We see a man and woman kiss
April 21, 2008 12:02 PM Subscribe
Kids-in-mind "provides parents and other adults with objective and complete information about a film's content so that they can decide, based on their own value system, whether they should watch a movie with or without their kids." Informative AND unintentionally hilarious! From the somewhat kid-friendly Ratatouille (A rat smokes a mushroom over a chimney, and with another rat they are struck by lightning, thrown from the roof and to the ground (they have electrified fur but are otherwise OK).) to more decidedly non-kid-friendly fare, and everything in between.
What's the verdict on your favorite movie?
What's the verdict on your favorite movie?
This is excellent fodder for name-the-movie games.
A few people are knocked unconscious, some are knocked off a cliff by a wolf, a girl bites a boy's arm, some people are kicked, a boy is flung into a lake by a boar, a girl steps on a man's face and men beat others with hoes and clubs.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
A few people are knocked unconscious, some are knocked off a cliff by a wolf, a girl bites a boy's arm, some people are kicked, a boy is flung into a lake by a boar, a girl steps on a man's face and men beat others with hoes and clubs.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Rambo is not kid-friendly? My childhood begs to differ.
posted by cecilkorik at 12:10 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by cecilkorik at 12:10 PM on April 21, 2008
My wife is very sensitive to violent content, so I consult this site whenever we want to watch a movie together. It's really quite useful.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:12 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:12 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Why would they even bother rating "Zombie Strippers"? I'm thinking that the title would be enough to let me know that it is probably not "kid friendly"...
posted by tadellin at 12:12 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by tadellin at 12:12 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
christ, that's a lot of popups.
posted by boo_radley at 12:17 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by boo_radley at 12:17 PM on April 21, 2008
So this is kind of like CAPAlert without the LOLCHRISTIANS? Becuase it's totally the LOLCHRISTIANS that makes CAPAlert worthwhile. That and teh bonker explanation of their scoring system.
posted by Artw at 12:18 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
posted by Artw at 12:18 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
This is just excellent.
A man yells and throws things around in a hamburger shop threatening to burn it down.
Satan (he's a large, red, horned creature) sprouts out of the ground, it threatens two men, and they argue and compete with each other.
A male mouse accidentally pulls a female mouse's pants off and we see her modest underwear. Some female mouse characters wear tight clothing and shake their behinds.
A woman barrels through a door, runs into a bee hive, is covered with honey, is chased by a swarm of bees, runs through a pillow and is covered with feathers and ends up hanging from a tree as a piñata and is whacked by children with sticks. A man pounds a llama on the head with a heavy bowl, knocks him out, stuffs him in a sack and tosses the sack into a stream which leads to a high waterfall.
Wheeeee.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:19 PM on April 21, 2008
A man yells and throws things around in a hamburger shop threatening to burn it down.
Satan (he's a large, red, horned creature) sprouts out of the ground, it threatens two men, and they argue and compete with each other.
A male mouse accidentally pulls a female mouse's pants off and we see her modest underwear. Some female mouse characters wear tight clothing and shake their behinds.
A woman barrels through a door, runs into a bee hive, is covered with honey, is chased by a swarm of bees, runs through a pillow and is covered with feathers and ends up hanging from a tree as a piñata and is whacked by children with sticks. A man pounds a llama on the head with a heavy bowl, knocks him out, stuffs him in a sack and tosses the sack into a stream which leads to a high waterfall.
Wheeeee.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:19 PM on April 21, 2008
What a day it is for "Later, they fight a yeti" posts.
posted by Spatch at 12:21 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Spatch at 12:21 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
A man jumps from a platform and flips over another man who slashes him with a saber cutting off his legs and an arm: the wounded man lies on the ground, near a river of molten lava, moaning, and he begins to slip; his legs (what's left of them) catch fire, his body catches fire, we see him engulfed in flames, see his tortured face and hear him scream in agony, and when the flames go out he continues to smolder and we see his charred and bloody skin as he drags himself away.
It's as if George Lucas wrote it himself.
posted by bjork24 at 12:24 PM on April 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
It's as if George Lucas wrote it himself.
posted by bjork24 at 12:24 PM on April 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
The attention to potentially offensive sounds in the 300 review is cracking me up (we hear squealing).
posted by bjork24 at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by bjork24 at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008
Someone [*] really needs to breakdown these movie reviews alongside those of the Maoist International Movement.
