RIP.

May 1, 2007 12:38 PM

Herbert Kornfeld, 1973-2007.
posted by monju_bosatsu (86 comments total)

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posted by skryche at 12:40 PM on May 1, 2007

Tha baddest muthafucka to evah grace accounts receevabo.
posted by ORthey at 12:40 PM on May 1, 2007

. bitches.
posted by eyeballkid at 12:40 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

/pours a 40 into the paper recycling bin
posted by eyeballkid at 12:42 PM on May 1, 2007 [4 favorites]

It was them accounts payable bitches!
posted by Mister_A at 12:44 PM on May 1, 2007

What?
posted by phrontist at 12:45 PM on May 1, 2007

Sleepless hours and dreamless nights and far aways / Ooo ooo ooo, wishing you were here.

—Chicago, "Wishing You Were Here"
posted by ND¢ at 12:45 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by ZachsMind at 12:45 PM on May 1, 2007

Damn, that Wikipedia update was fast.
posted by brain_drain at 12:45 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by Salmonberry at 12:45 PM on May 1, 2007

oh MAN.
posted by pinky at 12:46 PM on May 1, 2007

Shit. That was mah G. I'm gonna miss that crazy muhfukka.
posted by dios at 12:47 PM on May 1, 2007

He's up there wit his mentor CPA-ONE and dem angel bitches, now.
posted by mrnutty at 12:47 PM on May 1, 2007

Dammit... why do people always get rid of a good thing?
posted by rolypolyman at 12:47 PM on May 1, 2007

I suspect it was one a them candy-ass temps that did him in.
posted by jason's_planet at 12:48 PM on May 1, 2007

I bet Irving Weinbaum did that shit yo.
posted by ND¢ at 12:49 PM on May 1, 2007

Not tha H-Dog! Nooooo!
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posted by TedW at 12:49 PM on May 1, 2007

H-dog be dead?
I say we roll up on Schabe.
posted by Smedleyman at 12:50 PM on May 1, 2007

Tupac and Biggie, and now H-Dog?

DO NOT WANT
posted by mr_crash_davis at 12:51 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by athenian at 12:54 PM on May 1, 2007

Awwwww man. I gots to pour one out for my dead homie. You be missed, H-Dog.


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posted by kittens for breakfast at 12:56 PM on May 1, 2007

ACCOUNTZ-REECEEVIN' LIFE 4 EVA

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posted by the painkiller at 12:57 PM on May 1, 2007

_ _ _ _ _ _

staples seemed more appropriate than a simple .
posted by caution live frogs at 1:00 PM on May 1, 2007

*pours 40 of correction fluid*
posted by jonmc at 1:02 PM on May 1, 2007

I always thought Smoove B would be the first to go. This is shocking, shocking news.
posted by quadog at 1:03 PM on May 1, 2007

Hey, the onion! awesome!
posted by Kwine at 1:03 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

YO!
Midstate can't even kick in a little loose change for a memorial? Thas cold-blooded son. Gary n Gladys is going to be settling some accounts poste haste like. Shit just got real. Beleedat!
posted by lilnemo at 1:03 PM on May 1, 2007

?
posted by matteo at 1:04 PM on May 1, 2007

Dog was askin for it:

Back in tha day, tha A.P. posse used 2 be weak-ass amateurs. Kickin' they asses wuz like takin' a nice, long, satisfyin' shit: Y'all could bring a magazine.
posted by COBRA! at 1:05 PM on May 1, 2007

...and here I was trying to explain tha H-Dawg to the guys in my company's finance dept...

