Chocolate Salty Balls (P.S. I Love You)

November 19, 2008 6:25 PM

If plastics, or pesticides, or antidespressants have got you down, you can still make art with it, drink it or cook with it. It's been a strange week for semen.

Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties. Like fine wine and cheeses, the taste of semen is complex and dynamic. Semen is inexpensive to produce and is commonly available in many, if not most, homes and restaurants. Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food.


I'm dedicating this post to Astro Zombie.

posted by cjorgensen (21 comments total)

It's is said that the masturbating whale
Will drown thousands of seamen without fail,
And the monstrous kraken,
When he starts a-whacking,
Showers seamen into the air like hail.
posted by Astro Zombie at 6:31 PM on November 19, 2008

Despite all of these positive qualities, semen remains neglected as a food
I think because many guys don't think semen is a food, but some kind of pre-wash treatment for dirty socks.
posted by WolfDaddy at 6:37 PM on November 19, 2008 [9 favorites]

There's seamen everywhere!
posted by Horace Rumpole at 6:40 PM on November 19, 2008

Wow.
posted by Tehanu at 6:54 PM on November 19, 2008

Sticky subject.
posted by gman at 6:55 PM on November 19, 2008

It's been a strange week for semen.

Man, tell me about it!

Also, anybody know how to get it out of snooker table felt?
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:05 PM on November 19, 2008

Also, if you look at the Brad Pitt pic on the "drink it" (Telegraph) link...well, looks like he's making his own little contribution to the cause. And apparently, John Sergeant approves.
posted by turgid dahlia at 7:10 PM on November 19, 2008

It's been a strange week for semen.

A lot of semen have been getting jacked off the coast of Somalia lately.
posted by gman at 7:16 PM on November 19, 2008

In unrelated news, I just ordered a cook book, and will be trying out a whole bunch of new recipes as soon as it comes in the mail. You're all invited over for dinner!
posted by paisley henosis at 7:25 PM on November 19, 2008

I can't find the clip of Arrested Development in which Tobias says it, but he has a line about "hot seamen." As a consolation prize, here's a Tobias tribute reel some Youtuber made.
posted by Grimp0teuthis at 7:26 PM on November 19, 2008

Y'know, and I've said this before, there are some days when you walk away from the computer and say, "Well, I've seen it all!"

Then you log back in and...
posted by evilcolonel at 8:48 PM on November 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

I'm seeing visions of a Betty Crocker tie-in; a little anthropomorphic glove mascot shilling new Creamy Beef Strokinoff Handjacker Helper in front of the backdrop of a working-class family eating a meal of creamy reconstituted noodles, protein chunks and 'special sauce' from a skillet.

Bleargh.

Haploid People! We're eating haploid people!
posted by isopraxis at 9:05 PM on November 19, 2008

Sloppy seconds?
posted by dhartung at 10:12 PM on November 19, 2008

If you click the link on the book, you can actually look through the contents. Here is the first recipe:

Strawberry Splasherita:
1 cup frozen sliced strawberries
1/2 cup good quality tequila
1 tablespoon fresh semen
2 cups crushed ice

Combine all ingredients except semen in a blender and blend until smooth. Pour into a sugar-rimmed glass. Float the semen over the drink. It will coagulate and adds a splendid finishing touch to this popular drink.

The next one is even better, I'll just quote a little bit of it: Chilled fresh semen, the more the better

Jokes section:
1) That's what she said!
2) Metafilter: Chilled fresh semen, the more the better
posted by !Jim at 11:01 PM on November 19, 2008

For a second there I thought this was going to be another of orange swan's posts.
posted by twoleftfeet at 11:37 PM on November 19, 2008 [1 favorite]

2leftfeet, same here until I realized it wasn't about making plastics, antidepressents and pesticides out of semen.
posted by BrotherCaine at 1:02 AM on November 20, 2008

Afroblanco, not just the link, metafilter took down the entire Endocrine Today site. And the "Sloppy Seconds" link is cool. It was the only link that I had no idea how old it was. I was sent the link yesterday. The rest of the post pretty much just came together.

Seemed like no matter what I read yesterday I'd come across a site about semen.
posted by cjorgensen at 4:56 AM on November 20, 2008

Well now I have an Xmas gift for my mom! Thanks!
posted by wires at 6:33 AM on November 20, 2008

The thing that most of you are missing is that you are talking about semen.
posted by found missing at 7:48 AM on November 20, 2008

For a second there I thought this was going to be another of orange swan's posts.

I've said before that I will not be writing a creative recycling FPPs on things to do with used undies or bondage gear. I think we can add "body fluids and matter" to the "will not be encouraging you to craft with" list.
posted by orange swan at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2008

Coral Sperm.

I think I am doomed.
posted by cjorgensen at 12:04 PM on November 20, 2008