!
Malaysian, Pakistani, Indonesian cuisine!
4-7pm

*licks lips*
posted by Jimbob at 4:43 PM on August 20, 2006

Not at all best of web.
Sars.
posted by disillusioned at 4:44 PM on August 20, 2006

Also, Keswick, the website seems to from a committed Christian who objects to many of the signs for their bad theology.

I like it. Though every once in a great while you see a sign that actually is clever. Years ago we were driving across Missouri on back roads in a sweltering August heat wave. One little country church had a sign in front that read: "You think its hot here?"
posted by LarryC at 4:45 PM on August 20, 2006

The narrator seems a bit of a Calvinist.
posted by boaz at 4:47 PM on August 20, 2006

And, really, Abortion: Hitler would have loved it is the best church sign slogan ever.
posted by boaz at 4:50 PM on August 20, 2006

From the site: "Come get your freak on for Jesus"

We can do that? What...like in the aisles or something?

And, really, Abortion: Hitler would have loved it is the best church sign slogan ever.
posted by boaz at 4:50 PM PST on August 20 [+] [!]

He loved it so much that he banned it. Oh that wacky Adolf...

My own church sign experience: can't remember what town I was in when I saw it, but I once saw one that said "God accepts Knee-Mail"
posted by kosher_jenny at 5:09 PM on August 20, 2006

It's a bummer there aren't photos of all the slogans. Seeing them in text with a critique next to it doesn't have the same zing when there are no images of them.
posted by mathowie at 5:17 PM on August 20, 2006

These would have been a lot better had he included pictures of the signs. Othewise, what's to stop him from making this stuff up?
posted by kenoshakid at 5:20 PM on August 20, 2006

Jinx, mathowie! I should use Preview more often, shouldn't I?
posted by kenoshakid at 5:23 PM on August 20, 2006

This is awesome. Thank you Konolia.
posted by caddis at 5:33 PM on August 20, 2006

I liked this (though, yeah, pictures would have been great).

"Kill the Devil!"

Can we......DO that? What's taken so long, then?

This guy's snarky enough to be a MeFite.
posted by languagehat at 5:35 PM on August 20, 2006

Something must be wrong with me. I enjoyed the church sign quotes much more than the critique, which often sounded more holier than thou than what the church's wrote. Yes the quotes were often down home folksy cliches, that aren't too different in tone from the things you can find in High School Yearbooks ... but then I kinda like that type of thing.
posted by forforf at 5:37 PM on August 20, 2006

I'm with forforf -- you get a real random, salt-of-the-earth sampling from these church signs, as opposed to the corporato-McFascism modern america has devolved into these days.

Plus it didn't help that several of the more kulturkampf signs whizzed right over the site proprietor's head.
posted by Heywood Mogroot at 5:43 PM on August 20, 2006

WalMart is not the only saving place!
posted by ColdChef at 5:48 PM on August 20, 2006

And this one, which I don't get:

When you turn green with envy you are ripe for trouble
posted by ColdChef at 5:49 PM on August 20, 2006

Oh, and:

God wants full custody, not just weekend visits.
posted by ColdChef at 5:52 PM on August 20, 2006

... as opposed to the corporato-McFascism modern america has devolved into these days.

"Eighty percent of born-again [American] Christians think it is the Bible that says 'God helps them that help themselves.'" [source]

I think the folksiness you admire is a symptom of larger (American) problems (say, a native anti-intellectualism and Biblical illiteracy), but potAYto, potAHto, dude. The ones that get all cutesy about eternal hellfire make my skin crawl.
posted by joe lisboa at 5:59 PM on August 20, 2006 [1 favorite]

A church near me recently renamed itself "Samaritan". (Not, y'know, "Good Samaritan" or anything; aren't Jews and their religious descendants supposed to dislike Samaritans?)
posted by hattifattener at 6:01 PM on August 20, 2006

The Methodist church up the street had this up last New Year's:

Sinful Temptations
With Pastor Judy
posted by owhydididoit at 6:02 PM on August 20, 2006

Jesus Christ, America scares me.
posted by Artw at 6:11 PM on August 20, 2006

I just submitted a photo of mine. I knew there was a reason I took it.
posted by knave at 6:12 PM on August 20, 2006

A church near me recently renamed itself "Samaritan". (Not, y'know, "Good Samaritan" or anything; aren't Jews and their religious descendants supposed to dislike Samaritans?)

Not really. Christians aren't supposed to dislike Samaritans. Traditionally, they had been considered religiously impure. Christians don't feel that way, partially because of the Good Samaritan story, but mainly because of Christ's emphasis on reaching out to people that had previously been rejected. In fact, he went to talk to the Samaritans. For a lot of Christians, Samaritans symbolize that everyone is welcome in Christ, regardless of ethnic or racial background.
posted by unreason at 6:13 PM on August 20, 2006

knave's photo (previous post) is webworthy, but most of the signs reviewd on the crummy site are just semi-punny aphorisms, half of which I'd agree with, even not being a christian...and the commentary is ho-hum. Just my capsule review of crummy's capsule reviews.
posted by kozad at 6:16 PM on August 20, 2006

Hey, cool, I just discovered there's a church signs pool on flickr. I love the creativity behind a lot of these signs; I imagine frustrated pastors across the nation flexing their comic muscles and venting their angry wit on the things (here's a good one). Thanks for the post, konolia, and don't worry, I'm sure keswick will be back to apologize shortly.
posted by mediareport at 6:20 PM on August 20, 2006

Good post, good resource, but with so much digital photography and so many bad signs already in the archive, the sitemaster should now require submissions to include pictures. Hey! It's the THIRD Millennium, guy! Catch up!

