Love in the Time of Dementia

November 19, 2007 7:39 AM

Love in the Time of Dementia Former Justice Sandra Day O’Connor’s husband, suffering from Alzheimer’s disease, has a romance with another woman, and the former justice is thrilled — even visits with the new couple while they hold hands on the porch swing — because it is a relief to see her husband of 55 years so content. (More on their story from AFP.) This is also the plot of the wonderful Alice Munro short story “The Bear Came Over the Mountain,” which became the recent movie Away from Her.

More about the O'Connors' marriage here.

posted by GrammarMoses (43 comments total)

“Young love is about wanting to be happy,” she said. “Old love is about wanting someone else to be happy.”

woah.
posted by milestogo at 7:42 AM on November 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

Thanks for the here link -- my mind was blown by the first link, but then frustrated because they focused on the societaly impact of "older folks getting their freak on" and not whatever the heck has happened with her husband.

And yeah, that "she said" link was some specialist, not Mrs. O'Connor.
posted by cavalier at 7:49 AM on November 19, 2007

It's wonderful to read about a more nuanced view of human relationships in a newspaper.
posted by Nelson at 7:56 AM on November 19, 2007

This reads like a promotional piece for "Away From Her".
posted by phaedon at 8:00 AM on November 19, 2007

I should win some kind of award for "fewest words read before passing judgment".
posted by phaedon at 8:04 AM on November 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

He he. Grandpa had lots and lots of girlfriends at the nursing home. When one died he would conveniently forget her and get a new one. Lots of interesting stuff happening like him explaining that he couldn't spend time with some chick because she was ill, then the staff telling us she was actually visiting her husband over the weekend...

While there were some pants-shitting and lying-in-bed-screaming going on at that place most folks there seemed to mostly shuffle around, having a pretty good time.
posted by uandt at 8:06 AM on November 19, 2007

"although that’s part of it, as is the inertia the researchers call the familiarity effect, which keeps people from leaving a longtime relationship even though he nags and she won’t ask for directions."

Do you think an editor made them reverse the stereotypes?
posted by terrortubby at 8:08 AM on November 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

Young love is about wanting to be happy,” she said. “Old love is about wanting someone else to be happy.”

I thought this ageist and simplistic, ....then I remembered.....
posted by Wilder at 8:14 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I really dislike this. The man and woman at the heart of this story are incapable of giving informed consent for its publication.
posted by Carol Anne at 8:24 AM on November 19, 2007

your favorite love sucks.
posted by unknowncommand at 8:27 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I initially misread the post as saying that former Justice O'Connor had a romance with another woman.
Now that would have been a story.

posted by bassjump at 8:29 AM on November 19, 2007

What impresses me is that even in a state that is so shattered --Alzheimer's--people still have a need and search for love, relationship,a connection with another. And because of their disease, the love sought and found reverts seemingly to that of a much younger person. It is finding love in all the wrong places, so to speak, but finding it is what counts.
posted by Postroad at 8:31 AM on November 19, 2007

my dad, 81 years old, is crazy as a shithouse bear and constantly leers and makes lewd suggestions to the teenaged aides at his nursing home.
posted by quonsar at 8:34 AM on November 19, 2007

Grandpa had lots and lots of girlfriends at the nursing home.

Well, women tend to live longer than men, so they'd outnumber them, thus rendering any single presentable guy a hot property.

I'm looking forward to the rest home. I'm gonna be one bald-headed walker-pushing mack daddy.
posted by jonmc at 8:35 AM on November 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

That's one of the most unselfish, courageous and humane decisions I think I've seen in quite a while. I like that it came from the first female Supreme Court justice.
posted by pax digita at 8:44 AM on November 19, 2007

On the bright side, he's also unable to remember that his wife is responsible for President George Bush.
posted by william_boot at 8:47 AM on November 19, 2007 [8 favorites]

I think it's good that Justice O'Connor is ok with it, but I have to wonder if on some level she really is hurt by it. This is one of those stories I really wish hadn't been picked up by the media. While she has made peace with it, it must be somewhat humiliating to watch your husband go off with another woman after you've given up one of the most powerful and important positions in the country to be with him and I don't think that it was really something that the general public needed or had any right to know about.
posted by whoaali at 9:05 AM on November 19, 2007 [2 favorites]

my dad, 81 years old, is crazy as a shithouse bear

apple>>NOT FAR<<tree
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 9:16 AM on November 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

Uh, nurse, I'll be needin' some Viagra to go with my Alzheimers medication.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 9:16 AM on November 19, 2007

william boot wrote:

On the bright side, he's also unable to remember that his wife is responsible for President George Bush.

