they come out the butt, stupid!
April 13, 2009 4:14 AM Subscribe
Kinda sutra - a charmingly animated short in which people talk about childhood misconceptions about sex and childbirth. More on childhood sex misconceptions from Dan Savage 1, 2, 3. (pretty tame clip, but possibly NSFW)
More on Kinda Sutra, which debuted this year at Sundance.
See prior related posts:
Classic underage misconceptions five fresh fish
I used to believe - Stan Chin - not just sex misconceptions - but so amusing!
More on Kinda Sutra, which debuted this year at Sundance.
See prior related posts:
Classic underage misconceptions five fresh fish
I used to believe - Stan Chin - not just sex misconceptions - but so amusing!
When I was a kid, I asked my Mom what birth control was. She said that it was something protestant men put on their bodies to stop babies. (She was a good Catholic!) Of course, I had no idea what men had to do with the whole baby process in the first place, I thought babies just grew like a seed in a Mom's tummy, so this was quite puzzling. One day on TV, I saw a man getting his blood pressure taken. Aha! I thought the thing they wrapped on his arm must be birth control.
A year or two later when I learned the truth about conception, I simply could not believe it. I thought there must be another way that my parents did it, they would never do stuff like that. I spent the next few months looking at couples in church on Sunday and deciding which ones would do that stuff and which ones wouldn't. I decided there must be a special Catholic way that was a little more ethereal.
posted by madamjujujive at 4:29 AM on April 13, 2009 [14 favorites]
A year or two later when I learned the truth about conception, I simply could not believe it. I thought there must be another way that my parents did it, they would never do stuff like that. I spent the next few months looking at couples in church on Sunday and deciding which ones would do that stuff and which ones wouldn't. I decided there must be a special Catholic way that was a little more ethereal.
posted by madamjujujive at 4:29 AM on April 13, 2009 [14 favorites]
Here's a YouTube link for people outside the U.S.
Great post!
posted by Ljubljana at 4:40 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Great post!
posted by Ljubljana at 4:40 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I know 'lies-to-children' can make things easier in the short term for parents who don't want their kids embarassing them in front of other adults, but telling your kids bullshit like that stuff about 'pollywogs' is so not cool.
posted by dunkadunc at 4:45 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by dunkadunc at 4:45 AM on April 13, 2009
This Dan Savage collection is wonderful fun. The only misconception on my part that I can recall, was from something an older boy showed me, when I was about 6. I think it may have been instructions for using a tampon. I couldn't really understand the drawings, but the kid explained it was instructions for getting your dick to stay inside yourself.
posted by Goofyy at 5:34 AM on April 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
posted by Goofyy at 5:34 AM on April 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
I quote C.S. Lewis a lot... but what can you do?
Now, please remember how we acquired the old, ordinary kind of life. We derived it from others, from our father and mother and all our ancestors, without our consent - and by a very curious process, involving pleasure, pain, and danger. A process you would never have guessed. Most of us spend a good many years in childhood trying to guess it: and some children, when they are first told, do not believe it - and I am not sure that I blame them, for it is very odd.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:38 AM on April 13, 2009
Now, please remember how we acquired the old, ordinary kind of life. We derived it from others, from our father and mother and all our ancestors, without our consent - and by a very curious process, involving pleasure, pain, and danger. A process you would never have guessed. Most of us spend a good many years in childhood trying to guess it: and some children, when they are first told, do not believe it - and I am not sure that I blame them, for it is very odd.
posted by Joe Beese at 5:38 AM on April 13, 2009
We haven't told any lies to our children about stuff like this (or stuff like Santa either) but we do have a LOT of family words covering just about every topic imaginable. Lately our older kids have started asking "is $X the real word?" They've probably gotten burned dozens of times at school using some made-up baby word for things.
Heh. Builds character.
posted by DU at 6:01 AM on April 13, 2009
Heh. Builds character.
posted by DU at 6:01 AM on April 13, 2009
I know 'lies-to-children' can make things easier in the short term for parents who don't want their kids embarassing them in front of other adults, but telling your kids bullshit like that stuff about 'pollywogs' is so not cool.
I wouldn't necessarily say that the parents lied in that case. It's possible that the parents told him the truth, but said that "sperm look a little like pollywogs" and his brain just processed that information to a degree no one anticipated.
My mother didn't really give me much of a sex talk, she just made me watch a couple of Afterschool Specials and then asked if I had any questions. When I was seven, they had one called "My Mom's Having A Baby" which dealt with pregnancy and childbirth; a kid whose mother is pregnant is dealing with her getting bigger, moodiness, the fact that he'll have a new brother or sister, etc., and then at the end the mother delivers. I remember they showed some of the delivery. At some point in the film, the kid suddenly wonders, "hey, wait there's a baby inside mom, how did it get there?" and he and all his friends go to his mother's obstetrician, who shows them a little cartoon about how there are sperm cells from the daddy and egg cells from the mommy, and they combine in the mommy to start a baby growing.
It wasn't until an hour AFTER watching the show that I realized that they hadn't gone into any detail about HOW the sperm cells got from the daddy to the mommy. And, I was kind of a precocious and independant child, and tried to figure out the answers to things myself before I asked my parents. So I thought a bit, and came up with an explanation that, to me, made sense -- I assumed that the mommy gave the daddy a pair of her underwear to wear for a day, and the sperm cells would "fall out" inside them, and then he would give her her underwear back and she would put them on so the sperm cells in them would get inside her.
And so, for an entire year, I walked around with the belief in my head that the sex act was transvestism. I'm just amused that at the age of seven I came up with something that is arguably kinkier than actual sex.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on April 13, 2009 [14 favorites]
I wouldn't necessarily say that the parents lied in that case. It's possible that the parents told him the truth, but said that "sperm look a little like pollywogs" and his brain just processed that information to a degree no one anticipated.