They're not really all that different, in some ways. To wit, from their respective reviews of The Matrix:
[*] Note-- Someone with more patience and followthrough than I.
posted by dersins at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
They're not really all that different, in some ways. To wit, from their respective reviews of The Matrix:
1. MESSAGE - One must look inside one's self to embrace the daunting responsibility of saving the earth from a super cyber-intelligence."as opposed to:
DIALECTICS-- The humyn resistance thus faces two dialectical truths: 1) It must struggle to know its own history or be kept in the dark by the oppressor.Fun for the whole (revolutionary) family!
[*] Note-- Someone with more patience and followthrough than I.
posted by dersins at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
Men in a cave are trapped in a room and hear creatures approaching (screaming, trampling and drumming), arrows fly past their heads, a sword fight breaks out, an evil creature is stabbed in the eye with an arrow, there's a beheading, and evil creatures swing chains.
Look out! They've got chains!
I can see the utility of the site, but some of the descriptions are quite amusing. I mean, we've got a sword fight breaking out, but creatures are being stabbed by arrows and chains are being swung...there's no context, no continuity - scenes are jumbled up, mixed together, and pulled out of order. I guess that's what I'm finding so fun with it.
Interesting find, thanks.
posted by never used baby shoes at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008
Look out! They've got chains!
I can see the utility of the site, but some of the descriptions are quite amusing. I mean, we've got a sword fight breaking out, but creatures are being stabbed by arrows and chains are being swung...there's no context, no continuity - scenes are jumbled up, mixed together, and pulled out of order. I guess that's what I'm finding so fun with it.
Interesting find, thanks.
posted by never used baby shoes at 12:27 PM on April 21, 2008
A frenzied ferret is thrown into a tub with a man and nearly scratches and hurts the man as a result.
posted by c:\awesome at 12:30 PM on April 21, 2008 [4 favorites]
posted by c:\awesome at 12:30 PM on April 21, 2008 [4 favorites]
the nun rides a hobby horse erotically (like she's humping it) Quills
I love how they have to explain just how she is riding it erotically.
posted by Brainy at 12:31 PM on April 21, 2008
I love how they have to explain just how she is riding it erotically.
posted by Brainy at 12:31 PM on April 21, 2008
You know, I'm a dad, and I find this sort of information to be really useful. I'm sure that at some point it could come in handy. (Though they are awfully verbose aren't they?)
But, did they really need to mention this " A young man is shown in running shorts in several scenes (bare legs to the thigh)."? Wasn't that was last considered sexual content in like the 1800's?
posted by oddman at 12:32 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
But, did they really need to mention this " A young man is shown in running shorts in several scenes (bare legs to the thigh)."? Wasn't that was last considered sexual content in like the 1800's?
posted by oddman at 12:32 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
If you can't imagine off the top of your head a dozen or so different erotic ways to ride a horse then Oh dear! I've said too much already.
posted by Wolfdog at 12:35 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Wolfdog at 12:35 PM on April 21, 2008
BTW, if anyone wants to inadvertently traumatize a four-year old I can definitely recommend the DVD of Planet Earth, especially the bit when, after we see lots of lovely animals and landscapes and stuff, a cute baby deer-thing is mercilessly hunted down by wolves and eventually brought down. Quite a bit of uncomfortable explaining after that, I can tell you.
The cave full of gross creatures living in a huge mound of bat-poop, on the other hand, went over really well.
posted by Artw at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2008
The cave full of gross creatures living in a huge mound of bat-poop, on the other hand, went over really well.
posted by Artw at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2008
Damn you dersins, my joke was "lacks a class analysis."
posted by Abiezer at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Abiezer at 12:36 PM on April 21, 2008
If you haven't seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, don't read the commentary. It's funnier to be very slightly surprised. (And, I should add, it's much funnier than I expected it to be.)
Also, I'm a little disappointed they don't have ratings of the movies that basically raised me: Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Spaceballs. Spaceballs, in particular, I watched at least 50 times when the library got it on VHS.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:47 PM on April 21, 2008
Also, I'm a little disappointed they don't have ratings of the movies that basically raised me: Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, and Spaceballs. Spaceballs, in particular, I watched at least 50 times when the library got it on VHS.
posted by uncleozzy at 12:47 PM on April 21, 2008
(Also, note the page title when you search for a movie.)
posted by uncleozzy at 12:48 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by uncleozzy at 12:48 PM on April 21, 2008
Did they really have to give away every frickin scene in Shortbus?
