THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON TAKING
June 4, 2007 5:15 PM Subscribe
You know what a "gifting suite" is, right?... It's a room or, in my case, an entire fucking house full of free shit they give away to celebrities.
This guy has an attitude problem.
posted by polyhedron at 5:23 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by polyhedron at 5:23 PM on June 4, 2007
This is the guy from King of Queens, amirite?
Their lives are spent crowded in front of The Griddle on Sunset for breakfast, fighting for a treadmill at Crunch, jostling for lunch at Chin Chin, and long, pointless nights outside of Hyde or The Spider Club.
Head shot.
posted by phaedon at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2007
Their lives are spent crowded in front of The Griddle on Sunset for breakfast, fighting for a treadmill at Crunch, jostling for lunch at Chin Chin, and long, pointless nights outside of Hyde or The Spider Club.
Head shot.
posted by phaedon at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2007
So now he's on MetaFilter...he knows what a "metafilter" is, right?
posted by sluglicker at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by sluglicker at 5:26 PM on June 4, 2007
My life is much improved, I think, for having no idea who the hell this person is. I'd like to keep it that way.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:28 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:28 PM on June 4, 2007
Someone should tell Patton that facebook is the place to be these days.
posted by doublesix at 5:30 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by doublesix at 5:30 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
'Free stuff! Blaaaaaaarghhhh! Give me free stuff!'
Metafilter? Sounds more alike a Cliff fan to me.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:34 PM on June 4, 2007
Metafilter? Sounds more alike a Cliff fan to me.
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:34 PM on June 4, 2007
High-LARIOUS! Great piece I would not otherwise have seen. Tx, blasdelf.
(Sorry about breaking the SNARK ONLY policy around here these days.)
(Oh, wait, no. No, I'm not.)
(shit, wait, these parentheticals are snarky.)
DAMN IT.
posted by mwhybark at 5:35 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
(Sorry about breaking the SNARK ONLY policy around here these days.)
(Oh, wait, no. No, I'm not.)
(shit, wait, these parentheticals are snarky.)
DAMN IT.
posted by mwhybark at 5:35 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
I've seen Oswalt do stand-up a couple of times. He's good.
posted by mr_roboto at 5:36 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by mr_roboto at 5:36 PM on June 4, 2007
Lay off of Patton. He is comedy genius, of a calliber most of you can only dream of.
His distaste for "gifting suites" is awesome, and he portrays it in such a way as to capture the very essence of the asshole Californian (who he forgot to mention make weekly migrations to Las Vegas and annoy me every Friday/Saturday). The vapid arrogant shitheels of the world who are the poster children for "WHY EVERYONE HATES AMERICAN LEFT COASTERS". They are the people who want to be Paris Hilton. And they are legion.
The one thing that would have made this better would have been for him to link the practice of "gifting suites" to what it actually is. Free billboards for the corporations. Everyone of these trendy fucks will now wear their free merch in public and walk around with the logos of the companies emblazoned right in your fucking face.
What would be great would be for someone to host a "gifting suite" that didn't hand out branded products, but instead had the quirky "Repoman" standard branding, like "BEER", and "MILK", and "FOOD" on everything. That would be great. I think I'll call adbusters...
posted by daq at 5:37 PM on June 4, 2007 [8 favorites]
His distaste for "gifting suites" is awesome, and he portrays it in such a way as to capture the very essence of the asshole Californian (who he forgot to mention make weekly migrations to Las Vegas and annoy me every Friday/Saturday). The vapid arrogant shitheels of the world who are the poster children for "WHY EVERYONE HATES AMERICAN LEFT COASTERS". They are the people who want to be Paris Hilton. And they are legion.
The one thing that would have made this better would have been for him to link the practice of "gifting suites" to what it actually is. Free billboards for the corporations. Everyone of these trendy fucks will now wear their free merch in public and walk around with the logos of the companies emblazoned right in your fucking face.
What would be great would be for someone to host a "gifting suite" that didn't hand out branded products, but instead had the quirky "Repoman" standard branding, like "BEER", and "MILK", and "FOOD" on everything. That would be great. I think I'll call adbusters...
posted by daq at 5:37 PM on June 4, 2007 [8 favorites]
Well, it certainly reinforced my sterotypical views of (a) Los Angeles, (b) celebrities, and (c) wannabe-celebrities.
Plus Patton Oswalt's stand-up is pretty fucking funny, so he's got that going for him. Which is nice.
So it gets a thumbs-up from me, I guess.
Wait, what were we talking about?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:38 PM on June 4, 2007
Plus Patton Oswalt's stand-up is pretty fucking funny, so he's got that going for him. Which is nice.