And has "WTF" become totally mainstream now? First Famous Mormon blogger Ken Jennings uses it in his comment on the Dead Garfield strips, and now Crummy Church Signs guy has a WTF? category... (allthough the filename says 'whattheheck'.

"A WISE MAN SELDOM BLOWS HIS KNOWS"... Comedy gold.
posted by wendell at 6:21 PM on August 20, 2006

Our church has hardly any signage at all, so we have no witty aphorisms to mock. I'm not sure what ours would say, anyway. The Episcopal Church: We're Not As Schismatic As You Think. Really. Or Yes, We're The Ones With the Gay Bishop.
The local Baptists trot this one out every Christmas: Are you looking for a stable relationship?
posted by Biblio at 6:52 PM on August 20, 2006

unreason: It's just historical Jews who didn't get along with Samaritans so well, I guess? I still think it's a kind of an odd name for a church, since the church would metaphorically be in Jesus' place, reaching out to the infidel passerby. (But what do know, I'm an atheist.)
posted by hattifattener at 6:58 PM on August 20, 2006

I take issue with the quotes-instead-of-pictures aspect of the site. I mean, I'm willing to give the dude the benefit of the doubt—he collects these himself and accepts contributions credulously, sure—but it's the (rare) pictures that really make it work. God knows you can only zing church signs so many times.
posted by cortex at 6:59 PM on August 20, 2006

Jesus died for your sins, not mine.
posted by furtive at 7:02 PM on August 20, 2006

Sweet, I sent him my Borg Jesus photo, and thanks to mediareport, I even added it to the flickr churchsign group. I wish I had taken a picture of the one on my corner last fall though - the church, which is small and a little scary looking, is called the Vineyard Fellowship, and the sign said: Vineyard Fellowship: Time for the Pruning!

I love that there are terrifying dionysian human sacrifice cults right down the street.
posted by mygothlaundry at 7:13 PM on August 20, 2006

Samaritans aren't extinct, though xtians seem to discuss them that way.

But it's not just Samaritans. A reported conversation between two teenage girls on a bus in Louisiana:

"What church do you go to?"
"I don't go to church. I'm Jewish."
"Jewish? What's that?"
"Like the people in the bible."
"Are they still around?"
posted by hexatron at 7:44 PM on August 20, 2006

I like it. Though every once in a great while you see a sign that actually is clever. Years ago we were driving across Missouri on back roads in a sweltering August heat wave. One little country church had a sign in front that read: "You think its hot here?"

That is listed in the site's "hell's not funny" category, supposedly one they received 4 times from Arizona.

I find this site really confused, actually. The guy's meant to be a pious believer, but says "WTF"? He thinks the jokey/punny references are sacriligious, yet has no problem making fun of / putting down other christians for these punny references? what about that whole 'judge not lest ye be judged' thingy? To me it comes off self-important and superficial.
posted by mdn at 8:12 PM on August 20, 2006

There was a church down the street from me that had one of those wicked subject-verb disagreements on its sign. I believe it was "The Wages of Sin is still Death".

I couldn't help it. After three days of driving by it on my way to work, I had to stop in and speak with the pastor about the sign. I explained that since "wages" was plural, the appropriate verb would be "are" and please could they correct the sign. The pastor smiled and asked me if he fixed the sign would I come to church because he would love to have someone in his church that knew the Bible so well. I politely declined. It's the English language I'm familiar with, the Bible, not so much.
posted by teleri025 at 9:37 PM on August 20, 2006

well, I think the idea is that while there's humor to be found in life, something as serious as faith shouldn't be taken that lightly. I've got to agree.

I'm deeply agnostic now, but whem I lived in Oklahoma, I came close to converting from Methodist to Catholic, for two reasons. First, that Catholics didn't completely dissregard the book of James like pick-and-choose protestants do, and secondly, that Catholics treat their faith with more reverence, even in the arcane traditions, and rarely do things such as atributing their own half-assed fortune-cookie aphorisms to God Himself.

Again, I'm not at all religious anymore, but I like to think that religion should at least take itself seriously enough to revere it's source.
posted by Navelgazer at 9:40 PM on August 20, 2006

It's the English language I'm familiar with, the Bible, not so much.

Won't argue with you there, since "the wages of sin is death" is how it appears in most English translations of the Bible.
posted by mediareport at 10:12 PM on August 20, 2006

This is pretty interesting, not least for keswick's predictable and way retarded comment.