(On the other hand, the reviewer sure was paying attention.)
posted by monospace at 12:50 PM on April 21, 2008
(On the other hand, the reviewer sure was paying attention.)
posted by monospace at 12:50 PM on April 21, 2008
A man shoots a man in the head and he falls face first on a desk, he shoots a woman in the back (we see two bloody bullet holes on her back), another man in the chest, as well as a vacuum cleaner which sparks.
I don't want my children exposed to violence against vacuum cleaners.
posted by slimepuppy at 12:54 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
I don't want my children exposed to violence against vacuum cleaners.
posted by slimepuppy at 12:54 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
On a related note, as a parent of 4 one thing I actually find useful are the reviews published by the US Conference of Catholic Bishops. While they do list the "naughty bits" at the end of reviews, they are generally intelligent and obviously written by a person or people who know film.
posted by cgk at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by cgk at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2008
An Inconvenient Truth [2006] [PG]
Violence & Gore: 3
I remember significantly more Gore in in this movie.
posted by Kabanos at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2008 [11 favorites]
Violence & Gore: 3
I remember significantly more Gore in in this movie.
posted by Kabanos at 12:57 PM on April 21, 2008 [11 favorites]
33 F-words and its derivatives, 4 scatological terms, 2 anatomical terms, 7 mild obscenities, name-calling (stupid), 4 religious exclamations.
Name calling is stupid.
posted by owtytrof at 1:02 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Name calling is stupid.
posted by owtytrof at 1:02 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
"DISCUSSION TOPICS - Exotic dancing, viruses, zombies, re-animation of tissue, fads, evil, spread of viruses, dreams, sins, morals, conforming, racism, purity."
Zombie Strippers really allowed my family to have that all-important discussion about our values (specifically related to racism and exotic dancing) as well as science (viruses, zombies). These topics can be awkward to bring up out of the blue, but are important to discuss. Thanks, Sony Pictures!
posted by dismas at 1:03 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
Zombie Strippers really allowed my family to have that all-important discussion about our values (specifically related to racism and exotic dancing) as well as science (viruses, zombies). These topics can be awkward to bring up out of the blue, but are important to discuss. Thanks, Sony Pictures!
posted by dismas at 1:03 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
A woman asks a man to demonstrate on a banana how he performs oral sex on a man, and then she demonstrates for him -- she licks and kisses the banana, describes what she is doing in graphic terms and we see the man pressed against a porthole with his pants down, yelling and a man outside with some goo on his face (suggesting that the man has ejaculated out the window).
posted by uncleozzy at 1:05 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by uncleozzy at 1:05 PM on April 21, 2008
From "Superbad" : "Two teenage boys lie in sleeping bags next to each other (they appear slightly drunk), profess their love for each other and they hug (nothing sexual is implied)"
it's okay, parents! it's not gay!
posted by dismas at 1:06 PM on April 21, 2008
it's okay, parents! it's not gay!
posted by dismas at 1:06 PM on April 21, 2008
Great find. Gold mine of quips, bookmarked.
Two men have an uncomfortable and tense conversation and it appears that if not for a lucky flip of a coin that one of the men would have ended up killing the other one.
A man puts his comb in his mouth then drags it through his hair, then puts saliva on his fingers and smoothes it on his hair.
A young man has a bowel movement and we hear flatulent sounds and see him wiping himself, a young man picks his nose, and a woman vomits into a bucket. A straw man collapses in flames, and a young man punches a pumpkin.
posted by porn in the woods at 1:15 PM on April 21, 2008
Two men have an uncomfortable and tense conversation and it appears that if not for a lucky flip of a coin that one of the men would have ended up killing the other one.
A man puts his comb in his mouth then drags it through his hair, then puts saliva on his fingers and smoothes it on his hair.
A young man has a bowel movement and we hear flatulent sounds and see him wiping himself, a young man picks his nose, and a woman vomits into a bucket. A straw man collapses in flames, and a young man punches a pumpkin.
posted by porn in the woods at 1:15 PM on April 21, 2008
A straw man collapses in flames,
Wait, they reviewed Metafilter?
posted by dersins at 1:16 PM on April 21, 2008 [13 favorites]
Wait, they reviewed Metafilter?
posted by dersins at 1:16 PM on April 21, 2008 [13 favorites]
Zombie Strippers
MESSAGE: Zombies can do anything.
Oh good! A positive message for a traditionally marginalized group. The kids will love this!
posted by Kabanos at 1:23 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
MESSAGE: Zombies can do anything.
Oh good! A positive message for a traditionally marginalized group. The kids will love this!
posted by Kabanos at 1:23 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
A straw man collapses in flames
Uh, guys, the hint is in the title.