So it gets a thumbs-up from me, I guess.
Wait, what were we talking about?
posted by mr_crash_davis at 5:38 PM on June 4, 2007
Los Angeles is five of the best cities in the country, and three or four of the worst.
Great line.
posted by ColdChef at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
Great line.
posted by ColdChef at 5:39 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
long, pointless nights outside of Hyde or The Spider Club.
That should read, "long, pointless nights inside Hyde or The Spider Club."
posted by phaedon at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2007
That should read, "long, pointless nights inside Hyde or The Spider Club."
posted by phaedon at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2007
(c) wannabe-celebrities.
Hey now, he already put himself in his place in the first few paragraphs.
'First off, there weren't a lot of actual "celebrities" there. The fact that I was invited should let you know the quality level of those attending.'
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2007
Hey now, he already put himself in his place in the first few paragraphs.
'First off, there weren't a lot of actual "celebrities" there. The fact that I was invited should let you know the quality level of those attending.'
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 5:40 PM on June 4, 2007
Here's a sample in which he compares Bush & Co. to the Dukes of Hazzard.
I've seen him twice; he was awesome, though I wanted more new material the second time. He's on tour right now, & having heard about a new album, I'm thinking about seeing him here in SF tonight...
posted by Pronoiac at 5:41 PM on June 4, 2007
I've seen him twice; he was awesome, though I wanted more new material the second time. He's on tour right now, & having heard about a new album, I'm thinking about seeing him here in SF tonight...
posted by Pronoiac at 5:41 PM on June 4, 2007
Um, should I point out that Mathowie posted that sample? It would probably be polite.
posted by Pronoiac at 5:43 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by Pronoiac at 5:43 PM on June 4, 2007
ZEITGEISTY
posted by fire&wings at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by fire&wings at 5:44 PM on June 4, 2007
That was a pretty good rant. And fuck empty-vee and everything it represents.
posted by exlotuseater at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by exlotuseater at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2007
Proniac, that sample was hilarious, thanks. Definitely makes me want to hear more. There's so much shitty standup out there that I've pretty much stopped looking for good stuff.
posted by mediareport at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by mediareport at 5:52 PM on June 4, 2007
I maintain "meh." You won't find a bigger loather of "celebrity" culture than myself, but this is kinda trite. I don't doubt his standup is awesome, but if so his delivery is either fucking killer or his on-stage material is WAY better than this.
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:59 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by kittens for breakfast at 5:59 PM on June 4, 2007
Getting worked up over celebrities and celebrity culture is how they get you.
The more you care, negatively or positively, the more you can be manipulated with marketing.
But then I gather this dude may realize that, as celebhate seems to be one of his schticks.
posted by polyhedron at 6:05 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
The more you care, negatively or positively, the more you can be manipulated with marketing.
But then I gather this dude may realize that, as celebhate seems to be one of his schticks.
posted by polyhedron at 6:05 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
It seems like, with celebrity culture, and much of American culture in general, we gladly give things free to people who can easily afford them, and make up the difference by charging more to the people who make less.
posted by drezdn at 6:23 PM on June 4, 2007 [4 favorites]
posted by drezdn at 6:23 PM on June 4, 2007 [4 favorites]
As for subsidies to faux-celebrity status being a line-item on corporate ad budgets, I present:
Brown Zune, dude. Brown Zune.
posted by blasdelf at 6:26 PM on June 4, 2007
Brown Zune, dude. Brown Zune.
posted by blasdelf at 6:26 PM on June 4, 2007
so he got a bunch of free stuff and blogwhined about the shallowness of the other people also taking the free stuff?
um, okay.
posted by desjardins at 6:33 PM on June 4, 2007
um, okay.
posted by desjardins at 6:33 PM on June 4, 2007
(aside, from blasdelf's link): I've always wondered why it's 'cool' to advertise your product with Buddhist paraphernalia when you never, ever see a product placement next to a crucifix. Unless the product is a Bible.
posted by desjardins at 6:37 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 6:37 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
Patton is probably the best stand-up comedian going, right now, honestly. Giving my bias, up front.
This reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson, almost, and that makes me smile. It could've been titled Gifting Suites Are Decadent And Depraved.
If "being in touch with present day" means liking vapid celebrities, then count me out and get off my lawn.
posted by zerolives at 6:50 PM on June 4, 2007
This reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson, almost, and that makes me smile. It could've been titled Gifting Suites Are Decadent And Depraved.