Or Chief Justice Roberts who will no doubt ruin more lives during his tenure than all the dementia on earth.
posted by any major dude at 9:17 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Really touching story.

The man and woman at the heart of this story are incapable of giving informed consent for its publication.

Uh, it's kind of crucial to journalism that people don't have to give consent to be written about. The couple's son has chosen to speak about his life, and the people in it, to a TV station.
posted by game warden to the events rhino at 9:30 AM on November 19, 2007

I got about 15 minutes into Away From Her but had to turn it off, as people kept speaking Literary Fiction Dialogue.

Whatever agreement the writers hammer out with the producers, I hope it includes a clause that requires David Mamet's involvement in any Alice Munro adaptation.
posted by stupidsexyFlanders at 9:43 AM on November 19, 2007

i can't believe anyone would be upset about the publication of this story. no, the principles can't give consent, but their responsible parties can (and apparently did). and wondering if sandra day is hurt by the 'affair?' i can't begin to imagine. if anything, i imagine she'd be more hurt by the fact that the man with whom she's spent so many years might not even recognize her.

i've seen dementia too many times in family members and loved ones. it ain't pretty. the feeling of helplessness i've had watching them stuggle to remember something they never will while being cognizant enough to know that they should, is heartbreaking. although not one of those people was my significant other (so i have no frame of reference from that standpoint), they were all people i loved. and if something--ANYthing--made one of those people happy, it made me happy, too.
posted by msconduct at 9:52 AM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Well, fantastic. SHE may not be hurt by it, but most everybody else here on planet Earth is going to experience no little discomfort. Think of it! She hands her seat on the bench to W because her moral duty is to spend more time with her husband and here we find out the husband has made other arrangements. He gets a new squeeze, the U.S. and the rest of the world get Scalito. Anybody who heralds the readvent of pre-feminist ideals like the number one duty of womenses is to care for their famblies 'cause without the hand to rock the cradle it's a coldcold world should have to spend the coming decades-long era of civil rights rollbacks and freemarket justice taking a second look at that inane notion.

Anybody else--Anybody else! With any other job! In the entire world!--quitting his/her job to take care of his/her spouse would have been a fine and noble thing to do. But it is not fine and noble to quit your job when your job is to be one of five non-crazy people in a nine-person group that is uniquely posititioned to stop a bunch of real-life Steven Spielberg villains from, basically, firing a planet into a sun. It was an actual instance of that Jack Bauer situation everybody keeps on bringing up to justify all the waterboardin' fun--do we have the right to do X terrible thing if it could save X precious thing? In the case where X terrible thing is "torture a person " and X precious thing is "The population of Los Angeles!" the answer is "no." When X terrible thing is "break your own heart and your beloved's by leaving him alone as the lights go out" and X precious thing is "civil rights in the US and the rest of the world and the chance to put the brakes on insane, mindless corporate glomming in time to prevent the extinction of the species and the rendering uninhabitable of the surface of the planet?" then the answer is "yeah, prolly."
posted by Don Pepino at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

don pepino, you're putting a lot of responsibility on one person. one 77-year-old person. and just because she's being gracious about this new paradigm with her husband doesn't mean that she doesn't have other things on her mind that might distract her a bit from saving all of (wo)mankind.
posted by msconduct at 10:48 AM on November 19, 2007

Don pepino - I can't decide if that's serious or not... but damn, that's harsh.
posted by dpx.mfx at 10:51 AM on November 19, 2007

Great post. I'd read the Times story, but the other links gave important background and context. I admire the lady.
posted by languagehat at 10:52 AM on November 19, 2007

Oh, and Do Not Feed the Don.
posted by languagehat at 10:52 AM on November 19, 2007

Did anyone hear about Harriet Myers and Robert Bork in the judge's ante-chambers?
posted by localhuman at 10:56 AM on November 19, 2007

Slow yer roll, Don Pepito. It's not her duty to serve until she physically is unable. Did you ever think that she decided to leave to be with ther family not because she is a woman an it's her "duty," but because she'd like to spend time with her husband and perhaps the rest of her family in her remaining years? She's 77 for chrissakes.