What's funny is that if the "Gir-R-Done" church folk were to see the material the Church Marketing Sucks people did, they would probably call it sinful or faggy or both. Any of my stalkers here know that I've designed stuff for churches before, and I have to say that even the kind and intelligent pastors are amazingly lame and out-of-touch and still think that "Got Jesus?" is both hilarious and effective. What's wrong with projecting an image of stability and virtue? Why do they strive to emulate - and poorly, somehow - television fads and email forwards?
posted by Optimus Chyme at 10:25 PM on August 20, 2006

"The most powerful position is on your knees."

A church in the town I grew up on had a variation on this once. The wording change implied that it was the best position for a wife was on her knees.

As a high school student, I found that endlessly amusing.

Lo, these many years later, I still find reason to snicker about it sometimes.
posted by sparkletone at 10:27 PM on August 20, 2006

posted by nlindstrom at 11:22 PM on August 20, 2006

You christers are hilarious.
posted by oncogenesis at 12:14 AM on August 21, 2006

Except when you're trying to kill me.
posted by oncogenesis at 12:14 AM on August 21, 2006

Given that the site's author is a Christian, I'd like to see some examples of his idea of good church signs!
posted by Ironwolf at 2:26 AM on August 21, 2006

Can we please make up some crummy Catholic church signs? Like:

Body of Christ
(tastes like chicken!)

Missals NOT Missiles!

Forecast for Sunday:
Snow, Sleet and Hail Mary

Learn about the "con" of condoms:
God loves barebackers!

No "Ain'ts" in our Saints!

You'll feel the "urge" in our "Liturgy"!

Become Canon Fodder for God!

We have weapons of Mass instruction!

Absolution and Tonic = No Hangover!

"Martyrs" She Wrote.
posted by taz at 5:16 AM on August 21, 2006 [1 favorite]

The Lutheran church across the street had a sign up for weeks that said "Who's your Daddy?"

I didn't know quite how to feel about that.
posted by kamikazegopher at 6:13 AM on August 21, 2006

I wonder how many people actually said to themselves, "Golly, what a witty sign - we should go to church there!"

Ironwolf:

My favorite church signs say hilarious things like:

Worship Service: 10 AM
Potluck Dinner Friday
Evening Prayer Vigil
Everyone is Welcome


The sooner churches realize that the sign out front is best used to communicate information about what the church is doing, the better.
posted by buck09 at 6:50 AM on August 21, 2006

When I was a kid, I wanted to vandalize creatively a sign in front of a Catholic church to read "In Hoc Señor Wences," but I 'spect almost nobody would get the joke.
posted by pax digita at 6:57 AM on August 21, 2006

Samaritans still exist? I want to be a Samaritan! I'd be a good Samaritan!
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 7:40 AM on August 21, 2006

There's a tiny Baptist church a few miles away with a sign painted on the side that says, "Pray for Israel and persecuted Christians everywhere."

What about the rest of us?

Every time I drive by, I wonder about that sign.
posted by leftcoastbob at 7:47 AM on August 21, 2006

Dunno if this necessarily answers leftcoastbob's question, but one of the most arresting church signs I ever saw (if you happen to be a believer, anyhow) was on a Good Friday. It simply said, "He knew you were worth it."
posted by pax digita at 8:17 AM on August 21, 2006

"He knew you were worth it."

Useful and even powerful for people who understand the importance of Good Friday, for those without that knowledge, not so much. There is a church nearby that routinely puts up these little inanities. Right now they're featuring the "God Answers Knee-Mail" non-starter.

I compare and contrast these signs to the synagogues in the Pittsburgh eruv which have informational signs about service and candlelighting times and the only indicators of their presence in contemporary society are large green and white fabric banners that read "Save Darfur.org" (something that I have yet to see on a single church, even African-American churches, which is, IMO, shameful).
posted by Dreama at 10:00 AM on August 21, 2006

No pictures, but they seem credible to me.
posted by scarabic at 10:23 AM on August 21, 2006

No pictures, but they seem credible to me.

I think I can better state the thing that botheres me about the site, as mentioned in my prior comment:

I feel that a site that exists more or less solely to mock something ought to earn the right to mock, essentially. There should be a sense that a thing has been studied, that effort has been required to get to the point of righteous mockery or commentary or criticism.

Show your work, or something along those lines.

So when all we've got is a quote of a sign (however credible it may be—I've seen my fair share of questionable church signboards), it feels as if a shortcut has been taken. As if the author couldn't be bothered with the groundwork and wanted to skip straight to the jest.

I may be overanalyzing this a great deal, but that's where my head is right now: it feels like there's too much of him and too little of his subject on display. The effort required to collect actual pictures of signs would legitimize it for me, I guess.
posted by cortex at 11:28 AM on August 21, 2006

As a young assembly-programming nerd I always wanted to put this sign up at an Assembly of God church:

ASSEMBLY OF GOD: ∞ BYTES, 0 ERRORS
posted by kindall at 11:29 AM on August 21, 2006

Two things:

1) After the Northridge, CA earthquake, a church sign not ten blocks from the epicenter said "Thank God for what you have left." Every time I passed it I wondered, "Who should we thank for the earthquake?"

2) I was sure this was a funny thread, but thanks to keswick, I know better.
posted by eyeballkid at 2:53 PM on August 21, 2006