If "being in touch with present day" means liking vapid celebrities, then count me out and get off my lawn.
posted by zerolives at 6:50 PM on June 4, 2007
(also, are we to the point on Metafilter where we link to registration-only posts on myspace? I fear for all of mankind.)
posted by zerolives at 6:51 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by zerolives at 6:51 PM on June 4, 2007
so he got a bunch of free stuff and blogwhined about the shallowness of the other people also taking the free stuff?
um, okay.
I think you missed the part where he gave a shoutout to a popular restaurant franchise, the column inches devoted to a cable show, and the repeated mentions of a sneaker company, including their online store featuring custom shoes.
Frankly this guy is probably already in bed with some "viral" marketing firms. But he's ANTI celeb so it's cool to like him!
posted by polyhedron at 6:54 PM on June 4, 2007
um, okay.
I think you missed the part where he gave a shoutout to a popular restaurant franchise, the column inches devoted to a cable show, and the repeated mentions of a sneaker company, including their online store featuring custom shoes.
Frankly this guy is probably already in bed with some "viral" marketing firms. But he's ANTI celeb so it's cool to like him!
posted by polyhedron at 6:54 PM on June 4, 2007
desjardins, the dhali llama is supersexy...jesus is hella lame.
posted by es_de_bah at 6:54 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by es_de_bah at 6:54 PM on June 4, 2007
I don't know too much about the article, but if it weren't for this post then I wouldn't know about Patton Oswalt, and if I didn't know about him, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to laugh so hard I cried at this.
Not the gay retard bit, which is, well, what it is, but the part about Alvin and the Chipmunks. Good lord.
posted by Tiresias at 6:56 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
Not the gay retard bit, which is, well, what it is, but the part about Alvin and the Chipmunks. Good lord.
posted by Tiresias at 6:56 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
I used to think Oswalt was funny. Then I heard him go off on a disgusting, "faggot" ridden homophobic routine that literally left the audience quieter than when he started.
He's a dick.
posted by disclaimer at 7:09 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
He's a dick.
posted by disclaimer at 7:09 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
I don't know, I thought it was pretty funny, but I read it in his voice (I've seen him do stand-up). I'm not sure if it would have held my attention if not for his delivery (as performed in my imagination).
posted by infinitywaltz at 7:13 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by infinitywaltz at 7:13 PM on June 4, 2007
I like Patton Oswalt but c'mon, was he really expecting anything less? It's MTV's Pimp my Ride for godsakes. Tell me something I don't know.
posted by cazoo at 7:15 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by cazoo at 7:15 PM on June 4, 2007
Waaaay back when... Patton Oswald used to rant at uncabaret when I was a regular at the shows. Back then, he was funny but he generally held the position of the token whiny/angry little guy. Then I started seeing him doing a bunch of tv & stuff. After reading a bit of that article it sounds like he's just as whiny it's not as endearing as it was.
What stands out to me is that nine out of ten times the people who bitch the loudest & most negatively about those Hollywood things are the people who are thriving on them the most. They make a point to tell everyone how much they hate them... over & over. Thing is, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:16 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
What stands out to me is that nine out of ten times the people who bitch the loudest & most negatively about those Hollywood things are the people who are thriving on them the most. They make a point to tell everyone how much they hate them... over & over. Thing is, the opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference.
posted by miss lynnster at 7:16 PM on June 4, 2007 [1 favorite]
HI I'M ON METAFILTER AND I COULD OVERTHINK A PLATE OF BEANS
posted by intermod at 7:27 PM on June 4, 2007 [5 favorites]
posted by intermod at 7:27 PM on June 4, 2007 [5 favorites]
You know, I get the whole "Meh. Some celebrity whining about the machine that feeds him/her" response, but he hits pretty damn close to the mark. I, too, actively find the shittiest, diviest, emptiest bars in LA to purposefully steer clear of the "Shot Dressed Assholes," and he does a good job conveying that skeevy uneasiness that I get when in their presence.
I know that most Angelenos are just reglar' guys like you an' me, but there are times when everyone here feels like they're trying to pull off some sort of look, whether it's the insanely spandexed Tour-De-France biker, the perfectly gelled rockstar boy, or the fresh-out-of-the-rap-video hip hop guy with the perfectly angled cap. It's a costume party, and "dressing for the shoot" so perfectly sums it up.
I hope to meet Patton one day in some dark empty bar and commiserate, but Burbank's a fucking hike, man.
posted by quite unimportant at 7:43 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
I know that most Angelenos are just reglar' guys like you an' me, but there are times when everyone here feels like they're trying to pull off some sort of look, whether it's the insanely spandexed Tour-De-France biker, the perfectly gelled rockstar boy, or the fresh-out-of-the-rap-video hip hop guy with the perfectly angled cap. It's a costume party, and "dressing for the shoot" so perfectly sums it up.