My mother didn't really give me much of a sex talk, she just made me watch a couple of Afterschool Specials and then asked if I had any questions. When I was seven, they had one called "My Mom's Having A Baby" which dealt with pregnancy and childbirth; a kid whose mother is pregnant is dealing with her getting bigger, moodiness, the fact that he'll have a new brother or sister, etc., and then at the end the mother delivers. I remember they showed some of the delivery. At some point in the film, the kid suddenly wonders, "hey, wait there's a baby inside mom, how did it get there?" and he and all his friends go to his mother's obstetrician, who shows them a little cartoon about how there are sperm cells from the daddy and egg cells from the mommy, and they combine in the mommy to start a baby growing.
It wasn't until an hour AFTER watching the show that I realized that they hadn't gone into any detail about HOW the sperm cells got from the daddy to the mommy. And, I was kind of a precocious and independant child, and tried to figure out the answers to things myself before I asked my parents. So I thought a bit, and came up with an explanation that, to me, made sense -- I assumed that the mommy gave the daddy a pair of her underwear to wear for a day, and the sperm cells would "fall out" inside them, and then he would give her her underwear back and she would put them on so the sperm cells in them would get inside her.
And so, for an entire year, I walked around with the belief in my head that the sex act was transvestism. I'm just amused that at the age of seven I came up with something that is arguably kinkier than actual sex.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 6:04 AM on April 13, 2009 [14 favorites]
Great, great video, but I hope to God Debbie Shaddock never comes across it.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:08 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by Navelgazer at 6:08 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
I got a sex ed bok growing up in the seventies that was paper cut-outs showing flowers pollinating, a male dog mounting a bitch and a man and a woman lying in bed with a lot of space between them and covers up to their chins. I knew the sperm came from the penis and had to go up to the womb to meet the egg so I pictured the sperm marching across the bed like a line of ants straight for the love canal. This is why I was so very clear when explaining how I got pregnant to my daughter, who then gave an impromptu sex education lesson to her friends at her third birthday party.
posted by saucysault at 6:16 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by saucysault at 6:16 AM on April 13, 2009
As a young boy, I held the vision of sperm being "seeds" that were expelled by men during urination. Forget for a moment the disconnect between that and how these "seeds" arrived at the female egg. Anyway, imagine my horror one day as I went to the bathroom and discovered about a dozen of these "seeds" floating on top of the toilet water. The jig was up a few minutes later when I heard the uncontrolled giggling of my precocious younger brother who had been saving his tangerine seeds for several days just to demolish my innocent sensibilities when he dropped them in the tank. Bastard.
posted by netbros at 6:25 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
posted by netbros at 6:25 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
The only thing of this nature I can recall was being in a shop with a friend's kid brother, who pointed out a packet titled 'Durex' and snickered at me, expectantly.
I just looked at him, clueless.
"You know? Durex? Sponkies? Sponk bags?"
"You what?"
"Don't you know anything? You know how, every month, women have periods in which they produce eggs? So they have to wear these things called jam rags on their fanny to catch the eggs? Well, men produce this stuff called sponk that they use to make babies, so every month they have to wear these sponk bags to catch it all in."
It sounded plausible at the time. He certainly knew more about the subject than I did.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:53 AM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I just looked at him, clueless.
"You know? Durex? Sponkies? Sponk bags?"
"You what?"
"Don't you know anything? You know how, every month, women have periods in which they produce eggs? So they have to wear these things called jam rags on their fanny to catch the eggs? Well, men produce this stuff called sponk that they use to make babies, so every month they have to wear these sponk bags to catch it all in."
It sounded plausible at the time. He certainly knew more about the subject than I did.
posted by PeterMcDermott at 6:53 AM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I know 'lies-to-children' can make things easier in the short term for parents who don't want their kids embarassing them in front of other adults, but telling your kids bullshit like that stuff about 'pollywogs' is so not cool.
I suspect - or hope - that parents are a little more honest today than they were in my youth. And my era was enlightened compared to what some folks my parents age went through. I once talked to a woman my Mom's age who laughingly told the story about how she knew absolutely nothing about sex until she got married. On her wedding night, this horrified woman kicked her husband out of the house until he came back with a priest who ascertained her husband's "rights" while framing things in terms of procreation. It's pretty bad when your information about sex comes from the clergy.
Information is so much more readily available today - from peers, from the web, from popular culture ... that being said, pop culture no doubt spawns a whole 'nother set of misconceptions.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:03 AM on April 13, 2009
I suspect - or hope - that parents are a little more honest today than they were in my youth. And my era was enlightened compared to what some folks my parents age went through. I once talked to a woman my Mom's age who laughingly told the story about how she knew absolutely nothing about sex until she got married. On her wedding night, this horrified woman kicked her husband out of the house until he came back with a priest who ascertained her husband's "rights" while framing things in terms of procreation. It's pretty bad when your information about sex comes from the clergy.
Information is so much more readily available today - from peers, from the web, from popular culture ... that being said, pop culture no doubt spawns a whole 'nother set of misconceptions.
posted by madamjujujive at 7:03 AM on April 13, 2009
Why can't parents just tell kids the truth?
posted by chillmost at 7:04 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by chillmost at 7:04 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I don't remember ever having any misconceptions about sex when I was growing up, but reading these is pretty funny.
posted by delmoi at 7:05 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by delmoi at 7:05 AM on April 13, 2009
Saucysault! I totally had that book as a kid and I still have it on my shelf. I thought it was just as hilarious then as I do now.
posted by greta simone at 7:08 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by greta simone at 7:08 AM on April 13, 2009
Wait.
Wait.
Wait.
You mean I'm NOT supposed to pee in her butt?
posted by davelog at 7:19 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Wait.
Wait.