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posted by chuckdarwin at 1:06 PM on May 1, 2007

"We believe the victim was assaulted after hours Friday by an unknown individual or individuals"

You fuck up on payin Anchower for tha product, you playin' wit his emotions. That's a muthafuckin death sentence if he can eva fill tha gas tank in tha Ford Festiva.
posted by Blazecock Pileon at 1:07 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

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posted by mrbill at 1:11 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by furiousthought at 1:11 PM on May 1, 2007

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|-|
posted by acro at 1:14 PM on May 1, 2007

This is wack. I looked up to him, man. We wuz on a different level since I wasn't hustlin' workin Accountz Receivable, and he kept it real. He wuz an inspiration to me livin' day to day in da cubicle projects. Office life is hell, son. He went out like a true thug though and I'm gonna pour one out for him at the next office sponsored happy hour.
posted by kkokkodalk at 1:19 PM on May 1, 2007

I always thought Jean Teasdale would be the first to go, killed in her prime during a stampede to get ultra-rare Beanie Babies or something.
posted by drezdn at 1:24 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

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posted by beaucoupkevin at 1:25 PM on May 1, 2007

Brutha, that putz the lights out on all my homeboys in Accountz Receivablez!

Pour a 40 for the Herbz
posted by parmanparman at 1:28 PM on May 1, 2007

lolblax
posted by rxrfrx at 1:31 PM on May 1, 2007

am I alone in hoping that he'll return at the right hand of T. Herman Zweibel in the cockpit of a starship inbound from deep, deep space? I know I'm not.
posted by COBRA! at 1:32 PM on May 1, 2007

Now we have to invade Iran.
posted by Astro Zombie at 1:39 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

You know who else had a moustache like that?
posted by psmealey at 1:42 PM on May 1, 2007

Herbert was one of my favorites. I'll remember him every time I see one of them fucked-up coffee rings from when bitches leave they coffee cup on my desk.
posted by Benjamin Nushmutt at 1:45 PM on May 1, 2007

.

When will the media stop glamorizing the accounting lifestyle?
posted by PlusDistance at 1:48 PM on May 1, 2007 [2 favorites]

i was just mackin' our admin, all showin' her how to annotate cells in excel and channelin' me some H-dogg. this is sad news, yo. it's gonna throw me off my game.
posted by joeblough at 1:53 PM on May 1, 2007

I suspect Myron Schabe had a hand in this.
posted by funkbrain at 1:53 PM on May 1, 2007

*weeps*
posted by homunculus at 1:55 PM on May 1, 2007

CURSE-YOU, MR. TIN!
posted by adamgreenfield at 2:02 PM on May 1, 2007

it was obviously irving.
posted by jeffamaphone at 2:14 PM on May 1, 2007

First Tupak. Now the H-Dawg.

God, when will it all end?
posted by tkchrist at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2007

SOX compliance contractor suspected.
posted by HyperBlue at 2:20 PM on May 1, 2007

"...after his face was immobilized against the glass of a photocopier and repeatedly struck with the machine's cover."

There's no way my boy HJK went out like that. Makes him sound like a chump. And no other corpses on-site? Someone must have cleaned up all the suckas H-Dawg took with him when he went.

The only rational explanation? He faked his own death. He'll be back.
posted by tarnish at 2:23 PM on May 1, 2007

Jean will fall asleep in bed while smoking
posted by 2sheets at 2:24 PM on May 1, 2007

R.I.P. Ghetto Revival! King of the Burbs!

...maybe Imus killed him.
posted by Taargus Taargus at 2:39 PM on May 1, 2007

Finally a suitable occasion to use the period of mourning:

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posted by ninebelow at 2:50 PM on May 1, 2007

But there is some good news
posted by Pastabagel at 2:57 PM on May 1, 2007

When will the media stop glamorizing the accounting lifestyle?

As long as young scrawny white boys see accountancy as the only way off the mean streets of Scarsdale and Pemberton, they're going to buy into the media myth.
posted by Devils Rancher at 2:58 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Damn, son.

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posted by billypilgrim at 3:01 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by davelog at 3:04 PM on May 1, 2007

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Dibs on the "Nite Rida"!
posted by Sphinx at 3:07 PM on May 1, 2007

BUSH KNEW.
posted by Peter H at 3:15 PM on May 1, 2007

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I'll be missing you, H.
posted by kuperman at 3:49 PM on May 1, 2007

Oh, I know who did it.
posted by joseph_elmhurst at 3:51 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by cyclopticgaze at 3:56 PM on May 1, 2007

I suspect Myron Schabe had a hand in this.