I hope to meet Patton one day in some dark empty bar and commiserate, but Burbank's a fucking hike, man.
posted by quite unimportant at 7:43 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
Perfectly.
posted by quite unimportant at 7:43 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by quite unimportant at 7:43 PM on June 4, 2007
Ahhh, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone...All the shitty shows are gone, all the idiots screaming in the fucking wind are dead, I love it...leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called Arizona Bay. That's right, when L.A. falls in the fucking ocean and is flushed away, All it will leave is Arizona Bay.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 7:45 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
posted by Samuel Farrow at 7:45 PM on June 4, 2007 [2 favorites]
This reminds me of Hunter S. Thompson, almost, and that makes me smile
Are you fucking high?
Patton Oswalt is a marginally funny comic, and that rant was shit. Just because a douchey comic blogs about something every level-headed person in America hates doesn't make him any less of a douche, or any more funny.
posted by Roman Graves at 8:22 PM on June 4, 2007
Are you fucking high?
Patton Oswalt is a marginally funny comic, and that rant was shit. Just because a douchey comic blogs about something every level-headed person in America hates doesn't make him any less of a douche, or any more funny.
posted by Roman Graves at 8:22 PM on June 4, 2007
Patton Oswald was on some "dude" panel show once. I forget which. Typical stupid shit.
The host was going from dude to dude asking them which celebrity chick they would most like to nail and Patton won me over with his brilliant answer.
Wait for it. I am not going to tell you yet.
Every other "dude" gave the most obvious uninspired hot chick answers - likely fed to them by an offstage studio publicist. I think it was Ice T who named Jessica Alba. Some Tommy Lee looking guy made a big deal out of Cameron Diaz. Zzzzzzzzz...
Patton Oswald was last. He was out of place in every way. All the other "dudes" were working so god damned overtime to be cool and hard. And they all turn to him with these smug looks waiting for his loser answer.
"Bjork" He said. "I would pork Bjork. She is crazy. Possessed. She would just tear you apart in the sack you just know it."
All the other guys just sat there for a second. And most started nodding slowly. Some just don't get it.
Finally Ice T says
"Fuck yeah. I'd like to change my answer. Bjork. Right on, bro."
And I have to say it's like Oswald read my mind. Bjork.
posted by tkchrist at 8:34 PM on June 4, 2007 [12 favorites]
The host was going from dude to dude asking them which celebrity chick they would most like to nail and Patton won me over with his brilliant answer.
Wait for it. I am not going to tell you yet.
Every other "dude" gave the most obvious uninspired hot chick answers - likely fed to them by an offstage studio publicist. I think it was Ice T who named Jessica Alba. Some Tommy Lee looking guy made a big deal out of Cameron Diaz. Zzzzzzzzz...
Patton Oswald was last. He was out of place in every way. All the other "dudes" were working so god damned overtime to be cool and hard. And they all turn to him with these smug looks waiting for his loser answer.
"Bjork" He said. "I would pork Bjork. She is crazy. Possessed. She would just tear you apart in the sack you just know it."
All the other guys just sat there for a second. And most started nodding slowly. Some just don't get it.
Finally Ice T says
"Fuck yeah. I'd like to change my answer. Bjork. Right on, bro."
And I have to say it's like Oswald read my mind. Bjork.
posted by tkchrist at 8:34 PM on June 4, 2007 [12 favorites]
Hey daq, I noticed that the most flagrant offenders aren't originally from LA anyway. Probably doesn't matter, though. I feel sorry for Vegas, you guys catch assholes from all sides.
posted by redteam at 8:38 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by redteam at 8:38 PM on June 4, 2007
Wow lots of hate in this thread. Perhaps the shot-dressed comments hit too close to home for some?
Oswalt is one of those guys I see on cable, laugh my ass off, and always forget to buy tickets for when he comes to town. I hope to remedy that situation soon.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:46 PM on June 4, 2007
Oswalt is one of those guys I see on cable, laugh my ass off, and always forget to buy tickets for when he comes to town. I hope to remedy that situation soon.
posted by damn dirty ape at 8:46 PM on June 4, 2007
Can't believe all the harsh words said about Shecky Chucklestein
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 9:24 PM on June 4, 2007
posted by MiltonRandKalman at 9:24 PM on June 4, 2007
I know what he's talking about. Ugh. L.A. has a lot of the shallowest, most narcissistic, climbingiest, arrogantest people you will ever see. His criticism is spot on.
I do everything I can to avoid those types.
