For use on slow zombies only.

October 21, 2008 11:31 PM

Can't decide on what would serve you best in the next zombie outbreak? Zombie Tools has you covered. Each weapon is handmade from tempered spring steel and designed specifically for dispatching the undead.

You can finally throw out your crash axe, TNT tool, Pulaski tool, machete, hurley, swedish axe, drywall hammer, briar axe, rock hammer, box tool, demolition tool and hookeroon for something more pragmatic.

posted by Telf (51 comments total)

Actually the real tools look way more useful and interesting than the Zombie Tools. Love that you included a hurley.
posted by awfurby at 11:45 PM on October 21, 2008

Swords? Come on, lets get serious now. I realize it doesn't speak to the modern samurai impulse, but anyone who truly wants to be prepared for the zombiepocalypse knows that you need to get far too close to the living dead to use weapons like those. Polearms are where it's at.
posted by paradoxflow at 12:11 AM on October 22, 2008 [2 favorites]

Hurling sticks + shillelaghs. Face no apocalypse without them. The Irish are way ahead of us on this.
posted by philip-random at 12:15 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

I say Fargo 'em in the woodchipper.
posted by roger ackroyd at 12:19 AM on October 22, 2008

Just as I thought. No shotguns.
posted by Class Goat at 12:22 AM on October 22, 2008

Uh... hello? Chainsaw? Duh.
posted by brundlefly at 12:41 AM on October 22, 2008

I'm glad I'm not the only one to think of a drywall hammer first.
posted by lekvar at 12:54 AM on October 22, 2008

Agree with all of the above. Long distance weapons and lovely purifying fire are where it's at. Blake was prepared for the zombies:
Bring me my Bow of burning gold
Bring me my Arrows of desire
Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold
Bring me my Chariot of fire!
posted by Fiasco da Gama at 1:00 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

The names of these tools are great. I also like the McLeod or halberd. Agreed with paradoxflow that the swords look useless.

Of course, a world populated by zombies would be No Country For Old Men, unless they had this tool.
posted by benzenedream at 1:02 AM on October 22, 2008

After futzing with a nodachi, and considering a potential zombie population of near 7 billion (not to mention sharks, How the hell are you gonna kill zombie sharks?); I've come to really appreciate light weight and balanced blades. Especially light weight: not only are you gonna have to swing the thing upwards of a billion. times, you're gonna have to lug it around. I'd rather not have to keep a domesticated zombie slave to carry all these uber weapons that only someone with a Schwarzenegger-esque physique can wield effectively. I mean, which do you think looks tastier to a zombie- a pasty bespectacled waif that strains under the weight of a DM manual or a body builder?

A put a damn bottle opener in the hilt already. I mean DUH.
posted by quintessencesluglord at 1:05 AM on October 22, 2008 [2 favorites]

Throw 'em some Vinyl records... 'nuff said
posted by Jaloux Saboteur at 1:13 AM on October 22, 2008

Pulaskis bring back memories. (Ex California brushfire fighter), but I am disappointed in the lack of blood hooks/strap hooks (More often called a brush hook in the outside world - sorry for the commercial link, but most of the non-commercial had bank blades instead - never trusted the head fitting on those.)

And then there were the days decapitating near by rattlers with nothing but a MacLeod (another commercial link, I am afraid - no affiliate deals). That flat part could take a nice edge..

Then there's the scar on my hand from careless machete sharpening.
posted by Samizdata at 1:14 AM on October 22, 2008

I'd reach for one of these.

"Back, you!"
Flap! Flap-flap-flap! SWAT! Flap. Flap.
...
"Braiiiiins"
posted by sebastienbailard at 1:53 AM on October 22, 2008

Yesterday a checkout clerk saw the brand new giant lineman's pliers stretching out my suit pocket. "What are you going to do with those?" "I guess I'm like girls and their shoes, I'm just going to put it in my tool chest."

So, droool.
posted by StickyCarpet at 2:01 AM on October 22, 2008

Video: Zombies in Plain English
posted by gen at 2:14 AM on October 22, 2008

Everyone forgets one thing: if there are hordes of zombies, zombie-ism must be highly contagious. If you're going toe to toe with one of these guys, there's no way you're not catching it yourself. You use anything shorter-range than a polearm and regardless of the outcome you're going to be going "itchy. tasty." in a few days. If you really want a decent chance at outlasting the outbreak, you'll need a gun and either a boatload of ammo or (preferably) a good hiding place.
posted by Earl the Polliwog at 2:16 AM on October 22, 2008 [2 favorites]

What, no lawnmower?
posted by Venadium at 2:49 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

In the event of a zombie apocalypse I think I would like to be behind the wheel of a proper midwestern grain combine.
posted by ryaninoakland at 4:15 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Not so much for zombies, but this is going to be on my Christmas wish-list.
posted by ElvisJesus at 4:38 AM on October 22, 2008

Ah, but ryanino, beware of the vegetarian zombies. They eat ggrrrraaaaiiinnnsss!