You mean I'm NOT supposed to pee in her butt?
posted by davelog at 7:19 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I remember after hearing about how babies were made asking "well how long does the man have to leave it in before a baby is made?" I thought it was like a timed thing, you know, 10 minutes of just laying there "connected" and *poof* a baby is made. I do not remember my moms answer after she laughed.
posted by Asbestos McPinto at 7:32 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by Asbestos McPinto at 7:32 AM on April 13, 2009
In before link to HOW IS BABBY FORMED.
posted by Rhomboid at 7:44 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Rhomboid at 7:44 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I asked my mom the same question! She said something like, well, it feels good, so as long as you want to. The whole "it feels good" part was a total surprise to me.
posted by bink at 7:50 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by bink at 7:50 AM on April 13, 2009
I learned about menstruation from Carrie. That's all I got.
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:07 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by Halloween Jack at 8:07 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
...K SOLUTION!! SMALL BUSINESSES AT VERI-
Can one warn of ad blasts that cause frantic abortive back-buttoning?
Gets me panties in a wad, and then the sponk gets all mixed in with the eggs and the pee.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 8:12 AM on April 13, 2009
Can one warn of ad blasts that cause frantic abortive back-buttoning?
Gets me panties in a wad, and then the sponk gets all mixed in with the eggs and the pee.
posted by gorgor_balabala at 8:12 AM on April 13, 2009
When I was about eight or so I spent a summer playing with a neighbor boy building forts and wandering around the neighborhood. There was a girl our age that lived across the alley we pretty much ignored as the rest of the families on the block shunned her parents, for reasons we never questioned.
She wanted to play with us, so as a bribe she brought out a three foot long section of 16mm film. It fascinated us. We could not get enough of it. It featured a man with an enormous penis stroking it for the camera.
We postulated many theories, holding it up to the sun to see it and hiding it whenever our big brothers and sisters were around since we knew our treasure would be taken if anyone found out. Was the man trying to pee? If it did need to get stuck in a woman to make a baby, where could something like that fit? We thought about the biggest poos we had seen to try and gauge if a butt WAS big enough for such a thing. End less speculation and repeated viewings.
Our new friend showed us her parent's basement screening room where they had parties to show their collection of movies. Her dad ( in my memory he is physically a cross between Elvis and John Waters) came home and we ran out. We never got to see any more.
My friend's big brother found our stash and took it, so it became a purely oral tradition, kind of like a fish story as we'd tell other kids of the gigantic penis, to their disbelief.
Good times.
posted by readery at 8:16 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
She wanted to play with us, so as a bribe she brought out a three foot long section of 16mm film. It fascinated us. We could not get enough of it. It featured a man with an enormous penis stroking it for the camera.
We postulated many theories, holding it up to the sun to see it and hiding it whenever our big brothers and sisters were around since we knew our treasure would be taken if anyone found out. Was the man trying to pee? If it did need to get stuck in a woman to make a baby, where could something like that fit? We thought about the biggest poos we had seen to try and gauge if a butt WAS big enough for such a thing. End less speculation and repeated viewings.
Our new friend showed us her parent's basement screening room where they had parties to show their collection of movies. Her dad ( in my memory he is physically a cross between Elvis and John Waters) came home and we ran out. We never got to see any more.
My friend's big brother found our stash and took it, so it became a purely oral tradition, kind of like a fish story as we'd tell other kids of the gigantic penis, to their disbelief.
Good times.
posted by readery at 8:16 AM on April 13, 2009 [2 favorites]
It's pretty bad when your information about sex comes from the clergy.
Our minister was pretty cool about it, actually.
Granted, AFAIK he never got dragged out of bed in the middle of the night by an irate newlywed husband to protect the husband's marital rights.
His talk was more to squirmy pre-teens, along the lines of: "this is what happens, it's a lot more fun than it looks, in fact it's so much fun you'll be tempted to do it when you aren't ready to deal with the maintenance and the consequences of when things go wrong, kinda like having a car. " I remember he worked that car analogy to death--you wouldn't let just anyone drive your car, why would let just anyone touch your body; having a car is both fun and rewarding, but you have to respect a car's ability to hurt or kill, and sex can do the same thing; you think a car's expensive, try having a baby or an STD; sex outside of marriage is like entering your Chevette at Daytona, you have to REALLY know what you're doiing for to survive the experience, most people don't know and can't be arsed to learn which is why God discourages that sort of thing; etc.-- but it seemed to resonate with us kids.
Amazing how the Baptist approach to sex dovetailed so well with NASCAR. (Probably the only way poor Rev. could get it past some of the parents). Though for weeks afterwards we joked about finding a way to enter a Chevette at Daytona.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:22 AM on April 13, 2009
Our minister was pretty cool about it, actually.
Granted, AFAIK he never got dragged out of bed in the middle of the night by an irate newlywed husband to protect the husband's marital rights.
His talk was more to squirmy pre-teens, along the lines of: "this is what happens, it's a lot more fun than it looks, in fact it's so much fun you'll be tempted to do it when you aren't ready to deal with the maintenance and the consequences of when things go wrong, kinda like having a car. " I remember he worked that car analogy to death--you wouldn't let just anyone drive your car, why would let just anyone touch your body; having a car is both fun and rewarding, but you have to respect a car's ability to hurt or kill, and sex can do the same thing; you think a car's expensive, try having a baby or an STD; sex outside of marriage is like entering your Chevette at Daytona, you have to REALLY know what you're doiing for to survive the experience, most people don't know and can't be arsed to learn which is why God discourages that sort of thing; etc.-- but it seemed to resonate with us kids.
Amazing how the Baptist approach to sex dovetailed so well with NASCAR. (Probably the only way poor Rev. could get it past some of the parents). Though for weeks afterwards we joked about finding a way to enter a Chevette at Daytona.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:22 AM on April 13, 2009
The only misconception (heh) that I can recall having was the belief that one had to be married before one could get pregnant. Not sure how I arrived at that one; I guess because everyone adult I knew got married, then had kids.
posted by magstheaxe at 8:24 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by magstheaxe at 8:24 AM on April 13, 2009
I suspect - or hope - that parents are a little more honest today than they were in my youth.