But maybe that's why I live in Silverlake, and not Beverly Hills. Not everyone here is like that, not by a long shot.
Patton's not a major celebrity. That's why he was disgusted by it. It's not a world he's usually in the middle of.
posted by MythMaker at 10:24 PM on June 4, 2007
I do everything I can to avoid those types.
But maybe that's why I live in Silverlake, and not Beverly Hills. Not everyone here is like that, not by a long shot.
Patton's not a major celebrity. That's why he was disgusted by it. It's not a world he's usually in the middle of.
posted by MythMaker at 10:24 PM on June 4, 2007
Since I apparently got flagged to death with my other comment, I'll make my point a different way;
Wishing for Los Angeles to be destroyed is no different than wishing for any other city and all the people in it to be killed; the double standard is bullshit.
We've seen it in this thread. Posting that it will be great when L.A. falls into the ocean and is flushed away (yes I know its a quote) is no different than hoping for New York to get wiped out.
Except making a reference to the latter will get your comment deleted while the former seems to be a-ok.
posted by Justinian at 10:31 PM on June 4, 2007
Wishing for Los Angeles to be destroyed is no different than wishing for any other city and all the people in it to be killed; the double standard is bullshit.
We've seen it in this thread. Posting that it will be great when L.A. falls into the ocean and is flushed away (yes I know its a quote) is no different than hoping for New York to get wiped out.
Except making a reference to the latter will get your comment deleted while the former seems to be a-ok.
posted by Justinian at 10:31 PM on June 4, 2007
Gotcher back, Justinian.
Maynard James Keenan, with the help of Bill Hicks, wrote:
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit, silly shit, stupid shit...
One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.
Mom is going to fix it all soon,
Mom is coming round to put it back
the way it oughtta be...
Learn to swim.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.
Learn to swim.
Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.
Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.
I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.
posted by Roach at 11:43 PM on June 4, 2007
Maynard James Keenan, with the help of Bill Hicks, wrote:
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will.
I sure could use a vacation from this
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Fret for your figure and
Fret for your latte and
Fret for your lawsuit and
Fret for your hairpiece and
Fret for your prozac and
Fret for your pilot and
Fret for your contract and
Fret for your car.
It's a
Bullshit three ring circus sideshow of
Freaks
Here in this hopeless fucking hole we call LA
The only way to fix it is to flush it all away.
Any fucking time. Any fucking day.
Learn to swim, I'll see you down in Arizona bay.
Some say a comet will fall from the sky.
Followed by meteor showers and tidal waves.
Followed by faultlines that cannot sit still.
Followed by millions of dumbfounded dipshits.
Some say the end is near.
Some say we'll see armageddon soon.
I certainly hope we will cuz
I sure could use a vacation from this
Stupid shit, silly shit, stupid shit...
One great big festering neon distraction,
I've a suggestion to keep you all occupied.
Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.
Learn to swim.
Mom is going to fix it all soon,
Mom is coming round to put it back
the way it oughtta be...
Learn to swim.
Fuck L Ron Hubbard and
Fuck all his clones.
Fuck all these gun-toting
Hip gangster wannabes.
Learn to swim.
Fuck retro anything.
Fuck your tattoos.
Fuck all you junkies and
Fuck your short memory.
Learn to swim.
Fuck smiley glad-hands
With hidden agendas.
Fuck these dysfunctional,
Insecure actresses.
Learn to swim.
Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna see it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away.
Time to bring it down again.
Don't just call me pessimist.
Try and read between the lines.
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend.
I wanna see it all come down.
suck it down.
flush it down.
posted by Roach at 11:43 PM on June 4, 2007
Justinian - First up I apologise for any offense my comment caused.
Second up, I, hopefully like others, would never really wish one of the world's great cities, complete with inhabitants, to fall into the sea.
The point I was trying to make by posting a quote from the late great Bill Hicks is - the perception of the American Dream personified by Tinseltown is unattainable, unrealistic and offensive to the overwhelming majority of people who we share this planet with. Most of the inhabitants of Earth are more focused on feeding their families tomorrow than the clothes they wear and the parties they go to.
I realise that this is only a small subset of the inhabitants of L.A. - but they are the people the rest of us see and read about every day.
I guess the good thing about this post, is it exposed that other inhabitants of LA, share this view about the dressed for shot crowd.
By way of an apology from the man himself I offer another quote...
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but I am. So that’s how it comes out.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:00 AM on June 5, 2007
Second up, I, hopefully like others, would never really wish one of the world's great cities, complete with inhabitants, to fall into the sea.