I hold you responsible for working until you die because your replacement might suck.
posted by fructose at 11:00 AM on November 19, 2007

I've always thought if I look to be getting the Alzheimer's I'll decide it's time, go on vacation for a bit, and then off myself. Does this, too, make me an asshole?
posted by TheOnlyCoolTim at 11:00 AM on November 19, 2007

Here's a movie idea: An older married guy pretends to have Alzheimer's in order to have affairs in full view of his forced-to-be-supportive wife.  Surely it would be typecasting to suggest Larry David for the main role, but how great would that be?
posted by Ian A.T. at 11:09 AM on November 19, 2007 [3 favorites]

Uh, it's kind of crucial to journalism that people don't have to give consent to be written about. The couple's son has chosen to speak about his life, and the people in it, to a TV station.

If this were hard news, I'd agree with you. But it's a feature, it's "awwww" fluff. It's a call for donations to Alzheimer's research. It's not news.
posted by Carol Anne at 12:21 PM on November 19, 2007

This is one of those stories I really wish hadn't been picked up by the media.

This. As much as I'm moved by the story, I have to wonder about the person or people who felt it was necessary to alert the media to its existence.
posted by Slothrup at 12:29 PM on November 19, 2007

I know that it is not particularly gentle to complain that this poor person failed to be superhuman and I am aware that were I a supreme court justice as opposed to a fry cook (not intended to denigrate fry cooks or call them all trolls) I could be counted on one hundred percent of the time to do the notsuperhuman thing. I am not saying she made an ignoble decision--and maybe she couldn't make any other decision. Maybe she couldn't even have done her job had she tried to stay on and do her job. But--and I guess I'm alone in this, whether because I'm a sociopath or because all of you are unusually high minded--I can't help thinking about what's good for me. And it sucks very hard for me, not to mention everybody else in the world, that Sandra Day O'Connor made the decision she made. This new wrinkle, although it makes it a way better, far sadder story, makes it no easier to bear. I do feel sorry for her and I don't blame her. I wish there were something like an understudy system, or a high-court temporary agency so that justices could live like human beings, not paragons of virtue. That no quarter is allowed them for human frailty has recently been proved to be practically the worst oversight in the history of the world, not because Sandra Day O'Connor is suffering, but because now we're all screwed.

The story of what will happen to the world because Sandra Day O'Connor quit is many times more dire than the story of how events the world conspired against Sandra Day O'Connor and forced her to quit, but it's less sad. It's because it's out of human scale--the same way a dog getting run over is sadder than Rwanda. I do realize it's extremely tasteless to point that out.

If there is even one neuron in anybody's brain firing off the moronic message "she did the right thing--she's a wife" (as opposed to "she did what she had to--she's a human being") then that person should have that part of their brain excised, that's all.
posted by Don Pepino at 1:31 PM on November 19, 2007 [4 favorites]

“But it is not fine and noble to quit your job when your job is to be one of five non-crazy people in a nine-person group that is uniquely posititioned to stop a bunch of real-life Steven Spielberg villains from, basically, firing a planet into a sun.”

I wouldn’t torture to save L.A. and if it means the world will go to hell if I don’t forsake my wife when she is sick, then the world burns. My pardon, but fuck all y’all. You don’t like what’s happening you can pick the damn burden up for your self become a judge and work your way to the supreme court or whatever else it takes. Don’t bitch about someone who’s done far more than most when called upon to public service when they need to leave it.