Yo dawg, dis some fucked-up shit. We gon' find that sucka's ass tonight and fuck his-self up real good. My man H-Dog ain't goin' out like dat. Fuck doze mothafuckaz from Schabe's crew, son. Dey mama'z gon' be cryin 'n shit tomorrow, watch.

Shit.
posted by secret about box at 3:59 PM on May 1, 2007

I can't sleep on this, yo! I don't roll like that. We have got to give them punk ass Accountz Payble beotches what they got commin... They take down the H-Dog, them hoes is goona pay in blood... every last cent we got comin! This shiet for real! Word.
posted by grytpype at 4:01 PM on May 1, 2007 [1 favorite]

Yo grytpype, we roll at 11.
posted by secret about box at 4:04 PM on May 1, 2007

Mikey, come heavy!
posted by grytpype at 4:06 PM on May 1, 2007

I be packin' mah letter opener, dawg. We gon' do dis shit right.
posted by secret about box at 4:09 PM on May 1, 2007

Audi 5000.
posted by Partial Law at 4:45 PM on May 1, 2007

I made him some Angel's Food.
But he is dead.
What do I do?
I am bereft.
posted by Dizzy at 4:54 PM on May 1, 2007

Ain't su-prized, dawg been kinda pitchy las' few week.

Wait, who?
posted by rob511 at 5:08 PM on May 1, 2007

Thayz gonna be a hole lotta slooow sang'in
and flowas braing'in.....
posted by Jikido at 5:11 PM on May 1, 2007

I remember one of the first Kornfeld posts from the dead-tree version of the Onion back in the early '90's as being one of the funniest things I'd read.

*Raises fist*

We'll miss you H-dog. Represent.
posted by quin at 5:22 PM on May 1, 2007

PayaBO, bitches. Accounts PayaBO. Shiiiiiiit.

Props to H-dog, aight?
posted by tristeza at 6:23 PM on May 1, 2007

I wondered what his last column was all about. I see they were closing in on him.

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posted by Ironmouth at 8:06 PM on May 1, 2007

So many classic columns, but my favorite title by far was I Gots To Represent At Tha Muthafuckin' Company Picnic
posted by O9scar at 8:19 PM on May 1, 2007

.

yo
posted by Doohickie at 8:23 PM on May 1, 2007

I guess I can now confess: he was my baby daddy.

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posted by fuse theorem at 9:32 PM on May 1, 2007

oh HELL muthafuckin no!
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posted by BlackLeotardFront at 10:54 PM on May 1, 2007

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posted by jmcmurry at 11:33 PM on May 1, 2007

Can I get my fuck on?

Fuck you to the CEO! Fuck you to the CFO! Fuck you to the HR D-E-P-T! Fuck you to the Midstate Office Supply KKKompany. Fuck you to all you redneck, prejudice, Account Payabo mutha fuckas. Y'all can kiss my ass.

CPAz 4 LIFE
posted by Tiresias at 1:10 AM on May 2, 2007

With my favorite columnist gone, that's one less reason to read The Onion. RIP, H-Dog.

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posted by Sprout the Vulgarian at 7:15 AM on May 2, 2007

Favorite Onion column of all time.

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posted by creeptick at 3:01 PM on May 2, 2007

I'm picturing whatever Onion writer who wrote Kornfield getting incredibly sick of writing it and writing this amid alternating bursts of hysterical rage and laughter.

But they can't kill Jean. She's so deeply sad and fucked she makes me feel better about my own pathetic life.
posted by orange swan at 6:57 PM on May 2, 2007

Aw hellz naw. I'ma staple out some staples into da blue recyclin' trash can for ya, my brudda. Peace out.

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posted by ikkyu2 at 10:21 AM on May 3, 2007