I think for the most part they are, but there's no accounting for individual squeamish-ness about the topic, and I suspect a lot of kids are still ill-informed about the whole process. My hippie parents were of an age and a culture that encouraged letting children in on the wonders of human love-making. Except, neither of them really felt comfortable doing so. I remember asking my mom one day why kids usually used their dads' last names, when it was the mom who actually made the babies in her belly, which I had sort of deduced from pop culture and life experience. My mom just burst out with a rapid-fire "Wellwhentwopeoplehaveababythedaddyputshispenisinthemomsvaginaandhisspermfertilizeshereggs, so really both parents are involved," and then turned around and left the room.
I didn't really catch all that, and her abrupt departure precluded any follow-up questions. But for a while afterward, I kept trying to get her to bring it up again, hoping I could get some more details. I would go up to my mom and say "HEY, you know what's REALLY FUNNY? Why do BABIES use their DAD'S NAME, when it's the MOM who MAKES them? ISN'T THAT WEIRD MOM??" And my mom, without fail, would just mumble "mmhmm" and look away.
posted by bookish at 8:33 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think for the most part they are, but there's no accounting for individual squeamish-ness about the topic, and I suspect a lot of kids are still ill-informed about the whole process. My hippie parents were of an age and a culture that encouraged letting children in on the wonders of human love-making. Except, neither of them really felt comfortable doing so. I remember asking my mom one day why kids usually used their dads' last names, when it was the mom who actually made the babies in her belly, which I had sort of deduced from pop culture and life experience. My mom just burst out with a rapid-fire "Wellwhentwopeoplehaveababythedaddyputshispenisinthemomsvaginaandhisspermfertilizeshereggs, so really both parents are involved," and then turned around and left the room.
I didn't really catch all that, and her abrupt departure precluded any follow-up questions. But for a while afterward, I kept trying to get her to bring it up again, hoping I could get some more details. I would go up to my mom and say "HEY, you know what's REALLY FUNNY? Why do BABIES use their DAD'S NAME, when it's the MOM who MAKES them? ISN'T THAT WEIRD MOM??" And my mom, without fail, would just mumble "mmhmm" and look away.
posted by bookish at 8:33 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
When I was little, I accidentally stumbled upon a scene of my aunt and uncle toilet-training their son. I was convinced at that point that boys had three thumbs.
posted by katillathehun at 8:52 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by katillathehun at 8:52 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
When I was six or seven the older kid next door used a new word: "fuck". I had no idea what it meant and his explanation of "it's where babies come from" made no sense. After all, I had a little brother and sister and knew they came from mom's belly. Up until that point I had never given much thought to how they got in mom's belly. After puzzling it out for a while I decided to get a better explanation, so I walked into the bathroom while my dad was shaving and matter-of-factly asked "What does 'fuck' mean?" To his credit he didn't bat an eye or cut himself with the razor; instead he gave me a simple nuts and bolts explanation along the lines of a man puts his penis in a woman and his sperm comes out and fertilizes her egg to make a baby. I distinctly remember he didn't get specific about there being a vagina involved, because I knew enough about the human body to know the butthole led to the belly, so that seemed like a logical place for the man to put his penis. So for years afterwards I (like others above) assumed anal sex was the way to get a woman pregnant.
That was actually about the extent of the birds and bees talk my parents ever had with me, but they came up with a good alternative. My father was a professor and my mother was involved in education at church and active in the PTA and other school-related organizations so it was not unusual to have textbooks on various subjects sitting around the house. At some point sex-ed books started showing up around the house and being curious and an avid reader I would pick them up and start reading; I was pretty surprised to find out how wrong I was. I am a father now, so I evidently figured it out. My mother still denies that leaving those books around was intentional, but I am not convinced.
posted by TedW at 9:42 AM on April 13, 2009
That was actually about the extent of the birds and bees talk my parents ever had with me, but they came up with a good alternative. My father was a professor and my mother was involved in education at church and active in the PTA and other school-related organizations so it was not unusual to have textbooks on various subjects sitting around the house. At some point sex-ed books started showing up around the house and being curious and an avid reader I would pick them up and start reading; I was pretty surprised to find out how wrong I was. I am a father now, so I evidently figured it out. My mother still denies that leaving those books around was intentional, but I am not convinced.
posted by TedW at 9:42 AM on April 13, 2009
That we still have unwanted pregnancies is pretty much proof positive that "a lot of kids are still ill-informed about the whole process."
posted by five fresh fish at 10:20 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by five fresh fish at 10:20 AM on April 13, 2009
That we still have unwanted pregnancies is pretty much proof positive that "a lot of kids are still ill-informed about the whole process."
In this case, though, I think a lot of the misinformation is more about the prevention than the basic mechanics.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:50 AM on April 13, 2009
In this case, though, I think a lot of the misinformation is more about the prevention than the basic mechanics.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:50 AM on April 13, 2009
Reading all this, I guess I got lucky, I grew up with Where Did I Come From?. My mom also left her copy of Our Bodies Ourselves on one of my bookshelves, trusting me to find it eventually, which makes sense only to a certain degree given the fact that I'm male. I think I was eleven or so when I found out and was horribly dissapointed that a book about women and sex had so few pictures of naked women in it. I was 13 when I discovered the internet and my demand for said pictures was suddenly supplied.
I really recomend Peter Mayle's books to give to kids. People are seen naked, but they're so cartoonish that even to a seven year old, you know that's really not what naked people look like.
posted by Hactar at 11:23 AM on April 13, 2009
I really recomend Peter Mayle's books to give to kids. People are seen naked, but they're so cartoonish that even to a seven year old, you know that's really not what naked people look like.
posted by Hactar at 11:23 AM on April 13, 2009
When I was little, my cousin and I found wrapped condoms between the couch cushions. We opened them and, due to the reservoir tips, thought that they were for topping baby bottles.