I just love the clinical breakdown of the movies with little to no regard on subtext. In The Mood for Love gets a "SEX/NUDITY 2 - A man holds a woman while she cries (comforting, non-sexual). A woman affectionately touches a man on the shoulder."
posted by slimepuppy at 1:26 PM on April 21, 2008
Uh, guys, the hint is in the title.
I just love the clinical breakdown of the movies with little to no regard on subtext. In The Mood for Love gets a "SEX/NUDITY 2 - A man holds a woman while she cries (comforting, non-sexual). A woman affectionately touches a man on the shoulder."
posted by slimepuppy at 1:26 PM on April 21, 2008
Ah, crap, I thought the straw man thing was from a review of the Wicker Man. Ignore me.
posted by slimepuppy at 1:29 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by slimepuppy at 1:29 PM on April 21, 2008
Why does Jackass leap to mind?
A brief glimpse of several men's private parts: we see testicles, testicles and penises, and anuses; while we see patches of flesh, nothing is discernible in its entirety. Men are bare-chested in many scenes, and one man appears in a thong several times exposing his buttocks (we linger on the man's private parts in a couple of scenes).
Two men pretend to be masturbating with sea cucumbers and the cucumbers spray out a white liquid. Two men rub against a whale suggestively. A man is dressed in a penis-shaped suit.
A mountain lion bats at a man in a mouse costume. Two men fall through a ceiling pretending to be robbers. A man puts a toy car into his anus: we see him get an X-ray and then later we see the car after he has had a bowel movement.
posted by gottabefunky at 1:35 PM on April 21, 2008
A brief glimpse of several men's private parts: we see testicles, testicles and penises, and anuses; while we see patches of flesh, nothing is discernible in its entirety. Men are bare-chested in many scenes, and one man appears in a thong several times exposing his buttocks (we linger on the man's private parts in a couple of scenes).
Two men pretend to be masturbating with sea cucumbers and the cucumbers spray out a white liquid. Two men rub against a whale suggestively. A man is dressed in a penis-shaped suit.
A mountain lion bats at a man in a mouse costume. Two men fall through a ceiling pretending to be robbers. A man puts a toy car into his anus: we see him get an X-ray and then later we see the car after he has had a bowel movement.
posted by gottabefunky at 1:35 PM on April 21, 2008
gottabefunky, that's awesome. Reads like a passage from a W.S. Burroughs novel.
posted by naju at 1:44 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by naju at 1:44 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
Why not just consult mrskin.com and avoid any movie it rates positively?
posted by Pastabagel at 1:46 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Pastabagel at 1:46 PM on April 21, 2008
A man pulls a whole banana with two cherries on the end out of a mixed drink and puts it in his mouth (there is a sexual reference as to what it looks like).
They forgot to say "IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS AND TESTICLES". What are their readers supposed to do with such limited information?
posted by goatdog at 1:47 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
They forgot to say "IT LOOKS LIKE A PENIS AND TESTICLES". What are their readers supposed to do with such limited information?
posted by goatdog at 1:47 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
oddman: "But, did they really need to mention this " A young man is shown in running shorts in several scenes (bare legs to the thigh)."? Wasn't that was last considered sexual content in like the 1800's?"
Nope. There are plenty of people, mainstream Americans, who don't want to see men's legs. I'm thinking of the BYU dress code, for example, which says shorts should be at least knee-length. Or Orthodox Jews -- don't they have similar ideas of modesty?
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:55 PM on April 21, 2008
Nope. There are plenty of people, mainstream Americans, who don't want to see men's legs. I'm thinking of the BYU dress code, for example, which says shorts should be at least knee-length. Or Orthodox Jews -- don't they have similar ideas of modesty?
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:55 PM on April 21, 2008
Whoa! Endless supply of roleplaying game event descriptions!
You press your ear against the wall. There is a smattering of scatological language.posted by Anything at 2:00 PM on April 21, 2008 [5 favorites]
You enter the bar. A woman kicks a door down, sprays beer on electrical equipment and people, then pounces on a man and holds him down with her foot while yelling at him. Awareness check!
You throw the rock. It's a hit. A bolt comes loose on the Jamaican team's bobsled, causing it to careen on its side with the bobsledders helmets scraping along the ice, but they end up okay.
Presumably if you fed all of these into a Markov chain text generator it would actually write a better and more coherent movie than Pirates of the Caribbean III.