The point I was trying to make by posting a quote from the late great Bill Hicks is - the perception of the American Dream personified by Tinseltown is unattainable, unrealistic and offensive to the overwhelming majority of people who we share this planet with. Most of the inhabitants of Earth are more focused on feeding their families tomorrow than the clothes they wear and the parties they go to.
I realise that this is only a small subset of the inhabitants of L.A. - but they are the people the rest of us see and read about every day.
I guess the good thing about this post, is it exposed that other inhabitants of LA, share this view about the dressed for shot crowd.
By way of an apology from the man himself I offer another quote...
I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold or cruel, but I am. So that’s how it comes out.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:00 AM on June 5, 2007
On preview...
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:00 AM on June 5, 2007
posted by Samuel Farrow at 12:00 AM on June 5, 2007
Sorry, Farrow, you just hit a nerve is all. For all too many people hating Californians and, particularly, Southern Californians is de rigeur in a way that hating Bostonians, or Chicagoans, or whatever wouldn't be.
Never mind the fact that CA is the biggest agricultural producer (in dollar terms) in the nation *and fifth largest in the world*. Fuck vegetables, berries, fruits, and nuts, we'll all eat nothing but grains.
Who needs the aerospace industry? Flying never helped anyway.
And screw the entertainment industry. I hate music, television, and movies.
And there's too goddamn many hardworking foreigners here. They should all move, just like the fuckin' Oregonians think Californians should go home.
And the rest of the country would do fine without California's diversified economy. Just because it's almost 17% of the GDP of the entire country is no reason to feel like it's a worthwhile place. I mean, the huge differential between what California pays to the Federal Government and receives back in benefits is nothing that couldn't be made up elsewhere.
Feh. Suck it, California haters.
posted by Justinian at 12:24 AM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
Never mind the fact that CA is the biggest agricultural producer (in dollar terms) in the nation *and fifth largest in the world*. Fuck vegetables, berries, fruits, and nuts, we'll all eat nothing but grains.
Who needs the aerospace industry? Flying never helped anyway.
And screw the entertainment industry. I hate music, television, and movies.
And there's too goddamn many hardworking foreigners here. They should all move, just like the fuckin' Oregonians think Californians should go home.
And the rest of the country would do fine without California's diversified economy. Just because it's almost 17% of the GDP of the entire country is no reason to feel like it's a worthwhile place. I mean, the huge differential between what California pays to the Federal Government and receives back in benefits is nothing that couldn't be made up elsewhere.
Feh. Suck it, California haters.
posted by Justinian at 12:24 AM on June 5, 2007 [2 favorites]
"pink taco" -- get it? it's a rude slang term for "pussy"!
thank you for sharing that!
posted by bruce at 1:08 AM on June 5, 2007
thank you for sharing that!
posted by bruce at 1:08 AM on June 5, 2007
Yeah, I can't work out whether that is more likely to put me off sex or off tacos.
Oh yeah, it's tacos. Like you couldn't see that coming.
posted by imperium at 1:35 AM on June 5, 2007
Oh yeah, it's tacos. Like you couldn't see that coming.
posted by imperium at 1:35 AM on June 5, 2007
No problem, Justinian - we all have our sore points, us Kiwis get the sheep jokes from Aussies here all the time, UbuRoivas particularly, webgoddess has been dismissive of us, and I even think effigy2000 has been guilty of it (but the exact example escapes me).
The thing is, we don't get all moody about it, we accept the stereotypes, the friendly digs, the sweeping generalisations, and we move on, together - as mates.
Also I prefer being called Sam rather than just Farrow.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:28 AM on June 5, 2007
The thing is, we don't get all moody about it, we accept the stereotypes, the friendly digs, the sweeping generalisations, and we move on, together - as mates.
Also I prefer being called Sam rather than just Farrow.
posted by Samuel Farrow at 3:28 AM on June 5, 2007
On the one hand:
And when California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing
Until I pay my bill
--Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
But on the other hand:
I'll sink Manhattan
Right under the sea
I'll find the sweetest spot to watch
As it goes away
--They Might Be Giants, "I'll Sink Manhattan"
Evidently, the submerging of portions of the United States is a recurring theme in popular music. I wouldn't get worked up over it, unless I really felt like overthinking a plate of complimentary branded Swarovski-encrusted gifting suite beans.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:12 AM on June 5, 2007
And when California slides into the ocean
Like the mystics and statistics say it will
I predict this motel will be standing
Until I pay my bill
--Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves"
But on the other hand:
I'll sink Manhattan
Right under the sea
I'll find the sweetest spot to watch
As it goes away
--They Might Be Giants, "I'll Sink Manhattan"
Evidently, the submerging of portions of the United States is a recurring theme in popular music. I wouldn't get worked up over it, unless I really felt like overthinking a plate of complimentary branded Swarovski-encrusted gifting suite beans.
posted by Faint of Butt at 4:12 AM on June 5, 2007
daq writes "What would be great would be for someone to host a 'gifting suite' that didn't hand out branded products, but instead had the quirky 'Repoman' standard branding, like 'BEER', and 'MILK', and 'FOOD' on everything."