I wondered why they smelled funny. We didn't think to ask why they were there, since there weren't any babies in the family at that time.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 AM on April 13, 2009
I wondered why they smelled funny. We didn't think to ask why they were there, since there weren't any babies in the family at that time.
posted by cmgonzalez at 11:37 AM on April 13, 2009
Great little film. I enjoyed it.
I remember, as a young child, knowing that women had eggs in their bodies and that babies came from them. Having the egg schema defined by those of chickens, my mind raced with ideas of what that could possibly mean. My main theory was that a bunch of eggs were always in a woman's body from the very beginning of her life and as she grew, they grew too. When her eggs grew big enough, they hatched and she became pregnant. The baby that hatched from the egg would then grow in her stomach for the duration of the pregnancy and when it was ready, the mother would give birth. The thing that blew my little mind was the idea that when a female was pregnant with another female, the unborn female already had tiny, tiny eggs inside of her that may or may not have contained another female that had even tinier eggs inside of her on and on ad infinitum. I remember telling my mother this grand theory in great detail—she got a kick out of it.
Really, as a kid, one of my favorite pastimes coming up with theories on the way things worked. In second grade, I came up with my own theory of memory. Your brain was a piece of paper, thus limited in its capacity to contain information. When you wanted to remember something temporarily, you wrote it down in pencil; you could erase the information when you were done and reclaim the space, but it was gone forever. When you wanted to remember something forever you wrote it down in pen; you would never forget, but that paper-space could not be used for any other purpose. I would sometimes erase pencil memories and rewrite them in pen, but it was a big deal.
I also remember learning about cells in fifth grade. I remember thinking that since we're all made up of cells, there was no reason to fear intimidating people; the idea was that their scariness was just a social construct that came after birth as a result of their life and circumstances and that I didn't have to buy into it. I've always been a deeply empathetic person. I vividly remember learning the word empathy in junior high; it was an instant favorite.
Obviously, I didn't think up these ideas in the language I am presenting them in right now—it was much more muddled and raw. And probably more interesting.
posted by defenestration at 11:42 AM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I remember, as a young child, knowing that women had eggs in their bodies and that babies came from them. Having the egg schema defined by those of chickens, my mind raced with ideas of what that could possibly mean. My main theory was that a bunch of eggs were always in a woman's body from the very beginning of her life and as she grew, they grew too. When her eggs grew big enough, they hatched and she became pregnant. The baby that hatched from the egg would then grow in her stomach for the duration of the pregnancy and when it was ready, the mother would give birth. The thing that blew my little mind was the idea that when a female was pregnant with another female, the unborn female already had tiny, tiny eggs inside of her that may or may not have contained another female that had even tinier eggs inside of her on and on ad infinitum. I remember telling my mother this grand theory in great detail—she got a kick out of it.
Really, as a kid, one of my favorite pastimes coming up with theories on the way things worked. In second grade, I came up with my own theory of memory. Your brain was a piece of paper, thus limited in its capacity to contain information. When you wanted to remember something temporarily, you wrote it down in pencil; you could erase the information when you were done and reclaim the space, but it was gone forever. When you wanted to remember something forever you wrote it down in pen; you would never forget, but that paper-space could not be used for any other purpose. I would sometimes erase pencil memories and rewrite them in pen, but it was a big deal.
I also remember learning about cells in fifth grade. I remember thinking that since we're all made up of cells, there was no reason to fear intimidating people; the idea was that their scariness was just a social construct that came after birth as a result of their life and circumstances and that I didn't have to buy into it. I've always been a deeply empathetic person. I vividly remember learning the word empathy in junior high; it was an instant favorite.
Obviously, I didn't think up these ideas in the language I am presenting them in right now—it was much more muddled and raw. And probably more interesting.
posted by defenestration at 11:42 AM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
As a young boy, I held the vision of sperm being "seeds" that were expelled by men during urination. Forget for a moment the disconnect between that and how these "seeds" arrived at the female egg.
The other kids in my high school biology class were pleased to explain to the nerdy straight A student that this was accomplished by rubbing your pee into the woman's back. Poor kid raised his hand in class and asked a question about the special permeability of skin on a woman's back, the blood transport system, etc.
He took some ribbing after that. Last I heard, he was working as a scientist in a biological field.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:44 AM on April 13, 2009
The other kids in my high school biology class were pleased to explain to the nerdy straight A student that this was accomplished by rubbing your pee into the woman's back. Poor kid raised his hand in class and asked a question about the special permeability of skin on a woman's back, the blood transport system, etc.
He took some ribbing after that. Last I heard, he was working as a scientist in a biological field.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:44 AM on April 13, 2009
in the first grade, gary wilkerson was quite enthusiastic about demonstrating coitus (not his term, btw, i do believe even at that tender age he said, 'fucking') with a he-man and teela doll. i guess this must have seemed reasonable to me, because i don't remember being shocked. shortly thereafter, encyclopedias provided all the biological and anatomical details of human reproduction. so far, so good. the thing that would direct me off course lurked in the backs of closets: it would be the copious amounts of pornography stashed (poorly stashed--can you hide anything from kids?) by various friends' dads that would provide the details of mechanics. and there, i'm convinced, is the problem: porn provides such a warped depiction of sex to the uninitiated that it would take several years into adulthood under the tutelage of a few patient and gifted lovers to correct my most fundamental misunderstanding about sex: which was how to do it well.
posted by barrett caulk at 11:45 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
posted by barrett caulk at 11:45 AM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
The first time I heard the term "oral sex" was during the Bill Clinton nonsense. Nobody made any attempt to explain it to me, so I concluded, and believed for a long time, that it meant french kissing.
posted by lostburner at 11:45 AM on April 13, 2009
posted by lostburner at 11:45 AM on April 13, 2009
I spent the next few months looking at couples in church on Sunday and deciding which ones would do that stuff and which ones wouldn't.