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 2:03 PM on April 21, 2008
In several scenes we see couples engaged in sexual intercourse: we see several different sexual positions, we see them thrusting up and down, and hear them grunting and making other noises and we also hear their explicit sexual talk during intercourse; we see a man and woman having sex in several different positions, and we see a woman on top of a man making very loud sexual noises as she moves back and forth (she has a T-shirt on).
It's like the world's most boring porn.
posted by bibliowench at 2:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
It's like the world's most boring porn.
posted by bibliowench at 2:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
A woman barrels through a door, runs into a bee hive, is covered with honey, is chased by a swarm of bees, runs through a pillow and is covered with feathers and ends up hanging from a tree as a piñata and is whacked by children with sticks. A man pounds a llama on the head with a heavy bowl, knocks him out, stuffs him in a sack and tosses the sack into a stream which leads to a high waterfall.
OK, who the hell set up a webcam in my bedroom?
posted by The Bellman at 2:10 PM on April 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
OK, who the hell set up a webcam in my bedroom?
posted by The Bellman at 2:10 PM on April 21, 2008 [3 favorites]
I can see how this would be useful, but what bugs the hell out of me is the complete lack of context and almost total lack of actually discussing the movie's positive qualities. The Shawshank Redemption, for instance, rates a 7-7-7 (Jackpot, I guess?) With only this information, I'd choose something more "family-friendly" for my kids* to watch, because I know nothing of all the reasons why they should check it out, only the obsessively detailed and anal-retentive reasons they shouldn't.
*hypothetical kids
posted by Navelgazer at 2:12 PM on April 21, 2008
*hypothetical kids
posted by Navelgazer at 2:12 PM on April 21, 2008
Ah, see, it's objective!
It's like a food labeling system which tells you what a food item contains. That's it. We make no judgments about what is good or bad or anything else. Indeed, we do not "condemn," "critique" or "criticize" movies. And we don't "praise" or "recommend" movies either. We advance no "beliefs" and we do not "preach" anything. We are not affiliated with any political party, any cultural or religious group, or any ideology. The only thing we advocate is responsible, engaged parenting.
…and a profoundly mechanistic world view, at least as far as movies are concerned.
posted by Artw at 2:20 PM on April 21, 2008
It's like a food labeling system which tells you what a food item contains. That's it. We make no judgments about what is good or bad or anything else. Indeed, we do not "condemn," "critique" or "criticize" movies. And we don't "praise" or "recommend" movies either. We advance no "beliefs" and we do not "preach" anything. We are not affiliated with any political party, any cultural or religious group, or any ideology. The only thing we advocate is responsible, engaged parenting.
…and a profoundly mechanistic world view, at least as far as movies are concerned.
posted by Artw at 2:20 PM on April 21, 2008
CAP Alert, which I mentioned above, makes a similar deal about how just counting the number of things is the only way to get an objective view, and you shouldn’t be led astray by things like context or message. The Passion gave them a bit of trouble though, as they clearly wanted to make allowances for it.
posted by Artw at 2:30 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Artw at 2:30 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
I would like to such a description of Turkish Star Wars. Then I could die, fulfilled.
posted by everichon at 2:47 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by everichon at 2:47 PM on April 21, 2008
As much as this bothers ma, I must admit I've gotten a little addicted to it already. But yeah, as Artw is saying, this is a kind of lying through statistics, or at least hiding great bias behind them. By listing these things out of context (while claiming that they pass no judgment, perhaps ignoring their #-#-# rubric) they're presenting these aspects already prejudged as something to find offense in. The times they do provide some minimal context simply prove the point further, as they're either trying to show that something is really, really bad, or else that it really isn't but they thought in all fairness they should mention it. That's not so much of a problem, to me, in that at least it offers some subjective - and more helpful - editorial review, but to claim that there's no judgment is absurd.
Moreover, the only thing it can help a parent do is to find something unobjectionable, which is far from finding something quality. Watching a film, especially as a child, should provide a positive experience, not just simply not a negative one. Counting all the breasts and F-bombs definitely serves some purpose, but it's not even close to the whole picture.
What I'd prefer, if I were a parent, would be a guide written by a large group of thoughtful, intelligent, and concerned parents, set-up akin to Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic, which could provide a quick access to those parents' thoughts on how to weigh both the positive and possibly objectionable parts of any given film. The reader would then come to know which contributers they trust more than others, and make more informed, better choices.
I guess I'm just saying that MeFi could do this a lot better.