Then there's the two zombies and a human that go into a bar. The first zombie says to the other zombie, "Graaaghaa haarann margahhaa naaarrrrrrgnn!"

The other zombie says "Hrraaaaa Maggaa GRAMMA GRAMMA bargh nrrrrhr!"

And then they eat the human.
posted by netbros at 5:17 AM on October 22, 2008

a single operator can bung up to 1200 hogs / hour.

I just felt like posting that.
posted by adamdschneider at 6:04 AM on October 22, 2008

There are no such things as zombies. Now if you'll excuse me, Flyboy and myself are due back at our own personal shopping mall before it gets dark.
posted by panboi at 6:08 AM on October 22, 2008

A put a damn bottle opener in the hilt already. I mean DUH.

If you are unable to open a bottle without the aid of a conventional bottle opener, I think it's pretty safe to say that you'll be among the first to go.

The hilt is already fully equipped for popping tops, as is pretty much any rigid object of sufficient hardness.
posted by solipsophistocracy at 6:16 AM on October 22, 2008 [2 favorites]

I just felt like posting that.

Your actions were correct.
posted by aramaic at 6:30 AM on October 22, 2008

Forget that ditch knife. Shoddy construction; those narrow little bolts will warp, and the thin metal of the blade will either bend or come flying entirely off the handle. Had it happen to me, and I was only trying to prune a fallen tree. And the tree wasn't even trying to eat my brains!
posted by penduluum at 6:30 AM on October 22, 2008

Apocalax would be a great name for a prescription-only laxative. I hope they trademarked that.
posted by Drastic at 6:46 AM on October 22, 2008 [4 favorites]

I will live in an American Gladiators cage ball (and eat things through a long straw!)
posted by cowbellemoo at 7:11 AM on October 22, 2008

Jesus.
posted by Astro Zombie at 7:21 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

Historically, Jesus is not a very good choice of anti-zombie weapon. He's had a close relationship with zombie terrorist Lazarus, and we need questions answered as to the extent and nature of that relationship.
posted by Drastic at 7:23 AM on October 22, 2008 [4 favorites]

I'm going to put in my vote for a pole arm, with a machete on the side. It was the frickin' pole arm that brought down European chivalry after all.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 7:30 AM on October 22, 2008

Historically, Jesus is not a very good choice of anti-zombie weapon. He's had a close relationship with zombie terrorist Lazarus, and we need questions answered as to the extent and nature of that relationship.


Homeland Security investigating claims against Jesus
posted by ElvisJesus at 7:37 AM on October 22, 2008

Shotgun. You always want the splatter headed away from you at high speed. It's just basic, people.
posted by rusty at 7:44 AM on October 22, 2008

I was remiss in not including a pike pole.

So I guess when the zompocalypse occurs, you better hope that you live near a fire station or that the medieval faire is in town.

Though I suspect that those pasty, doughy LARPers may not do as well as they expect.
posted by Telf at 7:46 AM on October 22, 2008

I plan to rig up complicated traps involving junk cars lifted by winches powered by the engines out of other junk cars, and gigantic propane tanks with electric ignition. Supplementing that with a few dozen circular saw blades and a zero-point energy field manipulator should do the trick, and if all else fails, there's always a crowbar...
posted by Foosnark at 7:49 AM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

From the box tool link: A tough, ugly tool that is perfect for the person whose usual solution to a problem is to use a larger hammer. Also ideal for the person who tends to leave tools out in the rain. This one can't get much uglier.

I'm in love.
posted by KirkJobSluder at 8:28 AM on October 22, 2008

The hilarious thing about my generation is that if an actual war broke out on our home soil, we would probably run around like chickens with our heads caught off. Yet we're prepared for a zombie invasion.
posted by FunkyHelix at 8:41 AM on October 22, 2008

Wasn't Jesus zombie #2? And he made zombie #1! At least both of them came back rather well-spoken, and neither showed a penchant for eating live humans, so I guess there's nothing to worry about either of them.

I'm amused they already have the appearance of wear and tear on the zombie weapons. Those would be great show pieces, but if nothing else, I'd want a comfy handle. Lacking that, I'd like a slip-resistant grip. You don't want to have to rely on a good pair of gloves to keep a tight grip when I'm covered in gore.
posted by filthy light thief at 8:55 AM on October 22, 2008

I realize it doesn't speak to the modern samurai impulse, but anyone who truly wants to be prepared for the zombiepocalypse knows that you need to get far too close to the living dead to use weapons like those. Polearms are where it's at.