I remember watching a star trek deep space nine episode where Warf (the Klingon) goes on a mission with his wife (yeah, stupid from the start I know, but it’s just a show) his wife gets hurt and he has to make a decision - save her life or let hundreds of thousands of colonists possibly die.
Before I met my wife, I would have said ‘everything for the mission.’ And meant it. I’d die, I’d send men to die, whatever it took. And I’ve done some serious things.
But now I look at her with my children and I know, I’d let the Earth crack and burn before I leave her side when she’s old and lost.
But you know, it shouldn’t have to burn. I’m the guy who did a good deal of fighting the good fight, most folks are the other guy. I still do what I can. But I don’t think after years of public service (whether anyone agrees with it or not), spending the embers of your life taking care of your spouse while maybe someone else plugs in and busts their own ass is too damned much to ask.
I think this was a touching story and it doesn't matter whether she's a woman or not, she loves her spouse. That's enough.
posted by Smedleyman at 3:07 PM on November 19, 2007

The other thing to remember about O'Connor retiring is that she didn't retire the second he was diagnosed, I want to say he'd been ill for almost a decade before she retired. So she didn't exactly drop everything the moment she heard, not that I really would have blamed her if she did, being a Supreme Court Justice is a pretty all consuming job (except for those nice long recesses) I have no doubt that she has had a pretty grueling schedule for the majority of their marriage, so maybe there comes a point where you say for once my career doesn't come first. I realize that being a Supreme Court Justice is more than just a career it's an incredibly important public position, but at some point you have to be able to walk away and do what you need to do for your family. Although I have to say that if she had been planning this retirement for some time, and it seems likely that she had been, she couldn't have picked a much worse time. I also have to wonder that if Rehnquist had died before and not after she announced her retirement if she still would have retired. However, that might be giving her too much credit.
posted by whoaali at 3:10 PM on November 19, 2007

Do not feed the Don.

My dad is in early stages of some kind of dementia. It's to the point where anybody who's known him awhile can tell, and it's really frustrating because he's still quite able to cope with certain things including bookkeeping, e-mail, and driving, yet he has no memory of a family-favorite dinner dish, and doesn't know that "Cheer" is a detergent or that "iron supplement" is for your diet and not your clothes. We realize it's only a matter of time.

His brother, some years older, has been in decline longer -- probably accelerated by alcoholism. Now that he's in assisted living he's no longer on the sauce and has more good days than bad. And by the way (he's a widower), he's got a new squeeze, the rake.

Anyway, kudos to Justice O'Connor. Caregivers need role models, and these things need to be spoken of publicly.

The only other good Alzheimer's movie I know is The Notebook.
posted by dhartung at 3:28 PM on November 19, 2007

(I don’t know that Don Pepino is trolling. I think he’s got a serious point. Certainly I vehemently disagree with it, but it appears to be in earnest.)
posted by Smedleyman at 4:08 PM on November 19, 2007

Smedleyman, ditto. I would let the world burn while I took care of my own, too. It is that, along with my tendency to ask, "WWWarfD?" every time I have a hard decision to make that renders me unfit to pick up the damn burden and be a supreme court justice. I guess what I'm saying here is, too bad the course of human events is directed by humans. Bummer. But not really a reason to keep endlessly yammering and derailing the thread. Sorry...
posted by Don Pepino at 4:26 PM on November 19, 2007

I suppose the counterpoint to that would be - would any of those folks truly obsessed by power leave to take care of their loved one(s)? I think it’s those acts of kindness that are more important. Those, to me, are the proper business of the human race and are more rightly called human affairs. This business of politics and industry and the like are just necessary evils to get roads built and such. Where government acts in harmony with that compassion, it can be sublime, but that’s so rarely the case. And yet, it’s what so many of us want and are told we’re going to get by folks seeking power...and we still don’t.
I think it’s nice to see someone put the sword down (the sword being the symbol of power) and take care of home. Someone who does it, not merely gives lip service. And really I think that’s what gets things that matter done. Doesn’t really matter if you’re a Dem or GOPer or you won or lost, in the end you have the people you love and who love you, or, you don’t.
posted by Smedleyman at 5:47 PM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

I hold you responsible for working until you die because your replacement might suck.

For those of us without forceful and direct influence on the course of the United States (and indeed the world), then yes, I agree that this is an absurd position.

But, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. Or perhaps, with absurdly great power comes absurdly great responsibility.
posted by notswedish at 5:59 PM on November 19, 2007 [1 favorite]

Warf = Worf

/trekkie
posted by Locative at 10:35 PM on November 19, 2007