Also, it's missing the Princess Bride. Just sayin'.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:02 PM on April 21, 2008
Moreover, the only thing it can help a parent do is to find something unobjectionable, which is far from finding something quality. Watching a film, especially as a child, should provide a positive experience, not just simply not a negative one. Counting all the breasts and F-bombs definitely serves some purpose, but it's not even close to the whole picture.
What I'd prefer, if I were a parent, would be a guide written by a large group of thoughtful, intelligent, and concerned parents, set-up akin to Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic, which could provide a quick access to those parents' thoughts on how to weigh both the positive and possibly objectionable parts of any given film. The reader would then come to know which contributers they trust more than others, and make more informed, better choices.
I guess I'm just saying that MeFi could do this a lot better.
Also, it's missing the Princess Bride. Just sayin'.
posted by Navelgazer at 3:02 PM on April 21, 2008
If you rent He Got Game from Rogers Video up here in Canada, the "Objectionable Content" write-up on the back of the box warns you that "Jesus has sex with two women."
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:03 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by The Card Cheat at 3:03 PM on April 21, 2008
Something along the lines Navelgazer mentions would be a heck of a lot more useful.
posted by Artw at 3:18 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 3:18 PM on April 21, 2008
Well CAP ALERT makes the effort to point out that American Psycho has scenes of men lusting after each others business cards so I think that's still got the edge.
However they seem to think that the new Halloween is like the most dangerous film in the history of cinema. I was trying to forget it exists but after that I'm tempted to check it out...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:44 PM on April 21, 2008
However they seem to think that the new Halloween is like the most dangerous film in the history of cinema. I was trying to forget it exists but after that I'm tempted to check it out...
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 3:44 PM on April 21, 2008
Oh yes, CAP Alert always wins. It’s like the Batman of batshitinsane movie reviews.
posted by Artw at 3:52 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 3:52 PM on April 21, 2008
Thank you (bb|[^b]{2}), and thank you all. I have never laughed with the blue as much as I have for this post, and these comments.
posted by boymilo at 4:17 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by boymilo at 4:17 PM on April 21, 2008
Ah, crap, I thought the straw man thing was from a review of the Wicker Man. Ignore me.
It's from the extremely decadent Roger Avery film Rules of Attraction (2002).
Goodness, this site delivers in SPADES every time. I wish they would tackle The Aristocrats.
A man talks about high school hazing incidents that include stripping boys of their clothing and shoving them into the girls' locker room, and inserting a pickle into a boy's anus.
We see turtles mating on a TV screen. People talk about a man and a woman having sex in a public market place. People remark about the size of a man's endowment. A woman says that she forgot to take her birth control pill.
posted by porn in the woods at 4:27 PM on April 21, 2008
It's from the extremely decadent Roger Avery film Rules of Attraction (2002).
Goodness, this site delivers in SPADES every time. I wish they would tackle The Aristocrats.
A man talks about high school hazing incidents that include stripping boys of their clothing and shoving them into the girls' locker room, and inserting a pickle into a boy's anus.
We see turtles mating on a TV screen. People talk about a man and a woman having sex in a public market place. People remark about the size of a man's endowment. A woman says that she forgot to take her birth control pill.
posted by porn in the woods at 4:27 PM on April 21, 2008
The snake spits up a dead monkey and a slightly chewed-up man.
This so so addictive.
I also love the brilliant incisive message tacked on the end... 'War is bad' and the like.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:28 PM on April 21, 2008
This so so addictive.
I also love the brilliant incisive message tacked on the end... 'War is bad' and the like.
posted by fearfulsymmetry at 4:28 PM on April 21, 2008
Well, yeah, it *IS* kind of funny that they have spotty coverage of actual children’s movies, possibly because they spent the time counting all the bad things in Cabin Fever or Dogville, which you’re probably not going to let your kids watch.
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
You also have to love the "message" tacked onto the end of the Pulp Fiction review: Life is random.
I agree that Pulp FIction is not for children, but the reason the movie works so well is that, after all this violence, the end chapter deals with a hitman deciding that God has shown him the way towards peace, at which point he diffuses what could have been a disastous and bloody situation with sacrifice and well-chosen words.
Yup: "Life is Random." That's the only point to be taken from Pulp Fiction.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
I agree that Pulp FIction is not for children, but the reason the movie works so well is that, after all this violence, the end chapter deals with a hitman deciding that God has shown him the way towards peace, at which point he diffuses what could have been a disastous and bloody situation with sacrifice and well-chosen words.
