Limited Stature

March 27, 2007 9:15 AM

"It is very rare I am lost for words but I saw the statue last week and it is awesome - a tremendous tribute to a great man. [Southampton] Fans have waited a long time for this and it is going to be fantastic. I really believe it will be the best football statue anywhere both in size and the amount of detail" -- Ted Bates Trust chairman Dave Ford

Then again, maybe not.
posted by crumbly (38 comments total)

This is why you do a study of the piece first. Then you go to the patron and say, "It will look like this, but bigger." And he slaps you on the forehead and says, "Ted Bates is not a doggone gremlin; he is a man. Get out of my sight, varlet!" And then the patron commissions a real sculptor to do the work.

Unless, of course, Ted Bates really does look like this.
posted by Mister_A at 9:20 AM on March 27, 2007

They're taking it down as we speak.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 9:38 AM on March 27, 2007

Dude that statue is awesome.
posted by Peter H at 9:43 AM on March 27, 2007

You should see the model of Stonehenge that's going up behind it.
posted by COBRA! at 9:47 AM on March 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

Is there a picture of Ted Bates anywhere?
posted by zeoslap at 9:48 AM on March 27, 2007

Villa! Aston! Villa!
posted by parmanparman at 9:50 AM on March 27, 2007

Saints fan Brennan had to rely on photographs to obtain a likeness of Bates.

He told the Southern Daily Echo: "Sculpting from photographs is not the cleverest way of doing it."

Ted Bates died in 2003. How else could it be done?
posted by normy at 9:50 AM on March 27, 2007

Exhumation. Death mask. It's the only way.
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 9:59 AM on March 27, 2007

Here, zeoslap.
posted by Aloysius Bear at 10:00 AM on March 27, 2007

The BBC headshot is really the wrong photo for that story, you really need to see the legs to understand what's wrong with the statue.
posted by drezdn at 10:02 AM on March 27, 2007

zeoslap, the "not" link has a side-by-side picture or the man and his bronze "likeness."
posted by Terminal Verbosity at 10:04 AM on March 27, 2007

The statue that that's always struck me as hideous is this one at Harrods. When I look at this photo, I think it looks more like the guy polishing the statue than Diana.
posted by miss lynnster at 10:09 AM on March 27, 2007

Oh god. Now I won't sleep for days either, not from horror, but from laughter. That is one of the more disturbing things I've seen in years. What happened to his forearm? It's like this is one of the test tube Ripley clones from Alien Resurrection that was too horrible to show on screen.
posted by buzzv at 10:09 AM on March 27, 2007

Kind of looks like a midget Bill Clinton.
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 10:10 AM on March 27, 2007

Having heard the sculptor on Radio 4's Today programme I was impressed by his humility. It was (generally) agreed that it looked OK before it was erected on the plinth but raising it up messed with the perspective, making Ted Bates look squat. Foreseeable mistake surely, but easy to fix.
posted by Shave at 10:11 AM on March 27, 2007

I didn't get to the not link :) It's not that bad really.
posted by zeoslap at 10:17 AM on March 27, 2007

Head on picture, perspective still messed up.

And it isn't just the perspective. Look how long and snaky is right arm is. And how his left wrist is unnaturally curled around the ball.
posted by DU at 10:23 AM on March 27, 2007

I'm thinking Cotton Hill, Hank's father from King of the Hill. Where are his shins?
posted by 1adam12 at 10:37 AM on March 27, 2007

It would have all been okay if the head bobbled.
posted by srboisvert at 10:43 AM on March 27, 2007 [2 favorites]

srboisvert: I have no idea how to say your name. Also, kudos to the bobble head idea.
posted by Mister_A at 10:48 AM on March 27, 2007

I'm trying to work out why he has to be waving with a goofy smile on his face; most statues I see around the place show the subject looking serious, regal - a posed portrait, not a candid holiday snap, if you know what I mean. That weird cartoon goofyness contributes to making this so awful.
posted by Jimbob at 10:49 AM on March 27, 2007

THE Ted Bates Trust have revealed their "distress" at the negative response to the £112,000 statue of the Saints legend.

They claim they have not been"able to sleep or eat or do anything since the statue was unveiled" on Saturday night.