Problem is, if you lived in LA 10 years ago, you'd know that those Repoman branded "BEER", "MILK", and "FOOD" products are actually the generics made by Ralphs supermarkets (apparently, they stopped making them some time in the 90s). So they're not brandless, they're just a brand that people who live where there are no Ralphs don't know about.
(When I saw Repoman, I just assumed that the guy worked at Ralph's.)
posted by Bugbread at 5:17 AM on June 5, 2007
Problem is, if you lived in LA 10 years ago, you'd know that those Repoman branded "BEER", "MILK", and "FOOD" products are actually the generics made by Ralphs supermarkets (apparently, they stopped making them some time in the 90s). So they're not brandless, they're just a brand that people who live where there are no Ralphs don't know about.
(When I saw Repoman, I just assumed that the guy worked at Ralph's.)
posted by Bugbread at 5:17 AM on June 5, 2007
A little more googling indicates that the proper name for that series of Ralph's products was their "Plain Wrap" brand.
posted by Bugbread at 5:22 AM on June 5, 2007
posted by Bugbread at 5:22 AM on June 5, 2007
Ralphs? Like the place where the Dude buys his milk? And coffee-tin urns? Neat, i had no idea those 2 movies had anything in common.
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 7:02 AM on June 5, 2007
posted by TechnoLustLuddite at 7:02 AM on June 5, 2007
Wow, that had everything: boundless critique of the LA airhead set, getting just close enough to it to be borderline hypocritical in its dismissal of it but staying just far away enough to maintain a sort of "participant observational" credibility, swear-filled, seldom-seen-nuggets-of-truth-revealing diatribe which honours the memory of Hunter S. Thompson, with a bit of early 90s ironic detachment thrown in for good measure. Pièce de resistance: effing EmptyVee, precisely the heralds and champions of that specific brand of detachment, and ironically also of their own squandered credibility.
FWIW, I have never heard of this Patton Oswalt person, but this was a great read. The quote in the first comment of this thread in particular was stellar. Thanks for posting this.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:11 AM on June 5, 2007
FWIW, I have never heard of this Patton Oswalt person, but this was a great read. The quote in the first comment of this thread in particular was stellar. Thanks for posting this.
posted by goodnewsfortheinsane at 7:11 AM on June 5, 2007
PATTON OSWALT
in Hollywood, Calaifornia
was the actor who
played Famous Mortimer
on Mr. Show with Bob & David.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:50 AM on June 5, 2007
in Hollywood, Calaifornia
was the actor who
played Famous Mortimer
on Mr. Show with Bob & David.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT!
posted by Smart Dalek at 7:50 AM on June 5, 2007
It's funny that I often agree with Patton Oswalt (and generally enjoy his appearances on Reno 911), but I find his standup material to be pure crap. I feel the same about this piece.
posted by mrgrimm at 8:09 AM on June 5, 2007
posted by mrgrimm at 8:09 AM on June 5, 2007
This blowing-up-LA conversation reminds me of this calvin and hobbes where calvin imagines blowing up his school with a fighter jet. Apparantly it prompted a number of newspapers to pull the strip because they thought it wasn't proper for a kid to imagine blowing up his school.
Just about every kid imagined blowing up his school at one point in time. That doesn't mean it should trigger a knee-jerk reaction, or the response that the kid is a hate monger of some sort.
Oh, and the blog was ok.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:40 AM on June 5, 2007
Just about every kid imagined blowing up his school at one point in time. That doesn't mean it should trigger a knee-jerk reaction, or the response that the kid is a hate monger of some sort.
Oh, and the blog was ok.
posted by craven_morhead at 8:40 AM on June 5, 2007
Justinian:
I think for every dollar that goes from CA to the federal government, we get back about 75 cents.
posted by wuwei at 9:31 AM on June 5, 2007
I think for every dollar that goes from CA to the federal government, we get back about 75 cents.
posted by wuwei at 9:31 AM on June 5, 2007
“L.A. has a lot of the shallowest, most narcissistic, climbingiest, arrogantest people you will ever see.”
So why not rob them?