Yup: "Life is Random." That's the only point to be taken from Pulp Fiction.
posted by Navelgazer at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
(that was in response to the lack of an Aristocats review)
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
This is hilarious for so many reasons. I think just about all of them have been put into words for me upthread, but god is this funny.
A woman is wrapped by barbed wire around the wrists and lifted into the air (she screams and blood drips from her wounds); other lengths of wire make their way under her skirt (blood pours from between her legs), wire comes back out through her chest (blood pours and sprays and she screams) and the lengths of barbed wire pull and tear her body in half (blood pours and sprays).
That bit grossed even me out, but reading this just doesn't do it justice. Nevertheless, sitting in a movie theatre hearing someone read this would potentially have been more enjoyable.
posted by Acey at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
A woman is wrapped by barbed wire around the wrists and lifted into the air (she screams and blood drips from her wounds); other lengths of wire make their way under her skirt (blood pours from between her legs), wire comes back out through her chest (blood pours and sprays and she screams) and the lengths of barbed wire pull and tear her body in half (blood pours and sprays).
That bit grossed even me out, but reading this just doesn't do it justice. Nevertheless, sitting in a movie theatre hearing someone read this would potentially have been more enjoyable.
posted by Acey at 4:56 PM on April 21, 2008
Heh. Yes, that was a little gross. Silent Hill was much much better than a videogame movie deserves to be though, except when it hits a huge expedition-dump and everything falls to pieces.
posted by Artw at 5:00 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by Artw at 5:00 PM on April 21, 2008
People throw bottles at three people who are making noise in a street late at night.
The Gore/Violence section of HOSTEL
Really. Do you need to add that? I mean the shooting the vacuum thing is one thing, but are you going to choose THAT scene from the movie to discuss how not to be violent to others?
posted by mrzarquon at 5:24 PM on April 21, 2008
The Gore/Violence section of HOSTEL
Really. Do you need to add that? I mean the shooting the vacuum thing is one thing, but are you going to choose THAT scene from the movie to discuss how not to be violent to others?
posted by mrzarquon at 5:24 PM on April 21, 2008
A woman glows and is sucked into a model of the sun. Reckless driving.
I really wouldn't want my future kids to be scared by the reckless driving in Tomb Raider.
posted by rmless at 5:57 PM on April 21, 2008
I really wouldn't want my future kids to be scared by the reckless driving in Tomb Raider.
posted by rmless at 5:57 PM on April 21, 2008
I won't be truly satisfied until they review Gummo. I'd like to see what "message" they take away from that one.
posted by LeeJay at 5:58 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by LeeJay at 5:58 PM on April 21, 2008
Goodness, this site delivers in SPADES every time. I wish they would tackle The Aristocrats.
Umm
83 F-words and its derivatives, 80 sexual references, 92 scatological terms, 98 anatomical terms, 2 mild obscenities, 5 derogatory terms for African-Americans, 3 derogatory terms for homosexuals, 1 derogatory term for Hispanics, 4 religious exclamations.
posted by rooftop secrets at 6:09 PM on April 21, 2008
Umm
83 F-words and its derivatives, 80 sexual references, 92 scatological terms, 98 anatomical terms, 2 mild obscenities, 5 derogatory terms for African-Americans, 3 derogatory terms for homosexuals, 1 derogatory term for Hispanics, 4 religious exclamations.
posted by rooftop secrets at 6:09 PM on April 21, 2008
For all the criticisms, I actually think that this site could be extremely useful to parents, and to teachers of kids too.
I especially like the "discussion topics" section. It makes me happy to picture parents using these movies to have nice, long, non-judgmental conversations with their kids about tough issues, and I'm pretty sure those kids are better off than both the kids whose parents don't let them go to anything and the kids whose parents don't even know what movies they go to.
posted by roll truck roll at 6:49 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
I especially like the "discussion topics" section. It makes me happy to picture parents using these movies to have nice, long, non-judgmental conversations with their kids about tough issues, and I'm pretty sure those kids are better off than both the kids whose parents don't let them go to anything and the kids whose parents don't even know what movies they go to.
posted by roll truck roll at 6:49 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
A scene of a storm at sea with a drowning, and a another storm with a near drowning. A man hits another man in the backside with his briefcase. People are nearly hit by vehicles a few times. A car drives through a fire. A group of men overpower another man. A woman threatens a man with a grater and a man pushes a woman around. A man punches a wall. A man has a bruise on his face. Scuffles, chases, falls, reckless driving.