When I first found out, I would look down from the balcony at the shopping mall and imagine that everyone who had "done it" was carrying a red helium balloon. I would try to imagine how many balloons there would be down there, how many would be coming up the escalator, etc.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2009
When I first found out, I would look down from the balcony at the shopping mall and imagine that everyone who had "done it" was carrying a red helium balloon. I would try to imagine how many balloons there would be down there, how many would be coming up the escalator, etc.
posted by StickyCarpet at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2009
I remember, as a young child, knowing that women had eggs in their bodies and that babies came from them. Having the egg schema defined by those of chickens, my mind raced with ideas of what that could possibly mean. My main theory was that a bunch of eggs were always in a woman's body from the very beginning of her life and as she grew, they grew too. When her eggs grew big enough, they hatched and she became pregnant. The baby that hatched from the egg would then grow in her stomach for the duration of the pregnancy and when it was ready, the mother would give birth. The thing that blew my little mind was the idea that when a female was pregnant with another female, the unborn female already had tiny, tiny eggs inside of her that may or may not have contained another female that had even tinier eggs inside of her on and on ad infinitum. I remember telling my mother this grand theory in great detail—she got a kick out of it.
You weren't the first person to think that way.
posted by delmoi at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2009
You weren't the first person to think that way.
posted by delmoi at 11:53 AM on April 13, 2009
As a child during the Clinton scandals I thought "oral sex" referred to talking about sex. I then wondered how the president got into so much trouble for talking about sex.
Actually, I'm still a little puzzled by how the president got into so much trouble for something that, while a little more than talking about sex, was still totally insignificant.
posted by Ndwright at 11:56 AM on April 13, 2009
Actually, I'm still a little puzzled by how the president got into so much trouble for something that, while a little more than talking about sex, was still totally insignificant.
posted by Ndwright at 11:56 AM on April 13, 2009
delmoi: "You weren't the first person to think that way."
Nice. I never harbored under the delusion that it was some groundbreaking, original thought. It was just a result of trying to make sense of a mystifying situation. It didn't spring from my brain fully formed, either; it was toiled over for quite a bit and revised. The baby, baby, baby ad infinitum was the last piece of my erroneous puzzle and, aptly, it was the most puzzling.
posted by defenestration at 11:58 AM on April 13, 2009
Nice. I never harbored under the delusion that it was some groundbreaking, original thought. It was just a result of trying to make sense of a mystifying situation. It didn't spring from my brain fully formed, either; it was toiled over for quite a bit and revised. The baby, baby, baby ad infinitum was the last piece of my erroneous puzzle and, aptly, it was the most puzzling.
posted by defenestration at 11:58 AM on April 13, 2009
When I was in seventh grade, I found a little counter mechanism--you know, a "clicker," where when you pressed a little lever, it incremented up one digit. Being in seventh grade, I immediately decided that the most awesome thing ever would be to get the counter up to 99999. So I wandered the schoolhalls determinedly clicking the thing. After a while, some older kids noticed this.
"Hey, Skot, whatcha got there? Is that your jack-off machine? Countin' off how many times you jacked off?"
I had no idea what they were talking about. So I asked my best friend Bill.
"Hey, what does 'jacking off' mean?"
He was astonished. "You don't know?" He lowered his voice. "It means fuckin' somebody!"
Now I was ready. The next time one of those older guys called out to me, "Hey, Skot, still countin' how many times you've jacked off?" I replied loudly, "That's right! I've jacked off almost fifty thousand times!"
Thanks again, Bill.
posted by Skot at 12:00 PM on April 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
"Hey, Skot, whatcha got there? Is that your jack-off machine? Countin' off how many times you jacked off?"
I had no idea what they were talking about. So I asked my best friend Bill.
"Hey, what does 'jacking off' mean?"
He was astonished. "You don't know?" He lowered his voice. "It means fuckin' somebody!"
Now I was ready. The next time one of those older guys called out to me, "Hey, Skot, still countin' how many times you've jacked off?" I replied loudly, "That's right! I've jacked off almost fifty thousand times!"
Thanks again, Bill.
posted by Skot at 12:00 PM on April 13, 2009 [6 favorites]
I distinctly remember he didn't get specific about there being a vagina involved, because I knew enough about the human body to know the butthole led to the belly, so that seemed like a logical place for the man to put his penis. So for years afterwards I (like others above) assumed anal sex was the way to get a woman pregnant.
A friend told me once that when he was little he thought that the penis went inside a woman's navel. He didn't know exactly to what angle an erection....er, erected, and so he thought it stuck straight out at a 90-degree angle. And the only thing resembling a "hole" that would accomodate something sticking straight out in front was the navel, and so...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:49 PM on April 13, 2009
A friend told me once that when he was little he thought that the penis went inside a woman's navel. He didn't know exactly to what angle an erection....er, erected, and so he thought it stuck straight out at a 90-degree angle. And the only thing resembling a "hole" that would accomodate something sticking straight out in front was the navel, and so...
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:49 PM on April 13, 2009
And when you're a little boy, it's reasonable to think your tiny penis could conceivably fit in a navel. Or a nostril, for that matter.
posted by five fresh fish at 1:20 PM on April 13, 2009
posted by five fresh fish at 1:20 PM on April 13, 2009
...your tiny penis could conceivably fit in a navel. Or a nostril, for that matter.
So that's what a nose job is!
posted by TedW at 1:58 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
So that's what a nose job is!
posted by TedW at 1:58 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I think I've told this here before, but my psychology-major mom decided to tell me the whole schemozzle about human reproduction when I was about five. She was very clinical in her descriptions and very detailed (I believe she used the phrases "Fallopian tubes" and "vas deferens"), and I only took in the vaguest sense of how the whole process worked.