How many people are in the Ted Bates Trust? I'm imagining 30 people huddled together shivering, sleep deprived and hungry from the sheer horror of the statue.
posted by brundlefly at 10:53 AM on March 27, 2007 [3 favorites]

Look at where the knee caps are and you see the biggest problem (ignoring the head/face). If they simply cut the statue off below the knees it would improve it greatly.

That said, you don't want a heart surgeon who is doing heart surgery for the first time. You don't want to hire a lawyer that has never before drawn up a franchise agreement drawing up your businesses franchise agreement. And it stands to reason that giving your money to an artist who has never done a bronze sculpture before is going to end badly if you expect a quality bronze sculpture.
posted by spock at 11:02 AM on March 27, 2007

He wants to sell you his pot of gold.
posted by solistrato at 11:12 AM on March 27, 2007

Here's a picture of a risible statue of Frank Rizzo, former strong-arm mayor of Philadelphia and Jerky Boy alter-ego. It's in front of the municipal services building in Center City; and it's even more "impressive" in the round.

No one is sure if he is hailing a cab or heiling Hitler.
posted by Mister_A at 11:13 AM on March 27, 2007

That said, you don't want a heart surgeon who is doing heart surgery for the first time. You don't want to hire a lawyer that has never before drawn up a franchise agreement drawing up your businesses franchise agreement. And it stands to reason that giving your money to an artist who has never done a bronze sculpture before is going to end badly if you expect a quality bronze sculpture.

Which begs the question, then, how does anyone ever become a heart surgeon, or a lawyer, or a sculptor? Gotta start somewhere!
posted by M.C. Lo-Carb! at 11:43 AM on March 27, 2007

I'm litterally laughing out loud. This is brilliant. Thanks, crumbly.
posted by sveskemus at 11:48 AM on March 27, 2007

If he couldn't even make a human figure with roughly correct proportions there was no chance of him getting the face anywhere near a likeness (which it obviously isn't apart from a cartoonish impression of the chin). They should just get someone better to do it and let this guy go back to doing non-realistic stuff.
posted by snoktruix at 11:57 AM on March 27, 2007

I haven't been this bemused in many a moon. Thanks!
posted by maxwelton at 11:58 AM on March 27, 2007

You will never get your hands on Ted Bates' Lucky Charms!
posted by French Fry at 12:03 PM on March 27, 2007

I've never heard of Ted Bates but I think if a dwarf wants to play soccer they should let him!
posted by acetonic at 12:08 PM on March 27, 2007

If you look carefully at the plaque on the plinth, it reads:
"Both! Both! De Plane! De Plane!"
posted by Shfishp at 12:13 PM on March 27, 2007

Southampton fan here...

The general view from the fans is well summarised here.

It's all a bit sad really... the whole thing was the brainchild of a few dedicated Southampton supporters, it was paid for in large part out of fans' pockets, the sculptor himself is a fan, and Ted Bates more than anyone absolutely deserves a fitting tribute after such a long association with the club. Just look at the wikipedia link...

- player for 16 years (202 matches, 63 goals)
- manager for 18 years
- director for 20 years, and subsequently club president

No-one will be happy till it's resolved, but the most important thing is that we get it right ...

RIP Ted.
posted by saintsguy at 2:58 PM on March 27, 2007

Completely missed this story. I'm sure Pompey fans are in no way making light of the situation...
posted by Abiezer at 3:14 PM on March 27, 2007

This is great (I mean, unfortunate and all, but hilarious). Here's my all-time favorite story about an art commission gone awry. It's best if you read the whole piece before clicking on the link to view the image.
posted by staggernation at 4:15 PM on March 27, 2007

I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, thanks.
posted by !Jim at 4:26 PM on March 27, 2007

staggernation: That's hilarious, although it's also a bit outrageous. The "artist" in question obviously paints from/copies photograps, and badly, as is obvious from the inconsistent lighting and proportions, and the crowding together of faces, revealing that he didn't have more photograph to work from beyond a certain point. It's pretty crap.
posted by Joakim Ziegler at 5:39 PM on March 27, 2007

Oh, god, that article about the Ronsons is pure gold, I have tears running down my face.....thanks, staggernation.
posted by tristeza at 4:08 PM on March 28, 2007