Slow and Steady

March 8, 2007 6:03 AM

Kinky Turtle Sex. This short 1:37 video [via YouTube] features two turtles engaged in a very strange form of foreplay before the eventual act of mating. If you listen closely toward the end, you can hear the male really enjoying himself.
posted by inconsequentialist (39 comments total)

I feel dumber than I did when I woke up this morning. Thank you.
posted by saraswati at 6:08 AM on March 8, 2007

Damn! No 'rubbish' flag. I guess 'noise' will do because I never got to the end and listened closely.
posted by tellurian at 6:16 AM on March 8, 2007

Hey, that male turlte copied my moves!!
posted by dov3 at 6:37 AM on March 8, 2007

Impressions

-Most efficient way of distinguishing your partner from a rock
-Only way to feel anything through an inch of shell
-"Hey, wake up! I'm trying to accomplish something here!"
posted by lostburner at 6:53 AM on March 8, 2007

Oh come now, this isn't that bad of a post. Sure, it's a onelink youtuber, but it's not like, people beating up bums... I thought it was interesting, anyway.
posted by BeerFilter at 7:00 AM on March 8, 2007

A shame there's no David Attenborough narration.
posted by sindark at 7:05 AM on March 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

I have no desire to hear a turtle enjoy himself, none whatsoever.
posted by Mick at 7:08 AM on March 8, 2007

We saw giant tortoises doing it at the Phoenix Zoo. One of them just kept grunting and grunting. It went on for at least 5 minutes after we arrived, and people were already there laughing. It was just so weird watching the turtles have sex with all the kids standing around and everyone (about 20 people) was laughing their asses off.
posted by Mr_Zero at 7:11 AM on March 8, 2007

It is not via youtube, it is youtube. </pet peeve>
posted by monju_bosatsu at 7:16 AM on March 8, 2007

I was watching some BBC nature show about turtles while in a hotel in Zürich a few years ago, and was reminded yet again that US television sucks. They were showing turtle sex, and had all sorts of sound effects to go with it, including a porn soundtrack, revving of engines, screeching tires... you know, all the hallmarks of sexual conquest.

Ahem.
posted by dmd at 7:23 AM on March 8, 2007

It is not via youtube, it is youtube. </pet peeve>

A pet peeve (or pet hate) is a minor annoyance that can instill extreme frustration in an individual.

Wow, inconsequentialist you really started monju_bosatsu's day off crappy.
posted by Mr_Zero at 7:25 AM on March 8, 2007

Bein' a turtle is hard, man. It's haarrrrd.
posted by contessa at 7:31 AM on March 8, 2007

Turtleporn? That's where we're at now?
posted by ninjew at 7:33 AM on March 8, 2007

Or if turtle porn ain't your thing, try some slug nookie.
posted by twsf at 7:40 AM on March 8, 2007

Metafilter: Best of the fucking web.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:06 AM on March 8, 2007

Um, no, no thank you. I do not like kinky turtle sex, not in a house, not with a mouse, not in a box, not with a fox, I do not like kinky turtle sex.

I do not like kinky turtle sex on toast, I do not like kinky turtle sex the most. I do not like it on the street, I do not like in the heat. I do not like kinky turtle sex on jam, I do not like kinky turtle sex, Sam I Am!
posted by fenriq at 8:09 AM on March 8, 2007

Best of the web indeed.
posted by Vindaloo at 8:14 AM on March 8, 2007

Thanks, twsf, but I'll take my shagging slugs with some David Attenborough narration. (Seriously, this is weird, gorgeous and even educational slug porn.)
posted by maudlin at 8:18 AM on March 8, 2007

educational slug porn

Great. Now my day is complete. Or something.
posted by Zinger at 8:24 AM on March 8, 2007

This clip is older than the internets itself.
posted by nathancaswell at 8:40 AM on March 8, 2007

I think the 'foreplay' was about finding out which end to use.
posted by MtDewd at 8:45 AM on March 8, 2007

So the male turtles' idea of foreplay is to ram his head up the the female's ass?
posted by disgruntled at 8:55 AM on March 8, 2007

LOLANIMALZ
posted by algreer at 8:58 AM on March 8, 2007

We saw giant tortoises doing it at the Phoenix Zoo.