So clinical was she that the idea I took away was that sex was a very complicated chore, kind of like an advanced yoga position crossed with gardening, that people did because they wanted to have children even though it was awfully tedious work. The idea that it was fun completely eluded me until I was 10 or 11.
I had a roommate in college whose parents were equally clinical--so clinical that she came away from the talk convinced that sex was a complicated medical procedure that needed to be performed in the hospital under a doctor's supervision.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:06 PM on April 13, 2009 [5 favorites]
So clinical was she that the idea I took away was that sex was a very complicated chore, kind of like an advanced yoga position crossed with gardening, that people did because they wanted to have children even though it was awfully tedious work. The idea that it was fun completely eluded me until I was 10 or 11.
I had a roommate in college whose parents were equally clinical--so clinical that she came away from the talk convinced that sex was a complicated medical procedure that needed to be performed in the hospital under a doctor's supervision.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:06 PM on April 13, 2009 [5 favorites]
Why can't parents just tell kids the truth?
I don't know. I'm a parent; my kids aren't quite four yet. They understand the words for and concepts related to death, thanks to several pet fish and my father passing. They understand that Santa isn't real, but we pretend he's real because it's fun. Same for witches. They know that Veruca Salt isn't a bad person, but that she always gets her way and nobody stands up to her, so she thinks that's the way things should always be -- and so she doesn't have any friends. They yell at me to pull over when a fire truck is coming, because "they need to go help people." They know that there's nothing wrong with plastic guns per se, but pointing them at themselves or each other or the dog is a huge no-no. They know they were carried inside their mom's uterus, and that she gave birth to them in a hospital. They know certain words are rude, so they should be careful not to use them in front of people, but they're not bad people for saying them. When they idly play with their genitals, they know it's okay, but that they should go to their room because "it's something you do in privacy."
When they start asking questions about sex, we'll be truthful. Same with drugs, drinking, and other "sensitive" subjects. If they don't start asking by a certain age, we'll start telling them, whether they like it or not.
Check back in with me in twenty years and we'll see how it's going.
posted by davejay at 4:17 PM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
I don't know. I'm a parent; my kids aren't quite four yet. They understand the words for and concepts related to death, thanks to several pet fish and my father passing. They understand that Santa isn't real, but we pretend he's real because it's fun. Same for witches. They know that Veruca Salt isn't a bad person, but that she always gets her way and nobody stands up to her, so she thinks that's the way things should always be -- and so she doesn't have any friends. They yell at me to pull over when a fire truck is coming, because "they need to go help people." They know that there's nothing wrong with plastic guns per se, but pointing them at themselves or each other or the dog is a huge no-no. They know they were carried inside their mom's uterus, and that she gave birth to them in a hospital. They know certain words are rude, so they should be careful not to use them in front of people, but they're not bad people for saying them. When they idly play with their genitals, they know it's okay, but that they should go to their room because "it's something you do in privacy."
When they start asking questions about sex, we'll be truthful. Same with drugs, drinking, and other "sensitive" subjects. If they don't start asking by a certain age, we'll start telling them, whether they like it or not.
Check back in with me in twenty years and we'll see how it's going.
posted by davejay at 4:17 PM on April 13, 2009 [4 favorites]
This is hilarious. Thanks, MJJ.
posted by homunculus at 7:42 PM on April 13, 2009
posted by homunculus at 7:42 PM on April 13, 2009
For a long time I thought pregnant women's bellies opened at the navel like a camera's iris or diaphragm, and the doctor just took the baby out (no mess, no fluid, no anything), and then the belly closed up again. I am sure that Mrs Kandinski (now 39 and a half weeks pregnant) would like that to be true.
I also thought that very young babies were joined to their mothers by a navel-to-navel umbilical cord, and wondered whether they made special clothes for that.
And after a rather disconcerting incident involving an unlocked door, I too thought that babies came from him peeing in her butt. A friend at school disabused me of the idea at age nine. Incidentally, he knew from a different incident also involving an unlocked door.
posted by kandinski at 8:36 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
I also thought that very young babies were joined to their mothers by a navel-to-navel umbilical cord, and wondered whether they made special clothes for that.
And after a rather disconcerting incident involving an unlocked door, I too thought that babies came from him peeing in her butt. A friend at school disabused me of the idea at age nine. Incidentally, he knew from a different incident also involving an unlocked door.
posted by kandinski at 8:36 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
This reminds me of a conversation a close friend had a few years back with his 2 year-old boy:
Daddy: Look! There are two eggs in the pigeon’s nest outside the window!
Child: Blue eggs!
Daddy: Yes, they’re blue. But these aren’t eggs we eat.
Child: Why not eat pigeon eggs?
Daddy: Because those are pigeon eggs, not chicken eggs. We only eat chicken eggs.
Child: Pretty eggs. Pigeon eggs. Not eat.
Daddy: That’s right! All birds lay eggs. Chickens lay eggs.
Child: Chickens lay eggs.
Daddy: Pigeons lay eggs.
Child: Pigeons lay eggs!
Daddy: Robins lay eggs.
Child: (confused look) Robin. Lay eggs?
Daddy: Well....
Child: (enlightenment) Robin lay eggs!
Daddy: No, Robin doesn’t lay eggs. Only birds....
Child: Robin lay eggs!
Daddy: Well, not exactly.... not those kinds of....
Child: Robin lay eggs! Robin lay eggs! Robin lay eggs! (ad infinitum)
Daddy: I’m going to have a hard time explaining this one....
My wife was the "Robin" in question. :)
posted by zarq at 9:38 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
Daddy: Look! There are two eggs in the pigeon’s nest outside the window!
Child: Blue eggs!
Daddy: Yes, they’re blue. But these aren’t eggs we eat.
Child: Why not eat pigeon eggs?