Exactly. According to Dr. Russell Fell the halberd is the ultimate anti-zombie weapon, as he demonstrates in the Nick Frost documentary 'Danger! 50,000 Zombies' (although if you watch the linked video you can see that he also expresses a fondness for the katana).

Parts 1 and 2
posted by boosh at 9:09 AM on October 22, 2008

Way too much emphasis here on weaponry that would require either ammunition or fuel. Come the apox, both of these will no doubt be in short supply. Hence, the need for bats, clubs, blades, etc. Get in shape now, and hone those techniques.
posted by philip-random at 9:12 AM on October 22, 2008

yeah, the shotgun's bloody fantastic until you run out of shells.

I'm not all that convinced about polearms though. They're designed for mass formations of infantry, kind of like portable spiky walls you can set up real fast in the direction of an oncoming charge. They're not about one guy wailing on multiple opponents coming from all directions.
posted by Naberius at 9:42 AM on October 22, 2008

Uh... hello? Chainsaw? Duh.

Sounds like a good idea, until you run out of gas. You need to think about these things, long-term - zombie contingency plans are serious business.
posted by Cassilda at 10:39 AM on October 22, 2008

yeah, the shotgun's bloody fantastic until you run out of shells.

They're also only really good for close-range, and once you're close-in with the hungry dead, it is really only a matter of time.
posted by Cassilda at 10:41 AM on October 22, 2008

There are different lengths of polearms; different designs for different purposes. Sure, something like the pike is best suited for tight phalanx formations but something like a naginata or a Monk's spade can be very effectively used by individuals.

Not having access to such weapons, myself, I'd head down to the hardware store to pick up a light double-headed axe and screw in spikes on both ends of the handle, parallel to the handle and perpendicular to the blades. Maybe see if I can snag a couple of crossbows and bolts or surgical-tubing-powered fishing spears.

Also, don't forget the scarf/balaclava and goggles (chem safety goggles or diving goggles are preferable to plain safety goggles; won't shatter and protects from the eyes from incidental splashing) - not only do you not want zombie gore from getting into broken skin, you'll not want to get in any in contact with the mucous membranes of your orifices. Good boots and a sturdy pair of gloves are also essential.
posted by porpoise at 11:22 AM on October 22, 2008

Polearms are swell when the numbers are roughly even. If there are enough of them such that one can tie up the haft while another attacks, you're screwed. (Unless you can force them to come at you one at a time, like down a narrow hall.)

As for thse swords, no quillions = crappy close quarters blocking.

Just saying.
posted by Kid Charlemagne at 11:42 AM on October 22, 2008

A modern combine harvester would not work at all, it would keep you distanced and safe for quite a while but even a corn harvester cannot handle a continuous stream of human flesh and bone.. and you run out of diesel...
posted by Cosine at 12:23 PM on October 22, 2008

I suppose it depends on your definition of close range, for shotguns. With shot, you can be pretty sure of hitting your target at 25 yards, and with slugs you can extend that to 50. Of course, you might not make a head shot. Also, splatter is going to be a problem at close ranges no matter what you use to shoot your zombie. Fluids are funny. Just like dropping a rock in a lake, some of that's coming back at you. Get yourself a naginata, maybe?
posted by adamdschneider at 12:36 PM on October 22, 2008

I think there are two Zombie killing situations you would need to prepare for; emergency attack and the zombie harvest...

1. Emergency Attack - this is the act of running through a phalanx of Zombies to get from point A to point B. For this I think you would want defence and offence, the defense being a hardened biohazard suit and offence in the form of a gun and sword combo (that's the best combo I can think of, you don't want any weapon that can get stuck in Zombie goo.

2. The Zombie Harvest - this is clearing a path to help make an area safer, again you want offence and defence, defence in the form of some sealed, secure place to operate from (think cab of a large piece of machinery, and offence, some way to clean house. This is where i get stuck, what it seems you want it a monster truck with the ability to kill and a shitload of fuel... ideas?
posted by Cosine at 12:38 PM on October 22, 2008

Hand-held weapons? Feh.

I'm stealing me one of these.

Yeah, sure, I'll run out of fuel and eventually have to shoot myself in the head. But until then I will be an unholy battlewagon destroying everything in my path.
posted by aramaic at 1:05 PM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

The Halligan bar, also called the "Hooligan tool".
posted by steveburnett at 1:12 PM on October 22, 2008

You could always call up Apple Kid and get some zombie paper.
posted by danb at 4:09 PM on October 22, 2008 [1 favorite]

I've said it before: Boar Spears. From Wikipedia:

"has two "lugs" or "wings" on the spearsocket behind the blade, which act as a barrier to prevent an injured and furious boar Zombie from working its way up the shaft of the spear to attack the hunter Survivor."

Not so good for house to house fighting. But perfect for street clearing.
posted by schwa at 7:37 AM on October 23, 2008