Any guesses?
posted by flatluigi at 6:53 PM on April 21, 2008
Any guesses?
posted by flatluigi at 6:53 PM on April 21, 2008
This is the only movie that got a 10 in all categories.
No movie got all zeroes, though.
posted by flatluigi at 6:57 PM on April 21, 2008
No movie got all zeroes, though.
posted by flatluigi at 6:57 PM on April 21, 2008
2 anatomical terms...98 anatomical terms
I congratulate someone on their tremendous leisure time. I too have always wanted to take early retirement, move to the Caribbean, and count useless trivia until I die. Thank you for this inspiring example that all dreams are possible.
Elbow! Sternum! Pinky! Vein! Tendon! Eyelid!! Oh god, help me stop before this potty mouth explodes with even more filth.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 7:25 PM on April 21, 2008
I congratulate someone on their tremendous leisure time. I too have always wanted to take early retirement, move to the Caribbean, and count useless trivia until I die. Thank you for this inspiring example that all dreams are possible.
Elbow! Sternum! Pinky! Vein! Tendon! Eyelid!! Oh god, help me stop before this potty mouth explodes with even more filth.
posted by nakedcodemonkey at 7:25 PM on April 21, 2008
For an example of how this sort of thing can be done well, see Nell Minow, the Movie Mom. Discussion points and a whole lot less ridiculousness.
posted by sageleaf at 7:26 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by sageleaf at 7:26 PM on April 21, 2008 [1 favorite]
THIS IS AWESOME.
I can't wait to write in as a concerned parent and ask them to do write ups for The Entity and Deathrace 2000.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:30 PM on April 21, 2008
I can't wait to write in as a concerned parent and ask them to do write ups for The Entity and Deathrace 2000.
posted by Durn Bronzefist at 7:30 PM on April 21, 2008
I've long thought that a multidimensional rating scale would be better than the current system of "G" through "NC-17". I'm glad that someone is providing such ratings, even though this specific instance of them is a little strange.
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:06 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by a snickering nuthatch at 8:06 PM on April 21, 2008
Metafilter: testicles, testicles and penises, and anuses
posted by c:\awesome at 9:11 PM on April 21, 2008
posted by c:\awesome at 9:11 PM on April 21, 2008
From Juno, under "Violence/Gore":
We see a fetus on a sonogram screen and a teenage girl makes a remark about the size of the baby's head.
What, seriously?
posted by dirigibleman at 10:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
We see a fetus on a sonogram screen and a teenage girl makes a remark about the size of the baby's head.
What, seriously?
posted by dirigibleman at 10:08 PM on April 21, 2008 [2 favorites]
I see your CAPAlert, and raise you one Vanguard Movie Reviews.
posted by Monochrome at 7:02 PM on April 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
posted by Monochrome at 7:02 PM on April 22, 2008 [1 favorite]
I actually really love this site. I love horror movies but have no tolerance for the violent visuals, so I can go here and find out in advance if I'll be able to take it. e.g. Saw III:
A woman wakes up from being unconscious, with a heavy metal ring around her neck, and an apparatus attached to her ribs (we see bloody hooks attached to her sides and blood drips on the floor); she reaches into a container of acid to retrieve a key that will free her (her hand is eaten away by the acid and the liquid turns bloody), her time runs out and the apparatus that she is attached to rips her rib cage apart (we see her fall limp and see bloody tissue flapping around).
Yeah, now I know that I can't see it.
It's also useful if you want to avoid watching a movie with your mom where people start getting rimjobs right and left.
posted by Locative at 1:39 AM on April 23, 2008
A woman wakes up from being unconscious, with a heavy metal ring around her neck, and an apparatus attached to her ribs (we see bloody hooks attached to her sides and blood drips on the floor); she reaches into a container of acid to retrieve a key that will free her (her hand is eaten away by the acid and the liquid turns bloody), her time runs out and the apparatus that she is attached to rips her rib cage apart (we see her fall limp and see bloody tissue flapping around).
Yeah, now I know that I can't see it.
It's also useful if you want to avoid watching a movie with your mom where people start getting rimjobs right and left.
posted by Locative at 1:39 AM on April 23, 2008
Locative typed "It's also useful if you want to avoid watching a movie with your mom where people start getting rimjobs right and left."
Wait, there's a movie theatre review? I missed that section.
posted by roll truck roll at 12:20 PM on April 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
Wait, there's a movie theatre review? I missed that section.
posted by roll truck roll at 12:20 PM on April 23, 2008 [1 favorite]
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posted by nitsuj at 12:05 PM on April 21, 2008