Always wondered why folks try to out-swindle, out-face, out-vampire the hollywood vampire types. I have to say I loved that bit from the Sopranos where they swooped right in on the gift suite, ignoring the whole glitz thing. Oh, sure it was ugly and nasty and brutish and they beat on two beloved stars, but c’mon, that certainly seems to be the most direct route for the hungry through the prideful.
And historically, the Antoinette types always get beheaded and their stuff gets taken. There’s no greater culture shock than the straight power thing when someone realizes you’re not plugged into their whole game.
Publicus: “Halt! I am a Roman citizen!”
Barbarous Hun: “Uh-huh, gimme that chariot, bitch!”
Of course, it is nasty and ugly and brutish, etc, so...
posted by Smedleyman at 12:28 PM on June 5, 2007
So why not rob them?
Always wondered why folks try to out-swindle, out-face, out-vampire the hollywood vampire types. I have to say I loved that bit from the Sopranos where they swooped right in on the gift suite, ignoring the whole glitz thing. Oh, sure it was ugly and nasty and brutish and they beat on two beloved stars, but c’mon, that certainly seems to be the most direct route for the hungry through the prideful.
And historically, the Antoinette types always get beheaded and their stuff gets taken. There’s no greater culture shock than the straight power thing when someone realizes you’re not plugged into their whole game.
Publicus: “Halt! I am a Roman citizen!”
Barbarous Hun: “Uh-huh, gimme that chariot, bitch!”
Of course, it is nasty and ugly and brutish, etc, so...
posted by Smedleyman at 12:28 PM on June 5, 2007
I've always liked this Oswalt line: "LA is Demon Cock, but I went to Las Vegas the other day, it was was Demon Cock covered in sprinkles and deep fried"
It's clear that he has some issues with his city, but it's also clear that he loves it at the same time. Although I don't think he's in any way unique in this regard, many of us have similar love/hate relationships with the places we live. I do think Patton tends to be more articulate and expressing his feelings that I am.
I mean, I would have likened Vegas to demon cock covered in rhinestones and caramelized, which is not nearly as eloquent.
posted by quin at 12:44 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
It's clear that he has some issues with his city, but it's also clear that he loves it at the same time. Although I don't think he's in any way unique in this regard, many of us have similar love/hate relationships with the places we live. I do think Patton tends to be more articulate and expressing his feelings that I am.
I mean, I would have likened Vegas to demon cock covered in rhinestones and caramelized, which is not nearly as eloquent.
posted by quin at 12:44 PM on June 5, 2007 [1 favorite]
"pushing this uncooked Cornish game hen through these grey drapes"... now that is eloquent :-)
posted by flabdablet at 3:46 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by flabdablet at 3:46 PM on June 5, 2007
Well, one of the things people on here don't seem to be pointing out is that the people he is criticizing *aren't* REAL celebrities, it's really the wannabes that are ACTING like they're hotshots. There's an entire class of posers out here that act like they've seen celebrities on TV act, prancing around, hoping that they'll be "discovered", or whatever.
Mostly nothing ever comes of it. Some of them maybe are rich, but mostly they're just trying to go to the right parties and be seen by the right people, thinking that, somehow through osmosis and ambition that they will get famous.
The real famous people I know are mostly pretty nice people. It's the ambitious, talentless wannabes that are the worst.
posted by MythMaker at 4:34 PM on June 5, 2007
Mostly nothing ever comes of it. Some of them maybe are rich, but mostly they're just trying to go to the right parties and be seen by the right people, thinking that, somehow through osmosis and ambition that they will get famous.
The real famous people I know are mostly pretty nice people. It's the ambitious, talentless wannabes that are the worst.
posted by MythMaker at 4:34 PM on June 5, 2007
Well, I dunno. I've met some sucky famous people.
posted by miss lynnster at 8:29 PM on June 5, 2007
posted by miss lynnster at 8:29 PM on June 5, 2007
There are certainly a lot of sucky ones, too, miss lynster, no question. But there are teaming HORDES of sucky, pretentious, stuckup nonfamous people around L.A., and that was my real point.
Many many successful people are really quite nice, and that quality is one of the things that has lead to their success. Michael Caine, for instance, has the reputation for being a fantastic person, and a real joy to be around, which is one of the reasons he's always worked so constantly.
posted by MythMaker at 6:26 PM on June 7, 2007
Many many successful people are really quite nice, and that quality is one of the things that has lead to their success. Michael Caine, for instance, has the reputation for being a fantastic person, and a real joy to be around, which is one of the reasons he's always worked so constantly.
posted by MythMaker at 6:26 PM on June 7, 2007
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posted by blasdelf at 5:16 PM on June 4, 2007