Daddy: Because those are pigeon eggs, not chicken eggs. We only eat chicken eggs.
Child: Pretty eggs. Pigeon eggs. Not eat.
Daddy: That’s right! All birds lay eggs. Chickens lay eggs.
Child: Chickens lay eggs.
Daddy: Pigeons lay eggs.
Child: Pigeons lay eggs!
Daddy: Robins lay eggs.
Child: (confused look) Robin. Lay eggs?
Daddy: Well....
Child: (enlightenment) Robin lay eggs!
Daddy: No, Robin doesn’t lay eggs. Only birds....
Child: Robin lay eggs!
Daddy: Well, not exactly.... not those kinds of....
Child: Robin lay eggs! Robin lay eggs! Robin lay eggs! (ad infinitum)
Daddy: I’m going to have a hard time explaining this one....
My wife was the "Robin" in question. :)
posted by zarq at 9:38 PM on April 13, 2009 [1 favorite]
My Norwegian grandmother thought babies came out the navel, and she cried when she found out that they actually didn't.
Of course, she was pregnant with my mom when she found this out.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:52 AM on April 14, 2009
Of course, she was pregnant with my mom when she found this out.
posted by dunkadunc at 5:52 AM on April 14, 2009
(as my dad said, "dunkadunc, your grandmother isn't exactly playing with a full deck".)
posted by dunkadunc at 6:21 AM on April 14, 2009
posted by dunkadunc at 6:21 AM on April 14, 2009
Kandinski: '(now 39 and a half weeks pregnant)'
Age 39 and you've found out she's 3½ days pregnant?
posted by daveg at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2009
Age 39 and you've found out she's 3½ days pregnant?
posted by daveg at 7:39 AM on April 14, 2009
I found out about it in increments. I'd been given the sperm and egg talk, but my mom left out exactly how this was accomplished, so I too thought the man had to put his penis inside a woman's butt (it made sense; sperm goes in the back, babby comes out the front). When my parents discovered my theory of sex they couldn't stop laughing. My mother then bought me a children's book on the subject (which was confiscated by a teacher the next day) which included an illustration of the mommy and daddy in bed together naked (with their bodies under the covers) smiling and kissing each other. That cleared it up for the most part, although based on the illustration -- which lacked the squiggly movement lines -- I thought you had to put your penis inside the vagina and then just wait for a while for the sperm to come out w/o moving.
Now by then I'd discovered that rubbing myself against the mattress felt good, but as I said the book (and illustrations) had said nothing about moving, therefore I was sure I'd be viewed as a freak by my future wife because once I entered her I'd want to move around rather than keep perfectly still. I was sure she'd be very angry and insulted by my inability to keep still and divorce me as a result.
Great post btw, mjj.
posted by Devils Slide at 8:31 AM on April 14, 2009
Now by then I'd discovered that rubbing myself against the mattress felt good, but as I said the book (and illustrations) had said nothing about moving, therefore I was sure I'd be viewed as a freak by my future wife because once I entered her I'd want to move around rather than keep perfectly still. I was sure she'd be very angry and insulted by my inability to keep still and divorce me as a result.
Great post btw, mjj.
posted by Devils Slide at 8:31 AM on April 14, 2009
I just read this in one of the links:
I GREW UP in a house full of dogs. Lots of puppies all over the place. On one particular afternoon my parents were away and David, a 10-year-old down the street and my regular sex buddy, came over. David had been reading his 17-year-old brother's porn mag in which there was an article about butt-fucking. I had no idea what butt-fucking meant. I was an eight-year-old, it was the '60s--what did I know? David thought we should try butt-fucking, so he attempted to dry-fuck me. It hurt. I was upset. David went home. A few hours later my parents returned and my dad found me crying in the den. He asked me what was wrong, and I screamed between sobs that "David stuck his weenie in my pooper and now I am going to have puppies!" I told him that David did to me like the boy dogs did to the girl dogs and they eventually had puppies. "I don't want to have puppies!" I shrieked.
After my dad stopped laughing he assured me that I would not have puppies. David and I continued playing around and when we discovered lubricant we tried for puppies as often as we could.
Wow. I hope this is made up. I don't see a how a father would come home to his eight year old daughter crying and saying she'd just been sodomized by the neighbor boy, and his only reaction would be to laugh and not confront the boy and his parents and/or report it to the authorities, or even make sure it never happened again.
posted by Devils Slide at 9:04 AM on April 14, 2009
I GREW UP in a house full of dogs. Lots of puppies all over the place. On one particular afternoon my parents were away and David, a 10-year-old down the street and my regular sex buddy, came over. David had been reading his 17-year-old brother's porn mag in which there was an article about butt-fucking. I had no idea what butt-fucking meant. I was an eight-year-old, it was the '60s--what did I know? David thought we should try butt-fucking, so he attempted to dry-fuck me. It hurt. I was upset. David went home. A few hours later my parents returned and my dad found me crying in the den. He asked me what was wrong, and I screamed between sobs that "David stuck his weenie in my pooper and now I am going to have puppies!" I told him that David did to me like the boy dogs did to the girl dogs and they eventually had puppies. "I don't want to have puppies!" I shrieked.
After my dad stopped laughing he assured me that I would not have puppies. David and I continued playing around and when we discovered lubricant we tried for puppies as often as we could.
Wow. I hope this is made up. I don't see a how a father would come home to his eight year old daughter crying and saying she'd just been sodomized by the neighbor boy, and his only reaction would be to laugh and not confront the boy and his parents and/or report it to the authorities, or even make sure it never happened again.
posted by Devils Slide at 9:04 AM on April 14, 2009
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Yeah, he was corrected pretty quickly, I imagine.
I also like the (secondhand, from an unknown young child) explanation that "boys have a nose on the front of their bottoms"
posted by louche mustachio at 4:26 AM on April 13, 2009