There's a joke in a Tom Clancy novel about this...the way the male tortoise does it is like this:

"In." (pause for ten seconds)

"Out." (pause another ten seconds)

"In." (pause another ten seconds)

"Out."
posted by pax digita at 9:23 AM on March 8, 2007

Am I really sitting here at work trying to watch two turtles fuck?

Well? Am I?

Jesus Christ - I am.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 9:30 AM on March 8, 2007

Kevin, you are being PAID to watch turtles fuck! That is living large, baby, living large!

Just don't get caught!
posted by fenriq at 9:31 AM on March 8, 2007

wow... slow news day/week/month for sure.
posted by Diamornte at 9:39 AM on March 8, 2007

Oh those naughty teenage mutants! Boy, he enjoyed himself!

But if you want weirdness, check out man wrestles live octopus.
posted by nickyskye at 10:06 AM on March 8, 2007

this is rape! hasn't anyone set up a safe-walk program on these turtle's campus?
posted by wumpus at 10:40 AM on March 8, 2007

Fenriq: "Kevin, you are being PAID to watch turtles fuck! That is living large, baby, living large!

Just don't get caught!"

If I could only convince my bosses that the key to customer satisfaction is watching turtles do it.
posted by KevinSkomsvold at 10:42 AM on March 8, 2007

One time at a zoo in Florida, there were two tortoises having sex. A young girl near me asked her mother what they were doing. The mother told her that they were bickering. I've always found that rather amusing.
posted by inconsequentialist at 10:55 AM on March 8, 2007

(Did anyone else think "Why don't we do it in the road?")

I'm really surprised at the sound, to the point I wonder if it was dubbed in. I owned a turtle for a while and never heard him make a single noise. Never took him to any parties where he could meet lady turtles, tho'. Those things didn't often cross my mind as a 12 year old.
posted by weston at 11:04 AM on March 8, 2007

My wife used to work at a pet store that had 14 or 15 full sized Sulcata tortoises wandering around outside. (in summer, in winter they were housed in this large heated garage.)

I used to go in to visit her and hang out with the tortoises. My experiences led me to draw a couple of conclusions:

Tortoises like to 'park' when they sleep. They all line up along the walls side by side like angle-parked cars.

Tortoises spend most of their time wandering around looking for food. They are much quicker than you would think when they spy you across the room holding something green and leafy.

When not engaged in the first two activities, tortoises are trying to hump one another. It just seems to be the thing to do.

These activities so amused us, we promptly got ourselves a lil' Sulcata of our very own.
posted by quin at 11:26 AM on March 8, 2007

Why do all of you call tortoises turtles?

These are desert tortoises by the way, an endangered species. I guess this is in the Mojave National Preserve.
posted by A189Nut at 12:13 PM on March 8, 2007

Firth there were furries. Now comes the shellies.
posted by Fupped Duck at 5:19 PM on March 8, 2007 [1 favorite]

Why do all of you call tortoises turtles?

Leon: Tortoise? What's that?
Holden: You know what a turtle is?
Leon: Of course!
Holden: Same thing.
posted by raygirvan at 6:23 PM on March 8, 2007

Isn't it a little too soon for a YouTube rape link, considering the last post?
posted by StrangerInAStrainedLand at 1:31 AM on March 10, 2007

Ah! Now I see why this line is in the Song of Soloman 2:12

The flowers appear on the earth; the time of the singing of birds is come, and the voice of the turtle is heard in our land;

I've always wondered...
posted by RussHy at 4:43 AM on March 19, 2007

Oops. Soloman Solomon
posted by RussHy at 4:45 AM on March 19, 2007