How to be a pirate
April 27, 2007 5:10 PM Subscribe
How to be a pirate. The first part of a book project that didn't sell.
The author says it best: "I have run out of funny things to say". Whoa, whoa. Take me back to the first funny thing you said.
posted by Ohdemah at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Ohdemah at 5:20 PM on April 27, 2007 [2 favorites]
Pirates like to call the bottom of the sea “Davy Jones’s locker,” because pirates like hanging around locker rooms with guys named Davy. And many are great fans of the Monkees.
FAIL
I'm sorry, but that paragraph is unacceptable. Although it beats most of the other ones simply by not having the word 'rape' in it.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 5:47 PM on April 27, 2007
FAIL
I'm sorry, but that paragraph is unacceptable. Although it beats most of the other ones simply by not having the word 'rape' in it.
posted by A Thousand Baited Hooks at 5:47 PM on April 27, 2007
I think now it should be "How to be a hobo". Hobos are hot now.
posted by everichon at 5:47 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by everichon at 5:47 PM on April 27, 2007
I think monks are slated to be fun and happening in 2008.
posted by everichon at 5:52 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by everichon at 5:52 PM on April 27, 2007
I had a children's book about this very thing that was tons funnier.
posted by divabat at 5:54 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by divabat at 5:54 PM on April 27, 2007
This primer sucks. He doesn't mention IRC or Bittorrent.
posted by kid ichorous at 5:56 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by kid ichorous at 5:56 PM on April 27, 2007 [1 favorite]
Monks went out with Enigma.
But meaybe they'll be retro now.
posted by lekvar at 5:58 PM on April 27, 2007
But meaybe they'll be retro now.
posted by lekvar at 5:58 PM on April 27, 2007
Second arnicae. I was open to it, and intending to like it, but it was bad.
posted by TonyRobots at 6:21 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by TonyRobots at 6:21 PM on April 27, 2007
Could he possibly make his blog logo any BIGGER?!?
He lost me at the Robin Williams joke, partly because it took me a couple minutes to recall the movie "Hook", and I cursed him for making me remember it.
If this is what it takes to be a Pirate, then I'm with Jerry Seinfeld.
posted by wendell at 6:36 PM on April 27, 2007
He lost me at the Robin Williams joke, partly because it took me a couple minutes to recall the movie "Hook", and I cursed him for making me remember it.
If this is what it takes to be a Pirate, then I'm with Jerry Seinfeld.
posted by wendell at 6:36 PM on April 27, 2007
How do I get book publishers to call me up and offer me loadsamoney to spend five minutes writing crap like that?
posted by reklaw at 7:16 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by reklaw at 7:16 PM on April 27, 2007
The lack-of-funny of this is massively compounded by the simple, stark fact that pirates where never funny to begin with, unless you're like 7 years old.
posted by signal at 7:18 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by signal at 7:18 PM on April 27, 2007
The only good thing that came out of that book was that wasting the time of the shitty cartoonist who illustrated it on spec kept said cartoonist from whipping out more retarded right-wing Doonesbury knock-offs.
Though the preachy one about Hillary in blackface was almost amusing.
posted by klangklangston at 7:35 PM on April 27, 2007
Though the preachy one about Hillary in blackface was almost amusing.
posted by klangklangston at 7:35 PM on April 27, 2007
I think we can see why it didn't sell. While it is not totally devoid of teh funnay teh funnay ratio is like about 0.05. It is way too obviously "What can I think of that's funny about pirates? Hey they rape their parrots LOLLERSKATES."
posted by localroger at 8:10 PM on April 27, 2007
posted by localroger at 8:10 PM on April 27, 2007
Okay, here's my own (self-linking in a comment is legal!) version of "How to Be a Pirate, Chapter One", thrown together over the last hour. (It's a dull night)
posted by wendell at 9:48 PM on April 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
posted by wendell at 9:48 PM on April 27, 2007 [3 favorites]
wendell, yours is much funnier.
Maybe Steve has one of those publishers who feels bad about rejecting authors' work. "We love your work Steve, we really do...it's just...well...um...it turns out that pirates just aren't big anymore, so I'll tell you what, why don't you hold on to your chapters and ...um...we'll give you a call when pirates become big again.
posted by eye of newt at 10:33 PM on April 27, 2007
Maybe Steve has one of those publishers who feels bad about rejecting authors' work. "We love your work Steve, we really do...it's just...well...um...it turns out that pirates just aren't big anymore, so I'll tell you what, why don't you hold on to your chapters and ...um...we'll give you a call when pirates become big again.
posted by eye of newt at 10:33 PM on April 27, 2007
Thank you newt.
And May 25th. That's when pirates will become big again.
posted by wendell at 12:06 AM on April 28, 2007
And May 25th. That's when pirates will become big again.
posted by wendell at 12:06 AM on April 28, 2007
I think pirates just jumped the shark.
posted by johnny novak at 12:41 AM on April 28, 2007
posted by johnny novak at 12:41 AM on April 28, 2007
Speaking as a professional pirate, this guy's writing stinks far more than any of my shipmates. I predict a keelhauling in his future.
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:15 AM on April 28, 2007
posted by Faint of Butt at 3:15 AM on April 28, 2007
Someone really, really wants to be Dave Barry. And really, really, really isn't.
posted by EarBucket at 4:12 AM on April 28, 2007
posted by EarBucket at 4:12 AM on April 28, 2007
Awesome wendell. Yours is vastly better.
A smart pirate always keeps his parrot on the shoulder away from his pierced ear. Because parrots enjoy eating earrings, and they don’t care who they have to maim to get them.
Not true. My parrot likes preening my earring. I think he things it's a feather.
I mean if he can't even get basic facts like this right, how can I trust him to help me determine my future as a buccaneer?
posted by quin at 10:30 AM on April 28, 2007
A smart pirate always keeps his parrot on the shoulder away from his pierced ear. Because parrots enjoy eating earrings, and they don’t care who they have to maim to get them.
Not true. My parrot likes preening my earring. I think he things it's a feather.
I mean if he can't even get basic facts like this right, how can I trust him to help me determine my future as a buccaneer?
posted by quin at 10:30 AM on April 28, 2007
reklaw: How do I get book publishers to call me up and offer me loadsamoney to spend five minutes writing crap like that?
Write a blog about knitting. It worked for me.
(Really. My blog got me book #1, and I just finished #9, all major-publisher stuff. But at least I'm not trying to cash in on pirates, hobos or any other memetastical crap, and I can write my way out of a paper bag. But I digress...)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:01 PM on April 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
Write a blog about knitting. It worked for me.
(Really. My blog got me book #1, and I just finished #9, all major-publisher stuff. But at least I'm not trying to cash in on pirates, hobos or any other memetastical crap, and I can write my way out of a paper bag. But I digress...)
posted by bitter-girl.com at 1:01 PM on April 29, 2007 [1 favorite]
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